written by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Deesha Philyaw
So this morning, the mailman made my 5.5-year-old daughter Peyton’s day with the delivery of her U.S. state quarters collector’s folder. Peyton joins her 10.5-year-old sister, Taylor, in this endeavor, and she hasn’t let a little thing like not being able to read all that much stop her. She matches the engravings on the coins to the pictures in the folders.
As the girls gleefully sift their collector’s “gold” out from amongst the regular old quarters in their piggy banks (and my purse), I am reminded of two things: 1) as a child, I collected straws from restaurants and fast food joints (don’t laugh!), and 2) a conversation their father and I had a few years ago with some friends, another black couple who are raising two sons. “Our goal,” the dad told us, “is to raise nerds. Straight up.”
He and his wife didn’t care what others in their extended family and circle of friends thought their kids should be doing in terms of extra-curricular activities, which leaned towa
rds basketball and football–you know, black boy things. Whatever. This couple, who are indeed fans of basketball and football, nevertheless encourage their boys’ burgeoning interests in other sports, reading, math, and science.
This couple doesn’t really subscribe to the idea that these are “nerdy” endeavors; the dad’s comment was tongue in cheek. But still, it contained an element of truth. They don’t want their sons to feel that because they are black and male that there is some prescribed list of suitable activities and career aspirations to which they must limit themselves, like pro ball and rapping. Further, these parents believe that worshiping at the altar of this “list” has the potential to lead too many boys astray. There’s nothing wrong with NBA aspirations, but it’s a bad idea for a child to put all of his eggs in that one very statistically unlikely basket. Unfortunately for too many black kids, other alternatives for their futures (college, success in other professions, entrepreneurship) don’t seem any more likely.
Children who have parents or other care-givers to encourage them towards a variety of personal interests and career possibilities are truly blessed. I’m happy that my kids have a diverse set of interests and are lovers of words and books, science, and math. To my knowledge, no one has told them that stuff like doing well in school and coin collecting is considered “nerdy” in some quarters (pun unintended!). But if and when that happens, I hope that they are secure in their choices, and that they will have fully embraced the truth that their dad and I have been striving to instill in them since birth: There is whole world full of possibilities that is theirs for the taking, and that their own consciences, values, and interests–not other people’s expectations, stereotypical or otherwise–should be their guide.
Deesha Philyaw is a freelance writer who has written for Essence Magazine, Wondertime Magazine (a Disney publication), and The Washington Post. Deesha holds a B.A. in economics from Yale University and a Master’s degree in teaching. In her pre-mommy, pre-writing life, she was a management consultant, briefly, and then an elementary school teacher. A native of Jacksonville, Florida, Deesha currently lives in Pittsburgh with her two daughters. Deesha blogs at Mamalicious! and Co-Parenting 101.
I love this, Deesha. Yesterday on my podcast, we were discussing books and commented on recent “nerds of color” Renaissance in books like Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead and The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Makes this black nerd happy to see us finally getting our due.
All jokes aside, Professor Tracey of Aunt Jemina’s Revenge suggested that beginning with our generation (X), children (and adults) of color increasingly have led integrated lives, exposing them to a variety of pursuits that in the past were not classified as “black.” For that reason, in the future, it will be harder and harder to point at a person of color and assume that you know what his or her interests are just by looking.
Of course there are class elements involved here, too. But on the whole, our lives are less segregated today than in my parents day, our choices less limited.
In our conversation, we weren’t particularly talking about academics, which contrary to popular belief have always been a part of black culture, but other stuff that doesn’t make “the list” you mentioned–a love of American roots music, Dungeons & Dragons, Thai food and PBS documentaries, for example.
Hopefully, in the near future, our kids will be able to own disparate interests without being seen as anomalies.
I like this post a lot. My partner teases me about being a nerd (guilty!) but has also said it’s something she loves about me and something she hopes we’ll be able to nurture in a child when we’re parenting, for reasons similar to yours.
I loved reading this. I teach high school in an urban area. It is so frustrating to see so many promising young men whose only goals are to either make it in the NBA or become the newest hit rap artist. I try to explain to them that LeBron James is so well known because he’s an exception and that having a back up plan is a really good idea. Unfortunately, it often falls on deaf ears.
On the other hand, I’ve seen sports do amazing things as ell. I recall one former student who was really struggling academically. He was also associating with the “wrong crowd” his freshman year. He made the basketball team during his sophomore year, and it totally turned his life around. He became a star player, and his academics improved because he wanted to maintain his eligibility to play. He became a well-mannered, ambitious student.
Thanks, Tami! And excellent commentary from you and Prof. Tracey. It’s somewhat difficult (for me, at least) to talk about how my kids’ generation differs from ours in this regard, without feeling like I’m pandering to stereotypes. But you (and Prof. Tracey) nailed it when you said that leading more integrated lives contributes greatly to our kids living beyond “the list”.
I wonder too about my children’s “black cultural literacy”, for lack of a better phrase, based on “the list”. So many things that I attribute to my (and other peers’) “black” childhoods have little or no meaning for them. For example, I felt like a historian explaining the dozens/Yo Mama jokes to my 10 y.o. when she read about them while skimming an (adult) book at a used bookstore recently.
We instituted Soul Food Night here because I just don’t cook like my grandmothers did on a daily or even weekly basis, but I want my children to have those experiences on occasion–the cooking, the eating, and the fellowship.
And, mos def, this is a class issue as well.
Great piece. And second the sentiment about wanting to raise “nerds.” I think there are multiple challenges involved, stemming from–as mentioned, race, but also class. But I think there are also gender-specific challenges as well. I’m not the parent of boys so I cannot speak to those challenges from first-hand experience. But I do already see the challenges my Black girl children will face.
Needless to say, I will be watching your eldest to see how she navigates this upcoming key transition (the dreaded p-word…lol) for a little heads up about how my two will manage. So let her know she (and you) will be my role model!
BTW, Deesha, one of the benefits of living here now is that I can have family members take over the imparting of some of those “Black cultural ” things you mentioned. Recently my mother-in-law helped my daughters bake me a German chocolate birthday cake–my favorite. They excitedly told me how they made everything from scratch–”And, Mommy, nothing came from a *box* or anything!” LOLOL
PPR Scribe:
I used to LIVE for my grandmother’s German chocolate cake! No boxes!
As far as gender specific stuff, we’ve bumped up against some hair stuff. My girls don’t see wearing their hair locked as anything unusual or “different”, and the style is low maintenance, so they don’t always understand when other girls/mothers have “issues” related to hair (don’t like their hair/style; spend, what seems to them, a lot time doing hair; can’t go swimming because of their hair/style, etc.) Also, they only know the word “nappy” because of the book “Nappy Hair”–which, also required a lot of explaining on my part too.
About the p-word, the 10 y. o. has been initiating some conversations around here that have led me to have some mid-week drinkies!
I’ll update you. But I know you’ll be fabulous when the time comes… 
Right On!
And take a guess on the look on my face when someone came in my house and noticed my then 2 year old son’s puzzles and asked if I was homeschooling my son.
To me, playing with puzzles is a normal part of childhood.
Growing children in a city where I have very little family it has been important that my children have some connection to African-American heritage. I continually make an effort to make sure they make as many family reunions as possible and attend cultural events in our city. They love watching The Cosbys as well as Tyler Perry’s Meet The Paynes. They love R&B as well as Hip Hop. As far as censorship they are diligent with refraining themselves from watching and listening to material that is not age appropriate or just plain vulgar. They love their school and their academics because their school is conducive to learning. They are truly fortunate to be living in this day and time and I’m confident they will continue to make excellent choices.
What does one do when the materials needed for “nerdiness” show only white boys? I want to buy the book “The Mad Scientists Club” because I have heard it is a lot of fun, but I am debating it because it is an old book and the covers shows five white boys.
As a birthday present for a young African-American boy, I bought a board game that involved learning (phonics, or something like that) and the cover showed a white arm/hand reaching out to the game. I felt kind of bad about that, but thought it was a neat game and gave it to him anyway.
@Tami: Out of curiosity, what would you define as generation X? ‘The definition seems to keep changing from Coupland’s original definition (born in roughly late fifties to late sixties – just after the baby boom but not boomer’s kids).
@S’s Mom: Again, I’m curious. How would you have felt if the box showed a black kid and the recipient was white? Or Hispanic / Native American / East Asian?
And speaking as a geek, the teasing and negative attitudes towards kids who are good at math and sciences transcends race.
Dersk,
I work in marketing and the definition we generally use is folks born 1965 to 1975. It does get kind of fuzzy. I’ve seen a variety of definitions, including one that spans 1961 to 1981.
I kind of go along with the Wikipedia definition, which says:
Individuals considered to be within Generation X were born, and grew up during the later years of, and in the decade following the Cold War. They are most often linked to the presidencies of Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush.[8] Coming of age after the Vietnam War had ended, their political experiences were shaped by the end of the cold war and the fall of the Berlin wall. This generation saw the inception of the home computer, the rise of videogames, and the Internet as a tool for social and commercial purposes. Dot.com businesses, MTV, Grunge music, Hip hop culture, AIDS and Security moms are associated with this generation.
Derk~~You know of educational fun games that feature only Black kids on the box? Would you mind sending me the link to them? Thank you!
I don’t do a lot of game shopping on the Internet so there is probably more available than just at a regular toy store. So I appreciate it.
S’s mom, I know your comment was directed to Dersk, but I’d like to recommend an online store for multicultural toys and games to you, and anyone else who might be interested:
http://www.dollslikeme.com/
Love it! Thanks!
I wish I had more money so I could buy more stuff.