written by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Liz Dwyer; crossposted from Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
This past Friday and Saturday I attended a fantastic festival called the Mixed Roots Film & Literary Festival. The purpose was to celebrate the experiences of multiracial/multicultural people through film, readings, workshops and live performances.
My kids and my husband tagged along, and my hubby commented that he didn’t think he’d been in a room with as many half black, half white people in a LONG time, if ever. I joked with him that we’d be nice and not jump him, but if he saw us throwing up secret hand signs to each other, he better run!
Really, there are no secret mixed people hand signs, and there were also people there who were part Asian and Latino. I have a LOT of thoughts as a result of the festival, so I think I’ll tell you a little about them every day this week.
First off, yours truly helped present a workshop at the conference on Friday along with my fellow fabulous bloggers, Susan Ito, and our ringleader, Jason Sperber.
Our workshop was called Parent-Blogging at the Crossroads of Race and Family and it was essentially about how parenting isn’t just about picking out a stroller or deciding how much TV time your child is going to have. Parenting is also about being able to talk to your children about racism and support them when they do come across racism in their lives.
I never gave a damn what kind of stroller I pushed my sons in. My requirements? Safe, inexpensive, not too big, rated well by Consumer Reports. But I’ll tell you, from the time I found out I was pregnant, I thought about what I’d do if someone else’s child called my child the “n-word”… especially since beating the other child’s behind wasn’t an option I could pursue without jail time.
In the workshop we talked about how in the parent blogging community there often isn’t the acknowledgement that talking about race is also a parenting issue. Parents of color know this via experience, and they see their children face both direct and indirect racism. And if you’re a parent of a biracial child, you have a whole other layer of race-related things to talk to your child about.
I didn’t bring this up during the workshop, but I over the weekend I thought about some of the identity-based questions I grappled with before I’d even hit kindergarten:
1) What am I?
2) How come I have to say I’m black if my skin is so yellow? Why can’t I just say I’m tan or peach when someone asks me what I am?
3) Why do the those kids keep calling me Oreo and zebra?
4) If Daddy’s family is still alive, how come they never come around? Do they not like me because I’m black?
Anyway, my point is that parents of biracial kids also have to figure out how they’re going to address these kinds of questions in a thoughtful manner that builds their child’s self-esteem without making ALL the self-esteem come from racial identity.
I find myself wondering how often do most white American parents talk with their kids about race issues, whether that’s coming up with ways to build race unity, or how to respond when another child tells a racist joke or calls another kid a racial slur? Do white parents tell their middle school boys what to do if they’re with a black friend and the cops pull them over?
In my heart there’s a whisper that says that people don’t want to talk about race with their kids because of fear. They’re afraid they’ll say the wrong thing, or maybe they’re afraid they’ll have to take a closer look at their own heart.
I know I’ve had to. I have a white dad, a black mom and I still see color and have racist and/or prejudiced attitudes. I really believe that if you grow up in America, you’re racist whether you want to admit it or not. Maybe you’re not jumping up to join some sort of separatist group, but the racism is seeped into our very foundations so none of us is fully immune. I suppose the first step is to admit it and then you can move forward from there to heal yourself.
In any case, no one booed our workshop, thankfully, but wasn’t till it was over that I really stepped back and thought about where I was: I was at a conference where everywhere I looked, there were people who smiling and laughing, and they almost all happened to be either “mixed” or half of an interracial couple.
I’m curious about your experience: How do you talk to your kids about race, or, if you don’t have kids yet, how do you plan to talk to them about racism? What would you say parents of color need to say to their children about race nowadays? And what do white parents need to say?
Great post. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. When I thought about parenting, like you I didn’t care about what brand stroller we had or if we had matching curtains for our crib set.
I thought a lot about our neighborhood and schools. Not whether they were “good” but whether my kids would feel comfortable in them. Whether they’d be able to make friends who didn’t ask “where are you really from” or “what ARE you?” I thought a lot about how I was going to answer questions about the differences in skin color, eye shape and phenotype from their parents and each other.
My parents didn’t know how to help me with any issues around race. They believed that as long as they loved me and was “strong enough” that being the lone kid of color in an all white community, school and church would be enough.
I began talking to my kids about race, racism, prejudice, homophobia from day one. In my opinion, it is never too early to begin the discussion.
One more thing, I really, really wish I could have attended your workshop. I’ll bet it was amazing.
I’m the white mother of a light-skinned biracial daughter, so we don’t face the “where are you really from?” and “is she really your mother?” questions. In the summer, Eve notices that her skin tone becomes very different from ours, and she knows that happens because her birth father was born in Jamaica. If she’s ever run into any out-and-out name-calling she hasn’t told us about it.
We’ve talked with our daughter about race and racism (and sexism and anti-Semitism and classism) since she was in preschool. Sometimes she brings it up and sometimes we start the conversations. As she gets older, we’ve started to point out the ways in which images are presented in the media and the assumptions underlying some of what she hears from her friends.
Our area has a sizable Latin@ community and a smaller African-American community. Eve is much more aware of being the only Jew (as far as she can tell) in her classroom than she is of any racial differences. I don’t know if she’s noticed that all the kids in the gifted program with her have white parents (in a school that’s over 50% non-white), but we have, and we’ll mention that to her at some point. She has noticed that the kids who speak Spanish at home aren’t in the “top” reading group, and we’ve talked about the fact that schools expect everyone to the same, and that they use white, Anglo and male as the idea of “normal”. I don’t know how much she grasps (she’s 9) but I have to think that eventually some of it will sink in.
We have talked about how the police are sometimes unfair to dark-skinned people, and to people who don’t speak English, and that lots of people (including judges and teachers and other kids’ parents) have negative assumptions about people based on the color of their skin.
I find it exasperating that discussion of race in school is limited to Martin Luther King day, but we have used those school experiences as a jumping-off point at home.
I’m a white Jewish mom of three white Jewish girls, soon to be a mom of an Ethiopian Jewish girl. Even before we started our adoption process, we’ve talked about race fairly often at our house. I’m not trying to tell you what a good mom I’ve been, but just confirming that in some white families, race talked about regularly.
Maybe it’s because we DON’T live in a very mixed community (there’s diversity, but not a lot of mixing), and I just want them to know that they whole world is not like this! We’ve always made sure that dolls were of many shades, different skin color and cultures represented in books. For us it also is part of being Jewish — that we need to be aware of the experiences, prejudices and racism and anti-Semitism, and how to respond to all these. I’m sure this is going to be even more important once there is a black child in our family, but at least I feel I’ve set the groundwork for discussion and understanding.
I’m so baffled that you would consider this such an important issue as a parent.
As a single white male (with no children or love interest) you may find my opinions “worthless” or “invalid” but I’m here to share them anyway!!!
This quote from your writing pretty much sums up your entire belief system:
“What would you say parents of color need to say to their children about race nowadays? And what do white parents need to say?”
You *TRULY* think that white folk and black folk are different on some fundamentally basic level. If you didn’t, you would never separate the two the way you did.
Black parents and White parents need treat their children NO differently. Teach your children the following and they will prosper, regardless of their race, religion, station in life:
1. The Golden Rule
(Do unto others as you would have them do unto you)
2. Respect for other peoples belongings
3. Open-mindedness (Within reason, not the politically correct mumbo-jumbo being taught in our schools today)
4. Critical thinking skills
Don’t get me wrong. I understand that parenting is WAY more complex than 3 or 4 simple rules. But any child of ANY color who is raised on a morally sound foundation similar to what I’ve said will do well for himself, his community and anyone else who he is involved with.
@Zachary: I think you’re missing the point a bit. It’s not that the parents in here recognize a fundamental difference between races – it’s that we recognize that *society* in general does and that we need to give our kids the tools to deal with it.
I’m white and I don’t have kids, but I do have a young nephew and I write a lot about kids and the schools. I think the schools here do do a better job of teaching about things such as American Indian history from the perspective of the Indians and the problems of slaves and blacks during the Civil Rights movement. When I walk into the high school cafeteria, I see more white kids studying at tables with black or Asian kids from the base. I’m sure there’s still quite a bit of racism, particularly against the Indians, and there are some things they could do better. On the other hand, I learned nothing in school about American Indian history or culture even though I attended a school 7 miles from an Indian reservation and had a number of Indian classmates. I was terrified of playing basketball against the neighboring school from the Indian reservation because rumor had it those girls would beat up the white girls on the team. What I see today about the way schools talk to kids is at least something of an improvement.
One of the things that seems to come up quite a bit on this blog is “white privilege” and how black or Indian kids have to worry about being treated unfairly by the police. I don’t particularly like that term, but I think common sense and caution are required skills for anyone dealing with that type of situation. I’d tell my blond, blue-eyed nephew the exact same thing Id tell a black boy about being pulled over by the cops. First of all, don’t break the law. Don’t drive too fast, don’t drink when you’re underage, don’t start fights in a bar parking lot, don’t assault your girlfriend, don’t do drugs, etc. If you’re pulled over, be polite and respectful, hand over your ID and registration when asked, keep your hands in the line of sight of the officer at all times, step out of the car if asked, do not volunteer more information about your activities than necessary because they really will use anything you say against you. If they want to question you, ask for a lawyer and then shut up until the lawyer gets there. When in doubt, shut up, shut up, shut up. White kids can get in trouble just like black kids can and it’s unwise to provoke the cops. I wouldn’t let my white nephew nibble on a banana before I purchased it; if a store clerk was overly officious about asking if she could “help” and didn’t let my nephew browse, I’d advise him to leave the store and not give that store his business in the future, just like I would a black kid.
@Andrea-This is a little off the initial post, but I think it is important to realize that cops aren’t going to treat your blond, blue-eyed nephew the same as they would his black classmate. I am also white, but in a biracial marriage, with children. That being said, I have a huge part of my family now that is black, not to mention an array of friends from many different backgrounds. I will tell you that my husband, a proud member of the US Navy, at the top of his rate, never been in trouble for anything, “fit the description” just a few weeks ago. A local convenience store was robbed “by a black male in a white tshirt” and the cops chose to harass my husband; 3 cop cars and my husband wasn’t even wearing a white tshirt. There are other details, but you get the point. First black man they see…”he must be the one”. About 3 months prior to that, a good friend of mine was actually put in jail for a week for having a “deadly weapon” (a stick) in a backpack in his car, which was searched for no reason; he was pulled over for speeding. He locks up buildings late at night and there is no reason he shouldn’t carry a stick in his bag! If he had been white, the cop would have written him a speeding ticket and been on his way. My friend was on his way to work. He wasn’t high, wasn’t drunk, doing nothing horribly wrong besides speeding. I am just trying to drive home the point that it is necessary to teach white children differently than black children; girls from boys; Muslims from Christians. Society (and cops) will treat different people differently and, as parents of mixed race children, my husband and I have to prepare them for what they will undoubtedly face in their future!
Great post and important questions. I am a white dad of two white kids. Unlike me, who grew up in a white NYC suburb, where it was actually not hard at all to feel that we live in a meritocracy where skin color doesn’t matter, and that the only difference is how determined any individual is to pull him or herself up by their bootstraps, etc…and because I didn’t harbor any ill will towards the two black boys (and even liked them) in our elementary school class, I could feel assured I was not racist and maybe didn’t even see race. Was not until after college when I lived and traveled and volunteered in Kenya and was for the first time in my life a minority, realized what a difference race makes, and that as a white guy, I actually have a race too. Planning to be much more explicit and transparent about these issues with our two kids, and will lean a lot on our Bethel AME Church, where we are no longer the only white couple, but one of few. More of these reflections triggered by Obama’s race speech from the campaign at: http://dadtoday.blogspot.com/2008/03/more-perfect-union.html.
On a related note heard a provocative talk by Michael Eric Dyson last week on the evolving conversation about race in this country – including a criticism of our president for not talking more about it since — because there is a big difference between being obsessed about it (which he would no doubt be criticized for no matter how much he said) and saying nothing about it…
I disagree that you teach white kids differently than black kids or any other minority child about how to deal with law enforcement.
Frankly, I don’t want my nephew (he’s three now, so this is quite a ways in the future) to think he will get special treatment from a police officer or get special treatment if he is picked up driving or is caught during a raid on some keg party or decides to sleep with an underage girl. Granted, he MIGHT have an edge with some cops or judges because of how he looks and the education level of his parents, but a white kid can get in trouble with the law just like a minority kid can and there is NOT a guarantee that he will not end up on a sex offender list for life for being stupid enough to sleep with his 15-year-0ld girlfriend when he’s 18 or lose his chances at a college scholarship for having a drug offense on his record. Cops and judges also do not like cocky kids or kids with an attitude of entitlement regardless of what they look like. I wouldn’t want any kid I cared about to think he could mouth off to a cop or a judge or try to talk his way out of being charged and end up having the book thrown at him. I also know enough about how cops and judges operate to know that I’d advise my nephew to be polite and respectful, avoid breaking the law, and, if he does get caught doing something wrong or is merely suspected of it, to politely tell the police that he is going to remain silent until a lawyer arrives.
I have the utmost respect for law enforcement and the job they do, but I also believe in being cautious and smart. I don’t disagree that kids should be told there’s racism and a difference in how they might be treated by the law in the same circumstances, but that is most definitely not an excuse to give a white child a false sense of security or make him think he can get away with things.
There’s a couple of posts on here that discuss racism like it doesn’t exist, like we can treat everyone the same and have faith in the goodness of people, teach them a morality and they will grow from it. I wish it were that easy but the truth is that people do NOT treat all other people the same. That’s the key issue.
Morality is important but so is reality. The reality is that sometimes you will be called chink, gook, n*, dike, retarded, etc. WHAT DO YOU DO THEN? What do you tell your kids when it happens to you in front of them? when it happens to them? (the problem isn’t IF it will happen but WHEN)
What do you tell your kids when there’s a hate crime? That those people commiting the crime were bad moralists? But no one stopped those bad moralists before the crime was commited…that’s why there’s still hate crimes. So when you’re alone (ALONE cos you’re the minority, the different one) what do you DO?
That’s what is being discussed. Hate, fear and how to deal with it. Discrimination is a big deal, that’s what Ms. Dwyer is trying to say.
J, I see what you see, and I’ve been around here long enough to see that it’s typically the same folks and the same drill. It’s not trolling per se, but there are folks whose sole purpose, it seems to me, is to pounce at posts on sites like this with “That”s not racist…” or “I know there’s racism, but…” or “You people are too sensitive…” type comments. Dialogue killers for sure, esp. when the same comments always come from the same folks.
Great post, Liz. I’m certainly not going to give credibility to the “we should teach our children all the same thing” ignorance because I think ARP readers are smarter than that (though, I guess by quoting it I’m giving it credibility – urgh!). Just hope that readers are smart enough to know that we have to teach white kids and kids of color the same thing – that NOT everyone is treated the same (unfortunately), that meritoCRAZY is biased, and that we teach our children about reality — both the reality that IS and the reality we hope their generation changes.
Write on!
**that we teach our children about reality — both the reality that IS and the reality we hope their generation changes. **
Let the church say…
When the latter is put forth in ignorance of the former…I call anti-racist FAIL.
This always reminds me of the editor who once told me that racism would go away if everyone would just stop talking about it.
LOL @ Liza giving credibility via the quoting; I found myself in the same dilemma and hesitated to comment at all, previously, for that very reason. But it’s been on my mind.