written by Irritated Mother, crossposted from Open Salon
I must live in one of the most homo-ethnic (is that a word?) areas in the United States: Southwest Missouri. The current statistics on our town show us to be 96% white, 0% African American, 2% Hispanic, and 2% Mixed Race. The county of 116,000 is 94% White, 2% African American, 6% Hispanic, and 2% Mixed Race.
There are three little boys that live two blocks over that are African and beyond that, I personally know two families that have children attending school with my children that aren’t white. It was disconcerting when we first arrived from the outer burbs of Charlotte, NC, but now the lack of diversity has become a real challenge.
In the last six months, my daughter has developed an interest, or to be honest, more likely a curiosity in diversity. At least, that’s what I would like to call it. It’s actually not diversity at all, but more accurately stereotypes, the types played out most often on television and in movies and music videos. Clearly, this isn’t an accurate portrayal of reality, but it’s the only reality she “sees”.
We have lots of discussions and do our best to correct the falsehoods in the images that she sees, but it’s hard to get it to stick when it’s one voice versus an entire culture of media. Our most recent issue comes from Mad TV. As far as I know, she’s never even seen Mad TV, but she has seen this video … and enough times to memorize it.
Until you’ve seen four or five little white girls impersonating Bon Qui Qui, you haven’t really experienced parental horror. The worst part is that they don’t get it. They just don’t get WHY it’s wrong or WHAT the greater consequences of it are, no matter how much we explain. They just think it’s funny. Hilarious even. I swear, if I hear “seCURITY” or “I WILL cut you” or aSCUSE me sur” one more time, I’m gonna blow a tire and flip over the wall … hell, I might cut somebody … who knows.
We will be traveling through Mississippi and Alabama in a couple of weeks and I’m looking forward to an awakening of understanding. An enlightening, so to speak … realization that there is human diversity and culture beyond Medea, Bon Qui Qui, and George Lopez.
Any advice or experiences you’d like to share are welcome : )
[Editor's note: You Tube, frighteningly, reveals several young, non-black children doing Bon Qui Qui imitations. The original is below.)
That’s meant to be funny? Yeesh.
If she is getting interested in other races / accents / skin colors (given how overplayed the accent is, maybe it’s just that they think it’s funny sounding?), maybe you could do something like finding real YouTube clips of other kid’s shows? I dunno, maybe there’s a Mexican Sesame Street? Be warned, though – at least over here, Big Bird is blue. It’s just wrong.
By the way, when you mention the three African boys – admittedly I’m stirring things up here – but the Africans I know are pretty mixed racially (insert ‘only the privileged whites make it to Europe’ comment here, which is probably valid). Are they PoC / black / whichever word you’d prefer, or actually African?
A child imitating ignorance is embarassing for the parent and the child. Discouraging her from imitating Bon Qui Qui will go towards preserving your dignity and hers.
How will you feel when your daughter imitates Bon Qui Qui in front of the wrong woman of color and gets called out, or told off for it?
What if she does this in front of a black teacher at school or in church? How will you apologize to that member of your community?
What happens if she disrespects a person of color in a position of authority, like a college administrator or a judge? (not to bring Sonia Sotomayor into everything…)
When my brother found ignorant people or characters entertaining, my mom would chime in with “NOT a role model,” even if it WAS funny, just as a reminder of how she expected him to act.
That sucks for the African boys. That whole scenario made me cringe.
It also brings up something I’ve been thinking about lately: how much do you confront these things head on? I often feel just as you described, like I am just one voice. I realize I am one of the only one of family and group of female friends that encounters people of color on a daily basis. If I don’t say something…who will? Will it have to be my husband (African American)? Or in the future my son? I would much rather not put them in that position…and my husband won’t let himself be put in that position of the “angry Black man correcting the ignorant whites.” Its unfair to him.
But I constantly struggle with when/how to say something. Do I say something when my young brother and my cousin are watching something offensive on TV (pretty constantly)? Do I say something when one of my super white friends (read: she has no racial understanding whatsoever) jokes about getting “FUBU jeans” or a “Big Pun sweatshirt”? Do I comment when white people say things like, “Well Black people are very religious” or “Black people are very family oriented” when I know that these aren’t MEAN things to say…but are still stereotypes? Honestly, I find myself at a loss pretty frequently. I don’t want to be the race police but I also don’t want people to keep saying these things and thinking they are ok. They might not have anyone else to correct them nicely. AND, I don’t want my son hearing that stuff from friends and family! Anyone else deal with this?
Sigh. I really wish society were more integrated so that these lessons could be learned through interaction and truly knowing one another.
RE: the use of “African boys”…I am assuming the author did her homework and knows they identify that way. My husband’s family identifies as “African” (they are immigrants) and not “African American” so the term is often the correct one.
@cocolamala: I’d say discouraging her from imitation would be the best way to guarantee that she’d keep doing it!
@dersk – *that* [discouraging tending to have the opposite effect] depends on the family/child/parenting style/age etc. Rebellion is not necessarily a given.
yes, y’all, you say something.
what is anti-racist about being silent?
when is silence anti-anything?
definitely critique racial stereotypes in tv/media that is viewed in your house or present in your child’s environment
saying nothing does not solve any problems — it especially fails as a leadership or guidance tactic. which is what we’re talking about doing, anti-racist parenting?
impose negative consequences for bad behavior. if the kid won’t stop swearing, ground them. if the child needs to get to their homework, take away distracting cable television. if the child acts out in insulting ways you can think of something…but the very least you can do is say “STOP IT! I MEAN IT!!” and give them the parental evil eye.
don’t parents already do that in other areas? or do you let your child eat candy for dinner, go to bed at midnight, etc. Parents set useful boundaries for children and enforce them with firmness. “No stereotypes in my house,” is an example of a boundary.
i mean, anti-racist parenting doesn’t take place by reading a blog. no more than you could make your child a violinist by reading a book about music. it is just like any other discipline. you have to practice it.
Even though it seems like an overwhelming amount of negative imagery in — that’s the state of American media. It needs to change. stereotypes are relied on far too often as a substitute for character development.
They have negative effects on both children of color (as it erodes at self-esteem) and white children who uncritically consume them (as it introduces stumbling blocks for understanding people of color).
Parents protest, that “she just likes it, she just wants to do it,” But if you can see how easily a child is swayed by toy commercials, or fast food commercials — How can you believe a child would be magically immune to believing in media stereotypes?
A parent who critiques media teaches their children not to uncritically accept media messages — over time, they will learn by example to parse out stereotypical messages for themselves.
Sounds to me like you need to get a little more control over what your children are being exposed to.
Where are they seeing these things? Once you find that out the answer is simple, they no longer go to that place.
If it’s at school, well… A letter is in order to the big shots of the school explaining why YouTube isn’t exactly appropriate school material.
And as a secondary note…
It’s MadTV… This is a program that makes it’s money by making fun of about everything out there. Just because one episode had a “white” girl acting “black” or whatever… isn’t a reason to get all up in arms in my opinion.
I think sometimes people read a little too deep into these things.
Explain to your children that those people are just joking around. Tell them that to behave that way in front of a “black” individual might very well make them extremely uncomfortable/irate/mad. If your kids understand that it’s just meant as a joke they should have no problems understanding that seriously portraying groups of people based on stereotypes is hurtful and should not be done.
And if they’re unable to grasp those concepts… well… they shouldn’t be watching programs like MadTV, right?
Zachary Navarre wrote:
“Tell them that to behave that way in front of a “black” individual might very well make them extremely uncomfortable/irate/mad”
Seriously? It’s just joking around, kids, but those black folks are humorless in this regard, so don’t joke around with THEM like this, okay? WTF, to say the least. Just to raise a couple of the myriad ways in which that’s problematic advice, what about when a “black” individual doesn’t look, ya know, “black”? and what about when a non-”black” individual doesn’t think that shit is funny?
As for the original post, of course Irritated Mother should frickin’ SAY something about why re-enacting stereotypes is not okay and set boundaries and make a point of engaging her children in ongoing conversations about race and racisms, critical engagement of media and stereotypes.
Also, for the record, I’m not thinking “traveling through Mississippi and Alabama” is any kind of guarantee of “an awakening of understanding. An enlightening, so to speak … realization that there is human diversity and culture beyond Medea, Bon Qui Qui, and George Lopez.” After all, lots and lots of folks who live in Mississippi and Alabama and California and New York and other locales rich with demographic diversity have had no such awakening. As with most things of import, active parental engagement is required on an ongoing basis to equip kids with both an informed anti-racist perspective and the tools necessary to think critically about race and representation.
Irritated Mother wrote:
“Clearly, this isn’t an accurate portrayal of reality, but it’s the only reality she “sees”.”
As for advice, I’d start here, and not just with a spot-the-”diversity” roadtrip. I grew up for the most part in north central Missouri which was and still is pretty damn limited in the “diversity” department. Nonetheless, my ma was able to provide me with both a firm grasp on a broader reality and the critical thinking skills required to engage it. She managed this even without access to the panoply of resources available today like a richer array of childrens books and shows, the wealth of websites for parents and children connected to these issues, the relative ease of travel, et cetera. And yes, part of how she managed this was by limiting my exposure to television in specific and mainstream media in general and by critically engaging just about everything we did see or read. Even in a very peer-oriented culture, parents’ voices still resonate in their childrens ears, and unless you are willing to abandon your child to cultural attitudes you find horrifying, you shouldn’t stop using yours.
Janine deManda wrote:
“Seriously? It’s just joking around, kids, but those black folks are humorless in this regard, so don’t joke around with THEM like this, okay? WTF, to say the least. Just to raise a couple of the myriad ways in which that’s problematic advice, what about when a “black” individual doesn’t look, ya know, “black”? and what about when a non-”black” individual doesn’t think that shit is funny?”
Woah there chief, no need to go and get aggressive… You make some valid points in your argument against me and I can see why my initial statement can be problematic if taken 100%.
As they say, “If you wouldn’t do it to their face, don’t do it at all”. It’s good advice, and I was wrong I suppose to suggest something else.
BUT my points still stand I think. What’s being discussed here isn’t “Racial Stereotyping” in any sort of negative way. It doesn’t promote the idea that one race is superior to another. It’s not hateful in it’s presentation.
While there is plenty of real racism in the world which is wrong and painful to those subjected to it, there is also a lot of humor. Nobody on MadTV thought to themselves, “Yeah… it’ll be great, we’ll set “blacks” back 10 years if we can make our watchers think they all act in this outrageous manner”. If you believe that, then I think you should make yourself a tin foil cap
Agreed Janine. Driving through Mississippi and Alabama will not awaken anything. It does require active parenting.
@cocolamala: I hope that you don’t think I am saying that I am silent in the face of racism and stereotyping. But I am saying I don’t always know which battles to pick. Are my family gatherings often them vs me? Yes. But am I always going to start problems in the middle of family gatherings? No. Sometimes I don’t feel that saying something is inappropriate. (Ex: an 80 year old’s bday party is not the place to start a discussion about why “black don’t crack” isn’t an appropriate thing to say) Or maybe I”m chicken and don’t want to always be Rachel Racepolice. I try my best, but sometimes it seems futile and also like I’m always starting something and ruining everyone’s night. If I don’t know someone well I tend to let it slide unless its blatant. You’re right, though. If I don’t say something, how can I expect things to change?
@Jen: With my kid, anyway, ignoring behavior designed to get a rise out of me works best.
By the way, I haven’t lived in the States for a while, so my stereotype cues are probably out of date. But isn’t she supposed to be Hispanic and not black? Or has black changed to cover Hispanics as well?
Might actually have been funny had they put two opposing stereotypes behind the counter – maybe a Sidney Poitier or Ricardo Montalban…
@Montclair Mommy
I agree that you should pick your battles, as in with other people and with extended family, but your children are yours to educate and inform.
While you can’t require other family members to comply with your rules, your own children definitely can be held to your standard of behavior.
Your house definitely can be run according to your rules.
When in other people’s homes, your kids should still be on their best behavior, and that includes stuff like “not jumping off a bridge just cause everyone else is doing it.” you know what i mean?
@cocolamala
Yes, completely. My son is still young, but my husband and I have already had the TV limiting discussion. Its gotten so we feel like we’re going to have to limit it to almost nothing. There are so many hidden messages going on in the commercials, “news” briefs, etc. I also try to police what is on TV at other people’s houses when he’s around. I won’t hesitate to say, “Um, no. Turn this off when the baby is up.” b/c I don’t want him hearing nonsense even if he is still too young to completely understand.
We are definitely the type of people who discuss everything and I know that will carry on when our son is older and can participate. I know my “policing” is going to get even tougher as he gets more aware. I really don’t want to have to be telling my friends and family not to say/do/watch stuff, but I also don’t want to have my son exposed to certain things. Hannity, for example.
But also, its little things. Little comments here and there about how soft his hair is (what does that mean? Is it supposed to be rough?) and how tan he gets (ya? you don’t say?) and how they know a kid that is half black with blue eyes and wouldn’t that just be so gorgeous (um, hello, MY eyes are brown too! Why are blue eyes the only beautiful eyes?!)…all these little things grate sometimes. It doesn’t bother my husband–he has much more experience with little irritating comments and lets them roll off his back–but I’m still learning how to deal with it.
Speaking of the general topic of the modern minstrel show, in watching a documentary of The Jungle Book (Disney animated version) I discovered that the musicians who play King Louie and his court were actually white. So that scene isn’t just a racialized monkey stereotype, but actually a complex version of blackface, since the audience at the time would have known those musicians and their race. Disney’s Peter Pan is already on our no-watch-list, and The Jungle Book is going to have to join it until my daughter is old enough for me to be able to explain the problematic parts.
On TV: we’ve had the TV disconnected since our firstborn was two. It doesn’t, of course, eliminate our exposure to stereotypes and idiocy, but it helps cut it down to manageable portions. We all read a lot, and our big girl LOVES reading.
TV is full of harmful idiocy. Not just the minstrelsy, which is atrocious, but toxic levels of sexism, xenophobia and plain old stupidity that I really don’t want my kids soaking up on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, we didn’t know how toxic a lot of the Disney movies used to be (we do watch DVDs). We let a lot of crap enter our house because we assumed that Disney stuff would be fairly innocuous. My mother always hated Disney movies when I was a kid, and now I know why. I saw Disney’s Peter Pan for the first time a few years ago – with my five-year-old. It was mortifying. And yes, we did have pretty long discussions about the prejudices and sexism on display. I think the Spawn absorbed it pretty well.
I did think about just banning Peter Pan altogether, but decided not to for a bunch of reasons:
A: she’d already seen the movie once and wasn’t going to magically forget about it.
B: her best friends were ALL all about the Disney Princesses and Tinker Bell, and our girl already felt like enough of a weirdo being the only black/white Christian/Jewish non-TV-watching reading-two-grades-above-grade-level kid-whose-parents-came-from-different-countries. I didn’t want her to also be the one whose parents banned Disney.
C: I’m pretty satisfied that she understands, on a kid level, that the Native Americans in the movie are an insulting stereotype. But she still likes the movie. It’s kind of like how she understands McDonald’s food is bad for you, but she still likes a Happy Meal (and yes, I know this isn’t an exact corollary).
D: I felt that taking the movie away would have created resentment and a sense of deprivation, seeing as we already banned TV, Barbie, Bratz and so amny other cornerstones of modern kiddie “culture”.
For all these reasons, I thought discussing the movie, and continuing to provide her with numerous examples of better entertainment and different points of view, was better than telling her “I’m glad you liked the movie, now I’m taking it away because we don’t like how they portrayed the Native Americans.”
But, if I could redo the whole parenting experience, Disney would be firmly banned from this house. I’m still not happy that we let that stuff into our living room.