written by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Liz Dwyer; originally posted on Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
When my black mother and 
white father got married in 1969, interracial marriage had only been legal for two years. But just because it was legal, that didn’t mean their families were happy about it.
My mother’s family left Georgia in the early 1900′s due to some white men having gone on a “let’s kill the black folks” rampage.
Why did this happen? Well, a black man in the town had been having a relationship with a white woman. All the black people knew but kept things quiet. However, when white folks found out, the white woman claimed, as was often claimed in such instances, that she had been raped by the black man.
The black man and his brother were both murdered, and their castrated, naked bodies were dragged behind horses down the road. Then the white men decided to teach the rest of the black people a lesson by setting fire to the black owned houses and barns. My grandmother and her family hid in the swamps, and then left the town.
One generation after this horrifying (and all too common) incident, my mother announced that she was going to marry a white man. You can imagine this information didn’t go over too well since their family history had taught that having relationships with white people is dangerous and results in being murdered. But, after much family discussion, her parents eventually accepted that my father was a good man and they came to the wedding.
Unfortunately, my dad’s parents did not accept their marriage, did not attend the wedding, cut off most contact with my father, and for many many years, that was that. They also told my aunt and uncle that if they attended the wedding or associated with my parents, they would cut them off.
Needless to say, the legacy of those actions, knowing that even when my father’s mother died we were not welcome at her funeral, has been an incredibly painful part of my family’s history.
But the wonderful thing is that families and people can change. There is no need to blindly imitate the racist or prejudiced traditions of the past. And there is always the chance to apologize, make amends and build something new.
Yesterday my father’s sister, brother and my uncle’s two children came over to my parent’s house to visit with all of us. My mom’s sister also came, as well as my own sister and my two nephews. A few minutes after they arrived, my uncle pulled me aside and asked me if it was my parent’s anniversary coming up in a few weeks. I told him that it was and he smiled and said, “Good, because I have a little card for them.”
He went on to say that their family had given my parents such a hard time all those years ago, and even if it didn’t make up for it, he just wanted to apologize for it. And then he got choked up… and so did I.
A few hours later he gave the card to my parents and apologized for the family’s racist treatment of them. It was one of the most touching things I’ve witnessed in my lifetime.
It made me reflect on how incredibly important it is to apologize for the wrongs that have been committed because of racism. It’s also so important to forgive. If you can’t apologize or forgive, you can’t move forward. When I saw my mom hug my dad’s sister and brother with complete forgiveness, well, my liquid eyeliner ended up on my cheeks. In that moment, it felt like I could see healing taking place on the faces of my mom, my dad, my uncle and my aunt.
It is undeniably sad that my paternal grandparents and so many other relatives missed out on so much because of racism. They never truly got to know my mom. And they never got to know me.
Yes, my cousins, nephews and my own sons are growing up knowing that having people of all colors and cultures in your family is normal. But the really wonderful thing is that the chance for unity doesn’t stop just because you’re older. My dad, his brother and sister, and my mom and her sister can all forge relationships beyond what their parents ever believed or thought possible between black and white people. They’re all proof that it’s never too late for racial unity in your family.
Thank you for that post. It really makes me feel blessed that my husband and I had families that, for the most part, were open and loving towards our relationship. Like many other women in relationships with POC (and POC in relationships with white people) I was a little worried about what SOME people in my family would think…you know what I mean…I know nearly every white family has “those people.” But I misjudged them because they really have opened up their hearts and minds to us as an interracial couple. I guess it just goes to show you that we don’t always give people enough credit to overcome their prejudices. People really can change and can open their hearts. Now do I think they no longer have racism in their hearts towards POC? No. I think they might still struggle, but they did accept us as a family and they accept and love our son. Over the years we will hopefully continue to grow and challenge our internal prejudices as a family.
You know, it’s not easy being a non-racist. I know it’s right, and I will continue to instill that in the way I raise my son. But there are times…
We also need to differentiate racism from prejudice and from stereotyping. To me, racism is hatred, and not something I’m in favour of.
Maybe it’s not racism, rather tolerance.
I’m writing this series… would love your feedback. Part 1 is “White males need not apply”
http://ineedauniquename.blogspot.com/2009/07/reversal-of-tolerance-part-1.html
What a great story and an inspiring message too! Thank you for sharing.
I always say that it is personal stories like this that pave the way for greater change. That’s always my mantra in writing my books and articles. I hope it is working.
Kiz,
When you wrote: “And they never got to know me.” I got sick to my stomach… this is what I am currently dealing with in my own home. My biracial 2 year old has never met her grandparents. It is based on race – no question. My Mother-In-Law turned every issue into a race based issue and called me a racist on many occasions. She even went so far as telling my husband “when the baby is born – bring her to see me – without maria or her daughter. I was horrified. I wish I could say it was traditional white hating black but it is not. My In-Laws are black. The only person in my Husbands family who we are in contact with is his Aunt, who has been treated horribly by her family for speaking to us.
I would like to hear an apology – not for me, but for my Husband who will not return their calls any longer because his Mother claims she wasn’t wrong.
My Husband has Lost his Parents and his Brother because of who he fell in love with.
And my daughter has little connection with that side of the family which is such a great loss for a child who will be seen as a black woman in her future.
Cheers to you and your family – may you be bessed with happiness and love.
Kiz = Liz… sorry – a bit too emotional over this one to spell check….
All — thanks for your thoughts. I’m glad to share this story because so often we do not get to hear about the good things that happen between whites and blacks in this country. It was a long time coming in my family, but we need more stories like this.
Maria,
No worries, about misspelling my name. I am so sorry to hear what’s going on in your family. I think people think stories like that of my parents are a thing of the past, a relic from 40 years ago, but it happens all the time in our modern, “post-racial” (hah!) era. I hope your husband’s family can come around and see how what they are doing is so very wrong. In the meantime, you keep doing what you need to do to raise healthy children who respect you as a mom, regardless of how their in-laws act. Good luck.
As moving as the written piece is, the audio was truly powerful.