[Editor’s note: Last week, while folks here on Anti-Racist Parent were discussing Renee’s compelling post on Zahara Jolie-Pitt’s hair, some of us behind the scenes were talking about a recent Atlanta Journal-Constitution article that also raised issues of beauty standards and norms surrounding black hair. Below, is another installment of a multi-part discussion of the piece and black hair politics.]
written by Anti-Racist Parent columnist Deesha Philyaw; originally posted at Mamalicious
Today is Hair Day. I will wrangle two-year-old Peyton in order to remove the beads from her hair, unbraid it, wash it, rebraid it, and put the beads back on—all in the face of her protests, periodic snack and meal breaks, and the necessary Pull-up changes. I will pray for her to fall asleep, but she won’t until about the last 20 minutes or so. The whole process will take the better part of our day.
At my house, hair day has a long and troubled history. For years, despite countless beauty products, gadgets, and more patience than I ever knew I had, my older daughter Taylor (now 7) dreaded hair day. Hair Day meant hour upon hour of having me wash, blow dry, comb, part, braid—mess with—her hair, while she had to sit and hold her head just so. And it hurt.
I can hear the uninitiated asking, Why go through all of this trouble? Well, I don’t have much choice in the matter. In a culture that rarely includes my daughters in its beauty standard, I must counter that narrow standard with affirmation. I want my girls to look neat and feel positively about themselves, including their hair. Just as basic care for long hair by definition requires more time than caring for short hair, black hair that is not chemically treated requires a lot of TLC. I hope that in time my girls understand that all of the time and attention we give to their hair is borne of necessity and not vanity.
Entire books have been written on the care, feeding, and politics of black hair. I cannot do the topic justice in such a limited space, but I can summarize with this: Hair day is best taken with a nice glass of white wine (for me, not my daughters). The white wine takes the edge off of the squirming and the complaining. It soothes the generations-old legacy of whole days spent between mama’s knees or at the beauty salon, of harsh chemicals and happy Easter press ‘n curls. It tempers the whisper that says “black hair hurts,” and invites the reminder that black hair is beautiful.
In addition to employing a gentle hand on Hair Day, I have also shared with my girls picture books which celebrate their hair. I Love My Hair, Nappy Hair, and Wild, Wild Hair all feature little black girls, their lovely, versatile hair, and not-so-lovely Hair Days. All are appropriate for even the youngest children, though the rhythmic Nappy Hair offers most in the way of socio-political commentary. Its heroine gets teased about her hair, but a wise uncle reminds her that her hair survived the long journey from Africa and one curl of it “is the only perfect circle in nature.”
About a year ago, I proudly entered a new era of Hair Day history, reducing my Hair Day Drama by over 50%. Taylor decided to get her hair locked (dreadlocked) like mine, which means one trip to the hairdresser (Miss Dionne) every six weeks or so for maintenance. There are still some tender-scalp tears as Miss Dionne twists the locks, but these are short-lived. And in between visits, my only interaction with Taylor’s hair is to add colorful beads or recommend the occasional headband.
Even as I revel in this new era, friends frighten me with tales of their adolescent and pre-adolescent daughters who have become preoccupied with their hair and overall appearance (and boys!) seemingly overnight. I know some of this is a normal part of child development, but it brings back not-so-fond memories of my own teenage misery and fretting about how I looked, if boys would find me attractive, and if I “measured up.” I didn’t look anything like the Beautiful People on TV and in magazines. I needed someone to let me know I was pretty and likable, so that I could feel better about myself.
My hope for my daughters is that they would weather the storm of adolescence without such a relentless search for their self-worth in the eyes of others. I want them to be healthy in this regard, and “healthy” lies somewhere between the self-loathing some women and girls feel toward their bodies, and the obsession with bodily “perfection” based on unrealistic beauty standard popularized by our media-saturated culture. As parents, I believe we can counter the cultural lie that beauty comes only in size 0 packages with straight, blonde hair and fair skin, without overemphasizing beauty itself. At our house, we do this in part by reading books like I Love My Hair and discussing all that is wonderful about black hair.
It’s a delicate balance, but I want my girls to love what grows on top of their heads, but care even more about what’s inside them.
How do you get your daughter to stop removing the braids or “bebos” as we call them? I cannot get my daughter to leave things in her hair and she’s 3.5
Lala,
Peyton (now almost 6; this post is about 4 years old) actually began pulling her hair out (nervous habit), so unfortunately, I don’t have any suggestions for you. When she was 4, we cut her hair into a very short fro, and this stopped her from pulling. Not long after, though, she wanted to let it grow out so that she could have locks like her older sister and me. She grew the locks…but resumed pulling her hair not long ago, leaving weird little short patches on top of her head amidst the locs…until today. With some encouragement, she decided to return to the short fro. Now we have a bag of locks and as a memento and a new collection of headbands.
The hair story continues…
Please, please understand the spirit in which I’m writing this… I want to learn and I want to have the conversations that help me to be a better mom!
I am the white mom of an AA daughter (with extremely kinky hair, she gets about 75% shrinkage on her beautiful curls and kinks). She’s almost 2 and in her short life I have tried so hard to do my best to educate myself about all the issues surrounding parenting a child of color including her hair. I have to admit that the thing I stress about most is my baby’s hair. In fact, reading these articles the past few days has at the same time made me sick to my stomach (because of the worry that I am the person “doing it wrong”) and given me ease and hope.
Two of my close friends (also AA) have very different opinions on the subject, but both are quite outspoken. One constantly gives me the advice that I have got to get my child in braids. I do braid her hair, but for fear of doing it too tightly end up with braids too loose that end up fuzzing out and needing to be done a few times a week. In order to make life easier for both my baby and me, I have started doing in her hair in the style recommended on http://www.tightlycurly.com (which I found in the comments on this website!). Basically, I am washing her hair once a week and applying a lot of conditioner and doing finger curls. Each day we condition it and recurl any little curls that have fuzzed out. There is no combing, no tears, and it lasts and lasts. Her hair is so soft at the end of the week and has grown a lot since I started doing it this way. My other friend loves her hair like this and thinks it’s great that she’s wearing it free and that it works so well for us. The first friend thinks she looks like a boy because she doesn’t usually wear any bows or ribbons in her hair (although she does at times, but pulls them out, so I’ve sort of given up…).
It just honestly makes my head hurt. I desperately want to “get it right.” I want my daughter to be accepted by her peers and I want her to fit in with her friends of color. It just makes me wonder… can I get it right at all? Is there any right to get? Sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of this catch 22 and I worry that there isn’t any way for me to help my baby develop good self esteem and to be proud of her looks. OR… maybe I’m missing the point.
Reading the article about Zahara Jolie-Pitt gave me a little spunk and made me feel much better. I felt like the article affirmed my feelings that I don’t have to spend hours doing her hair and that she can wear her hair free or in puffs instead of complicated braids and she can still be considered beautiful by her “peers” (and really my concern is actually her peers’ parents, right?). I felt like it gave me a little tougher skin to stick up for myself with my friend who says she looks like a boy. It felt good. (and let me add, I always try to make sure that the child leaves the house looking “neat” with a washed face, clean clothes and hair that’s had it’s fair share of light but daily maintenance…)
…but reading this article, makes me nervous again. Is my daughter missing out by not having a hair day? Am I depriving her (and then her children someday) of that time spent between my knees getting her hair done? I feel like she’s lost so much already. I want to give her everything I can.
I realize that I have so much to learn. I love this website and I appreciate all the information there is here. Thanks for all of that!
Hi, Sarah,
I’m responding as the author of this post, and I can tell you that we don’t even have Hair Day here anymore. My oldest has locks, like me, and until yesterday, my youngest did too. Now she just has a very short fro.
About “looking like a boy”…even with long locks, my oldest daughter has been mistaken for a boy, and we rolled with it. My youngest had a short fro when she was 4, and a few people mistook her for a boy. Maybe she was too young to care? At almost-2, your daughter may be oblivious as well.
At any rate, when the comments were made to my oldest daughter about her hair, it gave us an opportunity to talk about stereotypes and how other people’s expectations in that vein aren’t our concern. If someone makes the comment when your child is older, you could simply laugh and say how silly it is that someone would think she’s a boy…or act amazed, “I wonder why she thought that…” and shrug. You can ask, “Who says that girls have to look like x, and boys have to look like y?” You can look at pictures online and in magazines of black women and girls with short or “boyish” hairstyles.
But I don’t agree at all with your friend that your family’s hair choices should center around things like whether or not someone will mistake your child for a boy. I think that teaches kids to put too much stock in what other people think/believe/expect…esp. bad when those people have such narrow views. (I hope your friend keeps her more critical comments out of earshot of your daughter.)
**Is my daughter missing out by not having a hair day? Am I depriving her (and then her children someday) of that time spent between my knees getting her hair done? I feel like she’s lost so much already. I want to give her everything I can.**
My heart goes out to you. I really understand this. But Hair Day is just one experience. Your family has/will have other rituals and experiences that are special and memorable and affirming. If your girls don’t learn how to “do hair” from you, they wouldn’t be the first black women who don’t. I have black female friends with sons who are relieved because they have no clue how to style a little girl’s hair or because they would have no time/patience for Hair Day.
The kind of tug of war you are experiencing with your two black friends is proof that there is no universal experience you can give your daughter that will connect or align her with every black person, or even most. No matter what you do, or don’t do, there’s a chance someone will come along and tell you (or her) that her experience has not been “real” or black enough. But take heart–my children will probably face the same criticism.
Some people just have set ideas about black hair or “blackness”, and there’s just no pleasing them. I believe it’s best to reject those notions of “blackness” based on some universal set of experiences that simply doesn’t exist.
We all have to decide what’s important, and we convey these values to our kids. I’d rather spend time doing other things besides hair; other black women make different choices that work for them and their families. What works for you?
Because your daughter’s peers (and their parents) may be a diverse lot, her hairstyle will likely differ from somebody else’s wherever she goes. The important thing, I believe, is to protect your daughter as best you can from those who would criticism her hairstyle choices. But because we can’t perfectly protect our children from others’ criticism, we must also affirm them and equip them so that they don’t internalize that criticism when they do face it.
I would say err on the side of what gives you and your daughter freedom and peace of mind. Listen to the friend who is affirming and complimentary, not hypercritical about sh*t that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things or insistent that there’s *one* right way to do your child’s hair.
I believe one of the best gifts you can give your daughter is your own sense of confidence about your choices where her hair is concerned. Make those finger curls without apology!
Finally, give yourself a break. Somewhere along the way, you or your daughter will feel like you dropped the ball on something. That’s not unique to your transracial adoption situation, of course. Take comfort in knowing that you’re doing the best you can…asking questions, being reflective, and most importantly, imo, striving to equip your daughter for the imperfect world in which we live, and not the world we long for where race and hair are non-issues.
Best,
~Deesha
Just wanted to add that while I suggest rejecting external expectations (about hair, about blackness) based on some mythical universal black experience, I know from personal experience that it’s not always easy. There are parts of what I consider the “blackness” of my childhood that I want to share with my kids; there’s a black cultural literacy test embedded in my brain that I fear my kids will fail. Intellectually, I understand that my daughters’ “black” experience is defined by the times in which they live and our present lifestyle, both of which differ from my childhood…but this is still something that tugs at me emotionally.
Thank you so much!
I do often feel like this stuff is swirling around up there in my head and that it’s hard for me to clarify and make sense of it. I think you really helped me out there.
I think I have definitely realized I need to have a conversation with my friend. I know she’s really trying to help me out, because she has her own personal experience about what “being black” means and she’s trying to save me from making a mistake. I think you just really helped me to put a point on it. There are always going to be people, regardless of how her hair looks, who are going to judge her “blackness.” I think I’ve got to do my best to protect her, but at the same time teach her to deal with it. I guess most of parenting is like that.
I’m loving the hair discussion. This has really taken something that I’ve thought about long and hard for two years but had a hard time really articulating and changed it into a philosophy and has probably changed the way that I’ll discuss and deal with these issues with my daughter and people in my life. What more can you ask for?
)
Thanks again.
ahhh… hair day for my daughter. I remember it well. I traded weekly hair day, for hair day every 6-8 weeks. My daughter wears braids now. She likes them, and I am just careful to make sure the front is not tight, or I just take out the front braids to prevent breaking.
@Sarah. I wear my hair natural, and its about 1/2 inch. A little 5 year old white girl in my neighborhood told me that I looked like a boy.
hmmm, in my day, we didn’t talk to grown folk like that.
Anyways, I explained to the little girl, that what matters most is what “I” think about my hair and I love it.
It was a good talking point for my 7 year old. And I’m happy it happened, because I know my daughter will eventually get questioned or teased about her hair. I want her to know that the only opinion that matters is hers.
You’re welcome, Sarah!
What a great read. I remember sitting between my mother’s, grandmother’s and the occasional older cousin’s knees for hair day. Myhair was thick long and plentiful, my box braids were done in shifts. I grew up in a house where large afros, afro puffs and intricately woven styles were revered and long stories were shared about sweet grass baskets, sassafrass tea and other Gullah tradition.
Hair day in my house with two bi-racial children is bittersweet. For one it doesn’t happen with much frequency. As the children have gotten older, I get called upon for my hair braiding talents on few special occasions. And it marks for me, the end of a special connection that I didn’t realize I’d made until it started to dwindle.
Of course we still have special recipes and holiday traditions, but there’s something about Hair Day; in front of the television, the snack breaks, stretch breaks, the passing of the comb and colored barrettes that I’ll sorely miss.
Maybe someone can point me in the direction of resources for my daughters hair. My problem is the opposite of Sarah’s I’m a Black women who’s interracial child has, for lack of a better way to express it, White hair. My White friends all have stick straight hair and haven’t been able to give me much advice in relation to her curly hair.
Her hair is curly hair (bouncy ringlets) and it tends to be dry. I have been looking for a product for that will moisturize her hair but won’t weigh it down without much luck.
Anyone have any recommendations?
Ty,
Try the book “Curly Girl” by Lorraine Massey. It’s great and talks about curly hair in general for all races.
Also, keep in mind, that when most folks talk about black natural hair, they are not only talking about super-coarse, super-tightly-curled hair. That description is but one type of hair that black women can have. You should check out nappturality.com. There are many black women there with silky curls whose hair might mirror your daughters and could likely give you advice.
Ty,
I have a daughter with hair like yours, and through trial and error, we discovered a conditioner/shampoo combo that leaves her hair wonderfully shiny and moisturized, but not weighed down.
For shampoo, we’ve settled on Pantene “Midnight Expressions” for black shades. It’s part of a line for natural or colored hair. It does bring shine to daughter’s hair, as it claims to be able to do.
We’d tried the conditioner to match, but ran out once and couldn’t find more, so I grabbed some TreSemme “Thermal Recovery” conditioner for “dried out, damaged hair”, although her hair was not damaged. I chose it for the aloe and almond extract. It specifically says it will not weigh hair down, and it doesn’t.
Daughter’s hair srpings to life after this combo, with shine I would not have thought possible, and lots of wavy curls. Regular Pantene did not do as much, and other conditioners pale next to the TreSemme.
Your milage may vary, of course, but this is what works for my biracial daughter. MY white older daughter uses the conditioner after her swim team practices with good results as well, but I can’t use it on my thin silly hair-too heavy.
Good luck.
Ty,
My bi-racial son likes to wear his curly hair long. We have found that most any gentle shampoo works well for him, and we like the Hair Milk from Carol’s Daughter as a conditioner for him. It moisturizes his hair without weighing down his curls.
Good luck
I just came across this blog, which looks like a great resource http://www.happygirlhair.blogspot.com/
Ty, check out the website naturallycurly.com. Best resource out there for us curlyheads.
Thanks for the tips Agibean and JulieB. I appreciate it.
I am white and have curly, coarse (often frizzy hair). I like Aveda’s Be Curly lotion the best–apply it to wet hair. Hairdressers are another story. None of them seem to know how to cut curly hair! It’s been a lifelong search.
Have you seen the movie by Chris Rock called “Good Hair”? I’m excited to check this out.
From the article at Jezebel:
While the flick is “loaded” with Rock’s “wisecracking humor,” he reportedly takes a grave and honest look at the cultural pressures and identity issues that come with having “black hair.” Rock explains: “I have daughters, and I’m really dealing with them and their hair a lot, and my friends have daughters, and we talk about our daughters’ hair issues.” In a Reuters Q&A, Rock adds: “I had no idea of the business of hair. I had no idea that it was as organized as Apple or Microsoft or General Motors. I had no idea the chemicals could be scary and damaging.”
http://jezebel.com/5137092/chris-rocks-new-documentary-explores-good-hair
oh duh. It’s in the next post. sorry.
sigh
Hi,
I am new to the site and am looking at various dialogues/ blogs to try to get some answers to my questions as a white transracial adoptive mom. Our daughter is African American and Asian and beautiful- I might be biased but complete strangers come up and comment on her beauty. As she has gotten older (now over a year) her hair has changed- it never fell out- but as it grew it became curly. It is now more tight curls. My husband wants us to let her hair be more natural until she is old enough to want to sit for braids and since she is very active I tend to agree with him. He says her natural hair is part of her beauty and who she is as an African American and how could I not agree with that logic? That being said, I am looking for some good styling suggestions for while she is a baby and baby (tearless formula) hair products. We started out with Precious Baby but it is too drying now that her hair is more curly and now I am trying out curls.biz products but am wondering if there is something better? And the big question and concern I have is that I am over washing her hair- how often a week should I be washing her hair? I follow up with conditioner- rinse off and then leave in but it still feels dry…Please help me take better care of her hair…Thank you so much!
Hey Mel, I saw your comment and I wanted to tell you my experience, however limited. My son’s hair also changed and got curlier with age and I also struggled with how often to wash it, how to style it, etc. Its hard to know, because everyone’s hair is different, and because my husband and I have hair that is very different from our son’s (my husband is African American and he has shaved his head since he was in high school and I am Italian and German/Swiss/Austrian/French). When he was little we used Johnson and Johnson’s curly hair shampoo (its green) b/c it is tear free. Then we tried Blended Cutie (you can get their products online), which I believe has a child’s line and also Mixed Chiks (online products), which has a kids line. I don’t think Mixed Chicks is tear free…but it hasn’t been a problem since we’ve only been using it since he was about a year and a half and could understand to put his head back for rinsing. We wash his hair about once a week (unless he dumps sand or dirt on his head) and we deep condition (using mixed chicks again) about once a week. Now his hair is cut short so it really is only curly on the top and wavy on the sides and the back when it grows out, but we still will spray it each morning and put in some leave in conditioner (mixed chicks). When his hair is long (at a year and periods of time since then when we went for long stretches without cutting it), he protests the combing and conditioning so we have to do it in the high chair so he can’t run away. You might consider taking her to a salon where one of the stylist can make a recommendation.
Thank you so much! I checked out Blended Beauty that has those products and I love how it explains which product works for what hair type! I also plan to ask a hair stylist what type of hair my baby falls into- I think it is spiral curls or corkscrew curls but would like someone to clarify for me so that I get her the best products for her hair. After just a day of the curls.biz my baby’s hair is much better- not frizzy and not dry anymore. Even my husband was blown away by the difference and says to test out the products to find the best ones for her hair- and not worry about costs. It’s nice daddy is on board
Thank you again, Sarah- I appreciate your help! btw I am over washing it by doing it every couple of days- I will reduce that to once a week and see if that helps….I have so much to learn about raising my African American/Asian daughter (hair seems like a rather small part of it) and it is so comforting to have a place like this where I can ask for help! 