written by Anti-Racist Parent contributor Max Reddick; originally published at Soulbrother v.2
“For not only must the black man be black; he must be black in relation to the white man.” –Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks
Please forgive me if this runs long. I composed it months ago, and have since revised it to the bare bones. But I really need your help on this one. Please stay with me until the end.
The questions began very early, even before I was prepared to deal with them.
At the time, my son was one of only a few African American children in his school and the only African American child in his kindergarten class. I accompanied his school on a trip to the zoo during a week set aside for the local schools.
His school, with its long line of white children with only a few specks of color here and there, stood in line next to an all black school. My son looked down the long line of white children in front of him and behind him, and then looked over at the long line of African American children.
Then he turned to me and asked me, “Why are all the white kids over here and all the little brown kids over there? And why am I not over there with the little brown kids?”
I was not prepared to deal with that question, and can’t recall exactly what I said. However, I do remember rattling off some abstruse, recondite theory that he would have never been able to understand at the time and then trying to redirect his attention elsewhere. But for the rest of the day, he was uncharacteristically reticent, and often I found him gazing wistfully and curiously at the little brown kids whenever a group of them came near.
Now, both he and my daughter have grown accustomed to either being the only African American child or one of only a few African American children in almost every setting they find themselves. But as they grow older and the relationships and social situations become more complex, I find myself having to revisit the racial question with them all over again.
In a World Surrounded by Whiteness
In their world surrounded by whiteness, I am more worried for my daughter than I am my son. My son is more than secure in his blackness. He is almost arrogant in his blackness even. He wields his blackness like a club, beating those who underestimate his ability, his mental acumen, about the head and shoulders with it.
His friends represent numerous races and ethnic groups. In fact, his current crew is made up of a Jew, a mixed race black/Hispanic, and a mixed race white/Hispanic. However, it is important to note that his crew occupies the middle and upper middle class economic stratum.
But my daughter is not so confident. Often she downplays her abilities. And all of her friends are white. She has had black friends, but they have never been long term friends. She says that the young black girls that she comes into contact with are simply too loud and boisterous, their behavior too outrageous. They are, in a word, too ghetto.
Her last friendship with a young black girl ended abruptly when that friend got into a rift of some kind, and she expected my daughter to assist her in fighting. When my daughter refused, she turned on my daughter and ridiculed her for some time. My daughter was heartbroken.
And I am just being honest when I tell you I am troubled every time I enter her room and practically all the faces staring back at me from the many posters on her wall are white. At this point, she seems to have immersed herself in whiteness. And from my own experience, it may come back to bite her.
I, too, grew up surrounded by whiteness. Most of my friends were white. And it was all fine until we grew older and began to compete for educational opportunities and jobs. Then they grew resentful of my blackness. Then they felt my blackness gave me some unfair advantage.
The first time I was ever directly called a nigger was by my white best friend at the time. Not only did he call me nigger, he moved to attack me in a violent, drunken rage. While he was being restrained, I promptly hit him in the head with a desk lamp.
I learned a lesson that day. I responded by adjusting my world view accordingly. But I was always aware of my blackness and my precarious footing in the white world, and I was confident, almost arrogant in my abilities. However, my daughter seems to be not so aware, not so confident. How will she react if she is ever confronted by a similar situation?
Coming to Terms with So-Called Black Culture
My children and I were out about town recently, when we witnessed a group of black teenagers acting a complete fool. They were loud. They were boisterous. They were profane. So much so that a security guard backed up by the local police had to escort them from the premises.
My son and daughter looked on mildly amused, and when the ruckus had subsided, I heard them joking to one another about the scene that they had just witnessed. I became very upset, however, when I heard them referring to the group of black teenagers as coons and spooks and “ignant knee-grows”.
I was perhaps more upset with myself than with them. I immediately recognized where the pejoratives coons and spooks and “ignant knee-grows” came from. That came straight out of my mouth. If you are ever curious about the faults in your children, examine yourself first.
But at that moment it became plain that my children have created a dichotomy between themselves and their social circle of acceptable African Americans and African Americans of questionable mental acumen, social graces, and moral and ethical standards. They have divided African America into good negroes and bad negroes.
But in all fairness to them, the so-called “bad negroes” have rejected them as well. So many times and for so long they have been ridiculed, sometimes by close family members, for being “too white.” They have been ridiculed for “talking white.” They have been ridiculed for “acting white.” They have been ridiculed for “having white tastes.” They have even been ridiculed for getting good grades and loving to read which incidentally falls under “acting white.”
How do they then reconcile themselves with a culture that rejects them? How do they respect a culture with values that seem to run so contrary to their own?
The Summation
I have attempted to teach my children who they are, what they. I have attempted to instill in them pride in who they are, what they are. But often I cannot find the right words. Often I am faltering in my speech. And too often I contradict myself in words and deeds.
But in the meantime, I fear they and other African American children like them are sinking gradually into the frigid depths of a cold naked abyss, and I am unable to find a rope long enough or strong enough to throw down to them and pull them to a place of safety.
What advice to you have for me?
My advice would be to put them in a specialized African-American summer camp… one that lasts as long as possible, preferably the whole summer.
Right now they’re learning mostly from their peers. You have to change their peers to change their learning. I hate to say it but there is very little parents can do in this respect other than change the peer environment. In a diverse African-American environment, one in which “acting black” is not reinforced in any negative way, they would learn the lessons you want them to learn.
I also grew up in a very white environment… being able to go to a multiracial summer camp was a lifesaver for me.
Until recently, our oldest son has only attended schools where he was in the extreme minority. However, last year we were able to move to a community that is predominately Black and Hispanic.
Previously, I was concerned that many of the Blacks my son met were not middle class. Often times while at the YMCA’s afterschool program, he would get picked on for acting or talking white. It was difficult for him, but we had taught him better. He has family members across the socail classes who speak proper English, but can also slip into an urban dialect like it were a well tailored suit. He’s been to the law offices where I have worked and met other minority attorneys and their families. He’s seen them reserved and professional while at work, but relaxed, loud, and God forbid, even boisterous while in the comfort our homes. He knows that Blacks can be scientists, doctors, lawyers, victims, and criminals just the same as white people.
Prior to our move we went out of our way to explain why some of the Black kids may choose to pick on him or not accept him, even after they got to know him better. But we also explained the reasons why some of the white kids – and unfortunately why many of their parents – would never accept him or invite him to parties where everyone else in the class had been invited.
While we went out of our way to make sure that he never felt like a lesser person because he was Black, we also went out of our way to make sure that he never felt as if he were a better person because he was privileged. And now in our current community he is able to see on a day to day basis Blacks and Hispanics going off to work, driving nice cars, living in nice houses, tending their yards, caring for their children, and speaking both proper and improper english, and I couldn’t be happier. Because I would rather a child of mine grow up in poverty than grow up to think that: 1) those who are poor are poor simply because they are somehow lacking as people; 2) only Blacks can be found “acting ghetto” because as a people they are generally lacking; or worse 3) whites are generally wealthier because they are somehow better people and only by emulating them can they succeed.
I remember reading somewhere about Jack and Jill Clubs for upperclass black families. If there’s one in your area, that should provide your kids with a social circle of college bound kids who have professional parents. Or maybe they have summer camps for kids like yours.
I wouldn’t want kids to hang around kids who are loud, boisterous and get into physical fights. They should be appalled at behavior like that and I wouldn’t feel ashamed of raising them to view that kind of behavior as unacceptable. The name calling and the laughing at other kids is bad behavior on their part, but not wanting to be like those kids is fine. It’s more a class issue than a race or culture issue.
Here’s the web site for this organization:
http://national.jackandjillonline.org/
The article I read was about a college prep session for the kids. They brought in black professionals to talk with kids about which acaemic courses to pursue. It gave them a chance to network and cultivate references. It sounds like a very good group of the sort you’d be looking for.
…or attend a black church/youth group so they have a chance to mix with other young black people (man, I might not have had a prom date if not for my youth group)
even going to college with a larger range of diversity would help out. there are always various black student orgs on campuses focused on culture or field of interest (Black Engineers, Black Law Students orgs, Black Journalism groups, etc). Those can be places to meet up and mix with black students.
however, i would advise against arbitrarily trying to jam poc friends into your peer group, just to say you have some black friends–relating to ppl on race rather than personality can have unpleasant results.
the examples above do show that although racial bias/prejudice isn’t something you have to be actively taught — it does have to be actively countered.
i also had to be made to see my ignorance by black elders who i wanted to write off due to my bias and class privilege. embarassing and humbling. but i learned to judge more carefully after that.
on the topic of seeing the teens getting hustled out by security and police:
well, they were probably acting ignorant, but a habit of thinking about black folk categorically as ignorant knee-grows can automatically bias your perspective against black people at other times when an individual really could be defended, or given the benefit of the doubt.
for instance, would they have cheered with the crowd when the black woman at the health care rally got hustled off by police for retrieving her own sign from the man who ripped it from her hands. Was she acting ignorant or defending her property?
the trend of disciplining black boys at a higher rate than other boys in public schools shows that cutting up in class is somehow more notable when you’re a black boy.
beyond the schoolroom, our society imprisons black offenders at higher rates than white offenders who commit similar crimes.
if you are a black female judge in a large metropolitan area with a categorical view of poor black offenders as ignorant knee-grows, will you be automatically inclined to send them to an alternative treatment program or to jail?
I agree with atlasien. My biracial daughter started at a school last year that is something like 90% white, and she was one of only 8 black children in the program. Academically it was a perfect setting, socially, not so much.
We continued her out-of-school activities in our very diverse neighborhood, she remains active in her black church, and she is spending the summer in local, community day camps full of children of color, many of whom she’s kept in touch with over the years.
School should change this year, as my daughter’s program is being moved to a more diverse school-in fact, the place she attended preschool. While her classes will still be majority white, PE, lunch and recess, etc. will not. She already knows some of the students there from church and camp.
We fought hard for this change and hope it will bear fruit. But we will continue the out of school connections-it’s as important as breathing for our child.
I wanted to add that it might be worth reading “The Black Girl Next Door”, the autobiography of a young woman who grew up in an all-white neighborhood.
Depending on the ages of your children, you might want to have them read it too. My daughter is an advanced student going into 5th grade and says it is the most important book she has ever read. She even had me write the author and thank her.
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Um, as someone who grew up “lower class” in a 60% black community (I am not black), I would also caution against too much emphasis on “upper middle class” part of this.
The group of kids I grew up with was ethnically diverse, and academically all pretty advanced. None of us were “upper middle class.”
Plenty of the black kids were derided for “acting white,” but we were, overall, a gentle group of kids who grew up, went to college on academic and need-based grants, and did pretty well…
I would suggest that you look for people you LIKE, who you feel are decent role models for your kids, and don’t worry overmuch about the financial piece…
It’s important to be anti-racist, but anti-classist has a role as well.
I have been monitoring the comments over the course of the day, as well as email I have received, and I thank you for your input. Some very good ideas indeed.
@dianne m
During the editing process, I caught the class-ism inherent in that remark. I deleted it, then put it back in. I realized that my views may be skewed by class-ism and that unconsciously I was passing these views to my children.
But just like you I grew up in a area that was decidedly not upper middle class and probably not upper anything for that matter. But my family valued education and achievement, so that is proof enough that class only plays a small role; however, I do believe it does play a role.
Peace,
Max
I just wrote a little about this subject, we are at the very beginning since my girl is 2.5. I am reading all the comments with a watchful eye and hoping, like you, to find some answers.
From my blog;
This weekend we all meet up with two other families who adopted their girls from the same Crèche as A. We went to the Zoo, which was completely insane with crowds and the girls got to visit while seeing the animals. At one point all three girls were holding hands in a line, walking together and swinging their arms in the air. A. took on of the girls hand and grasped it with both of her own, looking intently at her skin.
She looked up at me, then her papa and said brightly, clearly, “What color is Papa?” I said, stupidly, “What color is his shirt?“ She then looked at me and repeated the question with the answer, “Blue shirt!” the reason I answered with the shirt response is because for weeks we’ve been having this discussion regarding shirts on people, she’ll ask “What color?” and always answer “green, blue, etc. shirt.” However, I believe that what she was really asking, and needing me to acknowledge, what that she was noticing the difference between us. I feel bad that I did not answer her question when she asked and I hope to do better next time.
When we got home I asked her, what color are you A.? She replied, brown! I said, yep, you are beautiful and have beautiful brown skin. Since Saturday we’ve talked on and off about the color of people. How does any parent handle issues of race with little kids? Its seems like it should be a simple thing-we are all human after all, but its feels so heavy and complicated. I realize that even if she does not bring it up, its my responsibility as her parent to talk about race, to let her know that we can talk and talk and talk about anything she needs or wants to figure out.
max,
your piece struck many chords with me. as a single, biracial parent of an amazing biracial son (he’s almost
with a similar upbringing and raising my son in two worlds i can relate.
but, first (and i will challenge myself on my own words) but to refer to other black folks as coons and spooks appalls me. seriously? maybe ghetto, maybe ignorant, maybe thug, but ‘coon’ and ‘spooks’. i’m not sure what to do with that and can’t imagine those words coming out of my mouth or being used around children.
where i will challenge relating this topic is from time to time i use ‘ghetto’, ‘hood’, and ‘thug’ to explain behavior and situations which my son and i see on a daily basis. however, he also hears great pride attached to those words because of course with each of them there are cultural pros that can’t be found elsewhere.
my advice is to 100% stop using those words and make sure you’re children grow up knowing that there are amazing, talented, and courageous black and brown folks living in poverty.
where i could relate was raising my son in two worlds. he goes to a private school in mn and is about to enter his 4 year there. he usually is one of 2 students in a class of 20 that is biracial, black, or indian. it is an amazing community and he feels comfortable expressing his blackness, ideas about race, and presenting ALL who he is to his peers and the faculty. as do i. seriously, that environment is a dream come true.
BUT, there is absolutely no way i can raise a racially conscious AND confident young man in that environment so he has attended a summer/afterschool program for the same four years that is less than a mile from where we live and in the heart of the ‘hood’. it’s an amazing different environment where the whites are in the minority and the majority of the students are biracial, black, and african.
lately there (for the first time in 4 years) he has struggled with making friends with the black boys. they tease him, make fun of him, and are quick to leave him out and play with one another. this summer his best friends were native american and vietnamese. it was SO hard to have him come home each day and explain in his own way that the boys were mean to him and were picking on him. what are the right things i should have said? or done? i’m still not sure. but all i did (and will continue to do) is talk to him and support him and give him my insight on why he was a target and why the kids might have been lashing out.
my hope is that he and they are able to see beyond their differences and find their similiarities. i know this sounds too simplistic but figuring out this race stuff with children isn’t easy and in many cases it takes time, support, and caring/competent adults to be able to answer our children’s questions, educate them about our history, and support them as they negioate such troubled waters.
quendy
Quendy, thank you for ” to refer to other black folks as coons and spooks appalls me. seriously? maybe ghetto, maybe ignorant, maybe thug, but ‘coon’ and ’spooks’. i’m not sure what to do with that and can’t imagine those words coming out of my mouth or being used around children. ”
I could not agree more with those sentiments. I get the point of the article regarding classism and being the only Black kid in a White setting and the balance one must obtain, but seriously if the words coons and spooks are being spoken at home by a Black parent, there is some serious self hatred going on in that home. Until the home/family racial baggage is cleaned up, how can you deal with the larger community?
I can not imagine adding to what everyone has said. My issue with today’s world is the music our children listen to, as it was with our parents while we were growing up. Back then it was, “Don’t listen to heavy metal or it will make you off yourself!” And life wasn’t perfect and may never be. But, back then when kids would get into a fight at school, it would end in a black eye or a bloody nose. Today, kids are toting knives and guns to school with on-duty police officers on campus. I point most of the blame, not on black people, but on rap music brainwashing our youth into gang lifestyles. Most all inmates and gang members listen to rap. All rap infested schools require on-duty police officers and metal detectors at the door. People often say I am full of it, but what would life be like with out rap music? (the way it is today) I posted a video on YouTube titled I am not a stupid racist in an effort to get zillions of youtubers to here my message. I hope I have inspired you, or at least helped your concerns. -jw
Thank you for this article and all the comments. I am a white mother raising two beautiful and smart Ethiopian born children. They will go to a private school that is predominately white–the public schools in our urban area are horrendous. My son–who is three–already notices the difference in his skin color and asks if the other kids will think he is different because he has brown skin. I was certainly not ready for this conversation at 3. We talked about differences and how we are all different and that skin color is just a part of what make us all unique.
My children live in a white world. But we are also fortunate to live in a city that has a large African American population. So, he often sees and interacts with others that look like him. I work to make sure he is able to see both worlds and have access to people of all ethnic backgrounds.
I love the idea of a multiracial camp and will be looking for one in my area when my kids are older.
The life of your kids? That was my life.
The only time we ever really hung out with black kids around our age was at church, and the kids were SO different from us that we never got close. They made fun of us for talking/acting “white”, being smart and well-behaved. And I learned the same differentiation that your kids have picked up.
In some ways I think it would’ve been useful for me to have attended an HBCU. As it was, I got my degree at Hometown U. and really didn’t start to experience a more well-rounded view of black people until my first job. I learned a lot. And I still am.
I’m grateful for the way I grew up because my education was the best that my parents could provide – but at some points I wish that I could’ve listened more when they tried to impart more knowledge, and that there had been some place like atlasien suggested for me and my sister to go.
I think the fact that you’re analyzing the sitch now means great things for your kids, now – and later.
Okay, a serious and slightly vulnerable question, but I’m gonna stick my neck out there . . .
Some of you have described your children being left out, or called out for being “not black enough” in certain circles, particularly when they are in environments where there are more AA children than not.
As a white mom, I live with so many concerns about how my black son will be accepted in ANY circle. I know every parent worries about this for their kids, but when you add the adoption/transracial element, it’s something that I am really sensitive about. We’ve been really intentional to have him involved in activities where he is not the minority, and at his age (4) it has all been very positive. However, I sort of cringe at the thought that as he gets older, he may be less and less accepted, for the reasons some of you cited above. What does a parent do about that? I fear that if he were rejected like that, my knee-jerk reaction would be to avoid those situations, which would not be good for him either.
Kids can be so cruel, and I guess what I’m saying is, a part of me fears that his racial identity could be even more damaged from his AA peers. (Of course, he would certainly be every bit as susceptible to hurt from his white peers, but in that case it would probably be more covert).
There has been a lot of discussion around Canada (well, Ontario and Nova Scotia anyway) about, as the opponents to the idea call it, segregated schools. I try to explain to folks over and over, we are not talking about segregated schools, we are talking about a whole different learning experience, Afrocentric schools. People seem to get quite upset when you mention this idea. I have heard many white folk saying “But the blck community has worked so hard over the years to get rid of segregated schools, why go back?” Do you honestly think that black folk want to go back to the days of segregation? You got to be kidding me. Speaking of segregated schools, they already exist. How many French only school boards do we have? How many religion based schools do we have? How many schools, due to location, only serve folks of one race? What about the private elite schools that have “unspoken race rules” such as children of alumni only when the alumni is only white due to the previous segregation? This is not segregation we are talking about when we speak of Afrocentric schools..it is another way of teaching.
Kristen,
The good news is that not ALL black kids in churches and afterschool programs are going to reject black and biracial children who are being brought up in white or less diverse communities.
My daughter (and I, the only white person in her church) have been heartily accepted from the beginning. She is one of a tiny handful of blacks in a public gifted school and rather than making fun or calling her white, the black community around HER has embraced and celebrated her achievements. Her pastor even attended her school’s “Bring a Grownup to Work Day”.
Her summer camps are about 99% black, mostly kids from less affluent circumstancces, and again, she has been well-accepted. The girls try out hairstyles she doesn’t get to try on her sister at home, the kids there know who the heroes and heroines of black history are, and I’ve never heard of one ever teasing her for being “too white”.
While it certainly happens, it doesn’t HAVE to happen. My DH grew up in a redlined district and saw white kids only at school. He went on to become highly educated and while he did sometimes hear taunts about acting white, he also still has close ties to his black family and friends. He’s comfortable in his own skin in both professional and social settings where he’s a majority, not a minority. That comes from being raised to be proud of who he is and not kept away from kids who might be a little less educated or less interested in education or class.
Please do not think that your child will be “damaged by his AA peers”. It’s not universal that AA children don’t value education and reject anyone with a different experience. That certainly hasn’t been our experience.
Please don’t hear me saying that “that AA children don’t value education and reject anyone with a different experience”. I’m not saying that at all. This is why I was hesistant to share my concerns – I don’t want to be misread like that. Of course many/most people will be (and have been) accepting of him and of our family.
I just have the same concerns that the author does, but it makes it harder being a white family, with the dynamic of wanting to surround him with friends of the same race, but then worrying that doing so will open him up to being rejected.
Kristen,
As the white mother of a biracial child, I hear what you’re saying, but you can’t go into this thinking that one group or another is more or less likely to reject or tease your child. It’s going to happen-whether it’s race, speech, heck, even the shirt he wears one day. You give him the tools to be proud of who he is and he will be mostly ok. I honestly think it would be far worse to NOT expose him to others of his race in the event that maybe possibly, he might be hurt.
FWIW, my DD was harassed more by the affluent white kids at her gifted (public) school than EVER in her previous more diverse, lower-income area schools. At least there no one told her to take out her braids because they were ugly or nominated her to play a slave in the upcoming history play (she chose to play a freed slave, and she OWNED it, BTW.)
kristin,
i 100% get what you’re saying and as parents we want to protect them all the time so i think it’s easier to pull away from those environments and not use them. BUT good diverse programs that fit for your families and his needs. he will have some struggles but in time you’ll help him process and work through them. to have kids on color in only a white environment for all of thieir existence creates a very unbalanced citizen. thus, it’ll take more work and advocacy on your part…but 100% worth it and so needed!
quendy
Oh yes, I believe my son will experience just as much or more prejudice from white children (he already has). It is just more covert and therefore harder to address head-on. It’s just hard as a parent to know that my child could be rejected in some settings for being Black, and then could be ostracized in other settings for being “not Black enough”. Kinda heartbreaking, really.
My eyes are flowing in tears reading this at this time in my live. I am 33, a mother of a bi-racial baby boy 3 years old. I am not perfect but I lived in a cloud believing prejudice was in the “past”, living in NYC was so diverse that i never thought of race being a issue, as i stated a “living in a cloud”. Today my “black/white” son was playing with 2 white children who was being mean in a very cunning way. I notice it but keep on watching. They were join by 5 more “white” kids. With-in a split second they were calling my son the “N” word, saying he was “disgusting”. Broken hearted i sat with my “white” husband in shock, in pain, in a deep sorrow, a never felt depression, we both just looked on not reacting but waiting to see what my son would do. He ran into my arms and cried. I Just hugged him and said mommy and daddy loves you so much baby. Don’t cry. Broken hearted and shocked since the “cloud” has been lifted we left the restaurant play park. Passing the family knowing the children just told their parents something about my son. I looked into the children eyes to hear the father say to his kids “is that the boy u were telling me about” . I left the restaurant wishing i could moved back to NYC from Texas my new home has just became my new “hell”. My world just fell apart. I now realize that prejudice is real. I am broken and my soul is grieving. Please understand (i/we/my hubby) is very diverse. I would be the first to say i was stupid to think it did not occur. i regret not speaking up at the time but the shock has frozen my free-sprited soul. I have never felt so empty as i feel now. Not because of what happened, but by my ignorance to the matter, and my ignorance to the pain racism brings. In my crushed world i would make changes in my attitudes, in my behavior, in my way of teaching my child. I would open my heart to believe that love is not enough to keep my baby safe and happy. I now see how a bi-racial child see the world, I don’t fit in anymore in the world I built. Broken hearted i clench to my child in our bed because i don’t want to let him go into the horrible world outside. The world i built, the cloud i covered, I want back that security but it has been forever stolen by children. I hate myself for not voicing my emotions at the time, but they are just children, NO THEY ARE THE FUTURE OF MY SON”S WORLD A WORLD I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN. A world i lived in for 33 years 8 hours, another 8 hours crying, clinging to my son’s body while he sleeps. I wake up to this world a different woman. I am a black woman. I lived all those years being “white” or living in the “whiteness”. Hate lived in me all those years, hate for who I was “a black woman”.
My husband held me and kiss my forehead. He whispered “I LOVE U” I held him close to my body. He kissed me and said, “LOVE WILL BRING ME A NEW “CLOUD” A “CLOUD” OF REALITY, HARSHNESS. A COLD WET CLOUD NEXT TO THAT “CLOUD” IS A “RAINBOW” A BI-RACIAL COLOR RAINBOW A rainbow of “hope” that our babies would have other strong role models to make him proud of who he is, and where he came from…. have faith…….” LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING it did for US didn’t it.
yes…..
yes
I was raised in NYC. Diversity galore. I went to a public school and one of a few children of color enrolled in a gifted program. In some instances I saw, felt and experienced racism from a teacher or two and some classmates. So, when I was 8 years old…i started a club. It was called, “Positively Black.” (There was a program on tv that my mom watched and that was the name of it. That and “Like It Is” I felt the name appropriate. I say all that to say that I wasn’t about to take this “thing” laying down.
Fast forward…moved from NY to VA (Hampton Roads area) , married and had a daughter. She was enrolled in a Montessori school that was culturally and racial diverse. One year ago we moved to San Antonio, TX! We enrolled her in Montessori school that felt right. It still feels right. However, she is the only Black child in the entire school of 60+ children. Last year that was not a problem. This year she is in a class where it appears to be.
On little girl, has decided that my child isn’t to be allowed to play with her and her friends. This little girl and her parents have placed invitations into the boxes of all the kids in the class. There was no invite for my child. The teacher immediately pulled the parents in the office once she discovered this. Her thought is that if not all the children are invited then invites need to be mailed to the attendess. It is painful to think that my 4 year old has to endure this crap already.
The saving grace is her teacher and the director are aware and are handling the issue. The other little girl may very well be asked to find another school to attend. Their fear is her behavior will infect the rest. I am happy that they are addressing the issue with both the child and her “co-horts” and the parents.
My concern is…how do I give her the skills to keep your head up at the age of four when she is so vulnerable. This incident has opened up wounds that both my husband and I thought were closed. We know what it is like to be the “only” or one of few. But our baby is 4!!! My heartaches…..
I live in South Africa in a black majority country(about 70%). However, I have experience racism especially from my son’s school(Parents and teachers). My son was not invited to parties of children he plays with at school. This one time, I was one of the parents who volunteer(the only “black” as the other three are working full-time) to trasport the children to a museum outing. I was so shocked to be given 4 black children to transport(the only four in the class-including my son). This was not a coincidence and to me it was placing the children in different boxes and was really shocking. It is a good school but the vibes are definitely not cool. I have tried to invite some friends over for a play date. My son is almost 6 and the one time the parent also came even though they do not accompany their children on other(read white) playdates.
Thanks for the blog at least I am not alone.
I have recently encountered this myself. My 5 year old son is the only white male, and one of only two white kids in his kindergarten class. One of the children have a birthday party coming up next weekend, and my son was the only boy who did not receive an invitation to this party.
Apparently the kids get along great, and play well together according to his teacher. It’s my opinion that it was the parents decision to omit our son, and not the student.
The word segregate means: to separate a group of people according to race, religion, or gender. I won’t make any accusations towards the parents, but it’s tough to explain to my kid why every other one of his friends (all black, or black-hispanic) are going to this party, and he was not invited.
Well….tough without bringing up race to a 5 year old.