Dear Anti-Racist Parent,
A little background…
I’m white (actually mixed-race, but look 100% white) and I am adopted. (My adopted mom knows my ethnic heritage.) I married a woman that’s Puerto Rican and black, and we have a mixed-race daughter.
Now, my wife has gotten bad vibes from my adopted mom every now and then, but they’ve pretty much squashed that mess. Then today, an aunt of mine, on my adopted mom’s side, sends my wife a forwarded e-mail containing a racist “joke.” This aunt will be visiting town in less than a month and has expressed an interest in meeting my wife and child, but this e-mail has thrown a wrench into the gears of that whole deal.
How should we handle this?
On one hand, maybe meeting my wife and child would help to change the racist views of someone who has little experience with people of color, but on the other, she needs to know that what she did was not right and that it offended us deeply. Is there a way to balance a “teachable moment” with a validation of our hurt feelings? What would be a proper way to bring this up? Should we just avoid her (and the awkwardness that meeting up with her would surely bring)?
HELP!!!
– J.M.
El Cajon, CA
From the Editor:
First, I am sorry that you and your family have to deal with prejudice from the people that you look to for love and support. It is often difficult to balance obligation to extended family with the needs and feelings of immediate family. Both are valid, but I believe that the needs of your immediate family—your wife and child—take precedence. And so, my questions to you are:
What would make your wife most comfortable? From your letter it seems that, of the two of you, she identifies as “of color” and was the one personally attacked by your aunt’s e-mail and perhaps is the most personally offended. (I say “attacked” assuming that your aunt knew that she was sending a racist e-mail to a person of color, which seems to imply an intended slight, or at the very best, someone being awfully obtuse.)
Teaching moments are wonderful, but I think that no marginalized person is obligated to swallow justified hurt and anger to better “teach” the privileged or “squash” the mess or racism. That people of color are nearly always asked to do so in the face of prejudice is spiritually wearying and a tyranny.
So, does your wife wish to meet your aunt?
What do you and your wife believe is best for your child? Of course, you and your wife know your family far better than I. How do you both feel about introducing your child to your aunt? Certainly, we all have biases. Are you confident that your aunt will keep hers in check in the presence of your child? Are you confident that your aunt will not do or say something that will be potentially damaging to your child’s self esteem and racial identity?
What action would best preserve relations with your extended family? While I agree that the needs of your immediate family should come first, extended family is important. Family should be able to speak frankly and address important issues, while preserving the bonds of love. (I know…I know…easier said than done.)
The best possible scenario is that you are able to explain to your aunt your reservations before she meets your wife and child, and that your family can then move forward in a way that is comfortable for all. I imagine a conversation like this:
“Aunt So-and-So, I am excited for you to meet my wife and child, too, but I have to say that I am concerned. Last week, you forwarded a joke about x to my wife. Our family believes “jokes” based on racial stereotypes are harmful and we were offended. My wife is Puerto Rican and black and my child is mixed-race, so that e-mail was personally hurtful to them and to me as someone who loves them.
“I wanted to be open about this, because I love you. I want my wife and child to know that they are loved and welcomed by my family. Frankly, that e-mail has me worried.”
Of course, your conversation would less formal and “bloggy.” Ideally, by addressing the issue in advance you can start a dialogue.
Of course, you are likely well aware that broaching this issue could result in recrimination and defensiveness. People often don’t react well when they think are being called “racist”—even if the charge is justified. So, there is a chance that calling racism for what it is may cause greater problems in the short run and maybe in the long run, too. Only you and your wife can decide whether it is worth the risk.
Readers, what do you say?
I recently had to object (privately and gently, but directly) to two “joke” e-mails–one from a friend, the other from a family member. The first e-mail was racist, and the second was insensitive to those who struggle with alcoholism and homelessness.
My friend sent me an apology, which I gratefully acknowledged. My family member did not respond (but in his case, silence means that he got my message–otherwise, he would have sent me a sharp retort).
Although I was anxious about challenging these “jokes,” I feel that I did the right thing–and I’ll do it again in the future.
I think that this is a great insight. The strategy one might use to promote knowledge and awareness is different than the strategy one might use to protect one’s own peace of mind — especially because the sort of people who forward racist emails are likely to make things unpleasant for the educator, and likely to try to enlist family allies in that process.
As you suggest, I’d defer entirely to the offended loved one in that circumstance.
I’d say, “Aunt Mary, I know you didn’t mean that the way it came across, but that e-mail hurt my wife’s feelings and she felt it was kind of derogatory. I’d like you to meet my wife and son and be a part of our lives, but do you think you could not send us jokes like that or make comments like that?” The end. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She doesn’t know better, she didn’t mean to hurt you, and she is part of your family. If she keeps doing it, you can always limit contact.
Andrea,
I worry that your approach is too soft. Depending on the nature of the “joke,” saying something is “kind of derogatory” and may have hurt his wife’s feelings minimizes the aunt’s actions: “It’s not really a big deal, but my wife was offended, so…”
I think it is important to be clear about identifying racism, even as you work to make sure not to demonize the perpetrator.
I think that stressing that fact that the wife and child are of color of mixed race may give the impression that white people aren’t/shouldn’t be offended by them. I would write a letter like this:
Dear Aunt Name,
I am looking forward to seeing you and to having you meet my wife and child, but I wanted to address something first. In your recent email, you made a joke about a specific ethnicity/race, X. My wife and I were offended, and we do not want our child exposed to these sorts of ideas. I know that you will respect that.
Thanks,
etc.
I don’t think my approach was too soft, depending on the joke and the language used. This is a family member, albeit probably one they aren’t going to see more than a few times a year, and presumably someone who didn’t mean to hurt her nephew.
In this situation, I’d give her a graceful way to save face while also letting her know that it offended the wife and would probably be offensive to other people. “I know you didn’t mean it that way, but this is the way my wife saw it …” If Aunt Mary has any sensitivity, that’s enough to make her think, “Boy. Maybe I SHOULDN’T make jokes like that. I’m so embarrassed. I didn’t mean to hurt them like that. Maybe I shouldn’t be sending that around to anyone else …” If she does it again after that, that’s the time for the more forceful message or the “I’m sorry, but we can’t see you again for awhile because of those racist jokes you keep telling. We told you they were derogatory and asked you not to tell them around us and you keep doing it.”
My SIL once posted a “joke” that was so racist it floored me. I nearly ripped her head off, but then decided to simply email her back with nothing more than a request to “not ever share that joke with my children” (my children are of mixed ethnic heritage). I got back a VERY apologetic email. I responded by saying I wasn’t offended (ok, I WAS, but she was really groveling so why pile on?), I just thought it was out of character for her. It allowed me to make my point and gave her room to realize her mistake. I doubt it will ever happen again, but the groundwork has been laid for a righteous a**-kicking if it does.
I sympathize with the family offended; I’m in a similar situation. Often, people who lack fluency in non-European cultures can be well-intentioned but nonetheless harbor an unconscious bias and devalue the opinions of people of color without realizing it. It is very important for J.M. to make it clear that s/he is deeply offended, since the aunt may very well adopt a you-know-how-they-are (wink wink) attitude and dismiss the wife’s opinion/intepretation as unfounded whining.
That said, don’t miss the opportunity to use this as a teachable moment for your child. Using age-appropriateness as a guide to the language you use, it’s never too early to teach children to dissect how we all categorize and value each other. My husband and I discuss the issue at dinner. We try to stick to two rules: It’s okay to notice differences but not to make value judgments about aspects of appearance that people are born with. It is okay to make value judgments about behavior people can control.
I love the way the editor’s note is worded. I think handling it directly is best. Racism needs to be confronted – I doubt she will eventually “get it”. Also, while your aunt may get along well with your wife and child and accept them, it may just be as an exception as opposed to actually coming to terms with her own racism. Seems like she has opened a door to talk about her issues.
J.M., arent you offended personally as a person of color? If none of your immediate family was brown, would you feel offended?
I think it’s important to do it face to face, and to make sure the relative understands how racist jokes make you and your wife feel.
I think doing it in writing would depersonalize the communication too much – the goal is to make the aunt understand that racist joke X equals human being Y, if that makes sense.
If she tries to put it back on you by claiming you’re too sensitive or whatever, then it’s time to decide if you want to put up with it or cut her off.
“We try to stick to two rules: It’s okay to notice differences but not to make value judgments about aspects of appearance that people are born with. It is okay to make value judgments about behavior people can control.”
I love this. Thanks for sharing.
Dymond J,
I didn’t write this post, but I can say that I am a white person who is not attached to anyone of colour, and I find racist jokes offensive. I don’t think it’s ok to demean people for any reason. I’m also not a gay man and yet I find jokes about gay men offensive.
I’m a human being who thinks other human beings should be treated with respect.
Maybe the person who posted this is too, and his marriage is a result of that, not the cause.