Dear Love Isn’t Enough,
I am a young, black woman in a relationship with a white man who’s had a child with a Chinese woman. His five-year-old son is so cute on pictures, but not in person. Aside from his turbulent ways, which I can tolerate because he’s a highly-energetic little boy, he has come to break my heart by making racist comments at me on several occasions.
He has said in front of all that “black is not pretty” and that I’m not pretty because my skin color is not nice. Then again on another occasion, as I was walking and he watched me, he said, “Ah! She’s so ugly! Black people are ugly and they’re not good.” My heart fell again, but not as much as the first time. I really love all children and I’m generally good with them, and I never expected a child to hold such beliefs, let alone the child of the man I love. His father told him not to say such mean things anymore because
people should not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their characters. Then his son said, “Only white people are good.” He sees all Chinese people as white.
The first time that this happened, I confronted my boyfriend who didn’t seem to know how to handle this situation. All he said to his son was that it was bad to say that and then carried on like nothing ever happened. I could see that my boyfriend was slightly embarassed when that happened and rebutted his son by whispering, but in my opinion he should have explained things
thoroughly to his son right then and there. His son is mainly raised by his Chinese grandparents (as most children in Shanghai) and mother. So, when I asked him where he learned such a terrible thing, my boyfriend said that ”the Chinese do not value dark skin as beautiful because it implies that you’re of a lower class (i.e. a farmer who works out in the sun)” and that they must have taught his son this notion that dark skin is ugly. He said it may take a while for his son to stop thinking as such, and that he will keep teaching him the right thing from now on.
Four weeks later, the little boy said the same thing, in an even worst manner. We were all about to go out and have a good time when he dropped that bomb again. My spirits were completely down, and as hard as I try to like that kid every time I see him (once a week or once every two weeks), I just can’t be the nurturing person that I generally am with other children (regardless of race, and I have been around kids of different races before). I was so positive in the beginning about this whole “meeting the kids” thing, that now I feel uncomfortable and sad when I know that his son will be spending time with us again. Every time, I remind myself that he’s just a kid…. but then he lets me down again and again, and now I just have this sadness and anger towards my partner for not having taught his son about other races before incorporating me into his family, or not having a stronger influence on him. I have come to blame him, somehow, while he blames his son’s Chinese family. My boyfriend wants all three of us to do many fun activities together, but I just can’t anymore and he doesn’t seem to really understand why…
It hurts me so much that his son, whom he adores, would say such terrible things about my race. I never expected this, honestly. He’s white and maybe he doesn’t know how I feel, because he seems to be taking this more lightly than I am. I love my boyfriend and I would like to accept his son into my heart, but this was the worst thing that was ever said to me in my life, and I don’t know how to deal with this… I pray for patience (with the child) and I pray for strength (to carry this burden, having to hear this again in the future while treating this child in a loving way).
What is your advice? I would really appreciate some guidance.
Anonymous
From the Editor:
Anonymous, you wrote:
I pray for strength (to carry this burden, having to hear this again in the future while treating this child in a loving way).
You should not be carrying this burden and you certainly should not be carrying it alone. I am sorry that this is happening to you and that it seems your significant other (SO) is unable or unwilling to step in and provide guidance to his child. You must feel very alone and frustrated. I think you are right to be angry with your partner, because it is his duty as a parent to guide and teach and correct his son, and to ensure that his child treats other people with respect. As his SO, you can, and should, support him and the child’s mother in co-parenting, but they possess the ultimate responsibility. And I say this as the stepmother of two great kids, who came into my life at ages 7 and 10.
The ultimate problem here, apart from race, is that your partner’s son is being brazenly rude and disrespectful, which is not okay. His behavior may point to larger issues. It could be that he has not processed his parent’s separation and is resentful of your presence in his father’s life. It could be, that with another woman, he might find a thing other than race to attack. But this lashing out is not okay. And by not addressing it, your partner and his son’s mother are teaching their child that his behavior is okay–okay towards adults, okay in the schoolyard, and later, okay at work. Your SO owes it to his son and to you to get to the root of this problem.
The racial part of this is also disturbing. Your boyfriend offered:
“the Chinese do not value dark skin as beautiful because it implies that you’re of a lower class (i.e. a farmer who works out in the sun)” and that they must have taught his son this notion that dark skin is ugly. He said it may take a while for his son to stop thinking as such, and that he will keep teaching him the right thing from now on.
Blaming his son’s thinking on Chinese culture is, I think, a way for your partner to avoid taking responsiblity for this problem. Even if his assertion is true, is his son’s behavior not egregious enough to invoke concern? Does he not want to DO something about it? Has he spoken to his son’s other family about how this race bias developed? His son will not magically outgrow his race-biased thinking unless an adult who loves him PROACTIVELY reinforces an understanding and appreciation of other cultures and discourages racial prejudice. That is the only way. Whispered admonitions won’t do it. And this passive love and adoration is not enough.
Your boyfriend might consider that he is raising a child of color and while that child may be among the majority culture while living in Shanghai, there are many other places where he will be in the minority and may face some of the very hurtful behavior that is currently being reinforced in his character. Your partner can help his son by personally getting smart about issues of race and prejudice, and learning to empathize with the victims of these things.
And that brings me to my last concern. I am concerned about you. With all due respect, a man who loves you should not expect you to suffer abuse with silence and a smile–even when that abuse comes at the hands of someone else he loves. I must add that I do not buy that your partner cannot understand how hurtful this situation is because he is white. One needn’t be “of color” to know that being constantly told that you are ugly or bad, even by a child, can be soul-destroying.
Something needs to be done. As I mentioned above, I think this is ultimately a problem that your significant other and the child’s mother MUST solve.
- Your partner needs to talk to his ex and explain in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable to teach racist insults to his child. It is true that this may not work, but I think he needs to have this discussion.
- Your partner and his ex need to ascertain if their son is ready to be involved in either of their romantic relationships. It may simply be too soon. The boy, if he has limited time with his father, may need more time alone with him, not a new family unit that includes you.
- If your SO’s child continues to spend time with you, your boyfriend must state in no uncertain terms what behavior is expected–that you are to be treated nicely and respectfully. And then he must reinforce that.
- Your SO must determine a proactive anti-racist parenting plan, as other parents should.
What can you do?
- You can continue to be kind to this child whenever he is around you.
- You can support your significant other in finding anti-racist parenting resources and you can reinforce the things he is trying to teach his son.
- And you can be sure to take care of YOU. You should not have to tolerate unchecked abuse–racial or otherwise. It is not uncommon for kids in blended families to act out. Seeing mom or dad form bonds with other people is hard for a kid, and can therefore be hard on all family members. How parents deal with children’s fears make all the difference in whether bonding happens successfully. If a child is allowed to disrespect and abuse one party in a blended family, the situation can NEVER work. Once that die is cast and the damage done, it will be hard to retrieve and repair five or 10 years down the line.
Readers, what do you think?
This is a really depressing situation. The editor’s advice seems great. I agree that the father is handling this absolutely wrong.
I don’t know where he is picking this stuff up… maybe he’s getting from the Chinese grandparents, but he could also be getting it from peers at school in America. It was a very sad day for me when I heard my son (who is black/biracial and medium-toned) say that “light skin is better than dark skin”. He was born and raised in America… he got that right here. At one point he even claimed he was light too… light like me (this is obviously wrong).
I did NOT tell him he was never supposed to say anything like that… I encouraged him to talk about it, while explaining why wasn’t the right way to think. I think he’s come a long way since then, and today he talks about his skin color with more pride.
Getting into motivations for why the boy is saying these things… I think one major reason is that he might be facing a lot of racial issues himself. Children that age are aware of race, but they’re not aware enough to understand how adults see race. I think the boy could be very insecure, and could be facing racialized insults either in China or in the U.S., and maybe both. He’s being assigned to a racial hierarchy, he feels the strain of always being the different one, he’s confused and hurt, and he responds by lashing out and trying to secure a higher place in the racial hierarchy as “not dark”.
In private, you could ask the boy what he’s going through… ask if people have called him names or said things about him that made him feel different. Tell him it’s OK to talk about it, and it feels beetter to talk about it, even if other people say it’s NOT OK to talk about that. Empathize with him… and then point out that he has been doing the same thing to you. And that’s not right.
That doesn’t address the other problem of your boyfriend. And like the editor says, you need to take care of you first. Ultimately, your boyfriend needs to step up.
Hi, Anonymous,
I really commend you for being honest about how you feel and about the fact that your feelings are not only directed at your partner, but at his child. It’s not easy to admit when we have less-than-warm-and-fuzzy feelings towards kids. Being honest with ourselves is important because it’s confusing and unfair to kids to “fake” how we feel when we’re around them. They are very perceptive and the dissonance between what we “show” and what they sense can be unsettling to them.
I don’t have much to add to what Tami has said, except to emphasize that this is truly a parenting issue, in which a lot of the onus is on your boyfriend. How long had you and your boyfriend been dating before you met his child? How long have this child’s parents been apart? What has been the child’s reaction to his parents not being together? How has his mother handled the separation/break up/divorce? Maybe it was too soon for the child to meet you?
Not that any of this excuses the child’s behavior–or his dad’s reaction–but there are other factors at play here as well, such as the dynamics of meeting dad’s new significant other, which is huge for a child–and for the significant other. The racial issues add another layer of complexity.
That said, the boys’ comments being racial in nature is upsetting understandably, but as Tami said, it’s not the racial nature of his comments that are the core problem. The child is being rude, and his father has not had a parental response that discourages this behavior. This speaks to a serious breakdown between the parent and the child.
Further, your boyfriend appears to be disregarding your feelings, which is disrespect on top of disrespect. Your feelings will continue to be trampled on until these dynamics change.
I’m usually not a fan of relationship ultimatums, but in this case, I think it’s less a ultimatum than setting boundaries: Tell your boyfriend that it’s not in your best interest nor his child’s for this disrespectful dynamic to continue between the THREE of you, and that the child should not be incorporated into your time together until dad resolves this parenting challenge.
And gain, as Tami has observed, this isn’t just a parenting challenge for him, but specifically an anti-racist parenting challenge.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend may not be up for this challenge. My advice to you would be to move on if he’s not. Based on the information you shared, I can’t fathom a future relationship for the two of you in which you are routinely disrespected, by him and by his child.
Best,
~Deesha
Atlasien,
I have to disagree with your suggestion for Anonymous to get into a private, detailed discussion about this issue with this child. From the sound of it, it doesn’t seem as if she’s been able to establish the kind of relationship with him to be doing a lot of redirecting and correcting. That’s why timing and having the dad step up is so important. I believe she can assert to the child (in age-appropriate language) that she expects him to be respectful, but then dad needs to take over from there.
The other problem with speaking to the child in private is that given his negative view of people with dark skin, the child could tell his family that she said or did things she did not do, and then it’s her word against his. A terrible position for either of them to be in.
I totally agree that talking with the child and exploring his motivations and concerns is key. Perhaps the two adults could talk to the child together, but even then, I think it depends on how long Anonymous been in this child’s life and other factors. I believe Dad needs to be having these conversations with his kid before he brings someone else–especially someone whom the child views negatively–into the picture.
~Deesha
I don’t really know much about what is or is not appropriate in step-relationships, so I can’t argue back on that issue.
It just seems to me that the father might not be able to speak to this at all. It sounds like he is too uncomfortable and lacks the vocabulary because he has serious whiteness issues of his own. If he can’t address it at all, the family dynamics are just going to keep getting worse. Maybe the questioner could talk to the father about having that kind of conversation with the child — clear it in advance — and give him an ultimatum, “if you can’t do it, and alternately, you can’t support me talking this through with your son, then….”
I agree it’s the father’s responsibility, but honestly, it’s likely that he is be too weak in this area to fulfill that responsibility… I am pessimistic.
Hey, Atlasien,
(Just to be clear, I’m not arguing with you, just addressing the issues at hand, which are very, very common for dating co-parents.)
I could be wrong, but I didn’t pick up that this was a step-relationship. I presumed the couple wasn’t married or living together. It seems to be a rather newish relationship, or at least the child coming around Anonymous is new/has only happened a few times. That’s the sense I got.
I share your pessimism about the dad, though I hope I’m wrong. But it’s still not Anonymous’s place–as dad’s girlfriend with whom the child does not have a relationship–to step in and pick up dad’s slack.
I’m reminded of the post here recently where someone noted that with kids, relationship has to come before correction. Or something like that…
Something else that comes to mind: The piece we haven’t factored in is the child’s mother. She and her family may be instilling racist ideas in this child, but she is still his mother, a tremendous influence, and she might well have some thoughts about a girlfriend essentially parenting her child. What are her feelings about her child meeting and spending time with Anonymous? Was she given the opportunity to meet or talk to Anonymous before the child did? As it stands, Anonymous might well find it in her best interest to walk away from this relationship…which would mean “walking away” from this child. This is why timing is such an important factor in deciding to introduce your kid to someone you’re dating–and in agreeing to meet someone’s kid. Children, especially those who have already endured the loss of one intact family, shouldn’t be subjected to the revolving door of their parents’ dating lives.
Love, in this case, really isn’t enough. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s automatically time to introduce kids into the equation. (I can’t speak about Anonymous’s situation specifically, because she didn’t give those timing details. )
Anyway, back to the mom’s pov…As a mother, I would have a serious problem with my ex’s girlfriend–of who knows how long, esp. someone I haven’t met–essentially parenting my kid because my ex won’t. I’m not defending mom’s racism, but I am defending her right as a mother.
Once again, all roads point back to Dad. He’s responsible for making sure that his son does not disrespect Anonymous, but he’s also responsible to uphold his ex’s right to know who is interacting with their child and in what ways. Again, the question remains: does he have the fortitude to manage these responsibilities?
If the mom in this situation refuses to participate in conversations about her child’s adjustment to Anonymous and his ugly comments, that’s one thing. But an attempt should be made to involve her. The child will be helped immensely if all the adults can be on the same page.
~Deesha
I have very little to add to all the excellent advice that has been given above.
I just read “The first ‘R’,” a book about the research of a sociologist on a group of preschoolers focused on their racial awareness/use of racial language/exclusion of one another based on race. One thing from that book seems at least a bit relevant here…
In this study (which took place at a school), when a child used a racial slur, the teachers almost always assumed that the child learned the slur at home. In conferences with parents, however, the parents were always horrified to learn of the slur and would suggest that some other adult must be responsible. The researchers concluded that–at least in this particular group of children–racial slurs and the ability to use race to exclude/hurt/etc were being learned through observing ALL of what was going on around them–on tv, at the grocery store, at home, at school, in books, at the library, etc, etc. –and that it was very possible that NONE of the important adults in their lives were using this language.
Of course, this research may be flawed, but it suggests to me that we should all have some reasonable doubt about the role of the mother and the mother’s family in anonymous’s situation.
Best of luck, anonymous. I’m so sorry that you’re in this painful situation.
I have an award for you! Come get it on my blog. http://momaandbaby.blogspot.com/2009/10/my-first-blog-award.html
Am I reading this right that she feels the KID is letting her down? He’s 5. The boyfriend is definitely letting her down. Rude is rude, whether it’s “you’re not my mom and you can’t make me” or offensive ethnic stereotypes popping out of his mouth. If dad can’t take the lead on this, or figure out that he needs to get some advice on how to deal with this behavior, then frankly he’s not really long-term material. Personally, if a child is rude to me and a parent doesn’t address it, I’ll do it myself in a polite fashion. I don’t let adults speak to me that way, I’ll be darned if a 5 year old will.
My advice? Get a new boyfriend.
I’d actually suspect that the kid and probably his mother have a problem with his dad’s new girlfriend and the kid is specifically using an insult he knows will hurt the girlfriend. If this were one of my friends, I’d seriously advise her to reconsider dating the guy, especially if it’s a new relationship. The kid is probably not going to change his mind and will do everything he can to sabotage the relationship.
One cannot necessarily blame the boyfriend for this. He may need to provide better guidance to his child, but more than likely the child spends more time with his mother’s family hence would give the child more influence on this behavior. In a divorce, if both parents are not working together to correct behavior it WILL be challenging. Also – “Kids say the darndest things” At that age, children repeat things and will name call to attempt to get a reaction. It looks like he got the reaction he was looking for the first time he made a comment.
Have to say this struck a really powerful cord in me. My now ex, who was white (I am black) lived on (very white and homogeneous) Cape Cod with his daughter who was four at the time. One day she came home and we were having dinner and she announced that she thought brown skin was “ugly” and not “very pretty”. This really took me for a loop since I had basically co-raised her since she was two. While my partner basically said, “it’s just something she picked up in school” and told her it wasn’t something she should say, I went further — I brought home books with different people of color to show her and when she continued to say it I would continue to tell her,”but I have brown skin, and your cousins do too — and you love us, right?”
The point I’m getting at is that my partner’s reaction — or lack thereof — really showed me that we were on different planes about dealing with race. What was most concerning is that we were talking about having children together — biracial children, and it concerned me that he didn’t think his daughter’s thoughts were a big deal.
At the heart of our breakup years later was the fact he wanted to continue to live in this homogenous env’t and I could not envision this for my children — his AND ours.
I guess I can only say that I relate and that I hope you and your partner can be on the same page when raising his and your children and dealing with race — it’s extremely important and like my ex’s daughter’s comment, should never be overlooked.
I agree with mwebb- get a new boyfriend. But if you don’t, please use birth control! If your SO can’t deal with the race issues with this child what makes you think he will deal with them if the 2 of you have a child together?
Have a conversation with the dad, get him to see how this affects you. As between the two of you, this situation is his responsibility to handle, not yours to suffer. Involving the other caretakers in the kid’s life is probably most effective, and it’s time for dad to step up and take the lead.
The issue here is not the part about race, but about disrespect. He should not allow his child to show disrespect without facing serious consequences. The papa should at least be taking away privileges or toys, in response to this, in order to curtail this behavior.
I agree with Andrea that it seems like he is repeating comments made by his Chinese mother and grandparents in order to push your buttons. He must respect you. You must tell him that negative comments about you, of any sort, are unacceptable and then his papa must enforce consequences. It is important that the papa nips this in the bud to ensure that his son doesn’t turn into a brat and show disrespect to you and others in authority (teachers, etc) down the road.
Your boyfriend has failed you by not correcting his son for his open disrespect. It is not your issue to address, especially if you are not married. If I were you, I would avoid any and all interaction with his child, letting him spend time alone with his father. Once his father has established a good enough relationship with him, and is able to control his behavior, then maybe he could try incorporating you.
Until your relationship is so serious that it is necessary for you to be a part of his child’s life, it seems a whole lot easier for you to just steer clear of him. Why put yourself through so much stress if the relationship isn’t really serious? And if the relationship is serious, then your SO really needs to step up and make some changes in the way his son behaves towards you.
Like others have suggested, it could easily be the boy’s way of making you feel as hurt as he feels threatened by your presence. Your skin colour may just be a red herring in this instance. It’s still completely unacceptable the way your boyfriend ‘handled’ the situations. I don’t know that ‘get a new boyfriend’ is the best route.
Andrea wrote: If this were one of my friends, I’d seriously advise her to reconsider dating the guy, especially if it’s a new relationship. The kid is probably not going to change his mind and will do everything he can to sabotage the relationship.
This, to me, puts the power in the kid’s court. It says, “This kid gets to dictate whomever his dad dates by virtue of his approval or disapproval.” I don’t find this to be productive, with regard to helping the boy understand that what he says and thinks is inappropriate.
The boyfriend needs to do a bit of soul-searching. He needs to learn more about how racism affects people, learn more about white privilege, learn more about raising a biracial kid, and most of all, he needs to learn how to parent his child. If his child is acting out against the girlfriend, then the cause of this behaviour needs to be sought out. Is it because he *really* thinks that darker skinned individuals are worth less? Or is he upset that his dad’s attention is now divided between him and this new woman in his life? If he’s feeling insecure and acting out as a result, then punishing him for acting out won’t make him feel better and more secure about his relationship with his father; it’ll make the situation worse. Behaviour is a symptom. Treat the cause not the symptom and the symptom will disappear of its own accord.
If the boyfriend doesn’t care enough about you to resolve the issue, DTMFA (see Savage Love for an explanation of the acronym).
I have to wonder about the father here. It seems that he wants to believe he is being open-minded by dating women of color but he may not be taking full stock of his own bias. He is too quick to blame his ex and her culture for his son’s belief systems. He shares responsibility for the raising of this child, too, does he not?
Anonymous, I agree with everything said by the editor who responded to you. The wrinkle that I would add is that, if/when this child acts up again, you might try responding to him in terms of how he is HURTING YOUR FEELINGS. To accuse him or saying bad or thoughtless things puts him in an untenable situation (since he will want to defend not only himself but his loved ones who model or excuse racist remarks). But telling him, “What you just said hurts my feelings. I would never hurt your feelings, and it is not OK for you to say things that hurt mine, so please don’t say that again” appeals to him as a person who’s in relationship with you. I hope you find this helpful.
I’m Black and I am a firm believer in “chldren should be seen and not heard” especially with this kind of garbage.
I don’t think that the boys mother and parents are totally the ones with this thinking. SO may have issues himself that he may have never faced before. Whatever the source it needs to be corrected or Anonymous needs to move on. It’s better to hurt now and get over it than think it can be worked out when it’s not being addressed now and glanced over by SO who doesn’t even have a clue about what to do and leaves you hurt and frustrated.
I have one question for you dear Anonymous, my sister, It boils down to this: How much do you love yourself? How can you allow yourself to abide in a context where a clear, courageous DIVESTMENT from racism has been declared? How can someone love you if they are not prepared to be vigilantly opposed to ANYTHING that damages your SPIRIT? Again, I ask you, do you love yourself? When you take that question to heart, you will know what to do. My love and blessings to you.
edit that second question:
How can you allow yourself to abide in a context where a clear, courageous DIVESTMENT from racism has NOT been declared?
I blame the boyfriend ,maybe the boyfriend was taught that himself
dump the boyfriend now. ask yourself the hard questions later. forget about your bf’s kid, he’s not your responsibility.
It’s clear that the SO needs to be educated about his own white privilege and Internalized Superiority. He also needs to teach his son that he is actually a person of color and what that means for him as he moves through this world. The ex and her parents would probably benefit from learning about their Internalized Inferiority and how that affects the way they feel about other people of color. Ultimately if this education doesn’t happen for them chances are this relationship will be very unhealthy and damaging to Anonymous.
My heart hurt when I read this, possibly because I could relate too much. My husband’s little sister is 7 years old and she has since taken to making rude comments about my hair (I have a big curly afro).
When I mentioned this to her parents, they said that I was obsessed with my hair. (Thankfully, my husband backed me up.) But every day we visited my in-laws, my husband’s sister would literally make a comment about it and I started pointing it out she did this in front of her parents.
Yes, there is a racial component here: I’m Hispanic, the little girl is a blond Jewish white girl. But also, like several people have mentioned, there is a major problem here about a child being rude and thinking that she can say whatever hurtful thing comes to her mind to an adult.
Apparently, bullies come in pint-size.
Hi Anonymous,
I must admit my sense of outrage in reading your boyfriend’s “non-proactive ” response to the situation of his son making racist comments to you, and what appears to be, in an ongoing manner! I strongly suspect that this issue will continue, as long your boyfriend remains in denial that “race DOES matter!”
An earlier respondent to your blog article suggested that you take care of yourself. I concur as well. Anonymous, you might give consideration to counseling with someone who understands ethnic and cultural awareness and sensitivity, and how, in interracial ,intercultural, and interfaith relationships, if the two partners involved are not aware of the negative comments, reactions, and behaviors that they might encounter, and take personal responsibility for their own biases, then that love relationship will not fare well.
In my humble opinion, you have bent-over-backward to accomodate and treat with respect your partner’s unruly and disrespectful child. Lest your partner forget that he has a biracial child, he would be best served, loving you for real, and confronting his own racial and cultural fears and demons! I find it terribly ironic, that your boyfriend now has been involved with two women of color, and appears to be ” in la-la land” as to what is hurting his girlfriend. Anonymous, he can DO MORE!
The editor’s advice is excellent- 10/10. It’s a shame when children are used as weapons to hurt others. Like the editor said, he might find himself the minority at some point, and then he’ll understand how hurtful it feels being discriminated against.
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seriously, tell white boy to step it up. i wasn’t quite clear but inferred everyone involved lives in china? the past five years living here has shown me more white dudes taking full advantage of the privileges that come with the color of their skin while remaining completely ignorant of race issues at large than i care to have seen. and while the mother and grandmother might very well reinforce such notions in the boy’s head, if nobody tells him such ideas are wrong, rude, unacceptable, etc., he’ll never know.
All of you made valid points.
This reminds me of a (former) black Jamaican friend of mine who had a child with a white British girl.
This girl was lower-class and not shy about making racist comments. She was actively raising her biracial daughter to feel superior to other little girls of color, including Asian.
V., the little girl, had her mother’s blond hair and blue eyes. The woman would tell her that she was “prettier” than girls with dark hair and brown eyes. It made me sick.
I ended my friendship with this guy when he allowed his girlfriend, the mother of his child, to attack me with racial slurs.
On the same note, my ex-boyfriend allowed his mother to constantly make racist comments about my skin color. I finally decided that I’d had it when he allowed a Latina friend of his to say that I had “n*gger hair” right to my face…he didn’t even defend me. She stood there smirking when she said it. That relationship was toxic, but the racism I experienced while I was with him made me realize that I needed to walk away. My eyes were open.
@Anonymous… how you deal with this situation is up to you. It is possible that the ex is jealous of you and she is attempting to poison the little boy’s mind with evil thoughts.
BTW…Aliza, I’ve had children make ugly comments about my hair too.
When I was about 21, I was on an airplane beside this mother and daughter. The daughter was about 13…old enough to know better.
She made some very ignorant, offensive comments but I let it slide because she was a kid.
She said: “People YOUR color usually aren’t very nice. Why are you so nice?”
Another lovely statement uttered by this precocious girl: “Ewww…you really need to do something with your hair”.
I have long, thick, kinky hair that is relaxed. I’m biracial with very light skin. This was a black child saying this nonsense.