written by Love Isn’t Enough editor Tami Winfrey Harris; originally published at What Tami Said
[As we were working on a new moderation policy, several readers suggested that we crosspost the essays on allies that first appeared on What Tami Said and then Racialicious. We will explore allied relationships this week on Love Isn't Enough, through my two posts and an excellent contribution from Julia. Please understand that this discussion is not just applicable to white adults and children. We are ALL, hopefully, allies to marginalized people. In the following post about allies, I am confining my discussion to anti-racism and feminism because those are the movements with which I am most familiar. I hope, though, that these ideas have broader application. In comments, we would love to hear how you teach your children to be good allies. How do we ensure young children grow up to be anti-racist...anti-sexist...anti-injustice...and supportive of members of marginalized groups outside of their own?]
Allies are important to any equality movement. It does not help people of color if we are the only ones who understand racism and how it still exists in society. It does not help women if we are the only ones that believe we deserve equal treatment. This is especially true considering the ways that women and people of color have been kept from places of power. The battles are ours to fight, and we can win them, but we need allies.
What does it mean to be allied? The dictionary definition is to be joined in a group to advance common interests or causes. And what does this joining require? I think mutual respect, shared activism and adherence to mutual goals and objectives. Alliances are by nature two-sided affairs. Both sides bear the responsibility of maintaining the relationship. And this isn’t easy. I have witnessed too many battles between members of marginalized groups and their professed allies to think otherwise. The disagreements are often raw, emotional and ultimately unsatisfying. Sometimes, I think we expect too much of our allies. Sometimes the privileged are too confident in their roles as allies and too slow to examine their own biases. As enlightened about race or gender a person may be, we are all products of a racist and sexist society. To expect any person, no matter how good-intentioned, to never reveal a racial or gender bias is to invite disappointment. If members of marginalized groups want to work with allies, we have to know that they will fail us sometimes. Our allies have to know that they will fail.
And what do we do when this happens–when allies fail? How can we address mistakes, while preserving relationships and maintaining the power that comes through alliances with people outside of our group? How do I think an ally should respond when their bias or privilege is called out? How do I think marginalized groups should handle the mistakes allies make?
This is the first of two posts on maintaining alliances in the face of failure. Today, I will tackle the responsibilities of anti-racist and feminist allies. What should an ally do when he or she has made an unwitting show of prejudice or privilege?
Listen. Good relationship habits 101–listen to the person(s) that you have harmed. It may be helpful to repeat what you understand the grievance to be in order to demonstrate that you are making an effort to understand. Before you speak, think about what is being said. Try to put aside your ego (hard as that is) and examine the “offense.” Can you see your privilege peeking through? Have you uncovered a hidden bias? Even if your actions were unintentional, can you see how they could be misconstrued?
Don’t defend. Everyone wants to believe they have their prejudices in check. And when you are generally diligent about examining your biases and privilege, and you have good intentions, hearing that you have failed can feel like a slap. It is easy to become defensive, rattling explanations and defenses rather than truly listening to the person who is offended. And you may feel angry: “After all the ways I’ve proven myself, how could anyone think I am (racist, sexist, etc.).” Resist the urge to defend yourself at first. This doesn’t mean you need be endlessly berated or that the person who you have offended is right. It simply means that you can’t listen and hear where another person is coming from if you are talking.
Allow us our anger. It isn’t easy being a member of a marginalized group. For instance, I have written before about the dull aches of racism. I have also written about how members of marginalized groups are expected to hold their tongues in the face of mistreatment–to be the “bigger persons.” What may seem like a very small deal to you, to us may be yet another wearying and soul-destroying slight. Any human being has a right to be angry about injustice. Again, this does not mean that we have the right to dehumanize or insult you. It is not an ally’s job to be endlessly flogged and called to account for the sins of all society. But marginalized people do have a right to be pissed off and to show it.
Apologize. If you understand and agree that you have committed an offense, apologize. No “I’m sorry, but…” No need to explain the whys and wherefores or attempt to minimize. Just say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong and I should have known better.” Period. Own your mistake. Now, I am not suggesting that you apologize for something you didn’t do or don’t think you’ve done. If, after truly listening, you believe you have been misunderstood…well, that situation is more difficult. That I am a black woman does not automatically mean that I am always right in identifying a white person’s race bias or a man’s gender bias. There is a way to acknowledge what another person is feeling, even if you ultimately don’t apologize. But know that if you’re a guy on a womanist Web site, for example, and multiple women tell you that you are being a sexist asshole, you probably need to check yourself.
(If Possible) Correct. If what you have done can be undone, do it immediately.
Educate yourself. The best way to come to understand how, say, “racism” works, to identify your own biases and to learn the language of the movement, is to get smart about racial prejudice and privilege, as well as other cultures. Don’t rely on people of color to do your work for you. As allies, we will naturally share some information with you, teach a little. But teaching is not our responsibility. Read the books by important thinkers on race. Note new study results. Pay attention to pop culture, media and art beyond the mainstream. Seek a diverse group of friends. Lurk on popular anti-racist blogs. Get involved offline. And again, listen…listen…listen. This is the best way to avoid missteps and to recover when you fail. Your education is your responsibility.
[Editor's note: There is nothing that annoys me more...and you can find this often on feminist blogs when the issue of race comes up...than when someone begins a comment by saying, "We'll, I'm just a clueless white woman, but..." To this, I say..."No." First, the constituencies of most of the popular feminist blogs prove themselves to be far from clueless on other topics. They talk of being PhDs and scientists and teachers and journalists. These are smart women. What this statement really means is, "I have the privilege of not having to educate myself on this issue, so I'm going to make a cutesy disclaimer before I speak in case I say something wildly offensive." That's a cop out. It's an attempt to get around owning your mistakes. And it demeans me and you. If you think you really are "clueless," do something about it.]
Reaffirm your commitment. Proof that you are a true ally to a cause–whatever the cause is–is that you slog through and keep going, even through rough patches and arguments. Your continued presence post-mistake, whether on a feminist blog or in a local grassroots anti-racist organization, is a demonstration of your commitment.
Great article Tami thank you. A few thoughts that I hope can be constructive:
I fear their can be dire failure in applying the criteria for being an ally if the rules are laid as rigidly as you suggest. It was an all consuming need to appear AS an ally to Nidal Malik Hasan that led to his radical beliefs being ignored and to some extent indulged out of political correctness, that saw 43 people including an expectant mother, pay with their lives at Fort Hood. These were the words and opinions of a close relative who is a high ranking officer in the US armed forces, not a blogger or Talk radio conduit and I find myself agreeing out of empiricism and logic. I want the wars against Muslim countries to end but I also do not want to see innocent men and women, our armed forces included, murdered.
Secondly, in reference to a similar point I raised on the Sosa thread, why, if you are Caucasian and grow up Jewish, Southern European, or with dark and/or Mediterranean features and are taunted, bullied and called, N word etc for not fitting in with white supremacist beauty standards are you still expected to check “white privilege at the door” of anti-racist debate.
When many whites play a rabid colour/hair texture hierarchy within their communities and cultures, I’m just not seeing where the privilege is-especially from a child’s perspective.
I understand why we have guidelines but I am concerned because as movements tend to lay down rigidity it drives people away. For instance feminism casts out many voices who have been brave enough to mention childcare providers (95% of whom are female, many POC) being paid low wages by women and men so women and men can leave their children and go back to work. In many feminist circles, the question of a woman working and putting her children in childcare is above ALL reproach. I would not want to see controversial issues in anti-racist parenting meet a similar fate.
Editor’s response:
Amanda, you wrote: “It was an all consuming need to appear AS an ally to Nidal Malik Hasan that led to his radical beliefs being ignored and to some extent indulged out of political correctness, that saw 43 people including an expectant mother, pay with their lives at Fort Hood.”
I think that it is inflamatory and WRONG to blame the tragedy at Fort Hood on people attempting to be allies to Muslim Americans. A lot of factors breed violence and terrorism, I dare say that treating people fairly, respectfully and empathetically are not among them. Indeed, perhaps if someone had listened more carefully to Hasan (and the many other American soldiers who have recently broken under emotional strain and committed violence against others) tragedy may have been averted. Communicating respectfully does NOT equal checking reason at the door or ignoring troubling signs or not calling wrong for what it is.
And I am hereby banning the words “political correctness” from this forum. Why? Read Restructure! on Racialicious.
You also wrote: “…if you are Caucasian and grow up Jewish, Southern European, or with dark and/or Mediterranean features and are taunted, bullied and called, N word etc for not fitting in with white supremacist beauty standards are you still expected to check “white privilege at the door” of anti-racist debate.
When many whites play a rabid colour/hair texture hierarchy within their communities and cultures, I’m just not seeing where the privilege is-especially from a child’s perspective.”
Having brown hair or olive skin does not relieve you of white privilege. But just because you are the recipient of racial privilege does not mean that you are not under-privileged in some other area. There are class privileges, religious privileges, gender privileges, sexual privileges, etc. Power ebbs and flows. See Sudy’s powerful post on A Woman’s Ecdysis.
Being an ally means to accept what you can’t possibly know. Privilege always thinks it knows best. For a non-race-related example: I am a black woman. I am under-privileged in terms of race and gender in a society the privileges maleness and whiteness. That said, I was raised middle-class by educated parents. I am educated and my family lives well. I have class privilege. And in any discussion of, say, poverty, I need to check that privilege and listen to the people I claim to support.
Thank you, Tami. Your post is exactly why I come here.
Tami, thank you. Great synopsis of etiquette on race (et al) dialogs for white people. I might add respect and valuing the person and their experience, whatever it may be. And great response to Amanda – as white people we have unearned privileges in many areas of life. I belong to the group that has the most: white males.
I think one of the best ways to exploit my privilege is to raise the issue with my white brothers and sisters, to affect their hearts, not just their minds. I am also thinking of writing a book on race. I have read a number of them, many written by sociologists, but found them missing the mark: the human heart.
Just saw your blog and wanted to drop a note and saw thank you for your efforts, energies, and feelings. You will always have ally in me. I have a Black daughter and am going to remarry soon, and have been blessed with many wonderful experiences in my life around race. It is past time for us white folks to educate each other on the oneness of humanity and to overcome this stain on the fabric of our beloved nation.
**Being an ally means to accept what you can’t possibly know. Privilege always thinks it knows best.**
Yes!
And I would add that being an ally can also mean being uncomfortable or being in the minority.
In the aftermath of the “Obama= Tiger=bad black role model” post on Huffington Post, I wondered aloud on Twitter why white folks associated with the author of that post didn’t check her. I got a private message from a friend, who is white, who is an acquaintance of the author. She just laid it out there, saying that she was mortified by the post, and asked what I thought was warranted. I told her I felt she should do whatever she felt led to do, but that my participation here at LIE had shown me how important the work of anti-racist allies are, and how she had an opportunity to be a voice outside the echo chamber in which that author presumably lived.
Well, she sent an email to the author that totally moved me. It wasn’t grand-standing or oneupmanship on the author. My friend acknowledged how awkward it was to be jumping in and perhaps, “piling on”, but she called it like she saw it. It was caring but also very honest. I don’t know what the author’s response was, if any, but I came away from that exchange with renewed hope.
Allies don’t make excuses.
Hi Tami,
Thanks for your response I appreciate it very much but I feel just tad attacked unnecessarily.
” I think that it is inflamatory and WRONG to blame the tragedy at Fort Hood on people attempting to be allies to Muslim Americans”
That is not at all what I implied. How am I going to learn if I’m explaining to you perceptions to the best of my ability and you attack me? please realize that is not what I meant.
We all know that Hasan is an extremist mass murderer who targeted American service men and woman in the name of his religion. Many were scared to confront him prior to the killings because he is a Muslim and they did want to try and understand him and reach out to him. They were also worried about being perceived as racist. That’s the opinion of a close relative who is high ranking official in the US armed forces, not a snarky guess. People failed and 43 people are dead and it could have been averted. Blaming the US government for those tragic deaths and not those who were sincerely trying to help this man but who obviously put being an ally before personal safety is like blaming Sgt.Calley for the Mai Lai massacre and instead just blaming the War. My point is that when dealing with race, many people, especially white people or those unfamiliar with the unfamiliar do check reason at the door out of a huge under lying hesitancy and fear that they won’t be seen as an ally.
“Having brown hair or olive skin does not relieve you of white privilege. ”
It does though at least in some very important respects and its those gradations in my concerns as well other shades of gray that I don’t feel are being looked at here. Have you lived my life? No and I have not lived your’s which is the beautiful part of this debate. I think looking at some NEW perspectives that politely challenge and/or compliment the CNN/Oprah ready “let’s explore this” comfort zone (which I also appreciate) would go a long way.
“Having brown hair or olive skin does not relieve you of white privilege. ”
It does to many POC! In my experience they see it as an opening to verbally attack and/or be rude, usually before they’ve even said “hello” about possible non-white ancestry. This is not an isolated phenomena.
Editor’s note: Amanda, I think it is simplistic and incorrect to blame what happened at Fort Hood on military personnel ignoring warning signs re: Hasan because they were afraid of being branded racist. There are too many parallels between Hasan’s mental state and that of other (non-Muslim) military psychologists, who have broken under stress.
And I know that you know having someone question your ancestry, while rude and undeniably ignorant, is not the same thing as the ingrained, long-term, institutional racism and bias.
Neither of these things are here nor there, though. The topic is how those of us who are allies to marginalized peoples can recover from failures. Please steer the conversation back to that topic.
Tami, I realize that white people created racism, I do truly, I’m just wondering how does one understand the below person’s truth? Please do not get upset and think that I am somehow negating the racism that POC face by bringing this up.
Conversation example:
(setting is a store in a mall, dark white is minding their buisness)
POC: Excuse me?
Darkwhite: Yes..
POC: What are you?
DW: Looks puzzled
POC: Are you mixed with Black?
DW: No. I’m…
POC: Are you sure? Because you’re real heavy and full in here (gestures to cheeks) and you favour relatives I have..
DW: No, I’m not.
POC: Gives DW white a very sceptical look and shakes their head.
POC: Well to me you look black. (POC walks away in a huff)
That is one of the more benign example sof what I mean. I feel this type of racism needs to be addressed in the race debate or things won’t move forward. This is not just someone being rude. Please give me some pointers. Tha
Amanda,
What I read in your comment above is an example of someone making assumptions about a person’s race based on their appearance–not racism, but an example of pervasive racial ignorance in our society. We actually have and will continue to talk about this topic. Jennifer, one of our contributors has written about people mistaking her Chinese ancestry for a host of other things. Some of our biracial contributors of spoken of being constantly asked “What are you, anyway?’
Our society has a need to peg people racially–a need that was actually born of white supremacy. You might be interested in reading this LA Times article, “The Dark Side of White,” which was published today: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/commentary/la-oe-rodriguez28-2009dec28,0,7083835.column
Hi SuperAmanda,
You said, “I feel this type of racism needs to be addressed in the race debate or things won’t move forward. ” Here’s the thing — to give just one example of institutional prejudice (see: http://www.lipmagazine.org/~timwise/Obama.html) “whites are over seventy percent of drug users, but only about ten percent of persons incarcerated for a drug possession offense, while blacks and Latinos combined are about twenty-five percent of users, but comprise roughly ninety percent of persons locked up for a possession offense.” With problems like this, why should white people being asked what race they are be the plank that moves the discussion forward? A white person, even a dark one, still benefits in cases like the one I mentioned. Racism is not people teasing you about your features. Racism is most pernicious when it systematically privileges some people in the realms of education, healthcare, environmental justice, finance, employment, and countless other realms due to the disenfranchisment of others. And white people regardless of their hair color or skin tone benefit in those cases. You seem like a very reflective and intelligent woman, but you’re deploying your privilege right now by trying to divert the conversation from such serious instances of racism faced by non-whites onto petty annoyances faced by whites.
On the above note:
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/12/30/gingrich-time-to-know-to-profile-and-to-discriminate/
Yikes!!
Super Amanda-
I think in the conversation above the POC was probably giving the DW a compliment! That is how I would take it. Kind of like if someone says to me “are you sure you’re just white? you sure can cook.” I just laugh and take it as the compliment I know it is.
Whenever I have had a person of color say (even jokingly) that I’m not “really white,” I’ve felt like it was friendly.
In the U.S. we have a long history of racial mixing, combined with a long history of lying about it, and alot of people who are white have ancestors who were not (and, of course, vice versa) so it is often hard to KNOW that you are “only” white.
What is off-putting to me about the conversation above is the DW’s defensiveness. It comes across as almost a need to affirm her/ his whiteness.
As for pointers on how to deal with a situation like that:
1. Smile, and use a friendly tone of voice.
2. If someone mentions specific features of yours that they think make you look black, you can just say that you were blessed with nice full cheeks.
3. You could say something like (in a friendly tone) “well, I’m pretty sure I’m white because anytime I get pulled over, cops are usually pretty nice to me.”
4. If you’re comfortable with it, share your actual ethnic background.
5. “You know… now that I think of it, you kind of look like some of my relatives too.. Where is your family from? Wouldn’t that be crazy if we are long lost distant cousins, and just happened to meet at the mall one day?”
6. And a classic for interacting with people you don’t know: “Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met before, I’m Amanda.”
7. Smile.
Smiling and genuine friendliness is an important part of each of these suggestions.
@Jonathan:
Something about this . . .
“I am also thinking of writing a book on race. I have read a number of them, many written by sociologists, but found them missing the mark: the human heart.”
. . . is deeply unsettling.
I find that when some people talk about feeling “attacked” it is an attempt to derail the conversation. Furthermore, why is the Fort Hood murder being brought into this? That was a tragic situation but it has little to do with the subject at hand.
As a biracial woman, I’ve had other POC make offensive comments to my face. I’ve had white people make offensive comments to my face as well. I’ve been asked “what are you?” and “are you mixed?” I look pretty white, with very fair skin, but I still receive strange looks and intrusive questions about my background.
I’ve been called the “N-word”. I’ve been shunned, excluded, and rejected by all kinds of people.
With that said, I can relate to Amanda’s feelings. I’m not being dismissive of your experiences, Amanda, but I will point out that POC are not being racist by believing that your features are somewhat similar to theirs. As Katie said, people have been mixing for a very long time.
The behavior is rude and inappropriate, but it isn’t what I would call racist. I agree with Katie…your reaction to it does make a difference.
It IS annoying when people confront you with that nonsense over and over. But it is important to handle the situation with class. Being told that you look like a black woman is simply that individual’s perception. It is not an insult. Sometimes it’s simply an inaccurate perception.