Open thread

7 Responses to Open thread

1. Ashley says:

   January 7, 2010 at 10:52 am

   I’ve got a lot of fear/frustration about where we’ll be moving in the next year and where my kids will eventually end up in high school. We live in a very diverse yet segregated major metro area and my husband (Black) would like them to attend his alma mater – a mostly-white, middle-to-upper-class high school in a community with the same demographics. He coaches there, will hopefully be teaching there soon. The school has outstanding academics and extra-curricular opportunities. I (White) would prefer that we all end up in a more mixed community (though not where we currently live) even if the class status is lower. I worry that my kids won’t be able to take full advantage of the great opportunities of the White school, because they won’t fully fit in. Until now, they’ve attended very mixed elementary schools – we seem to have found the few pockets of this metro area where truly, all kinds of people live and work.

   On the other hand, my kids are smart, talented, make friends easily and seem very capable of shifting back and forth between the different communities we spend time in (hello code switching!). Additionally, they are bi-racial, but very fair-skinned. My oldest and youngest look white except for the texture of their hair. My point in saying that is that though it’s not good or fair, they may have an easier time fitting in at a mostly-white school than kids who are darker skinned. Then again, especially for my daughter, even if she fits in and had a great time, what would having White standards of beauty reinforced on a daily basis do to her? I already see its effect on her and she has mostly Black, Latino and Asian friends.

   I think I’m also fearful of moving to this community as I continue to find myself uncomfortable (often angry!) in all-White surroundings. I work downtown in a great, diverse setting, with awesome people. But can I spend the next 10-20 years living in a suburban community that has closed its doors to those with dark skin and small paychecks?
2. bianca says:

   January 7, 2010 at 1:28 pm

   @Ashley
   you asked some great questions. Although I’m not a parent, my last partner had 3 kids and I have a close female friend who has 3 children too. Both my last partner and my girlfriend identify racially as Black and ethnically as African and Caribbean. They have both chosen to send their children to private schools that are predominately racially White in NY.

   My girlfriend is very much active in helping diversify the school her children are at, and the school was ecstatic when she offered to spread the word and have parents of Color contact the admissions director who could also offer support and information on scholarship for the school (both of her children are on a scholarship, there are only 3 private schools in my zip code in the Bronx and all 3 are predominately White and have a $15k yearly fee). My past partner isn’t very much into doing the same thing re: diversifying the school. But they BOTH have chosen to have their children do extra-curricular activities within their communities and with other youth of Color.

   My girlfriend has her eldest son in a dance program in the South Bronx and her two oldest take piano in Harlem. My last partner had his sons in a community league for sports that was racially diverse as well as sport leagues at their church. Now, they are younger and still in elementary/middle school, and I think the dynamics are very different in high school for youth.

   If you can, I’d look at and compare the curriculum. Have you asked your children if they have a preference? What if you set up the visits to the HS as similar to visits to college? In NYC (which is new to me b/c I’m from DC/MD) 8th graders usually “interview” for specific HS that are not their local/public school. I find this fascinating b/c it helps youth very young find and foster presentation skills.

   Good luck!
3. Parker says:

   January 8, 2010 at 9:39 pm

   I was reading an article in Color Lines about Tim Wise’s book “Between Barack and a Hard Place: Racism and White Denial in the Age of Obama”. Just curious if anyone here has read it, has opinions about it, etc. Here’s the article FYI: http://www.colorlines.com/article.php?ID=664

   Thanks!
4. Katie says:

   January 9, 2010 at 6:09 pm

   Ashley,
   How does your husband feel about this? I get that he wants the kids to go to this one school, but have you guys talked about how being in a diverse community and putting the kids in a majority-white school (if those are your kids in the weekly picture, I can see that they really are very light-skinned- and cute! of course!) But wanting to have your kids attend a diverse school is a valid and important goal, and it would be even if your kids were white.
   An alternative to the situation bianca mentioned would be to do the opposite, send your kids to a diverse school, and if you feel the academics are lacking, try to supplement that.
   But I think before making such a serious major life decision, you and your husband should sit down and have a long talk about what is important to you in a community, and in an educational setting for your kids, and try to work towards common goals about what would be best for your family.
5. eb says:

   January 11, 2010 at 12:43 pm

   Ashley,
   I find the notion that having light or so-called “fair” skin will make things easier for children of color in white schools to be troubling. The struggles may be different in some ways, some things may be more or less difficult but their phenotype doesn’t change who they are. I will share that I myself am a light skinned black woman, and the mother of a light skinned black son, and actually my perception has been the polar opposite of yours- I thought things may be even more challenging for him because in terms of physical appearance he doesn’t fit neatly into any racial category. Perhaps I’m jaded (had an especially racially charged experience at work this week), or just fearing that we’ll somehow be choosing between his psychological development and his academic development when it comes to school. But unless the goal is for them to pass, I’m not sure that being light skinned will be particularly adventageous. I would imagine it’s very difficult to determine what will be the best fit when you’re balancing the needs of three children. A persons response the being able to come out whole from being one of very few seems so individual. I wish you the best, you’re not alone in struggling with these issues!
6. Ashley says:

   January 11, 2010 at 6:09 pm

   Katie, My husband feels that because he did well at the school in the 90s, his kids will do well there in the next decade. It’s interesting because he can tell me stories about feeling alienated or being blamed for certain incidents – things he attributes to being one of a very small number of Black students in the school. Yet when I bring this up and say “So you want our kids to go through that?” He says he thinks it won’t be that bad for them. I’ve tried to have this discussion with him many times but he is very nostalgic about his school and considers it a great source of pride that his kids could go there too (it’s truly one of the best in the state). Maybe things will turn around before they get to that age. I’ll just have to keep having that discussion. And yes, those are my kids in the pic!

   eb,
   I’ve considered what you mentioned – the issue of not fitting into any group neatly. I hope you don’t think I *want* my kids to pass – I apologize if that’s the impression I made. Moreso I worry about the choice they will make because I think attending this school will prompt them to make the decision of whether to try it or not (passing). My kids are the ones featured in the cute kid pic on the same day as this post. My daughter and youngest son can easily pass (when she straightens her hair, when his hair is short). My older son is obviously “something”, and those who are familiar with Black/White families know right away that he’s bi-racial. I’ve had a similar feeling – that he will likely have the least problems because he is obviously Black, whether it’s “just Black” or bi-racial. It’s my fairest kids that worry me the most, particularly my daughter. I think I feel like if she was more obviously Black (like my older son), things would just be decided for her as to where she falls in the social spectrum at school. But because she *can* pass – if she’s at an almost all-White school, will she try to pass? Will she get over her “I want straight hair!” kick by then and wear her hair in her natural curls, which will “out” her?

   We talk about race daily – in pointed conversations and just in comments here & there. I work very hard to get them to see that they’re great the way they are and don’t need to change for anyone. I also have begun talking about societal beauty standards and what I will and won’t do to meet them (i.e. no perms! At least not until high school. We’ll reconsider then).

   I don’t know. Some days I feel I can handle this and it’s all going to be ok. And some days I think we’re going to have to do what you said – sacrifice one thing for another. And not knowing in advance which is the best to sacrifice is scary.
7. Ashley says:

   January 11, 2010 at 6:13 pm

   Bianca, I think if we do end up in this community and at this school, I will get involved to hopefully improve things. And we also have great opportunities outside of school to let the kids develop relationships with other kids of color, both through family and the activities we participate in.

   You know, I have NOT asked my kids which they would prefer. It seems so obvious but I hadn’t even thought of that. I’m going to do that!