[Editor's note: Bianca wrote this piece explicitly for those who parent and counsel youth of color, but, as usual, her words have much broader application.]
written by Love Isn’t Enough columnist Bianca Laureano
When I visited with my mentee of over 17 years, Candy, this year I met her boyfriend of one year for the first time. Over dinner she asked me if I was dating anyone. I told her not really, but that I did have a lover. I made it clear that he wasn’t my boyfriend, just someone I’ve chosen to have a sexual relationship with. It was at that moment that I realized we never really talked about what I did or chose to do in my partnerships and relationships. I strategically selected what lessons about sexuality I wanted to share with her over these years based on my personal experiences, yet didn’t share with her what those experiences were. I chose what I wanted to share, which was probably not what she needed to know.
Because she is the youngest of three daughters, her eldest sister has three children, and became pregnant for the first time in high school, Candy knows about the challenges of having children prior to planning for them. Yet, we never really talked about what it means to select a lover, when is it the “right” time to have sex, and can you be in a relationship with someone and not have intimate sexual contact with them? I assumed she was having sex with her boyfriend, but I realized that might not be a fair assumption after I shared with her my decision to have a lover. Thank goodness we worked on the self-esteem/I’m-worthy-of-more-than-your-attention-and-affection ideology these 17 years!
Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way mentoring Candy (we met when she was in first grade) and what I’ve discovered and think could have helped facilitate fruitful discussions about sex and sexuality.
- It’s going to take more than one “talk”
- Your child probably knows more than you think they do about sexuality and relationships. Youth pay attention and are astute.
- You don’t need to know or have all the answers. Saying “I don’t know let’s look that up together” is all right and often the right thing to say and do.
- Youth may have sex (oral, anal, or vaginal) at a young age, but not all of them are consistently having sex. I know many 12-16 year olds who have sex one time to “see what it was like” or “because I felt like it” and decide not to have sex again for several years. So identifying a young person who has had sex once as “sexually active” may not be 100% accurate or appropriate.
I hate to write this, I really do, but you’ll need to talk about police harassment, the criminal justice system, and the criminalization of bodies of color. This may be a conversation for a teenager (13 or so), but for many youth of color their sexuality is criminalized and they are often already seen as over-sexual even if they are not engaging in any sex. This goes double for youth who are gender non-conforming, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer, as well as for young girls who “develop quickly” and experience street harassment by older/adult men. I think this deserves an entirely separate post as this is something I’ve discovered is missing in “comprehensive” sexuality education curriculums. Then again race, class, ethnicity in general is missing from such “comprehensive” curriculums. - From a pregnancy prevention and limiting/decreasing disease transmission standpoint: masturbation is a great option for youth. I’m not going to go as far as to say that every parent of a 15 year old daughter needs to buy them a vibrator as some (white) sexologists have suggested, but I will say that encouraging your daughter, especially your daughter of color to explore her body, to understand what may bring her pleasure, what may bring her pain, to recognize that touch and affection is healthy, normal, and can bring happiness is a radical form of love. I wholeheartedly believe that we need to teach girls of color that their bodies are valuable and one of the most valuable things they can do is love their own body for all that it can and will be able to do. Masturbation, I believe, is also a good exercise in power as it is a persons’ decision to do whatever they want to do with their body. You do not need to answer personal questions about masturbation if your child asks you about it. I think comments like “Our bodies are different and what brings me pleasure may not bring you pleasure, and what may be painful for me may not be for you. So I encourage you to try something. Be patient with yourself and with your body. This is a relationship you have with yourself and it is an important and valuable relationship to create and maintain.” This is also important to say to boys and young men.
Messages About Love & Sex
- Often parents send messages to their children to wait until they are married or in love to have sex. I think this sends mixed messages to young people. Often I hear youth come to me and say that they are “in love” with their partner and choose to have unprotected sex with them. This is not because they do not know about condoms or contraceptives. This is more so because they do not get good strong messages that separate sex from love. Some youth I work with see “love” as a reason to have sex. They do not know how else to express or experience love because they have not been exposed to or provided with alternatives. Often in our society, where married couples have many privileges, the assumption is that married couples don’t use contraceptives among many young people. I think this idea comes to young people because we are socialized to tell them that asking about sex, sexuality, and relationships among people they know and love (especially adults) is wrong and disrespectful. As a result, they do not know that couples in committed relationships use contraception or condoms. This came to me after my conversation this year with Candy.
- Consider how youth may interpret having multiple sexual partners and limited experiences with love. How do you hope for your child to respond/react/envision his/her/their own experiences? Do you want your child to use terms such as “slut,” “whore,” or other terms that are not only gendered, but others that are also very racialized? How do you think your family can discuss such topics?
- Often when youth have healthy self-image and self-esteem their ability to separate love and sex seems to be “healthy.” I’ve told Candy all her life that she is loved, intelligent, missed, important, responsible and other traits I believed and hoped she would continue to develop. When she came to visit me when she graduated high school she shared that she was still a “virgin.” We never discussed what that meant but I remember her telling me that “no boy was good enough for her” to have sex with yet. Her ego is one that I know I stroked and helped form and I think there is a connection to her ability to separate her love for her life with the love for a partner.
If I could do it over here’s what I’d tell Candy:
- You have power. Your body and your femininity/masculinity/ambiguity will give you power in ways that may not make sense so be careful with how you use that power. It is yours and if you misuse it you may lose it forever. If you use it properly you may have it for the rest of your life. Part of that power is the ability to choose what you want to do with your body and when. This is also called consent. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do with your body.
- You will know you are “ready” for sex when you’re comfortable enough to share your body with someone else and understand (not just know) the consequences that may occur. Consequences are not all negative, they are also positive and may include: pregnancy, STI, pain, discomfort, confusion, fear, anxiety, but also experiencing intimacy, passion, pleasure, happiness, comfort, strength, relaxation, and exhaustion.
- I’d choose not to use the term “private parts” to describe genitals (at any age). I’ve noticed youth usually translate this phrase into thinking their genitals are so private they are not for them to understand or get to know either. That’s hard to unlearn or teach through, it’s possible, but a challenge. Instead I’d encourage you to teach your child the scientific terms for their genitals and then if you and your family choose, pick a code name. One of my mentors, a sexologist, who is married to a sex researcher, chose the term “who-ha” with their daughters and it worked well for them. I like this move because it changes the boundaries of “privacy” to ones that don’t make you or the kids feel like there’s something to hide. It’s also a “code” between you and your kids and I always think that’s a good move because if your child doesn’t feel safe or needs to get your attention right away there are words/phrases/sounds that they know they can use (my aunt has a whistle to get her boys attention and 2 decades later it STILL works!). I think it also can give children confidence to ask for what they need. For example if you are at a party at a friends house and your child needs to use the restroom and doesn’t know where it is they can find you and say “dad my who-ha needs help” and you know what it means.
Part 2 coming Monday: When is the right time to begin talking about sex? How do you talk to pre-teens? What are some useful sex education resources for parents?
Bianca I Laureano is a sexologist, consultant, educator, and activist. Her interests include representations of the sexuality of people of Color in media and popular culture, Latina feminisms, and positive youth development. She is an adjunct instructor and a freelance writer. She hosts LatinoSexuality.com and all her writings and reviews can be seen at her website BiancaLaureano.com .
Bianca,
This is terrific.
WOW!
Many things to think about and to consider.
Can’t wait till Part II!
This is just amazing. Just like sexuality is fluid, the the “talk” should be as well. There are so many aspects to sex that it could never be contained in just one moment. My mother used an interdisciplinary method of conversation, books, a visit to Planned Parenthood and anatomically correct dolls (long story). However, I wish their had been more of a conversation about ownership of my body.
Being the mama of a 5 year old brown girl who knows what a vagina and penis are (no made up words for us), I am eagerly anticipating the multiple conversations that she and I, along with daddy, will have over the years to come.
Bianca, your writing and whta you put forth ae always inspiring.
hmmmm…. while I appreciate (and practice) that sex is something to be celebrated and something that is a lifelong discussion(and should be talked about honestly and with out shame, we had the first “talk” with our daughter when she was 4), I do not believe that sex can be separated from love. Nor do I believe that it can be a solely physiological action that can be separated from emotion, or even soul and spirit.
I believe that my daughters and sons have been given a very precious gift in their individual sexuality, and the idea that they should be told to give that away as separate from love is appalling.
Sex affects all of who we are, body, soul and spirit, and I am baffled by anyone who would suggest otherwise.
If its not already obvious to you I want to emphasize the fact that while kids might not know as many facts as we think about sex they live in a sexualized environment, especially if they are mostly “developed” at a young age.
In the mid 1980s when I entered 6th grade at age 11 I had my adult height, and much of my adult woman’s body. Of course I was not an adult, but that did not stop random men from propositioning me. In the mall, at the bus stop, walking down the street adult men catcalled me, offered me ‘rides’ and tried to get my phone number. This was both threatening and exciting and in retrospect I doubt my mother had any idea what was going on.
I doubt the situation would be much different today, so for the parents out there who didn’t develop as fast as their children are–heads up!
@Judith, thanks so much! This piece is leaning a bit on the “girl” side, but part 2 has more on boys and young men. I know you have some great insight raising boys too!
@Aiesha did your mom make her own anatomically correct dolls herself or did she buy them from somewhere? Will you inherit them?
@J I’m glad you know what values and beliefs are important for you and your family. Other families have different values and beliefs and those need to be respected. I try not to project my own values and beliefs onto readers here when I write (believe me I have strong opinions about a few things), instead I hope to challenge and ask questions that may be difficult not just for ourselves, our children, but for our families and communities.
I’m not a fan of the term “should” and you will notice it was not used in my writing so I’m unclear how you interpret this piece in telling youth they “should” do anything with their body or their sexuality in general. Can you elaborate?
Many people, not all, experience love multiple times in their lives with multiple different people. Have you considered this scenario in the teaching of love and sex with your children? Or does this not fit in at all in the belief and value system your family has? You don’t have to answer these questions here, publicly, yet I think they are important to consider.
There are many forms/layers of love. Do people believe that there are many forms/layers of sex too? Think about how you may love your partner versus how you may love your children, cousins, family pet, yourself, or other people/things/animals in your life. How are explanations of love limited in our communities? Often youth ask me how they know they are in love. Are parents prepared to answer this question? How would you answer it? How will parents respond to their children who say: “you have to love me because you are my mom/dad”? See, I think love is more complicated and thus needs to be examined on its own. I’m not advocating that it always has to be separated from sex, but I think until we have a clear understanding how we want to discuss love with our children that we can then build strong messages about love and how it intersects (if at all based on our beliefs and values) to sex.
Thank you so much for this post! A lot to think about and consider.
Wondering if you can offer book/article suggestions that will be useful when discussing sex/relationships with children of color?
Great post!
One of the things I wanted to raise my own kids with regarding sexuality is the recognition and validation that not everyone is heterosexual. A lot of information that we give to our kids, especially daughters, concerns risks of pregnancy and other risks of heterosexual sexual activity.
How would you address, or do you, sex in lesbian and gay relationships? I know this might be considered alarming in some folks houses, but I think it’s important not to assume our kids are going to be straight. I’ve had these talks with my teenage daughter, but find I struggle (and so far haven’t) with my pre-teen son (although we do talk about sexuality in general).
Any suggestions? Thanks again for a great post.
I love this post. There were so many parts where, when reading, I felt like exclaiming, “Exactly! I’ve been waiting for someone to say that!”
The one part I was confused by was in the first section under “If I could do it over here’s what I’d tell Candy” where you said that if you misuse this power you may lose it forever. What do you mean?
@Melanie Yes there are resources! Tami and I thought my post was super long so we cut it in two. The post coming on Monday has online/digital resources as well as books and novels that center youth of Color at various ages. If you don’t/can’t want to wait until Monday (and I do understand if you don’t want to!) please let me know if there is a specific age group and topic and I can suggest a few things here. Thanks!
@Jae Ran This is a great observation. I tried to write this piece in a gender neutral way (although some of the examples are specific to people who identify as women/girls in this part). Part two shares a timeline/graph/outline of sexuality and sexual development from infancy to adulthood that touches on sexual orientation and when/how children and youth become aware of sexual orientation and gender identity. There are also resources that are included that discuss sexual orientation as well.
I think you bring up a great point that many parents may assume their child is heterosexual and therefore not aware of what messages they are sending that may be interpreted as heterosexist and very gendered. My sister came out as a lesbian in adulthood to myself and to my parents a few years later. My parents claim they “didn’t see it,” whereas for me I was not surprised/shocked. She came “out” as bisexual first to me, then started to only partner with women and now has been in a monogamous relationship with her partner for over 5 years. My sister and I have talked about what she experienced/thought prior to coming out to any of us (she came out to friends before us) and she took a lot of time. I think it is fair to say that this time is something that some parents need as well. My parents are still learning and were at the “as long as you are happy” tip with her sharing. My sister had time to come to the space she is in now and it may take parents the same amount of time. Yet there are still struggles. When I was home for the holidays my father shared that something my sister said to him really hurt and he thought she meant she is a lesbian because of him. This was something she said in the summer and it has stayed with him for months. He said he “didn’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff” but me and it broke my heart. I realized how isolating it is for my parents, who are older and Latino, to find people willing and able to talk with him about something that they/he never imagined having to discuss in a serious way.
I’d love to write a post specifically about dating and relationships with your queer child because I think there are times when parents don’t know when a same gender friend is really just a friend or a potential partner and how that may challenge some house “rules.” I’ll talk with Tami about it and see when we can plan something in the future!
@Rebecca Thank you for reading and for asking this question. I wondered if I would have to contextualize it as I wrote. I was thinking specifically for Candy, who developed very quickly and was/is extremely well endowed just like I was growing up. From personal experience of misusing the power I realized I had at 13 by accepting gifts and rides from older boys and sometimes men, it never occurred to me that I could be injured or murdered. I was really going to the extreme with “losing power forever” in this sense.
I was also thinking about one of the women I work with and do HIV presentations with. She has been living positive for over 20 years and has several illnesses, cannot walk, has lost her death, her “beauty” (i.e. lost weight, HIV meds changed how fat was deposited in her body, etc.) as she says. She claims that she has “lost” a lot of what I call “power” she had because the disease is killing her. I know this is a extreme example because people are today living healthy long lives and living positive, and people with disabilities are partnered (and I write this knowing many of my friends, Black women, who have disabilities are single and they would share dating as a Black woman with a disability is difficult in US ableist society). It is her story, but because diseases such as HIV affects bodies differently, for some young girls, like myself back in the 80s, I thought my beauty and body was all the power I had because I was getting so many “things” without realizing that was a misuse of power.
Does this help contextualize? I’m sure there are a number of other examples, but those were the two that I was connecting to when I wrote that.
@ Jae Ran – brilliant. As a lesbian, I find that there is a huge void in sex education (formal and informal) for gay/lesbian youth, leading to all sorts of hurts and dangers down the line. For your young son, why not just have a discussion about different sexualities – this will allow you to guage what he already knows and if he has any misconceptions. I think for boys, there is an awful lot of homophobic language tossed around day to day (don’t know too many schools where “faggot” is not used as a slur). It’s also important to note for kids (and many adults) that being gay/lesbian is an identity (the same sex sex part is only a small part of the identity) – so being gay is more than gay sex, just like straight sex itself is not a straight persons entire identity.
Kudos to you for even thinking so openly about the people your kids may become (and of course, what an incredible resource your kids and yourself will be to gay/lesbian friends who don’t have such supportive families). You made my day with your post.
This was great, and I look forward to the next part(s).
And thanks to Jae Ran and others for bringing in the queer children aspect. My daughter is “only” 16 months but for a long time now people have already assumed she is straight. People often say, “Oh she’s going to break boys’ hearts” or “When you show that picture to her future boyfriend…” – her father and I are quick to re-state it to include potential girlfriends and people get really upset to have their assumptions challenged. We -as parents and adults – start to pigeon-hole our children and other people’s childredn as straight VERY early on, from conception probably. I even find myself slipping into a heteronormative frame of mind when thinking about sex/sexuality talks with my daughter, even though I identify as queer myself!
So yeah, add me to the list of folks who would love reading about how to talk about sexuality in an inclusive way!
I really appreciate the “what I would do different” around private parts. That thinking makes great sense. And thank you for giving me the language to talk about the criminalization of young men of color, and transgendered, gay, and others. Invaluable piece as a parent and teacher.
wow, this is a really great article! It does make me a bit sad that my parents really took the “here is how the biology of sex works, that’s all you need to know” path in guiding me. It only resulted in me avoiding any connection with my own sexuality for as long as possible, and now at 18, I still avoid it! I didn’t realize I was bisexual until I got to college, because sex was always such an “out of sight, out of mind” topic in my house.
Awkward. :/