[Editor's note: Bianca wrote this piece explicitly for those who parent and counsel youth of color, but, as usual, her words have much broader application.]
written by Love Isn’t Enough columnist Bianca Laureano; Part I of this post can be found here
10 to12-year-olds have lots of questions about dating and creating relationships. I’ve discovered that crushes and desires to emulate relationships they are socialized to believe are “right” are on the minds of some youth.
- What does it mean to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
- What do boyfriends and girlfriends do?
- How do boyfriends and girlfriends have good relationships?
- How do people find or get a boyfriend or girlfriend?
- If a boyfriend or girlfriend wanted to end the relationship or date someone else how would that happen? (This may also be a good question for people who are in polyamorous adult relationships and not sure how/if to share with their children).
- How do you know when you find someone attractive?
- What are things about someone you don’t find attractive? (I’d encourage you to take this beyond physical characteristics to character traits)
When do I start to talk to my child about sex?
Honestly, when you begin to want children, trying to become pregnant or initiating adoption is when you need to start talking about sex. Understanding what your partner thinks and believes about sexuality for children and for your child is most helpful before you have children together. This does not often happen prior to pregnancy, but know that the sooner the better! Having those conversations with your partner can really help the both of you create a firm value and belief system that works for your family early, versus having to do harm reduction too late. It’s harder to initiate rules in reaction to something your child has done.There are many ways that parents prepare for pregnancy and childbirth, often those do not include how to discuss sexuality. Being born, held, experiencing affection and touch is part of socialization of an infant, it is also a necessity for all of us as we age.
Often I suggest that parents talk about sexuality to their infant or to the child growing inside them, not for their child, but for them. It is important to get into a comfortable mode and tone when discussing topics of sexuality. Like I shared above and in part one of this post, children and youth are astute. They pick up on the slightest increase in tone, body movements and know when you disapprove of something or that you were the wrong person to ask. Deep breaths work! If you practice saying terms such as “vulva,” “penis,” and other terms associated with our bodies and sexuality, they will be easier to say as your child ages because you have socialized yourself to find them normal to say aloud.
Carmen emailed me a question early last year and I want to share some of what I shared with her regarding infant and younger children’s sexuality. I’ve been searching for some type of diagram or image that helps parents understand the sexual development of infants and children and I haven’t found one that I like (which means I’ll have to make it myself right?!), but thus far I’m appreciating this overview of child sexual development by Perdue .
If you have a small child, now may be a good time to talk out/practice what you would want to say to them. For example, when you bathe your child you may practice saying the proper terms for their body to get more comfortable with them as you wash those parts. For example, “this is your vulva and we call it [insert “code” name here]. (See part one “private parts” convo).” You may also build on that and say things such as: “and this is your vulva and the parts are the clitoris, labia, urethra, vagina.” Then build on that to say “one day you may touch your vulva and like the way it feels and that is what we call sexual pleasure” or whatever you want to say. It could also be a good activity for you and your partner to do together to figure out what messages you want to send your child about their body, about feelings, good touch/bad touch, and know where you both stand on those topics if it hasn’t come up before.
Once you are comfortable with that part, I’d take it another step and talk about skin color and texture of the body. For example, I have several young people of color who come to me asking me why they don’t have “pink parts” or diagnosing themselves with an STI when they really have an ingrown hair from shaving. Practice sharing some of the things that worked for you such as: “this is your penis and the tip of your penis is called the urethra. Your penis is brown/black/[whatever color you choose] and inside your urethra it is pink and that is normal.” And “Right here above your penis is where you may one day grown hair. I remember I tried to shave/trim this area during the summer and you have to be very careful and have a steady hand. I’d like for you to come to me if/when you want to do this and I’ll give you the proper tools so you can care for your body and have it look the way you like.”
It may sound silly or intimidating, but I think there’s some safety in knowing that your child may not 100% understand what you are saying and that makes it a good time to practice for both of you, but your child may also pick up on your tone when you touch certain parts of their body that can be comforting. These send messages to your child as well. If your infant hasn’t yet, they will start touching their genitals especially during bath time or when you change their diaper (or if you’re like my hippie parents, who just let the kids run around naked). This is totally normal! Try not to be too shocked when you first notice it, because your child will pick up on those reactions. If you see your child doing this, it may be a good time to practice talking to them about pleasure. Again, more practice for you and your partner to build up comfort. An affirming or exciting tone I think is best, but I think that in general with youth.
Sometimes parents forget that it’s us who teach our kids what to do with their bodies (don’t touch, sit down, be quiet, etc.) and this can also transfer to sexuality and sexual health!
Resources
I will be the first to admit that resources for youth of color specifically, and especially directed towards boys, is limited when it comes to sexuality. Please know sexologists of color like myself are working to change that, because we know there is a need that is not being met. In the meantime, here are some suggested resources for age appropriate information:
Pre-Teen/Tween
BrainPop (You need a subscription for many features (i.e. videos, quiz, etc.), but it is well worth the cost in my opinion. Check out the free stuff.)
GayTeens (My homegirl Ellen, who I went to grad school with, runs this site. She’s a parent and answers questions honestly and directly from youth and parents. She’s the real deal).
MySistahs (Run by young women of color for young women of color. I’ve had the opportunity to meet them all and some of them participated in a training I did. Youth can ask the peer educators questions directly. They focus on teens, but they are open to also working with younger and older populations.)
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (This is under this age group because I think it’s important that young people know that their safety and consent is theirs at every age.)
Girls Health
Scenarios, USA One of my absolute favorite resources, which has films that were written and created by youth under the mentorship of various professional directors. The films are high quality, accessible and great conversation starters!
Teenagers
Gurl (Ellen from GayTeens is also the “sexpert” for this site)
Scarleteen
Teen Talk
Sex, etc. (They have a specific area devoted to boys)
It’s Your Sex Life
Youth Resource (For LGBTQ youth. See my note above for MySistahs.)
Go Ask Alice!
Center for Young Women’s Health
NotMeNotNow (Focuses on abstinence)
AmbienteJoven (Information in Spanish)
Older Youth & Adults
BlackDoctor
Black Women’s Health
The Body
Tamika & Friends, Inc (For information about HPV and for survivors of cervical cancer)
National Alliance for Hispanic Health
Adios Barbie
Black Youth Project
Books
I’ve read all of these books and I have them in my own library. I’d like to encourage parents and people with youth in their lives to consider getting books that are not just geared toward the gender of that particular young person. For example, all youth should know about menstruation, nocturnal emission, anatomy of the opposite sex and hygiene.
Preteens/Tweens
Period: A Girls Guide (For youth in grades 5-7. This book has been around for decades and I have to say that I like its accessibility. It has the “big girl” feel with just the right touch of adolescence to reach young people.
Deal with It! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain, and Life as a gURL (This book goes together with the site gURL mentioned above. I learned about this book several years ago when a young woman of color brought it with her to our health education session. She shared it with me. She said that she enjoyed reading it and had completed the text. We had good conversations about the book even though I noticed that a majority of the images resemble racially White girls.
Teens
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives (This is similar to “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” but for youth. It is extremely comprehensive and I’d even suggest getting this book for a tween who may be a little more advanced for some of the books above. This is because I’d actually encourage you to get an 18 year old the book Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Doing It Right: Making Smart, Safe, and Satisfying Choices About Sex (This is a book by another friend who I went to graduate school with. (Yes, I was one of two people of color in the sexuality program and am one of the only practicing sexologists who have yet to be offered a “book deal.” Says something about how publishers view youth of color and their ability to learn about their bodies, no?). Bronwen does a great job of outlining all of the reproductive health options, experiences, and choices youth of all genders may experience. My only suggestion about this book is that her take on the IUD for youth is a bit outdated, but that’s another post.
My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely (This is a classic that I wish youth were exposed to sooner rather than later. The first time I heard about the book was when I was in college (granted that was around the same time it was published), but in hindsight I should have bought this for my mentee.)
Love Listography (If you have youth in your life that like to write, or if you run groups of any sort, this book can be helpful in thinking things out regarding relationships, intimacy, friendship and love. It’s a workbook. You can make copies of the pages and encourage youth to complete and share as a group, or as homework. Not all of the pages are age-appropriate, but many ask good questions (i.e. describe the perfect date, best kisses, etc.).)
Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (I suggest readers buy this for themselves to read for education and understanding and then share it with youth in their lives. The text is not necessarily intended for young readers, however, that does not mean that some youth will not find this book literally and figuratively life-saving. Having this book available in your personal library can also send a message that you are educating yourself and open to discussion of the topics of gender identity, sexism, and transgender activism.
The Color of Violence: The Incite! Anthology (I’ve assigned readings from this book to my students when we discuss violence. If you are not talking about consent, power, violence, and current events with the youth in your life, you are missing a HUGE part of their sexual health, development and socialization. Consider using this text to help begin such conversations. Perspectives included range from survivors of violence who are immigrants, youth, people of color, queer, poor, parents, sex workers, and people from a spectrum of gender identities.
Novels
I’m a believer that youth can learn through various forms of media. Here are some texts that the young people I worked with in East Harlem connected to the most. I’ve added a bit about their plots and the connection to health and sexuality.
Conception by Kalisha Buckhanon (A book about pregnancy from the perspective of the spirit of a black baby who is seeking to be born. I know it sounds odd, and perhaps anti-choice, but it is neither of those. There are a lot of historical connections to black women’s bodies in the US and you follow the soul of this young black girl trying to be born in three different eras in the US to three different black women. You learn why she was never successful in being born. The book centers on a 15-year-old black girl named Shivana She is in an inter-generational relationship with an older man and becomes pregnant. I’ll warn you that the ending broke my heart because of its truth.
The Sista Hood: On The Mic by E-Fierce (This book is geared toward youth of color who are high school-aged. It uses elements of hip hop to convey a story about a 14-year-old Latina, who dreams of being an MC and creates a friendship with several girls in her school for a talent show. One of the few books where friendships among girls of color today where lesbian and heterosexual characters of color are featured. This focus alone makes this book a classic in my opinion. There is also a curriculum that has been created by E-Fierce and Black Artemis (author of Explicit Content, Picture Me Rollin’, and Burn) on using their texts in the classroom. The text is called Conscious Women Rock The Page: Using Hip-Hop Fiction To Incite Social Change)
Miracle’s Boys by Jacqueline Woodson Is a book about three brothers who live together and have lost both their parents. We learn about each brother, their challenges, and how they support, fight, and nurture one another. This book was made into a film directed by Bill Duke and Spike Lee, which is very well done. I’d encourage you to check out the multiple books by Woodson as they all center black youth.
YELL-Oh Girls! Emerging Voices Explore Culture, Identity, and Growing Up Asian American is a book I’ve taught from in the past. I find the writing in the book accessible, entertaining and honest. This book is now ten-years-old, and I have yet to come across an anthology that offers young Asian American women (and men) such a space to share their experiences. Suggested for grades 8 and up.
Please leave suggestions if you know of other texts and resources.
Bianca I Laureano is a sexologist, consultant, educator, and activist. Her interests include representations of the sexuality of people of Color in media and popular culture, Latina feminisms, and positive youth development. She is an adjunct instructor and a freelance writer. She hosts LatinoSexuality.com and all her writings and reviews can be seen at her website BiancaLaureano.com.
Thanks so much for the great list of links and resources!
Wow. Great info. To be honest, I’m not so sure I will ever feel comfortable talking that bluntly/openly with my son (even though he wouldn’t understand fully at this age). Another note, I am always afraid that he’ll repeat something out of context and raise red flags with teachers that aren’t open (if you live in a conservative place, they might question any convo about these topics and would be alarmed if your young child parroted something you said). As parents of children of color are often looked at with suspicion anyway, I am always wary of how teachers are judging me. Is that paranoid?
Also, how do you recommend you work this out if your spouse is extrememly closed about sexuality. My husband was raised in a very…prude…environment in which his parents did not touch, at all, in front of him. No hugs, kisses, affection of any kind. This, to him, is cultural, and I understand that but it has given him a really “prudy” attitude towards sexuality and towards discussing it openly. He gets this alarmed and distressed look on his face that I am SURE translates as “gross topic/must avoid” to even the most clueless observer. Its not subtle. I don’t want my son to grow up with this sort of attitude as I think it is emotionally harmful and also potentially physically dangerous, but how can we resolve that without making my husband feel (and look) totally uncomfortable?
I will chime in as the mother of a 16 month old and say – YES. My husband and I had discussion about sexuality and children long before we were even trying to get pregnant. (That’s generally how I roll – I spend a goodish amount of time thinking and talking about sexuality, mostly as the result of being queer, I think, and coming out in college and being generally kind of intellectual about these sorts of things. And I never would have married anyone who wasn’t at least as equally comfortable in these kinds of discussions. I had a long-time girlfriend who used to whisper the word “sex” or spell it and it drove me nuts. Was not unrelated to why we broke up!)
But EVEN given this, I had to practice! I remember changing the diapers on my young baby – maybe 4 months old – and almost every time she would grab her labia. And a couple of times I almost blurted out, “Don’t touch your labia!” Partly because of the urine-soaked nature but definitely also because of the taboo nature of genitals and touching them. So I started just saying, “That’s your labia/vulva/{whatever it was she was grabbing}. Mami is going to wipe it now because it’s covered in pee.” It helped to have a mantra, almost, something else to say even if my mind was going somewhere I didn’t want it to go! We always talk about her bum and vulva when we are washing in the tub. But I’m going to remember how to build on these discussions and not just stop at naming. We don’t have a code word. Will think about adding one but honestly I can’t think of what it would be. We didn’t have any words in my family- I don’t think my mother EVER called our genitals ANYthing, not even “down there” or “privates” or any of that in spanish (which is usually what got used for anything almost unmentionable).
For the record, my husband does all of this too. Important in our family that I (who share the same body parts) not be the only one who discusses sex with our daughter. Having had a nurse as a mother, he never used any words other than the “clinical” ones anyway and is comfortable. My father certainly never mentioned sex to me (course he died when I was 14 so maybe he would have some day? Doubt it though). And I’m not sure I can articulate it but that doesn’t feel right. But in general, why should men only talk about sex with their sons? Should be a whole family kind of thing.
I’ve rambled on and on. But thanks again for this, LIE and Bianca! I will also bring your thoughts to the Early Childhood Family Education class we attend. In a couple of weeks we are discussing sexuality (our class has parents of newborns – 3 year olds). It’ll also be interesting to hear what they have to say. Generally speaking, they are usually pretty “progressive” on these kinds of things, but given that the teachers are all white and there are several families of color in addition to ours, I think the children of color aspect *may* be missing….
Thank you for the great resources and conversation tips. I’ve already put several books on my wishlist.
I am going to share this link to many. I had a conversation with my five year old (adopted, African American) about his penis. I asked him if we could come up with a private name for it, in case he ever needed to get my attention about something etc. His first choice; “whale”. He is five. I did all could not to laugh. I suggested whale-whale or whale-ee. He liked whale-whale, since he calls his bear by the name bear-bear. Then he began to ask me all sorts of questions about how his brother came into my tummy (complicated as I had the help of a donor..) and other great questions. So THANK YOU already.
@Kate You are more than welcome! If you use any of these please let us know how they work out!
@Montclair Mommy You ask some really great questions. I’ve heard your concerns often and you are not alone! How would you respond to a parent who said that they don’t ever see themselves being able to talk about race with their child?
Regarding repeating what you say, that is one of the reasons why my mentor used “code words” with her children. One day at the grocery store waiting in line her 5 year-old yelled “Mommy my vulva itches!” She was very embarrassed and it was from that experience that her and her partner decided to use the code words. I agree with you there is a level of contradiction in many spaces. This idea that sexuality education should be left up to the family not the school system, yet when families incorporate sexuality education at home and use proper terminology, they are told they are “doing something wrong” or face reprimand, embarrassment, and being targeted if that correct information is overheard or shared.
I’d also go as far to say that some people and teachers might make several assumptions about what is going on at home when they hear proper terminology used by a younger student. This is extremely unfortunate because it questions the family versus their assumptions/socialization/environment. So, no I don’t think you are paranoid because it does happen. I would support parents in making the best decision for their family to remain safe and comfortable. At the same time I think having books, art, and other resources and information around sends a message as well. My parents had Our Bodies, Ourselves as well as The Joy of Sex on our shelves, The Kiss by Gustav Klimt and several other images of nude bodies that were framed in one way or another.
I’d also encourage families to think about how they respond and react to what their child is doing (as mentioned above during changing or bathing). This continues as they develop and I think it is fair to be aware of such touching and to be conscious of their reactions. I’m also in support of families using words/phrases such as “special” or “girl parts” if they support your families belief and value system. I think “special” sends a very different message from “private” for youth of any age.
If your partner is not comfortable speaking about the topic I think it’s good to know sooner rather than later so you are ahead! You may have to come to an agreement that one of you will be the main resource, or to reach out to a family member or friend and ask them to provide support when/if needed. It is often that youth go to someone who is not their parents first to find information (no matter how much we/you encourage them and are open to their thoughts and experiences), because they are still worried and scared of disappointing you. If it becomes a normalized situation in your home where your partner leaves the room if something comes up, I’d encourage him to leave quietly versus with any “huffing or puffing” (if that is what happens, or noisy exits because sometimes that can be very scary) because that can send a message too.
As long as the two of you agree on an approach and stick to it, it can work for you and your family. Your partner may become more vocal as your child ages and so I’d encourage you to talk often and “check in.” Often using popular culture to promote discussion can help get an idea of where your partner may stand or be evolving (i.e. John Mayer, “sexting,” etc.). My hope is that if you keep your partner in the discussion than the comfort may come, or a new agreement on such discussions and interactions.
@turtlebella I’m so excited to read your post! I think the code word may be something your family comes up with, or hears on a song or TV show and it sticks for you. I use code words often on social media and teaching. For example “Cletus” is what I call my adult acne and I’ve used the phrase “rap on the mic” for performing oral sex on someone with a penis when with older youth. So, don’t stress to much on it, it may come when you least expect it.
I agree with you that in an ideal situation both parents of any gender would be able to discuss with comfort in their knowledge and comfort in not knowing something. That is one of the reasons I think it is important to have books and resources not just based on the gender identity of your child but of all others.
I’d love to hear how your classmates receive the information from your Early Childhood Family Education class and if any of the resources above work for you and your family and why, but especially if they DON’T work!