written by Love Isn’t Enough guest contributor Kristin Howerton; orginally publlished at Rage Against the Minivan
I signed all three of my “big kids” up for a basketball class. I thought it would be really fun to put them in a class where they could learn together, so I searched for one that accepted kids age 3-5. The class was held at a upscale community center in one of the swankier areas of Newport Beach.
(I was also hoping to get India interested in something other than dressing up in princess costumes.)
As soon as I pulled up, I got a knot in my stomach. I just had this feeling – an intuition – that this may not be the most welcoming place for two black kids. I literally had this thought as I walked through the door, and had a moment where I tried to put my cynicism and paranoia in check.
The other kids started arriving, and everyone played for a little. India was suddenly feeling shy and clingy, so I was standing in the middle of the court, holding a baby and trying to loosen India’s grip on my pantleg, while most parents were in the bleachers. There were two young coaches, and they called for all of the kids to circle up and hold hands.
And that’s when things started to move in slow motion.
I see Jafta grab the hand of a boy nearby. We’ll call him Jimmy. Jimmy looks at Jafta, and laughs nervously, and said, “That’s a black kid!” Okay, no harm. He is a black kid. But then Kembe tries to hold Jimmy’s other hand, and he refuses, saying “Another black kid? I don’t want to hold hands with another black kid!”
I am mortified. I look at the coaches, but can’t tell if they have heard. Another kid moves into the line and grabs Jimmy’s hand. He reluctantly remains holding hands with Jafta. I don’t think Jafta caught what he was saying. Kembe looked clueless. Since he still speaks primarily Creole, I don’t think he understood. Crisis averted. Sort of?
But then . . . enter another boy. We’ll call him Timmy. Kembe is still standing there looking to hold hands with someone, and it’s the only opening in the circle. Timmy sees this, and the coaches encourage him to grab his hand. But Timmy says, verbatim, “No! I don’t like the brown. I don’t want to hold hands with the brown kid.”
I am stunned. I say, to no one in particular, “We can all hold hands with each other, no matter what color.” One of the coaches coaxed him to hold hands with Kembe. He is still protesting, but holds his hand and finally quiets down when the coach starts talking.
At this point, I’m having of those moments when you can feel the back of your neck getting hot, and your heart rate increasing. I was PISSED. But also, really hurt for my kids. I needed to do something. I took a deep breath and identified the parents of Jimmy (the first kid). Once the kids were distracted and playing, I approached Jimmy’s dad and quietly told him what happened. Jimmy’s dad got immediately defensive. He told me I was wrong – that it hadn’t happened, even though he wasn’t standing close enough to hear the incident. Jimmy’s mom approached and when she heard what I was saying, she got even more hostile. She basically took a “how dare you suggest my son is a racist” approach. I tried to calmly tell her that I didn’t think it was an indictment on her parenting or a reflection of their views. I tried to explain that kids sometimes experiment with power by being exclusive over gender, disability, and race, and that they just need encouragement to be more inclusive. She was totally angry with anything I had to say. It ended with them basically calling me a liar.
Another mom standing nearby approached me to tell me that she heard the whole incident, and that I was right. (Not sure why she couldn’t say that in the presence of these other parents to back me up, but whatever).
At this point, I thought about just scooping up my kids and leaving. It’s one thing to have your kids treated poorly, but it is entirely another when parents refuse to acknowledge or hold them accountable. But my kids seemed to be having fun – I’m not so sure they were even aware of what went on.
I thought about approaching the other boy’s mom, but I just felt defeated from the first conversation. There have been a few times where I’ve had to approach a parent about this kind of behavior towards Jafta. It always goes the same way. Parents are always incredulous that their child could behave in such a way, so they accuse me of lying or exaggerating, or throw my kid under the bus as somehow “bringing it on himself”. After a while, it doesn’t even feel worth it to engage with other parents. It never ends well. No one wants to believe that their kid could be exclusionary about race. Even though most of us watch kids of this age spend a considerable amount of time excluding each other on gender. But somehow, people assume the school-aged sorting and exclusion game magically glosses over skin tone.
After the practice was over, the kids had some free time in the gym, and Jimmy’s mom approached me again. Not in an attempt to apologize, but in an attempt to defend her kid. Because, in her words, “he needs to be protected, too”. (Not sure from what).
What she said next, in my opinion, illustrates the root of the problem. She told me that her son has always been instructed to never point out another person’s skin color – so she was having a hard time believing that he said out loud that my son was black. This was the point where I might have lost my patience a bit, and through gritted teeth I reminded her that he IS black, and that pointing out that he is black is perfectly fine with me and NOT AN INSULT. What was insulting is the fact that he didn’t want to hold the hand of another child because he is black. Probably because he has been taught at home that saying someone is black or brown is something taboo. Therefore, the message sent is that black people are inherently problematic and scary. Too scary to even talk about or name.
Needless to say, I went home feeling pretty sad, and worried about how this dynamic will play out for Jafta as he starts school next year. I won’t always be there to protect him, and teachers are not always equipped to deal with this stuff, either. I’ve certainly sat in a parent-teacher conference where a preschool teacher patted my hand and assured me that “these kids don’t notice that stuff.”
I will say this: if you read this and it makes your heart hurt a little, and if you have children of your own, think about how you can prepare them to be better citizens of the world. I truly believe that our colorblind era of denial is not serving our children well. Kids do see color – and when parents ignore it, the result is that MY KID gets to become the object lesson when parents finally recognize the narcissism and xenophobia in their own child. Children are social beings, and one of the first social lessons they learn is to sort and group. Boys hang out with boys. Girls hang out with girls. If your children shows these preferences, chances are they have racial preferences, too. This doesn’t make them little racists. It doesn’t mean they have a future in the KKK. It just means that they need some gentle guidance from you to be a little less self-centered. And really, is that last sentence what parenting is all about? Training our kids to move from a self-centered infant into a more respectful and empathic person . . . that’s the stuff of raising kids. Racial acceptance should be a part of that.
At a certain age, all kids are prone to leaving others out based on external factors. This can be gender, race, disability, etc. I think kids need help to overcome this natural tendency to seek out “sameness”. I also think they need intentionality, especially when living in non-diverse areas. The kids who were so cruel today? I bet they’ve never played with a black child before. They’ve probably never been in a situation where they were the minority – which is such a valuable experience. The parents have the privilege of thinking that none of that matters, because it doesn’t affect their child.
There is a new book called NurtureShock that puts this well:
How to Raise a Racist
Step One: Don’t talk about race. Don’t point out skin color. Be “color blind.”
Step Two: Actually, that’s it. There is no Step Two.
Congratulations! Your children are well on their way to believing that [insert your race here] is better than everybody else.
What NurtureShock discovered, through various studies, was that most white parents don’t ever talk to their kids about race. The rule is that because we want our kids to be color-blind, we don’t point out skin color. We’ll say things like “everybody’s equal” but find it hard to be more specific than that. If our kids point out somebody who looks different, we shush them and tell them it’s rude to talk about it.
It’s kind of like the sex talk. If we never talk to our kids about sex, they are gonna have to figure it out on their own. Which will probably lead to some not-so-great influences filling in their gaps of knowledge.
So talk to your kids about race. Please. Have an ongoing and frank conversation, and observe their interactions with children who are different. Assume that they will have biases, and confront them when they emerge. Before another humiliated child becomes a public object lesson.
Oh, and by the way. Those brown boys that got rejected in the circle? They had a great time.
This is one of those posts that had me nodding my head, feeling a little hurt and just generally wishing I could email it to EVERYONE I KNOW!!!
Newport Beach Ca? If so, why are you surprised?
Great article, Kristen. It makes my heart hurt, too.
I know that it is not a substitute for not talking to your kids about race, but it reminds me why we have chosen to live in diverse area. I think we will be hard pressed to convince many white parents to talk to their white children about race. I mean, be honest with yourself, would you have really delved into this issue if you hadn’t decided to adopt children of color? If you never had to face those kinds of moments with your child would you understand the gut twisting anger and sadness? I have to be honest and say I probably would not have. I wouldn’t have worried about it because it wouldn’t have been an issue on my immediate radar (or maybe even ever on my radar). Living in a diverse area doesn’t mean that the white kids with white parents will have talks about race, but it means that race will come up earlier and more often in their lives. And it also means that the kids will (in our town, at least) see that people don’t separate by race. That friendships and marriages and families are multiracial. Its not a SUBSTITUTE for talking about race…but its a powerful lesson and it might be the only one that some children will ever get. Sad, but true. And our town is so multiracial that it would be pretty hard to exclude the brown kids–since they make up nearly half of every group (formal or informal) that I see (that includes preschool up to high school). I can honestly say that I have never been a part of a informal playgroup or formal class where my son was the only child of color. And because its a purposefully racially diverse place (it has a reputation of being a haven for interracial families), most parents are very savy about racial issues. Still, its necessary to talk about race, of course. I just don’t have the confidence that white parents of white kids are listening…can someone make me believe otherwise?
Pleeeeaaase???! 
Thank you for this. We have been dealing with this issue with our three-year-old but on a far less explicit level. Ultimately we needed to change schools, a move that has resulted in helplessness and confusion and hostile questions from everyone, including family members and fellow parents and the director of our former school. When I articulate our concerns (which I’ve even rehearsed so as to edit out my own anger and frustration) I’m met with resistance and accusations of being overly sensitive. I deeply regret putting my child in the position of being the token person of color to inadvertently serve as a teaching tool for her “colorblind” peers.
Thanks for sharing this story. I read that Nurture Shock chapter a few weeks ago and was very influenced by it. I am white and have three white sons. Recently (another basketball story…), my youngest who is 9 was at basketball practice and was noticeably abstaining from throwing the ball to a Hispanic kid (the only person of color on the team). I’m not so proud of this but my son was actually waving the Hispanic kid off and then throwing to the other kid, repeatedly. Thanks for the reminder that I need to talk about skin color more to my children.
That said, often the act is one thing and the deconstruction of the act is another completely different beast. Like you said, the kids were happily playing. For that I’m sure you are grateful. You will not be able to control the environment for your children in any reasonable way. You will drive yourself crazy and alter the experience your kids are having by trying to do so. Obviously, you are a wonderful and thoughtful parent. We all cringe when our children are not recieved by society the way we wish. One of the biggest gifts you can give a child is the courage and resiliency to embrace a world that will not always embrace them.
I just don’t have the confidence that white parents of white kids are listening…can someone make me believe otherwise?
I don’t have kids yet, but I’m white (as is my fiance), and I’m listening.
This story broke my heart. We recently moved away from a diverse urban area into a much more homogeneously white suburban/rural area, and we worry about how we’re going to raise our kids to have empathy and openness to racial issues (and how to do that without turning other people into “public object lessons,” as Kristin says). I do plan to talk to our kids about race, just as I plan to talk to them about gender and sex; reading this blog is definitely helping me figure out concrete ways of approaching that, as well as highlighting the importance of doing so.
So… I guess the only worthwhile thing I can really say now is that I’m listening.
A real eye opener. At my son’s private preschool, he was the only very dark complexioned child and one day a classmate announced that he was having a birthday party but my son would not be invited because he is black. From the mouth of 4 year old. His momma was present, she just looked away. I found out about this incident from one of the teachers after this child had left the preschool. I was livid but unable to do anything about it at that point. I vowed that my adopted kids would never be the only black kids in a group if I can help it. They now go to racially mixed school and church and to a black community center for their sports classes where we (the parents) are the only white people. It is great for my kids and we are totally accepted as a family. We could afford to live in a home in suburbia but have chosen to stay in a rented apartment in a racially mixed area of our city.
To Montclair Mommy – white parents of white kids are listening. Just keep on talking, we’ve got to keep the conversation going. To Kristin – I am sorry for your sons’ experience. A sad reality. This was a really insightful and helpful article.
AAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Facepalm! One gift my parents gave me at a young age was a willingness to openly discuss the fact that different groups of people have different features (my father called them phenotypes), but that those differences were on the surface and that we all belong to the same human family. My family may have been more willing than some to discuss this due to: 1) having both been raised in the South; 2) both being big on science; and 3) both being mixed Caucasian and Native American at a time that wasn’t discussed. So yes, some “white” parents do discuss this with their “white” kids, but I suspect not many.
Rachael, I just read your story on your website and I found it really touching. Is it wrong that I sometimes would like to start a playgroup for mothers (of all colors) with children of color? Is that exclusivist of me? Maybe an anti-racist parent playgroup? I feel like there are issues that we deal with that I just can’t always openly discuss with parents that don’t need to/don’t want to talk about…you know? Am I alone in this? I find myself wanting to go up to other mothers with children that look like mine and say something along the lines of “Hey, do you want to hang out with us?”
Thanks to all the WP of WC that responded…it makes me feel better!! I know a lot of white couples with white children that seem like they may want to talk about these issues, but maybe they feel too uncomfortable to bring them up? I feel uncomfortable about it, too, to be honest. I think its so important to have that open dialogue and this is such a great site for it.
Montclair Mommy, I think White parents will listen, but my experience is that we have to start the conversation, keep bringing it up and have the conversations in safe spaces. I’m a White parent to bi-racial kids and most of my friends who are parents are White with White kids. I have a friends-only blog where I talk about race a lot. Last week I commented here, feeling really burnt out. I saw the link to Kristin’s story and it really encouraged me to keep going. What I have heard from my friends is that they were taught to be colorblind, really don’t know how to start these conversations with their kids and feel like they and their kids will seem racist if they do anything other than ignore race.
I have begun to put together some posts that address these issues and will put them on my public blog.
Of course there will be parents who don’t want to bother but I am realizing that many are simply convinced that paying attention to race makes them racist.
Part of me wants them to run much faster with all of this but I think I can impact my friends if I will be patient and really listen to them.
Thank you, Kristin for the kick in the pants!
white mom, white kids . Listening, talking, just read this aloud to two sons, who had questions that I hadn’t considered. Eye opener, and my heart hurts. people who witness a wrong stay silent are as much to blame as those who do wrong.
Montclair Mommy — I feel the same way! Whenever I see white parents with kids of color I want to talk to them — I just assume that they’ll want to share/bond with me too. But I’m probably wrong!
This was a great post. I was greatly influenced by the Nutureshock story as well. I’m so glad I found this blog.
@Montclair Mommy – I don’t think your idea of a playgroup is exclusivist at all. My children are multi-ethnic and one of the greatest things early on was my local Mocha Moms group. They didn’t care what color the parents were – it was all about our kids. I will admit I’ve been more comfortable discussing certain realities with the Mocha Mom parents than I have with some of my other mom groups. Now that I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve become pretty bold about going up to parents with children who look like mine, regardless of the parent(s)’ ethnicity. Happily, that’s worked out quite well for me! That being said, I do try to keep an open mind and an open eye for WP of WC who look like they may want to enter into that conversation. One thing that is easy to forget is that there are a number of WP of WC who are quite conscious of their privilege and, as a result, are concerned that they would seem intrusive or accidentally offend.
I grew up in Suburban Pennsylvania, and there was one black girl in our neighborhood, sadly, she was NOT a nice little girl. The problem with this is that because she was the only minority child in the neighborhood, I think a lot of the kids were prejudice because instead of realizing that SHE was the problem, not her race, I think they missed out on alot. I do understand that race should be talked about, as well as disability, but also make sure that when you are talking to your child explain that EVERYONE is different in different ways and no one should be judged on anything other than their character. When it all comes down to it, the boys in this article are probably great kids, and given time HOPEFULLY Jimmy and Timmy will realize it. I have frequently taken my daughter into situations where she is the minority and she gets along fine, cause she is 3, but I feel horribly uncomfortable, not because of the race, but because we live in an area where no one speaks English
So I am a rather talkie person who is stuck for an hour alone because everyone else is speaking amongst their own groups and I am excluded by a language barrier…it stinks.
@Montclair Mommy–that’s not an unreasonable desire in the least. in fact, in my city, there is an organization called the “multiracial family circle” that began as interracial adoptive parents getting together, and has grown to include families of just about every type of racial identity in our city. my family also belongs to a multicultural homeschool group for families with children of color. i’m a white mom with biracial kids (and my dh and his family are muslim, to boot. talk about “not fitting in,” right?)
we are also in other, more general, parenting and homeschooling groups, and my (very light-skinned) boys are almost invariably the only children of color at events. i’m fortunate in that those parenting groups are very open to discussions of race, skin color, ethnicity, etc.
we also live in a diverse part of my city–by our choosing. we like the small ecological footprint, yes, but my favorite thing about our street is that it exemplifies nearly every type of “diversity” imaginable. and that’s a value i hold higher than having a house with x amount of square footage.
i struggle with friends who want to instill appreciation for diversity in their kids but still choose to live in “white flight” neighborhoods. it doesn’t compute to me: if it’s a value you hold dear, you will live by it. if you don’t live it, you’re giving it more lipservice than heartservice. (um, correct me if i’m wrong. like i said. i struggle.)
sorry for the book. love the post. thanks!
I think that white parents of white children are *starting* to get it. When I posted this on my personal blog last week, it went into my facebook feed. So many of my friends commented on how this prompted conversations with their kids, and how they had never thought to talk to them about it. I think people care if they know to care . . . if that makes sense. They might need prompting and the personal stories to “get it”. I am hopeful that this will change, but it may be a generation or so before we turn the tides of the fear regarding race discussions.
Remember Eric Holder’s speech a year or so ago, where he called us a nation of cowards? I think he wasn’t far off.
Another white parent of white child listening and trying to engage more actively in these discussions with my child. One reason we moved to a more urban area out of a suburban area when my child was 2 was to reduce how isolated we were by race and economics (though we’re still far and away the majority in this city). My child is actually a minority among the children of our extended family…her 2 cousins (both from different families on opposite sides of the country) are both POC though we get to see them far too infrequently. But we’re bringing up the concept to her more and more about how her race and socioeconomic status affords her privilege that her cousins and many other people don’t have. We (her parents) were both raised to be “colorblind” and are working hard to go against our ingrained tendencies to ‘shush’ when she notices differences but blogs like this one REALLY help increase our dialog and give us ideas of how to be proactive with her. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
White mom of white kids here – and my 5 y.o. was the perpetrator of a similar incident at tae kwan do. While I managed to react, um, WAY more appropriately than the parents at the basketball practice, it was incredibly, incredibly difficult emotionally on everybody involved (except the black kid, who didn’t really register it as far as we parents could tell). The parents were uncomfortable around me, I was uncomfortable around them, and while we both tried really hard to get past it I was very glad when the class ended and I suspect they were too.
Meanwhile, I’m dragging my son around town pointing out the dearth of black dolls at Wal-Mart, reading every kid’s book on civil rights in the library, talking about Eurocentrism and anti-Semitism (and at the same time trying to explain to a 5 y.o. that people of color don’t like to hear how “we’re just like you” because of atrocities committed back in the day). It retrospect, it all seems pretty basic, but in the moment of doing it, I felt like a JERK. Talking specifically about racism with little children is a huge social taboo. Rarely have I had to fight so hard against the urge to shut up and go along, or (worse yet) to start in with the hugs-and-puppies “everybody’s equal” preschool-level diversity spiel. I’m really glad that the research featured in NurtureShock is out there to reassure white parents that their instinct to be silent or neutral on racial issues is an instinct that shouldn’t be heeded. I would further add, don’t leave anti-racist training to Dora, Little Bill and Elmo.
I’m a white parent of a white child. I’m listening and I’m working on changing that pattern. I’m sure my child will say something awful at some point in time–she is a kid after all. But I’m doing my best to ensure that it won’t because of race. She’s not even two and I bring up race regularly when reading books and when we are out in mixed crowds and no one can hear us.
This is such a great conversation. I’m so glad that NurtureShock is out and likely to gain a wider audience. The story also reminded me of The First R, which is a really terrific study of children experimenting with race-based exclusion/inclusion in pre-school. One of the really interesting parts of the study is that whenever a student is hear saying something racist, everyone–parents, teachers, administrators–assume that the parents of the student are to blame. But it always turned out that the parents were shocked and horrified. Not to say that parents don’t have any influence, because for sure we do, but the authors concluded that children are way more sophisticated than we give them credit for and are picking up on how race-based exclusion etc. work from living in the world with their eyes and ears open.
It seems important to get that idea out there so that parents feel less implicated (I totally agree, though, that the color-blind stuff is NOT helpful.)
Thanks for such a great conversation.
i’m white, my husband is white, my 20 month old twins are white. i live in a non diverse town, i am listening and learning.
We just talked about the NurtureShock book/Newsweek article (http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989) at our preschool last week. It was an eye-opening read for many in our community.
Your story pointedly illustrates the need for all of us to talk about in neutral terms about race. We are in San Francisco so there’s plenty of visible diversity – but race is such a loaded topic that it’s an extremely uncomfortable conversation for many people. I hope that eventually you’ll have better luck getting through to people.
Wow.
I would say most of my friends are WP of WC but I am lucky enough to have more than a handful of friends with children of color (most of them of mixed backgrounds, actually), most of them being WOC as well. I am actually pretty reluctant to bring up the topic with my friends that are MOC b/c I am aware of how this has been an issue in their entire lives and its just starting to be an issue in mine (read: for the last 7 years or so). So, in that way, I can totally understand what the aware WPs of WCs must be thinking/feeling. I have a close (white) friend that has children of color as well and we do talk about these issues and she is an outlet for my frustrations, which I appreciate.
@Ashley, I am going to be going to your blog–you know that, right?
@Oakland Mom: Yup! I find myself smiling at white parent with kids of color when I’m not around my son (I also do this with mixed couples of all colors) and I bet they find it creepy. I kind of want to go up to them and say, “ME TOO! LETS HANG OUT!” I’m sure not everyone feels like we do but I’m glad I’m not alone! There have been times women have approached me at stores when I’m with my son and have said to me, “His hair looks just like my son’s at that age.” or “He looks just like my nephew.” I’m sure that it isn’t true, they were probably just looking for a way to say, “ME TOO! LETS CHAT!” which I completely appreciate and understand.
@ Christine: does Mocha Moms have a group in every area? Can I just google them (won’t do it here at work, but will when I get home!)? That’s good that that has worked out well approaching other moms…before I went back to work I was starting to do that as well but I didn’t get a chance to really follow through because now I’m working and not as free with my time. If I end up going back to my SAHP gig I will definitely pick up where I left off: i.e. overly friendly mom to other mothers with children of color.
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@Montclair Mommy, I’m another White parent of a White kid, listening and learning and looking for a better way. And if you do start a anti-racist group where White mom/kid combos would be welcome, please let us know! I suspect we live pretty close to each other.
This story made me so sad, especially the reactions of the White parents. I get that it is VERY difficult to be challenged and to have to look at your own racism/biases, and those of your kid. But once you take a breath, how can your reaction be anything other than really trying to constructively address it? I mean, like Kristin (OP) said, isn’t helping our kids understand themselves and providing guidance so they can overcome their selfish instincts and learned prejudices the job of being a parent?
Thank you! Your observation — “MY KID gets to become the object lesson” — so helpfully gives me the words to describe my biracial daughter’s experience of racial dynamics in a predominantly white elementary school classroom. That’s precisely it…not that I expect other kids NOT to notice race or NOT to work their way through understanding racial differences, but that my daughter is so often the object lesson for their race education!
I think it’s great that all the white folks that follow LIE are listening and, hopefully, learning from this post, but it’s preaching to the choir so to speak.
When I posted the Newsweek article that discussed that specific chapter from NurtureShock on my FB page I got so much push-back from my white friends. So, no, not all white parents are willing to recognize this problem. The more statistics that get put out into the world about the lack of willingness for white parents to talk to their white kids about race the better. They need to be confronted about their shortcomings as parents so that my kid doesn’t have to suffer the consequences.
Thank you for posting this!
This makes my heart hurt a little bit. It reminds me of that old Denis Leary quote “Racism isn’t born, folks, it’s taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.”
Talk to your kids. Is there anything more important?
Seriously, yes children do recognize color. Yes, their brains automatically categorize, even the brains of adults do, too. It is our job to investigate what we have categorized, and say, Hey, this can go with these other things too! Yes, we DO NEED to teach our children our differences, because that is the TRUE way we can also teach similarities, appreciate differences, learn and grow from them, and so much more. I can write on FOREVER about this, but I’m sure there is so much more to read from others. Until next time, folks.
Sounds just like Piedmont but with more honesty and less surfing. Great writing. Thanks
Montclair Mommy–I’m a white parent of a white kid, and I’m listening, and trying. Don’t know how well I’m doing but my child is almost six and we have had a couple of conversations about race. I know a couple is not nearly enough, but we are not on the “color blind” path, at any rate.
I have to chime in here…I am a black parent of a black and a biracial foster sons. I also have 4 biracial neices and nephews. In my house we talk about race all the time. All. The. Time. It is so prevalent that we don’t even think about it. Race comes even when we are talking about mundane things, like food, TV shows, clothes, music, speech, attitudes, sports, hair, etc.. I have never understood that colorblind approach, but maybe that is because I can’t escape the reality of being a person of color. It is possible to take colorblindness to an extreme. For example; once when I was in college I was arranging a ride home with someone whom I never met before. Where were arranging a place to meet. I described myself as the black person with as suitcase waiting in front of_____. The person on the phone was horrified on my behalf asking me why did I describe myself as such. To myself I’m thinking “This is riduculous, I’m describing myself as black because 1. I am and 2. I’m pretty sure I would be the only black person standing there and it was a good way to easy identify me”.
I’m also going to state at this point that though I and one of my foster sons identify as black, I am not sure how my biracial foster son identifies. Based on conversations I would have to say that sometimes he identifies as white, sometimes as black and sometimes he is just 16. How he identifies is his choice and I don’t care either way. But either way that does not stop the conversations on race in my house.
The other comment I feel a need to make is, no matter how much you may want to, no matter how hard it is to see and experience, no matter how much you may want to protect your children from it, you can’t hide/protect your children from racism. Unfortuately, racism is a fact in our society. Even if you can be successfully in protecting them from racism as a child they will eventually grow up and go out into that big bad world. Then they will experience racism and not have the tools to handle it. Part of your job as parents is to help your children develop the tools to help them deal with the racism that will come their way. Thats is probably the greatest gift my parents gave me. As a result, it does not intimidate me to be the only black in the room. I am not afraid to do or go places where traditionally people who look like me don’t go. It is not that I am doing this cause I don’t know any better, but because I have the tools to handle what maybe thrown my way.
just wanted to say this article hurt my heart, but the pic at the top is a wonderful pick-me-up. I love the way lil kids stand with their bellies out – it is the CUTEST thing!
@TTBoot: You are so right that we can’t protect them from racism. Its a constant factor in their lives. We, too, talk about race near to constantly. Like you said, all day/everyday because, in our family, its something we are always thinking about and dealing with in some way. And, like in your family I suspect, our perception of current events and tv shows and movies all have that lens of looking at something from a anti-racist perspective. He’s little, so we don’t talk TO him about “race” (We do talk about skin color and how skin color varies from person to person and how his skin is beautiful and brown and lighter than daddy’s and darker than mommy’s but the same as lots of people like his cousin Joey and his friend Zoey and President Obama. We use the words “black” and “biracial” to refer to him around him so he is familiar and comfortable with those terms and so he sees them as positive, affirming, and inclusive of him.) but we talk about it around him so he knows that its something we are open to talking about.
Its certainly NOT the way I looked at things before I dated my husband.
This reminds me of a class my husband and I (we were just friends at the time) had in lawschool. My Constitutional law teacher was getting ready to teach about Brown v. Board and she picked out a random white kid in class (a friend of mine). She said, “When was the last time you thought about race?” He said, “Two weeks ago, when I was eating out with my family…my sisters are Korean (adopted).” Then she turns to my husband (one of 3 black kids in our 75 person class), “When was the last time you thought about race?” He said, “I am thinking about it now. I thought about it coming to class because I KNEW that I’d get called on in this discussion. I think about it all day, every day.” It illustrated her point nicely, but it did use him, a POC, as an object lesson. It singled him out. And he KNEW that she would. That was a really powerful lesson for me and I have never forgotten it…but sadly, I had to learn off of his experience of being singled out. He has those sorts of experiences each and every day. So while I “have” to think about race now, its not and it hasn’t been my entire life. But it is his. And its my son’s. I can never ever feel what that is like. I can’t teach him how to deal with racism from a perspective that is real and lived…and that really sucks for him. I am glad that he has his father and his paternal family that he can turn to about this, but as his mother I wish I could “fix it.”
I’m a white woman who doesn’t yet have children and doesn’t know if they’ll be white when I do — but as a future parent (I hope!) and as a babysitter of white children, I really, really appreciate these conversations and stories. It strengthens my resolve and makes strategies for talking to children about race practical and d0-able. I’m listening — thank you!
Montclair Mommy, come on over anytime! I’ll try to get the posts up soon.
@Montclair Mommy – go to mochamoms.org. At the top of the page you’ll see the heading “Chapters”. Click on it and you can search your specific area for a Mocha Moms group. While it started out as a group for SAHPs, they are very specific about not excluding working parents.
So…a few of the parents who were caucasian at our school were kind of freaked out by the whole discussion in Nurtureshock. They want to talk about it, but they aren’t comfortable enough about the topic yet. Does anyone have any advice? I think that many people at our school were looking for specific dialogue pointers. Any advice?
Wowsers,
I think we could help you better with a bit more information. Can you say more about what sort of discussion you are envisioning? Like, is this a formal sort of thing, or an informal one-on-one conversation? Are these parents? Teachers? What would be your role in this conversation?
Exciting to hear about an opportunity for good dialogue on this topic.
Our school is a parent run coop – so our director really tries to keep everyone on the same page. We have a pretty detailed “indoctrination” about discipline and kids art (among other things) as it is part of our school’s way of doing things. We just the diversity position this year – and there was a large interest in parent education. Reading the Newsweek article was step one.
A lot of the parents wanted to know specifically how to talk to their kids about race without loading them up with baggage. I know a lot of people felt that they had stayed away from the conversation because they felt that it’s something that shouldn’t be talked about it (the colorblind theory) or that they were too uncomfortable with the topic. We all felt that the “awkward moments” brought to every parent by the preschoolers’ keen sense of observation was a natural starting point, but again – there was a lot of evident discomfort about talking to their kids without talking points or some previous role play or a script, much like the ones we have for kids art (observe the colors, ask about it, never give the pat praise of “it’s pretty”) or discipline (get down on their level, ask them what happened, etc). So in short, what to say in those one-on-one conversations! My role is to listen and educate and ensure that everyone’s needs are being met when it comes to diversity (yeah I know that’s vague – it’s a work in progress!).
@Wowsers: a few good books on talkign to children about diversity according to their level of development:
I’m Chocolate You’re Vanilla
Does Anyone Look Like Me?
Sorry I can’t be more specific. I have these books at home but I’m at work right now. A google search should pull them and other similar books right up. I liked how the first book talked about how to deal with race in each stage of development. I am not sure I agree with EVERYTHING in both books, but they are great starting points for thought and discussion.
I am so sorry for what you and your children went through. I am saddened of course. I just want to thank you for turning your experience into an opportunity to educating the ineffectiveness of “colorblindness”, actually, the danger of it. I am getting really frustrated with some white people’s insistence on Color Blindness. The way it is stated sometimes it is as if they are accusing us of being a racist for not wanting to let it go. “Try and live one day as a person of color in this country, white lady!” I often want to scream at the top of my lung.
White mama of white daughter – never thought of talking race with my 3 yo daughter until last month when she pointed it out to me at the store “Look mama, a black lady.” That’s right, I told her. And immediately found this blog that night. We live in north Denver (racially mixed neighborhood and her preschool class is as well), have a racially mixed extended family, and I didn’t think a thing about race. Now we talk almost nightly about people’s “Bodies” and how every body is a different body – big, little, brown skin, peach skin, big hair, no hair, tattoo (like mama) or not (lik daddy) etc and how each body is a good body. She loves to talk about bodies now and points out different bodies when we are out. Her favorite part is “every body is a good body!” She has some developmental issues (speech, physicality) so I think it’s good for her to know that everyone’s bodies, while different, are good for them. That said, I have struggled to find age-appropriate ways to talk about this – my “body” talk is the best thing I could come up with! These blogs and posts are all so helpful to me, and lots of other mamas, I’m sure. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I don’t have children yet but I’m always on the look for how to raise my kids when I do. I don’t recall ever really discussing race as a kid, and this helps me to remember the value in doing so.
This was a fantastic post, and it made my heart hurt to read it. I’m another white mama of white babies, and please know we foster an environment of answering all questions with honest, straight-forward answers. I’ll be sharing this post with my kids and adding you to my reader.
It breaks my heart that parents pass these believe/values/behaviors on to their children because it is learned and it is ingrained. My children often ask me why these things happen – It is hard for me to explain – how anyone could possibly feel or believe the things they do. The rational part of my mind just doesn’t understand and that has everything to do with the way I was brought up. My eldest son will speak out when he sees or hears racism, bullying, etc – I’m proud of him for that. We’ve had to talk about the best ways to go about it though because his initial instinct was to get physical! I don’t sugar coat anything with my kids and I answer all of their questions honestly because they are a lot more perceptive than you think!
My daughter attended a Christian private school for K-2. While we loved most of the teachers, it was very difficult socially for her. She is quiet, and she was one of only two black children in her grade and one of only a handful in the entire school. Initially I blamed her shyness for her inability to fit in, but through further observation I realized there was something else happening, some of what you observed in that basketball class. Kids (and parents) tended to clique with those who look like them.
This year DD is enrolled in our public neighborhood school. It is more diverse and DD is much happier. She tells me now, “the kids notice me more. At [fill in private school name here] no one paid attention to me. It was like I wasn’t even there.”
My heart breaks that she experienced three years of being an outcast, even worse is the fact that I was PAYING for it.
I’m so thankful that we moved her and for her finally being noticed for the intelligent, sensitive and caring girl that God created her to be regardless of her skin tone.
I read Newport Beach and wasn’t surprised. It’s very unfortunate but at least you spoke up and didn’t back away from the situation.
If people want to exclude themselves from diversity that is there problem. It would be nice if we could put all those types and their soon-to-be racist children on an island.
Thank you for posting your story. It will definitely open up some eyes. If you affect one person that person in turn will affect another individual and so and so forth.
You are definitely a catalyst for positive change.
thanks