written by Love isn’t Enough columnist Liz Dwyer; originally posted at Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
Gorgeous weather yesterday afternoon, so I took my sons to our neighborhood park. As I watched my boys swing and climb on the monkey bars, another mom struck up a conversation with me.
She asked me where my kids go to school. I didn’t want to tell her so I quickly diverted the conversation by saying, “My boys looove school,” and then I asked where her daughter goes.
She shared that instead of attending the neighborhood school, her daughter goes to a charter school. I know the woman who’s the assistant principal at this charter school, and from what I’ve heard, they’re doing great things.
She began telling me how much her daughter loves the charter school’s dance focus, but, “Some of the kids aren’t such good dancers, you know?”
I nodded my head understandingly. I wasn’t such a good dancer when I was little, and these days I get a good chuckle out of my two son’s attempts at imitating Michael Jackson. But as this mom continued to talk, I quickly realized she wasn’t thinking about kiddie awkwardness.
“They have a hard time because all of the kids are like my daughter,” she said. “All Spanish people, and we don’t dance as good as you black people.”
Uh…say what?
“So I thought I’d come over here and say hi and see if you will enroll your sons in the school because then maybe our dance performances will be better.”
I kid you not, I almost busted out laughing right then and there! I wanted to ask her, “Seriously? Don’t you know black people aren’t genetically programmed to know how to dance?”
Do we need a new hashtag? #NotEveryBlackKidCanDance? And what’s this mess about Hispanic folks not being able to dance? Uh, really?
But oddly, I started feeling a teensy bit sorry for her. I mean, as I talked to her, it came out that she wasn’t born here, which means she came to the States and learned this racist crap from other folks and from the media.
It was also obvious she was totally sincere in thinking more black kids = her kid’s school’s dance performances improving. Then the one black mom she stumbles across at the park, moi, ruins it all!
Yeah, I’m that mom who prays daily that her sons get into, gasp, a math/science/technology magnet. I told her how I’m trying to get my sons into a super cool school with a robotics program, a science lab, and a one-to-one laptop program for grades 3-5.
“But don’t your boys like dancing?” she asked.
Sure they do, but instead I told her how my eldest says that when he grows up he wants to be some sort of scientist, or else design artificial body parts for people, and my youngest says he wants to be a rock star, a skateboarder or in the military. (BTW, we’re already arguing about all three of those choices.)
Her disappointment was palpable, but sorry, even if they were the best dancers in Los Angeles, my kids don’t exist to give street cred to any school’s dance performances.
We parted ways with her encouraging me to check into the school if the magnet thing doesn’t work out.
Yeah, um, sure. I’ll get right on that.
Wow! Some of the things that come out of some people’s mouths, I tell you. It’s been my experience that non-black AND black people almost always assume that my being black means I can dance. It’s even been a source of anxiety for me at times in various situations. In the past when I’ve been asked to participate in dance related activities, I found myself having to assure people repeatedly that, no, I can’t/don’t dance. I’m an okay dancer but nowhere near the “America’s Best Dance Crew” level most people assume I’m at or am supposed to be at. And the when I chose to participate for the fun of it, I got ridiculed for not being able to “throw down.”
Unless I or anyone else explicitly states we can dance, please don’t assume we can or that we’re any less black if we can’t.
Hahahahaha…oh man. This is somewhat like people assuming that being a black dude means being awesome at sports. Okay, so DH is awesome at sports, but that is an individual trait of his, not some sort of group trait that all black people share.
People really believe this like its a FACT, too! I was working with children in RSA and the woman who runs the program (!!) said to a new trainee, “Now, when we bathe the children we are sure to sing with them, clapping hands and so forth. Remember they are black and rhythm comes naturally to them.” I was like, “Whhhaaa???” She said it like she was imparting real wisdom! Like its ESPECIALLY important that you sing and clap with black children b/c rhythm is a part of their inherent abilities! Crazy!
This is a great story! I would just add that other countries are afflicted by racism just as strongly as the US. I doubt the Mom you talked to needed to learn them in the US. I don’t know where she was from but it sounds like latin America. Stereotypes run rampant across Latin America as well and if anything are more socially acceptable there.
wow. umm. wow.
that’s so funny to me because, when I was a kid I thought that all “Spanish” people could dance. but really – I’d never expect a grownup to believe that about any group.
and Jenn – I feel you on the anxiety – I’ve often been expected to be an awesome dancer because I’m musically inclined [which is incidentally completely unrelated], and because I’m brown. I tend to stay seated when I dance, as that’s the only way for me to look halfway decent. For some reason when I stand up and dance I look more like I’m just kind of flailing around.
Great timing on this post, because a recent incident had me thinking about “positive” stereotyping like this – Blacks and Hispanics can dance, Asians are super smart, Italians are great cooks, and homosexuals are artistic.
I recently complained to an older relative that the house next door to us has been vacant for well over a year, and we were praying that someone would move in soon and tame the overgrown yard (the previous owner didn’t do anything so it was already in bad shape before he left). She said, “Oh honey, I hope you’re lucky enough to get a nice gay couple to move in there. The ones that have been in my neighborhoods always had the most beautiful yards and homes! Gay people are so artistic. You remember such-and-such don’t you?” Yes, I do remember drooling over that particular gorgeous yard in her neighborhood, but I gently pointed out that her comment really was stereotyping homosexuals. “I guess, so, but it’s a compliment!” was her reply.
???
Hi,
Not sure if she LEARNED this in the states after a move. A friend of mine from Kenya says that Kenyans can dance. Don’t know if she would say “black people” can dance, though. Maybe. At any rate, she talks about the rhythms she heard as a child falling asleep in northern Kenya and the pervasiveness of music in life ceremonies, church services and also at plain-ole weekend get-togethers. At any rate, this issues seems much deeper and multifauceted than “black can dance”. Thanks for raising the topic.
OK, I haven’t read the comments yet – thought I’d comment first. Good Grief! At the beginning, I so wanted you to shake this woman up with a firm, direct ‘what in the world are you talking about’ speech after laughing really hard. But I know you are much kinder and more patient than I am. I admire your perseverance and willingness to always take the time. I also admire your indirect approach. Thanks for writing about this. It is just crucial for all of us to continue to expand our understanding of our oneness, but not necessarily sameness. Diversity is SO good! Love ya!
Maybe off topic – but why would you ask her where her children go to school if you weren’t willing to say where your kids went to school? Sounds like you handled the issue well enough, and appropriately gently.
One of the first things that struck me about this story was the fact that “all Spanish people” apparently aren’t the best dancers which was something that surprised me and caught me of guard. Obviously, i know not every hispanic person can salsa like the pros, but I thought it was very interesting that a hispanic woman (?) would think that increasing the number of black children at the school would make for better dance performances.
You did a great job of educating this person on the truths of stereotypes by describing the types of professions your kids aim for (none of which involve dancing…) without putting her down or making her feel embarrassed. Although I think its pathetic that some people really believe these stereotypes to be true, I agree that the media is a huge contributing factor to people’s belief in stereotypes.
Great post!
I also really liked Jenn’s comment at the top – that aspect of the ‘black people are awesome dancers’ stereotype had never occurred to me before, I’m sorry to say.
When I worked in a school, on my FIRST DAY working there was an all staff meeting at which one of the senior figures in the school talking some garbled spiritual nonsense, which including going on and on about how black people can run really fast. Er, ok.