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Love Isn't Enough is a blog about parenting and race.
The editorial team at Love Isn't Enough is comprised of Tami Winfrey Harris, Sarah, and Julia. You can email us at team@loveisntenough.com.
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Got our very first, in 5 years, racist comment the other day. Shot the rug right out from under me and my daughters.
The other day in my Early Childhood Education class, the teacher mentioned that her son and daughter-in-law will be adopting from Ethiopia soon. Then she goes, “So I’m going to be learning how to do cawnrows!” and everybody laughed. Somebody on the other side of the room said, “Oh, I love little black babies!” It was weird, man.
This is a teacher who has a history of casually insensitive remarks, like constantly joking that her Israeli paraprofessional is teaching her how to “hock and spit” (i.e. speak Hebrew). She clearly has good intentions of wanting to broaden her cultural horizons, but seems very fixed in racial stereotypes.
It makes me wonder what kind of upbringing that “little black baby” is going to get– I assume, perhaps unfairly, that it will be the only child of color in this family. I don’t know whether my teacher’s son is very much like her, but she is not the kind of person I would like to see raising a black child, just because she is so very ignorant of a lot of issues. I’m not sure whether I should have said something or what, since she’s my teacher and of course much older than I am, and she’s not the one adopting. It’s just weird to see people so casually unaware of the kind of issues we discuss here.
I really hope she’ll be a good grandma to that baby and never make him/her feel weird or different. : /
Beth,
I’m so sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk more about it here, or are there other ways we could help?
@Beth G. I’m sorry to hear that =( Then again, you’re pretty lucky to have gotten that far without a problem.
*
Right now, I feel like a icky person, because I recently came to realize that I would be most comfortable raising a family with someone who shared one or more of my cultures (Celtic/Native American/Latin@). I feel like there are so many things wrong with this view, but at the same time, I recently broke off a very serious relationship with someone because our cultures were too different for us to consider doing things like raising kids together.
Any thoughts?
Thank you for the support. While I was totally expecting negativity and was prepared for it, I seemed to have been lulled into a false sense of a fairyland. LOL DD’s and I had some really good talks about people’s feelings, attitudes, and what they do not ever have to take or listen to – so it was good in the end. Really felt like pounding that kid though.
Seadhlinn, it’s good to know yourself and what you are capable of, but don’t you think that you could work on yourself too? I ask this with the utmost respect, because my dearest friend felt the same way. She’s since really widened her social circle, become proficient at another language, and learned extensively about many other cultures and religions. It’s my own feeling that children should grow up in diverse atmosphere anyway. The time for strict ethnic lines, closed cultures, and staying within your own “kind” seems to be quickly passing. What a great topic!
Postscript~
Don’t mean that in any way condescendingly! Honestly, I admire you for seeing yourself in such an honest “warts-and-all” way; just perhaps you are limiting yourself?
Seadhlinn,
I don’t feel like I can be very helpful until I get a better sense of what you mean by “sharing a culture.” My first response was that you might be, in the wake of this other relationship, thinking about it in overly monolithic terms. But I’m not sure, without knowing what those things are that you want to align on.
For me, it has seemed to be more about personal values than anything else. So, though I never, ever would have predicted this, I am now happily (mostly) married to a man who is Mormon even though I am pretty darn skeptical of organized religion. It works because we respect one another and share enough other values with us that–when it comes to religion–we each think that the other is totally nuts.
I don’t know if that’s helpful as an analogy or not, but I offer it…
Beth,
I’m glad everything resolved so well. Let’s hope it’s not going to become a new trend in your life.
Pearl,
Oh, ick, ick, ick. Telling that kind of “joke” makes me wonder if shes feeling pretty uncomfortable with the idea of becoming a transracial family. Perhaps you could mention to her that you know that is a big change, and that you have some resources you’d be happy to offer (LIE, for instance). But the student-teacher dynamic is tricky, so I also think it’s okay not to say anything. I hope dearly that her children are more aware and have some plans to do some educating.
@Pearl: I cringed at that third-hand joke. Poor future kid.
@Beth and Julia: For years, I’d blithely assumed I could make a cross-racial/cross-cultural relationship work, because my parents and various other family members did. But when I asked them for advice, they just pointed out how much their respective cultures have in common (my mom being Scottish Celtic, my dad being South American Native). There are certain worldviews that both have in common, to which I am quite attached; unfortunately, these are the ones which tend to cause very deep-seated clashes. While I can happily be friends with someone with a totally different outlook and background, raising kids is a different thing, because you want to present a united front (actually, the relationship killer was a conversation about Thanksgiving, during which I made a joke about my parent’s rather humorous presentation of the “First Thanksgiving” story… I’ll leave y’all to imagine how the conversation degenerated from there.)
Seadhlinn,
I think knowing yourself is a powerful and important way to start thinking about ourselves and race. Perhaps though, your relationship wasn’t so much about culture as a lack of shared goals and values? While I believe we are aculturated into our values, without having some shared senses, raising children together is very difficult. Instead maybe of thinking “I need the same culture, same race, etc” we should all be thinking, “I’d like shared values” which can happen across cultural and racial boundaries.
@Seadhlinn: I guess I am going to go out on a limb here and say that if you feel like you would only be comfortable in a relationship with someone that shares your cultural background–that’s what you should do. If you are uncomfortable with it while dating, it could potentially become worse while married and raising children. Its not something anyone “should” or “shouldn’t” do…who you partner with should be based on a variety of things, hopefully primarily including love and mutual respect and understanding. This can obviously happen across cultural and racial lines, but if it makes you feel wary then you should shy away. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be fair to your partner if you were staying with him or her despite discomfort just to prove a point about your willingness to cross those “lines”. HOWEVER, I would say that you COULD change your mind if you met the right person. When my DH and I were dating we broke up after awhile and, retrospectively, I think part of that was due to my discomfort with being such a conspicuous couple. I tried dating other people and, let me tell you, all it did was remind me what I had walked away from in my DH. No one else was as funny or as smart or as similiar in their politics (VERY important to both of us) or religious views. If I refused to cross that line b/c of my discomfort I would have missed out on my best friend and partner for life. Have there been conflicts? Absolutely. Our cultural backgrounds are VERY different and I am sure I have not always been sensitive to the differences in our families. I struggle with my ideas (Westernized and white-centric) of how families are “supposed” to interact and celebrate holidays, etc. This stuff really didn’t come up until we had DS and it has only gotten better with time and with (my) education on cultural differences. Anyway, this is all a long way of saying that, despite the struggle, every single day its worth it.