Dear Love Isn’t Enough,
I just discovered your blog “Love Isn’t Enough”
It struck a big chord with me as a Cuban-American woman (who only recently in life came to assume my Cuban-ness) living in Paris, France, with a half-Indian (from southern India) three and a half year-old daughter. I have been trying to think of ways to give my daughter (who holds French and American nationality) a sense of Indian culture without it being too much (“What is too much?” is the first question that pops up). I would like to do so because her father rarely does anything cultural with her, much less Indian and cultural–he plays with her a lot instead– sports, games, and the like.
My own American-Cuban-French mix comes across quite easily (we dance salsa, we sing folk songs, we make pancakes, we go to museums, etc). But though I have researched its history and customs quite a bit, Indian, specifically southern Indian, culture remains a bit of an enigma. One big problem is that I am a profound feminist, and there is much in Indian culture that is radically anti-woman, particularly anti-progressive-woman-with-her-own-ideas. There is also much that is fantastically beautiful (dance, clothing) and spiritual.
I guess my question to you would be: do you know where I might be able to find resources that would be good for giving my young daughter a sense of the beauty and depth of the Indian culture whilst avoiding such ideas as “widows must throw themselves onto their dead husbands’ burning pyres”? Also, where to draw the line? One cultural activity per week? month? day? etc..
Best regards from Paris,
M.D.
From the Editor:
I am going to leave this question to LIE readers to answer. Particularly, the parents of children of mixed-heritage may have especially insightful suggestions.
I will say that I think your worries about separating sexism from Indian culture may be a result of you viewing that culture from the outside. Certainly American culture, Latin cultures, European cultures, African American cultures are all riddled with gender bias (most ALL cultures, sadly, are). But I think when we are part of a culture, it is easier to a) not inflate its negative aspects, while b) navigating its negative aspects and imparting the most important elements of culture to our children.
Tami
Readers? Can you give this mom some help?
i’m kind of an outsider too but i grew up buddhist and there’s a lot of historic influence of indian culture on my ethnic society, therefore a lot of indian art and hindu/buddhist books came through my house. as a child, i loved the blue-skinned deities, the sanskrit, the elephants and the flowers… the carved wood, the silver bells and shiny cloths. they all hold a special place in my heart.
and i don’t recommend singling out these immersions as separate event. it should be a part of her daily lifestyle as it is a part of her blood, not something strange that you only do on thurdays. sneak it into her daily routine, sneak it into her life. an identity is a part of you whether you accept it or not, helping her see herself surrounded by things that talk to her blood’s history will help her identify herself in the future.
it will help seeing it as something you identify with too, rather than something exotic to you. bring it home. make it a part of your life too.
and what about dad’s parents (are they available)? maybe you could ask them for some family history, stories, anything they can pass down.
My perspective is that the main thing to do is to have people of your daughter’s ethnic heritage in your and your daughter’s life. However, I have no idea how possible that is in Paris. The idea is not to exoticize, but to make this part of your daughter’s heritage a normal part of your life. And it’s less about enacting some notion of “authentic” Indian culture, then about getting to know Indian culture *as it is lived in France.* (and this may differ, obviously, from person to person.)
When it’s age-appropriate, you can talk about the family tree, where one side of the family comes from, where the other side of the family comes from, maybe read a book or two about all backgrounds in the family tree.
And I wouldn’t get too wrapped up in whether your husband is doing Indian culture-specific things with your daughter. Your husband, like everyone, enacts his ethnic heritage in the way that he chooses and that is equally authentic and valuable to your daughter in my opinion.
M.D.,
Which part of South India are you interested in? You could focus more on Kerela specifically, as there culture has a matrilineal (not sure of the spelling?) heritage. I don’t know much about it, as I am more familiar with norther Indian culture.
I know that your letter was a short summary, but if you are focusing on sati, I think you are missing many aspects of modern Indian culture. There are many positive and negative aspects, and some that seem negative to outsiders but not insiders. Are there any ways for your daughter to get to know other south Indians? I think there is a huge difference between “learning the culture” and being a part of it.
Sara
Hello
My children’s Dad is from China & I was born in the U.S., not of Asian descent…
Their Dad loves all things American & has taught my kids a lot of the pop culture & activities that are common here in the U.S. Where their Chinese culture comes in is: holidays such as Chinese New Year & Moon Festival (the 2 big holidays their Dad likes to celebrate) & family get togethers with his relatives. Also food is a huge & delicious way to learn about their heritage–both restaurants or home cooking!
I maybe wanted our kids to be more aware of their heritage because my children actually look very much like their Dad & people regard them as Asian…so I took them to a Chinese-American church for about 5 years, where they got to know many kids. (Their Dad did not go.) They now attend high school & are friends with some of these same teens, although we no longer go to church. My kids also took martial arts classes from a very kind teacher from China, & learned a bit more of the culture through him, but I would not have forced them to do this if they didn’t enjoy it. My son really enjoyed the martial arts & the culture his teacher taught him.
My son strongly identifies with his Asian heritage & is part of the Asian Cultural Club at school, & about half of his close friends are Asian. My daughter has more a diverse group of friends, but if someone asks her, she also identifies herself as Chinese or Chinese American. I think they are both really proud of their heritage.
I have to say, in regards to Indian culture, we love Indian food & local festivals, & we have watched many Bollywood films over the years, because they are often a mix of both serious & fun and usually family-friendly, not too much sex & violence, & lots of singing & dancing. Many of the Bollywood films we have seen grapple with themes such as changing gender roles in India, ethnic & religious & class tensions within India, changing values between generations, the relationship between children that have left India & their family back at home, etc. There is usually a very positive overarching message in most of the Bollywood films we have seen over the years. When she is older, your daughter may enjoy these films as well! The Bollywood films are very fanciful sometimes because of their musical quality, but they often are really real in their human dimension. I am actually kind of hooked on them!
There is so much of Indian culture & heritage to enjoy & learn about–it is really such a rich culture. Best of all would be to visit India someday when your daughter is older. My children visited China & it is such a vivid part of their memories & experience!
Best wishes!
I’d probably enlist your husband and try to get him to talk to her more about what he did growing up, what types of foods he enjoyed, where he went with his family, etc. He’s probably the best one who can teach your daughter about Indian culture in a way that will resonate with her. If he does that only by being there and playing games with her, that’s what being Indian will mean to her. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’d say that you can only teach her what is from your culture and appreciate what is his and your daughter’s. You can always take her to museums and make sure she has friends who are also from an Indian background, but it will be an outside perspective since you didn’t grow up with all of that.
My father immigrated to America from Hong Kong, and he systematically filtered out information from my Chinese side, only telling me the things he wanted me to know…or censoring the information (ironic, heh, with him being Chinese). Now, as an adult, I wished he had given me everything there was to know about his – and my – culture and let me sort through what I wanted to retain. The way he so fastidiously censored his culture from me, I feel now that there are many holes in my identity that I struggle to reclaim. Even if I don’t want to “take on” parts of my Chinese heritage, I certainly want to know that they are there, they exist, that that is the culture of my father.
I also find your comment that you don’t want to give her “too much” Indian culture interesting…I would say, give her everything. Everything. What you give will be less, anyway, b/c you’re not Indian, and you’re not in India. Give her everything you can, and then help her sort through her own identity as she grows older. That way, she can claim her identity, not feel like it has been manipulated.
Best of luck!
Crystal
Is it strange that someone might want to shield his/her parents from aspects of a country which s/he fled or disliked for very real reasons? I know that this blog has a tendency to support the full exploration of ethnic/racial heritages but perhaps it is also okay to “filter” for our children. If we give them the tools to explore and evaluate the world themselves they can seek out a difference balance if they wish. They can even go to Daddio and say “why didn’t you tell me about this?” And Dad’s reason may or may not be sufficient. This anxiety which parents feel about presenting the “right” balance of ancestral heritage seems misplaced. Oops, maybe I am verging on saying “love is enough…”
I am concerned and surprised by your comment about South Indian culture not meshing with your progressive feminist values. I am curious about your research, particularly if it you feel after your efforts that South Indian culture is an enigma to you. South India is one of the most prolific in the world when it comes to literature, art and visual representations of its history, ideas and customs. Some of Indian culture’s strongest feminists are from there, dating back to times before women in the global north coined that word. Try searching any university’s library with keywords like feminism and South India. Find the poems of Bharatiyar. Additionally, please question your biases in dismissing a whole culture from an outsider’s perspective.
Hi. I am Armenian, and my children are also African/American and Caucasian. I hope this is going to be easier for you than you think, as it is easier for me. One of the simplest things you can do is invest in books from the Indian culture and written/illustrated by Indians. One such example would be Rama and the Demon King, which is a child’s version of the Ramayana, showing the devotion Rama, his wife Sita, and brother Lakshman had to each other. Another example is The Frog and Their Monster, by Gurumayi Chidvilasananda, where several frogs in a pond are worried about a monster in their pond, and when a wise man, Swami Shantananda, went to the marsh to contemplate, the frogs requested his help. He soon discovers the monster is merely a log that fell into the pond. Finaly, I know of Swami on Rye, but can’t remember what it is about. Both former books show examples of the serenity of Hinduism.
The thing you mentioned about negativity…another way to see the ideal of the wife being burned alive with her already dead husband, although that is far more extreme, is how in many other cultures, such as American, a man is willing to die for his wife. It is glamorized in the movies, love stories, etc, that they go through the face of a bullet, or in front of a bus, etc for his wife, or children.
Other things you can do is go to Indian cultural events, a few times per year, and in agreement with others, get to know Indians themselves, create a supportive, social network, be involved regularly. Montessori schools are popular in India, and in Europe throughout. In America, I have seen many Indians not only attending Montessori school as a student, but adult Indians teaching there as well.
Again, in agreement with others, indulge your daughter, and yourself, in Indian food, dress, incense, household decoration, etc.
Hope all our advice helps you!
I would echo a lot of what has already been said–I think its great that you are thinking about it. My DS is half Sierra Leonean and my DH…well, he’s pretty typical of the first generation born in the U.S.. He loves his family and his culture, of course, but he is also kind of…resistant to it a little bit. I think the best way to engage your daughter in her father’s culture is for her to spend time with his family and see how they experience their identity. With our son, he eats West African food at his grandparents–the spicer the better. He sees the beautiful dresses and hats that his grandmother and aunties wear to special occassions. He hears them speak Krio to each other and to him. They sing and dance with him and he is able to see all the different ways that people can celebrate their culture–there is no one way to do it. If your daughter can’t be around her father’s side of the family, maybe you could join a cultural group or club of South Indians? Poke around on the internet and see if you can find one in your area. You might feel a little out of place, at first, but it might be a good experience.
I think one of your problems is not that “there is much in Indian culture that is radically anti-woman” but that you attitude towards Indian culture seems to be based in tired over-generalizations. India has a vibrant feminist tradition, and South India in particular has a rich history of egalitarianism. I think showing a little more humility and open-mindedness towards a culture you obviously don’t have much familiarity with would go a long way.
In terms of how to facilitate a connection to her Indian heritage for your daughter, I’d recommend teaching her her father’s language. If her family can’t do that, enroll her in classes. Indian dance is also something many young girls enjoy that incorporates Indian folk stories and thus is very culturally rich. Learning how to cook food from her father’s region would also be a easy, natural way to incorporate her Indian culture into your home.
To everyone who has posted:
Thank you for your interesting and thought-provoking responses. I am very grateful to all of you. Enlisting family is a very good idea–right now a little difficult because my daughter’s health is not good (very sensitive to germs). It’s also a little tricky because her father did not grow up in India–diplomatic family–and her Indian grandfather (his wife is deceased) dislikes India.
In any case, I am taking care of her full-time at the moment, so will try some more home-oriented options for the time being.
To re.sister.with.love and Kavita:
In my letter, I am referring to my own, certainly limited direct experience with South Indian culture here in France.
My research has been largely historical–the gods and goddesses of India, some spiritual traditions (yoga, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc.).
The reason I wrote the letter was to discover more about the culture, not to dismiss it–because I feel, as a half-Cuban who up until recently knew very little about Cuba, that it is vitally important for my daughter to know her heritage.
Thank you all again for your beautiful suggestions.