Written by Love Isn’t enough contributor Julia; originally posted at Nobody Asked You
There is an important conversation going on right now at Stuff White People Do (SWPD). The post addresses the “a common white tendency to attach negative value to brown or black skin, regardless of context or other cues to the contrary.” The author shares some of her own experiences in the post, and readers also contribute their own stories in the comments. These stories are heartbreaking and utterly infuriating. When you read–and, of course, dear fellow white parents of black children, I do advocate that you read–I suggest a tissue in one hand and something breakable to throw at the nearest wall in the other.
It’s not news to me that my son will face this stuff, but reading these personal experiences has brought it home to me in a new way. And it raises one of the familiar transracial parenting questions: how do I prepare him for experiences that I have never had? At a minimum, I want him to come through these experiences alive. But also, I would like him to come through with as little psychological damage as possible, although this seems like a somewhat impossible wish.
My questions are these, although commenters are welcome to pose/answer others that seem relevant:
-Are there ways that your parents prepared you to encounter and cope that you are particularly grateful for?
-Are there things you wish your parents had done differently to prepare you better?
-What other advice do you have about preparing children?
Comments will be open, but trolls will quickly be shown the door.
Thank you, in advance, to all who contribute.
Great convo. Thanks for pointing it out. On these matters, I will defer to my DH. And he’s had his fair share of these experiences. When we were dating the poor guy had to WALK more than a mile in near zero temperatures in Chicago because NOT A SINGLE cab would pick him up at night. Not one. And he was wearing a suit (he flew in straight from work) and pulling a rolling suitcase. I’m sure they thought it contained guns or drugs or something. The same guy has gotten mistake for an employee at nearly every chain big box store, again even when he wasn’t wearing a red shirt and name tag. They figured he was “the manager”. And this happens even in diverse areas. In college (in the south) the cops were called on him and some fellow BM friends when their car broke down–but not to help them, to tell them to “move along”. Police officers repeatedly made him show ID to prove that he belonged on campus as a student–even when he was dressed preppy and carrying a backpack full of books while leaving the library. It makes me really angry and upset that people could see a man that is smart, extremely calm and slow to anger, and caring as a criminal. It boggles my mind. He actively avoids doing anything that might seem “threatening” and it really does not matter a bit. It bothers me to have to teach our son that he has to be more gentle and more deferential in order to be seen as not-threatening but that is the case. I plan to make sure that once he is a pre-teen he knows a) to avoid any appearance of trouble or people that are making trouble b) his rights if the police come. I told my brother (white male) that if the cops ever bust a party he is at to run as fast as he can–there will be no extra penalty (they act like there will be–but my experience both as a teen and as an attorney shows there won’t). For my son, however, I would never give the same advice. He’s liable to get shot [shudder]. I will just tell him that if he is at a conspicuous party with booze and underage kids he would be better off to leave–ESPECIALLY if he is the only POC there. They will target him and I know it.
Sorry for all the typos…getting all flustered.
What makes me especially angry about the type of incidents that have been described is that most of the time there’s no way to “win”. If you comply with an unneccesary search/ ID check, etc. then nothing will change. Authorities will keep doing the same thing. If you resist, it’ll be seen as evidence of something suspicious or a confirmation of whatever is thought of you.
I am a trans-cultural adoptee raised in a white family. My parents tried very hard in trying to ‘educate’ my older, also-adopted biracial sister in black culture ( in Canada, it is very Carribean-based) and my mother would approach the lone black person in the supermarket and talk to them……..hell, my parents tried. I think they thought she was nuts.
What they did a shit job of was racism and defending us against it. I think they thought that by treating us as though we were just like everybody else, backfired – especially living in an all-white, rural envionment. Well, not really, as I became a social / cultural activist because I always knew that the treatment I received was terribly wrong and unfair, but even to this day, I cannot have an honest conversation with anyone ( besides my little sister who is white and a social activst in her own right) in my family. It makes me feel incredibly isolated and alone, but I am also trying to come to terms with that they not only will never understand my experience and I cannot force them to.
Anyway ( sorry for the pity party, it’s been a fustrating day) I think that you have to be honest with your adopted or interracial kids. Life pretty much sucks, most people suck and they are going to not only learn how to cherish themselves and appreciate their, ahem ‘differences’ from the majority, but also, to always speak up against injustice that is directed towards them. I was told to ignore it, and I have spent at least a decade in therapy to repair THAT damage. If you are told to ignore it, the assumption is, is that you are wrong for feeling anger and hurt, but in some ways, perhaps you deserve it because after all, you voiced your opinion instead of just dismissing it.
Also, parents have to trust their children and beleive them, and not trust that everyone else is going to be as colourblind as they are.. My parents beleived a whole lotta racist schoolteachers over me, and it’s a long story as to what happened to me as a result.
Just be realistic about the world you are raising your son in. Yes, be optimistic that no everyone is an ass-hat, but just be realistic. One day your child will thank you for it.
Emma,
Right. I agree.
It reminds me a little bit of a conversation I had with my parents when I was a kid. At some point, they had this really awkward conversation with me and my brother about sexual abuse and rape, and I remember them telling me that if someone had a weapon and could hurt me that I should just do whatever they wanted me to do so that I could stay alive. And I get where they were coming from, but it still seems to me like a really f-ed up message: i.e., what you need to do is to be humiliated, be raped, be shamed, be treated in some horrible way, because all of those things are better than dying. My parents’ message was very much: lose power, stay alive. I’d really like my son to keep power and stay alive. But is this possible? I don’t know.
Montclair Mommy,
Cosign 100%.
For myself, I find the analogy of sexism helpful. My parents did a terrific job raising me and my sisters to have confidence in ourselves as women and to believe that we could do anything we want. Ironically, they did a poor job of teaching us that sometimes people would react to us in a sexist way. As a result, when someone has responsed to me in a sexist manner, I literally did not recognize what was going on. I just thought the sexist person was behaving nonsensically! And while that’s true, it left me ill-equipped to know how to respond. On the plus side, I’ve always seen these incidents as reflecting something wrong with the other person, not with me.
Similarly, I think we need to teach our kids that racism is real and it’s out there, but it’s not a reflection on them or who they really are. Because they are XX race, some people may behave in a prejudiced manner toward them. And we can help equip them with tools and stratgies for how to handle this.
I’m also a big believer in the power of reading. Find books – whether fiction or nonfiction – about how people have fought the injustices of racism, sexism, antisemitism, colonialism, homophobia, etc, etc. Kids respond powerfully to stories about justice and fairness, and these stories can help them visualize what they can do when confronted with prejudice and oppression.
When I was a (*very* white-looking) little kid and would be somewhere with my dad, he got mistaken for being a molester (btw, my dad is the most gentle, laid-back person ever– when I say he “wouldn’t hurt a fly”, I mean that I have literally seen him shoo one outside rather than swatting it). My parents were even stopped when they went to visit my parents in Canada and got held by the border patrol because they thought I was being kidnapped. (My dad is Kalinago, but at that point looked more ambiguous). People are also annoyingly shocked when I refer to some of my Kalinago relatives who are highly educated and successful (engineers, lawyers, businesspeople, etc).
My mom would always point out to me how fortunate I was to dodge a lot of that sort of crap. A lot of the time, I feel guilty that I can avoid this sort of poor treatment just by dint of my skin color, when many of my equally upstanding friends and family members can’t. Then again, I feel like I don’t know what to do, besides being nice to people in my personal interactions.
I feel like this might mark me as a crazy person (my husband sure thinks I am) but I will sometimes color the pictures in my son’s books so that the characters have darker complexions. Of course, I go out of my way to buy books with characters that resemble children of all backgrounds, but there are some books (older books, religious books, gifts from other people) that I feel are a little too…pale. ESPECIALLY Christmas books (my husband and I aren’t religious but both sides of the family have downright BOMBARDED our son with Jesus books…the child has at least 4 baby Bibles). I color little baby Jesus with black hair and brown skin…b/c I think its more accurate. Is this giving him a false sense of the world he’s growing up in (a world where “white” is default) or helping him ease his way in a little bit?
3 boys under 10 have gun pulled on them by a cop:
http://tinyurl.com/y7lb63u
@thelady: Thanks for posting the article.
I swear, why I read the comments to these articles, I don’t know. I think my blood pressure just shot up 15 points reading this idiotic crap. The commenters are on the verge of giving the cop a medal! And of course, the parents weren’t doing their job, were playing the race card, etc.
If these boys were white, other than the fact that this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. If it had happened, they would be up in arms! I hate the fact that black boys can’t just be boys…
I will echo some of the commenters here and just say, be REAL with your kids. Let them know, even if you don’t have personal experience of it, that they’ll face racism. Let them know what it might look like. Let them know that you have their back, and you’re white, make sure they have POC mentors they can talk to.
One of the most damaging things for me was being told constantly to just ignore or laugh off racism. Believe your child. Learn what racism looks like and teach your child that they are worth better treatment.
Also? If you’re a white parent/family? Don’t raise your child of color in an all-white environment. Just….dont.
Katie…you are so right! Co-sign with that, for sure. Racism is real.
Lainad…I completely agree with you as well.