written by Love Isn’t Enough columnist Liz Dwyer; originally published at Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
When I found out I was pregnant for the first time – OK, after taking seven pregnancy tests because I was in total denial- I went through all the, “OMG! I’m gonna have a baby!” feelings most moms-to-be do. But I also started thinking about something not every mom chooses to think about: What do I teach my kids about race and racism in our culture?
I’ve never believed in passively allowing a wholesale subconscious transference to my sons of the racial ideologies we all live with. Instead, I realized early on that I needed to consciously equip the boys with the knowledge and tools they need to be able to rise above and succeed in our culture’s current racism.
They need to know that race is a social construct.
They need to know that racism is a spiritual as well as social disease.
They need to know that because they’re two African American males, people might sometimes treat them in unjust ways, but 1) it isn’t their fault and 2) they don’t have to be suck it up and take it – unless law enforcement’s got a gun in their face. In that moment, they better just suck it up and take it. We’ll worry about speaking up for justice later after a lawyer’s been hired and the gun is put away.
Anyway, last night I had a fascinating conversation with my six year-old, Mr. T, about who he thinks is black. Last time I checked, he’s the only black student in his classroom at school. However, he claims there are other black kids in his class. Oh really?
I love how’s he’s still obsessed with the whole “Pumpkin Plate-Gate” from last Halloween, and he’s more interested in who’s his friend and who isn’t. Except, I highly doubt that these kids from Mexican, El Salvadorean and Guatemalan backgrounds identify as black. I think Mr. T looks at them and looks at his own skin and says, hey, we’re the same color so they must be black, too!
And this is where talking about race with my kids gets to me. How do I explain to my son who is pretty comfortable with the idea that he’s black, and who, in general, is confident and thinks he’s hot stuff for multiple reasons that have nothing to do with the color of his skin, that because of the way race works in America, depending on the circumstance, calling someone black who doesn’t consider his or her self black could end up starting a fight. I don’t like telling him that people don’t want to be identified as black.
Later on I asked Mr. T if he had white kids in his class and he told me that all the other kids in his class are white. Hmm.
I remember teaching in Compton and having students from Mexico with skin browner than my own tell me that they were white. It wasn’t because they spent hours in tanning beds either. Some of them didn’t want to play at recess because they were scared of getting blacker. They begged to stay inside or hid in the shade against the side of the school wall. I never felt like it was my place to point out to them that if they headed over to the Westside of Los Angeles, over the hill to some parts of the Valley, or down to Orange County, a whole host of people would disagree with their self-labeling.
Those Westsiders would disagree with the students in Mr. T’s first grade classroom, too.
The families from my son’s class are mostly immigrants from Mexico, El Salvador and Guatemala. I’m not so sure they’re used to identifying themselves as either black or white, or that they’re even used to this idea that they have to lump themselves all together in one ginormous Hispanic/Latino box – especially when they’re not required to do so in their country of origin.
However, it’s undeniable that there’s a pressure in this country to morph yourself into as close to white as possible, no matter where you come from in the world. In the 20th century the Irish and the Italians didn’t become white overnight. It was a gradual thing that happened… and it was welcomed because if you’re labeled as white, that means one thing for sure – you’re not black.
Of course, we all come from Mother Africa, we’re all one family. But keep it real, operating with that construct is not the way power is distributed in this society we live in. That’s the “one day” racial unity dream we hope we live to see.
In the meantime, we pass along the same insanity, the same sickness, the same labels, the same black = bad / white = good to the next generation – and I feel the need to eventually explain to my son why the kids in his class aren’t black.
How do we stop?
To Liz: This is a beautiful and thoughtful post and the video is an instant classic. You also ask and pose very complex questions.
I think how we stop ” it” is by explaining to our children that as similar as some people look and despite the stupidity of the past, everyone has a different story and a different definition. Ultimately people have to decide for themselves who they are and what they are in the crazy social construct that is race.
The darker Hispanic students you met in Compton may indeed have been “white” in their world and one also can’t be necessarily sure how a whole host of people is going to perceive an ethnically ambiguous looking person (or even someone very “classic” looking) . The straight hair and European features of many Latinos spells “white” to many whites just as your son saw darker than white skin and assumed his classmates were “black.”
Mixed race children (of which many are part Hispanic and/or Black) struggle with this and as perplexing as it may be to many people and boxes on forms it is their choice to be define and label themselves. A good example is Jessica Alba who is often called “mixed race” in the media and in anti-racist circles, recently revealed that a dna test showed her background as just over 87% European. That could easily make her white, technically whiter than many whites” perhaps. Yet, how she grew up, where SHE stands on race and culture, her looks, how she feels about these things makes it her choice to choose her place in the racial and ethnic tapestry. It’s also her right not to be “black” or “mixed” if she feels she’s being incorrectly labeled as such and our responsibility as parents to explain why black is NOT bad in any way to our children.
The over lying issue is that Black has no shades of grey and variations whereas all other races do. Teaching our children that just as there is Mexican, El Salvadorean and Guatemalan, there is in turn Jamaican, Black Amerindian, Kenyan etc
I mean this as kindly as possible and I know you did not mean it as sweeping construct, but “we all come from mother Africa” seems to be an expression that is doing an inadvertent disservice to the anti-racist cause. I think the “one day racial dream” many of us want to live to see has people embracing where they are NOW and where their ancestors came from as individual and unique not part of an ambiguous concept ala we all come from Africa.” I think that expression, which you used beautifully, is sadly taken out of context and used by the racist media to make our cause seem simplistic of which our issues and concerns for ourselves and children certainly is not. Some anti-racists, though not yourself, misuse it too. Just something to think about.
Thank you for your important and well written essay.
My son is from Guatemala, and he calls himself black sometimes. He is only 3, so he really doesn’t understand all the ramifications yet. I’m trying to help him understand the distinctions between races, but it’s hard for a kid to get it.
Errumm I would pull out the history books and explain to him that there ARE Black people in those countries and explain the history of each country before I explain how people from that country view race.
Im not entirely sure I’d correct my son in saying they’re Black.
The Guatamaleans and Ecuadoreans are identified by those labels by nationality not race. And there ARE Black people in those countries.
I would ask him how his classmates identified…and suggest why he identify people by how they chose to identify themselves.
I think you have to go back to where you started. Race is a social construct with social and political ramifications. But race in and of itself does not make sense. Most people, especially and obviously African Americans or Blacks in this country are mixed!!! There some sort of denial about this unfortunately. We tend to look at mixed race as some sort of new thing but it is in fact a very old thing, and enormous thing worldwide, and no doubt in many Latino cultures.
The mixed reality does not help children when they are very young and have very concrete ideas about things. However, parents need to live with the understanding of what the issue of race is really all about and their children will eventually catch on.
It’s painful to see how the world still rejects Africanness in so many ways. But I think it’s important for parents not to reject it if they want their children to be emotionally healthy, loving who they are.
That’s one reason I usually avoid asking someone “what they are” because I can eyeball someone who is black and someone who identifies as Hispanic as looking extremely similar. It’s the culture that’s different, not necessarily the ancestral make up. A 6-year-old is probably a little young to learn the history of it all, but I might say, if it’s true, that you’re African American because your ancestors lived here a long time and you learned different ways of doing things from them and someone whose parents or grandparents are from another country can be of any race but identify more as Hispanic because of THEIR ways of doing things and it’s polite to call people whatever they call themselves. I’d probably add that it wouldn’t be polite for him to ask them about it unless they volunteer that information or they get to be very good friends.
I do not understand what Chris means or intends when he writes “I’m trying to help him understand the distinctions between races, but it is hard for a kid to get.”
I agree with Bob…I wouldn’t necessarily correct your son in saying that they are Black because there are Black people in those countries AND at this stage in his development your son might see “Black” as a reflection of color and not culture. I think its okay for them to grow with that knowledge. But, also, its alright for you to explain to him that not everyone who is the same color as him will identify like he does. That’s why its important not to label people and to let people decide their own identification. Personally, I would hesitate to tell my son that people feel insulted to be called “black” because I worry that it sets up a black = bad connotation in his mind. I guess I’d say that some people are his color but don’t have his same cultural background–so they call themselves something different. I will also tell him that he can call himself whatever he wants: black, African-American, biracial, mixed, a person of color, brown, half-African, West-African, Sierra Leonian and Italian and German, American, etc. That’s up to him just like its up to his friends and classmates to call themselves what they would like. Its hard to give them all the knowledge that they need to be aware of the racialization of our society without giving them too much information for their maturity level. I feel completely unprepared despite all my “preparation”!
I’m with Montclair Mommy. There’s got to be a way to show that different people identify with different labels while emphasizing the positive of their chosen labels rather than the negative of why others might not want those labels (b/c that’s true of *every* label– black may tend to be “negative” and white may tend to be “positive” but there are also many who would cringe at being called “white” and who take great pride in being black/latino/etc. It is very much up to the individual’s perceptions and preferences).
This year I taught a pre-k class that had 1 black child in it. A little girl who had recently been adopted from Ethiopia by an all white family in a mainly white town. I have taught pre-k for nine years and mainly had all white classes where the issue of race was rarely brought up. This year was completely different. Race was very important to this little girl who had just gone from living in an area where almost everyone looked like her, to living in an area where almost no one looked like her. I felt my biggest challenge was helping her realize she was beautiful even though she looked different. She once asked my assistant teacher if she could be white when she grew up. The other kids were fascinated by her and every time we would read a story with a black girl in it they would point out how the child looked like their classmate, which seemed to puzzle the little girl because there were usually noticeable differences. Midway through the year an American boy of latino descent joined my class. The little girl seemed to consider him to be like her since they both had “dark skin”. They boy seemed shocked by that, he obviously didn’t think of himself as dark skinned. My class definitely had an interesting social dynamic going this year. They were all so curious about differences but in a sweet and loving way.
First of all great post!
I am a Black student at a community college in the Seattle area. This past spring we had the author of “The Only Black Student” come to our school and discuss his college experiences. It might be a little too early for your son but you might want to check out his book to gain even more insight on your sons experience. As a white female student it really shed some light on some of the unspoken cultural and social challenges for black students especially black men.
wow, I meant I am student in black studies class, not that I am black, haha. Big difference.
I recently enrolled my child in a private Christain school where diversity is common place at church. Imagine my suprise when my son turns out to be the only white kid in his combined PreK/K class of 15 kids. Now he is being picked on by a group of kids who know each other from the neighborhood. Does religion transcend culture? I am worried about him.
@mommadmd:
Oh no, that’s terrible, especially because its one of the first school experiences. What is the school’s policy on bullying behavior? Have they contacted the parents of the bullying kids? I wouldn’t be worried about him being the only white child in his class if there weren’t for the bullying from the other children who know each other. The worst thing is, there are probably kids in that group that know each other from the neighborhood that would be friends with your child but probably feel pressured by the other children to pick on him. That needs to stop and I think its the schools responsibility to find a way to stop it ASAP. Is there another pre K/K classroom where the troublemakers could be transferred? It might be good for them to have to make new friends anyway…would the teacher consider that? We plan on putting our son in pre school with one of his friends so that he has a buddy—is there still space in the class where perhaps one of your child’s friends could join him? I’m not sure what you mean about religion transcending culture….religious similarities between kids seem to mean little to nothing to them until they are older (from what I’ve seen)…and culture and religion are really so intertwined that its hard to say where one begins and the other ends sometimes. My guess with these kids is that they are used to each other from the neighborhood and maybe their parents are friends because of that as well. Their ganging up together probably has less to do with their cultural backgrounds and more to do with their familiarity with each other–but its still not okay. Preschool should really be a safe place for your son. Honestly, if the teachers don’t take action I would get my money back and put him in school elsewhere because I think most preschools are very good about bringing kids together and discouraging bullying behavior.
Thanks for an honest discussion on race. I have a child who is the only black child in his second grade class and I have thought about writing down accounts where I have experienced racism in the schools. What can I do as a parent and what kind of a plan do the teachers have to address the developmental self esteem related to being black and being the only black child in a white classroom.
My son is in Head Start this year. We both worked part time so we could keep him at home, so this is his first “school” experience outside the home, besides Sunday School. In a class of 20 he is one of 2 white kids. I was suprised and disturbed to find he’d befriended the only other white boy as prior to this he played with the black boy across the street. Two weeks in he started peeing his pants at school (only at school) and saying he didn’t want to go. He’s Never been a pants wetter prior to this. This week he’s started telling me (by name) kids are pushing him down, untying his shoes so the teacher will yell at him, making mean faces at him, etc… He says he doesn’t like his teaches and describes the aide as “the mean girl”. Is it important to mention they’re black as well? I don’t know what’s going on there. His teachers skipped the open house last week. The in-home visit yesterday was skipped. I don’t want my son to have such a rotten experience he comes to view people with darker skin as the enemy or some one to fear. And why did he befriend the only other white kid?
[Hi LeviMama,
I just wanted to suggest that you might get more responses if you post to this Thursday's open thread.
Best, Julia]
LeviMama,
I understand your concerns. I think it’s really hard to say what’s going on, and I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions about your son’s friendship with the other white child *meaning* anything. And I hear your concern about the racial biases that your son may form, but I think the more pressing concern is his well-being. What I find really worrisome about your story is that your son is feeling so anxious (the pants wetting) and that the teachers seem so uninvolved. Not showing up to open house? Not coming to home visits? Big red flag. Also, I don’t think preschool is a place where a child should ever be yelled at for anything, and certainly not for having shoes untied.
I could read your comment to mean that you hold beliefs that bad behavior is to be expected from black teachers and black students. I don’t know if that’s true, but I hope you would examine that belief if you do indeed hold it.
I want to support you in standing up for what your son needs to feel safe, secure, and happy. It’s not racist to stand up for your son if he is not being treated well, even if your son happens to be white and his teachers happen to be black.
I hope this helps.
LeviMama,
In my personal opinion, your son befriended the other White child in his class because he identifies with him–the other kid looks like him. Everybody has a natural tendency to lean towards others with whom they share similarities.
Also, it is not racist for your son to be friends with the other White child, and he’s not friends with the other Black children because they pick on him.
Personally, if I would be your son’s mother, I would take my child out and put into a class where he is well-represented, I wouldn’t put him in a place where he will be a minority.
Also, there have been many, many topics (e.g. 7 out of 28) about parents worrying that their child of color is the minority and they have been all adviced that such an environment is not healthy for their mental stability–the same goes for your White son.
In addition, I would do what’s best for my son, and NOT what might be interpreted to be racist by others, your son’s happiness is the number 1 priority here.
No, no, no! I only mentioned the race of the teachers because he seems to be forming a fear of these particular teachers (who happen to be of another race) who seem to be literally scaring the pee out of him. This is a notion I don’t want him to form. I hesitated to lay out the facts BECAUSE I knew somebody would read “racist’ into it. He had only positive interracial interactions until school, now I’m scared his perceptions regarding race are being unpleasantly altered by those there to teach him and the kids he’s interacting with. I worry because my brother & wife are adopting two Ethiopian children and I don’t want him having negative associations.
You know, I was actually excited he was giong to be a minority at preschool. It’s something I’ve really only experienced a few times but it was a great chance to learn and experience what some go through on a daily basis. If he was happy (and dry!) I wouldn’t have a moment’s hesition having him be the minority in school, but if he’s going to learn to fear those darker than he is, what am I to do? What AM I going to do?
Fair enough, LeviMama. I believe you. I just needed to ask.
Have you spoken to the teachers or the director? I think that would be my next step.
LeviMama, your child is too young for these kinds of lessons, and you’re assuming he is inherently racist. In addition, you’re an adult, he is a child! He’s not going to take the same message as you did (even I, as an adult, wouldn’t).
My advice remains the same–do NOT (I repeat, do NOT) keep in a class where he is the minority.
It’s only going to have negative repercussions not only on his mental health, but also on his self-esteem. In other words, it’s going to damage him.
Your child should be comfortable, he should be happy, he should enjoy going to school and he should be getting an overall good experience–right now, it seems like the poor child is having a nervous breakdown and he really sounds like he is suffering. Why put him through all of that??
PS: Your son is NOT the problem, his fellow students and his teachers are.
Angie,
Personally, I’m not sure that it is inherently a bad thing for a white child to be “the minority” in a larger student body. Could you clarify your thinking on this?
And, although any “minority” group may experience similar dynamics, I think it has to be different for a white student to be a “minority” than for a student of color.
Finally, I’m not sure I agree that the students are the problem. These are preschoolers, after all, who I don’t expect to have very well-developed social skills or manners (and I should know–I live with one. LOL)
Julia,
I direct you to the “7 out of 28″ article that was posted here (http://loveisntenough.com/2010/09/01/7-out-of-28/)
Same scenario, in both cases the children were preschoolers but the response has been different–in that article, the (White) children have been accused of being racist, whereas here, you say that these children do not have very well developed skills. Replace Black with White and the response is very, very different.
And if those children lack social skills, why do they pick just on the White kid, why don’t they pick on the other Black children? They’re being mean to LeviMom’s son because he is White, and that’s completely, completely wrong, and not because they lack social skills.
Julia, it is wrong for a White child to be the minority for the same reasons that it is wrong for a child of color to be the minority.
“it is wrong for a White child to be the minority for the same reasons that it is wrong for a child of color to be the minority.”
But this suggests that the two experiences are equivalent, and I’m not sure that they are. I’m really interested in hearing what others think about this, actually. But I don’t really see how they CAN be equivalent, given the way power and privilege are connected to race in the U.S.
And, with respect, we don’t know why children are being unkind to LeviMama’s son, and we don’t know that they aren’t also being unkind to one another. This may be race-based; it may not be.
Children of this age try out uses of power, and they try out how they can exclude one another in various ways. This is no particularly attractive behavior, but it is developmentally appropriate . It is the responsibility of parents and teachers to set boundaries and help children understand how hurtful their behavior is to others. That is why I feel strongly that the children are not at fault.
The kids seem to be equal-opportunity pickers, it’s not just my son getting pestered. And the teachers raise their voices at all the kids, not just my son and his friend. It’s shouting, wiggling chaos in there (I volunteered a bit there)! I’m starting to think this just isn’t the school for him, which has more to do with the style of teaching than race. My concern is just a generically bad school experience will leave a bad race association to boot! We’ve noticed in the park he initially shies away from black kids now whereas a month ago he ran up to absolutely everybody and shouted “Hi! I’m Levi! Want to play?” He will eventually play with them but he acts gunshy. This is what got me wondering….
I’ve tried to get one-on-one with his teachers but they can’t seem to find the time, the school councelor is out until Tuesday, The home visit lady blew off yesterday’s visit (didn’t call) and can’t be reached by phone still, so short of going down there and making a stink until somebody talks to me I’m stuck waiting until Tuesday. I’m probably WAY over-reacting on the race issue in this matter, but I just don’t want those kind of negative feelings planted so young.
And I bet my son isn’t totally innocent of saying something tart, for the record!
LeviMama,
I concur with my co-editor, Julia. the best thing to do is to talk to instructors at the school to get a firm grasp on what is happening. It is hard to know the next step to take without knowing the facts of the problem.
Angie,
Being “the only” is nearly always challenging–whether you are the only Latino student, only white student or only female student in a classroom. It really doesn’t matter which. It would be easy for any child to be marginalized by the majority in this situation.
That said, I think the experiences of students of color are unique because their context is unique. Students of color exist in a place where they are marginalized outside the classroom and out in the world, which adds an extra burden when they are also marginalized in the classroom. White students don’t have that burden. and I don’t say that to say that the situation that LeviMama describes is not bad or less important or not potentially damaging…just that the situations are different.
I would also add that it is not always bad to be “the only.” I have been the only black person in many educational environments from nursery school to college, and while there were challenges, I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences and the friends I made. My stepson and my nieces and nephews are all experiencing a similar dynamic now. They all attend schools where black people–and students of color in general–are the vast majority.
I think a blanket policy of never letting your child be a minority is not helpful nor easy to execute if, indeed, you are a member of a racial minority in a community.
@LeviMama, I would agree with Julia that preschool is not a place where instructors should be scaring the pee out of your child, period!! If I was in your place I would be alarmed, as well. I completely get what you’re saying about the teacher’s race, as well. Even if you, as the adult, are reading race into the experience where your child doesn’t see it, I would also be concerned about my child making an association between his fear of the teachers and what they look like. My two year old makes associations between people who look similar all the time — he notices that they look alike and it wouldn’t take much of a leap for him to think that they will act alike, too. You definitely wouldn’t want him to develop an association between dark skinned individuals and a negative feeling or experience, I agree. And I would be worried, too, about negative associations with education. You are his mom and you should go with your gut here. If you think its not the place for him, then it is not. You know best!
As for whether its bad for any child to be the minority, I’ll agree with Tami that when you are a minority you don’t always have a choice. I’ll also say that often the articles on this website deal with placing a child who is of color in a majority white environment when that child is also in a family formed via transracial adoption. Although I think its important for all children to attend diverse schools (note: this does NOT MEAN ALL BLACK OR ALL ‘MINORITY’…it means a mixture of all backgrounds), I do think its especially important for children who are the only people of color in their family. I think its important for children to realize that how a person looks does not mean ANYTHING about their background or interests. You can have just as much in common with someone who is of a “different race” as you can with someone of the same race, and more! People that look the same do not act the same or like the same things and I think knowing lots of people who are white, black, Asian, Latin@, Native American, multi-racial, etc. helps people to realize that. Just my opinion.