Written by Love Isn’t Enough guest contributor Liana Clark; originally published at Welcome to the Dollhouse.
I’m a bit tweaked right now. And before I get into it, let me say that I’m glad that my brother is currently not speaking to me, otherwise I know he’d have to attack me again for “thinking too much.” I’m happy that I don’t have that devaluation from my family to deal with as well. Anyhow…
So I’ve just returned from shoe shopping with the kidlet. Normally this is a fairly benign experience except for the managing the kid part. Yet today wasn’t bad at all. We bought a pair of Keen sandals that were a must have because they looked just like her friend Mianna’s pair and had little other drama. That is until I gave my phone number to get my Olly points. Somehow it came up that since we had recently bought her a pair of Lelli Kelly shoes, she was now entitled to their latest gift. The sales clerk told me what it was as she handed it to the kidlet. “It’s a makeup kit cell phone,” she said.
Of course at this point Zara has seen the cell phone and starts asking me, “Mommy can I call people with it?” I’m explaining that it’s a pretend phone while trying to figure out how to get whatever silly makeup they have in there out of the damn phone case thing. Yet I’m still thinking that the makeup must be for dolls since what would any 3 year old need with makeup, for goodness sake?! But as we start walking to Panera Bread, my crafty daughter figures out how to open the packaging. She then opens the phone itself and asks, “What’s this, Mommy?”
Inside the phone are 4 shades of eye shadow and 4 colors of lip gloss. It hits me then that this isn’t some play makeup set. This is real makeup for children to wear! And then my anger level shot to thermonuclear. What in holy hell does a 3 year old need makeup for? And even better, what message do we send when we give beautiful and innocent children such a “toy” for their “play?” Makeup suggests a need for adornment or improvement. My kid is absolutely gorgeous. Her beauty is natural. I don’t want her thinking or believing that she need add anything or do anything to improve on the perfection she was already given. I know that she will learn negative self-image thanks to worldly influences as she ages, but I am damn sure not going to start with this makeup crap at 3 years old. And I’d like someone to show me the 3 year old, or even 6 or 9 year old who looks better with makeup than without.
As much as I don’t like to be overly dramatic or restrictive of the toys she plays with, for this one I had to put my foot down. “Sweetie, you can have the phone to play with, but Mommy has to remove all the makeup inside first. You don’t need any of that stuff on your beautiful face and Mommy is very unhappy that they put that junk in the phone in the first place.”
For her it was no biggie at all. We got home and she handed me the phone to clean out. I showed it to AdoringHusband who sensed my pique. Without telling him the contents, I asked him to clean it out for her.
“What’s inside?” he said, jokingly, “Sarah Palin?”
“It might as well be,” I said, deadpan.
He opened the case and was as shocked as I had been 30 minutes before. “You’re right,” he concluded. “It might as well have been.”
So now, Zizi is out happily playing with the now empty cell phone case. I’ve written my letter of unhappiness to Lelli Kelly. And my brother has undoubtedly discovered a disturbance in the force and will be sending “what’s the big deal” vibes to me from afar. Truth is, to many it may not be a big deal (and I know that it isn’t when compared with our global financial crisis, the oil spill and other major issues). But this is the only kid I’ve got. If I don’t think about the messages she receives, who the hell will? Sorry Lelli Kelly. This was a MAJOR FAIL.
Your reaction was absolutely correct! Makeup is completely inappropriate for kids this age!
The other day I saw a onesie for a 6-9 month old girl that said – I kid you not – “I have to confess I’m sexy – if not, why are you staring?”
Things like that make me glad I don’t have a daughter, maybe not ever depending on how things go in the next few years.
What is WRONG with our society that we have to start sexualizing our girls at 3 years old – or at 6 MONTHS old? Why can’t little girls be little girls?
It’s kind of like the time an old man told my then-5 month old son not to cry because “men don’t cry.” He was FIVE MONTHS OLD. Why can’t our kids be, you know, kids???
I wonder, though, if your three year old sees you putting on makeup – do they want to try it too? I wear makeup, and it’s not because I believe I NEED adornment or improvement, but because I like some color on my cheeks and lips, just like I paint my toenails and fingernails. Any my almost three year old can always tell, and wants to try it too. Now I don’t put any on her, because some instinctually tells me she’s too young, but maybe makeup can be just like putting on colorful clothing. Perhaps by not making it so loaded, we can take some of the power out of it.
Latoya: I wear makeup rarely and when I do it IS because I need adornment. Were I as naturally beautiful as my 3 year old, makeup would not come near me. There are things that I do not mind her modeling, like wearing Mommy’s shoes (though she also wears Daddy’s shoes too), but modeling makeup, bra wearing or other sexualized crap (IMO) is inappropriate for a child of 3.
In my kid’s case, there is no need to adorn perfection. And yes I have mommy-bias.
I think it’s important to recognize that there are actually several overlapping issues at play in a society where companies hand out promotional gifts of makeup to little girls:
1) there is the objectification and sexualization of women: women believe they “need” to focus on how they look in a hypervigilant way that men do not because women understand themselves as beings that should look a certain way in order to emphasize their sexuality and their role as objects to be viewed by men. (makeup is only one item; there are hundreds more from hair accessories to designer clothes to manicures, etc. and drawing the line at makeup becomes arbitrary if there is still a focus on other aspects of a girl or woman’s looks beyond basic hygeine and presentability )
2) There are aspects of racism and other biases at play in our definition of what is actually beautiful, such that rosy cheeks on top of a pale even complexion with bright round – preferably light in color – eyes becomes the ideal. No, a child with makeup is not more beautiful than a child without. But the belief in the beauty of the “made-up” face is but a manifestation of a cultural bias that favors as beautiful those characteristics the made-up face is imitating. (It is not enough to tell a young girl that she looks better without makeup; there also needs to be the message that her darker skin or freckles or small eyes with heavy lids, her very thin or very thick lips are in fact beautiful.)
3) there is a culture of hyper-consumerism which supports the cosmetics industry by convincing women who already believe they need to look a certain way that they in fact need makeup or other products to achieve this look. The hypervigilance of women about their looks has been capitalized on by an industry seeking profit so that the standard they urge women to compare themselves to is not just one of thinness, or nice clothes, etc, but also includes a made-up face for everyone (even people who naturally conform to the ideal of beauty discussed above). (children aren’t the only ones who don’t “need” makeup and it isn’t enough to teach our daughters that they don’t need it while they watch us put it on; it also isn’t enough to teach our daughters that makeup is unneeded when we go out and buy lots of other unneccesary products as well – there has to be an emphasis on really understanding why we purchase the things we do and being conscious consumers.)
4) Children are rushed into adulthood/adolescence via marketing campaigns aimed at selling adult products or their counterparts to children. In order to expand profitable business, companies prey on younger and younger children to enter into this consumer class. (Makeup isn’t the only culprit here – actually, the cellphone for a 3 year old is a pretty big problem too).
5) There is a gender bias in the way that children are targeted as consumers. Girls are particularly vulnerable to the type of consumer products that prey on women’s sexuality because they face a type of double exploitation, as both children and as females. They stand to lose their childhoods and their equality in one fell swoop.
@LaToya, I also wear makeup and I have noticed that my son will “pretend” to put on makeup with the brushes and will “pretend” to shave both his legs and his face to be like mommy and daddy. I am already facing angst on what I will do when/if I have a daughter about play makeup. As a child I loved my Tinkerbell perfume and my colorless “lipstick”. But at the same time I feel torn because I do NOT want my daughter (or my son, for that matter) to feel like they need help to be beautiful. When I really am being honest with myself I can admit that I wear makeup because I think I look ugly without it…and I would hate for my child to feel that way. @Liana, I agree that a toy like that is totally inappropriate for a three year old…my angst is about what to do when my child is 10 or 11 or even a teenager. Can I even argue with makeup when I wear it myself? Should I stop wearing it to set an example? And I do think that young girls definitely bear the brunt of the hypersexualization of children. I have never had to throw out any gifts or clothing my son received because it was too sexual or inappropriate…I have a feeling I won’t have the same luck with a daughter…
This came up in our house for the first time last week. I almost never wear make up. By that I mean I have powder for when my face shines too much just before I got out to a big deal party. That is it.
Even with my minimalist attitude about make up my 4 1/2 (almost 20) year old told me last week that she couldn’t wait to move out so that she could wear make up in order to be beautiful. I e tell her how beautiful she is all the time and yet the culture is sooo strong that tells young girls that women need help to be beautiful. I can’t even imagine what happens with her body image at 9 or 10.
Again, I agree that allowing a 3 year old to play with makeup is inappropriate. All those chemicals are not good for her skin. I also agree that companies should not be handing it out as promotions – I find the cell phone part problematic as well (why do kids need phones??)
But what I’m challenging is the *assumption* that all women wear makeup because they don’t feel pretty without it – that is certainly not the case. I don’t think my toes are ugly without nail polish, but I love to show them off so I paint them bright red. Same for my beautiful thick lips. There are other things I don’t do – like shave my legs – for the reasons @j mentions in her response.
When my three year old little girl sees me doing these things, painting my nails, putting on lipstick or blush, I try to show that it’s not because mommy doesn’t like herself, or thinks that she’s un-pretty, but that she likes to show off, she likes to be a performer, she likes to be noticed because that’s my personality – I’m not a shy person. And neither is my little girl. But of course that’s just one way to be seen and known – I don’t wear very revealing clothing, and made sure her swimsuit was not even a one piece, but rather the tank and shorts. And I’m a scholar who speaks my opinion on many issues, all the time – I’m much more known for what comes out of my mouth than what is on it.
My point is more that instead of generalizing about why women wear makeup, understand the diversity among women in regards to things like makeup and clothing, women who are feminists, and understand gender and sexism but still *choose* to wear makeup and express themselves. And perhaps in doing so, you can find ways to take some of the power out of the makeup for both you and your little girl. Of course she’s beautiful just as she is – so is my nappy haired chocolate-kissed baby girl. But I let her dress any way she wants because that’s how she expresses herself. And when the time is right, I’ll let her experiment with makeup to express herself too.
(Just a clarification…this is “Sarah/Montclair Mommy” and it was above, as well.
@LaToya, I like that way of thinking about it–makeup and clothing can be a great way of expressing yourself. I definitely shave my legs when and if I feel like it, not to impress anyone or because I feel like I have to, sometimes I just want smooth legs! That’s true that as our children get older they might want to experiment with different forms of self-expression. Thinking about it that way helps me to let go of some of my (premature) angst about it.
Now I swear, Latoya, I’m not posing this question to be contrary. But if your use of makeup, nail polish and other accoutrements are simply showing off or being a performer, then why wouldn’t you let your 3 year old wear nail polish (assuming she wasn’t a nail biter), lipstick, etc. so that she can express herself similarly (or in truth, model herself after you)?
The “not good for her skin” reasoning, really doesn’t fly for me as a pediatrician. There are polishes, powders, shadows than can be as easily tolerated by a 3 year old as a 6 year old, 9 year old or 12 year old. Age doesn’t “harden” the skin, per se. And the makeup Lelli Kelly gave was specifically for children, thus, it could have been used. So why not let her be a performer or show off as well if she wants to at 3?
For me, it isn’t an issue of makeup as self-expression, so my decision to not have her use makeup at 3 or 6 is truly about her not needing adornment of this sort when she is utterly perfect. Now as an old hag of 47, sometimes adornment is a blessing!
Liana,
“so my decision to not have her use makeup at 3 or 6 is truly about her not needing adornment of this sort when she is utterly perfect”
But doesn’t that also send a problematic message? I.e. that she is utterly perfect now, but will not remain so?
Also not trying to be contrary. It’s complicated, for sure.
Julia: Ah the complexities of how to frame the changes that come with aging. We begin as perfect (or near perfect) newborns and then transcend through our lives adding the imperfections that come with experience, age and wisdom.
I could see how this might be a difficult concept to explain to the concrete reasoning brain of the 3 year old, but I just put it more into the children=beautiful, pure, sweet, innocent bucket while adults like Mommy and Daddy age and have things happen to them (like she’s experienced my recent foot surgery). So while they may have more owies, marks and lines on the outside, they are filling up their hearts with even more love and joy from the long time they’ve been alive. It’s a nice trade.
So no, we won’t always be perfect on the outside, but our inside can be. That is the truthiness.
Wow, Liana. That is a beautiful response. I will keep it in mind for myself the next time I’m feeling, you know, old.
This topic is interesting for me. I was never allowed to wear make-up as a child until I was 16. It was something that I looked forward to doing (getting my ears-pierced was another) and made me want to do it more because it wasn’t allowed. Once allowed to wear make-up I found I didn’t really like it and I never felt like myself when wearing it. I haven’t worn make-up of any kind in close to 20 years.
I have a sister who does wear make-up and my daughter (she is almost 5) has seen her aunt applying it and likes to imitate that behaviour. She has received kids’ make-up as presents and it is part of her dress up kit. I allow her to wear it when she is playing dress-up and usually wipe it off after a short-time. I guess I just see it as a stage and one I hope she will out-grow just as she will stop wanting to wear princess dresses (all of her dresses have been gifts as well). She also enjoys colouring on herself, head to toe, in washable markers. I just see it as another expression of her creative and artistic self. I also spend a lot of time telling her how beautiful she is and how much more beautiful she is without make-up.
I don’t want to take this discussion too far off topic, but I was surprised to see Liana say that as a pediatrician, she doesn’t worry about the chemicals in these cosmetics to be bad for a child’s skin. My understanding is that many cosmetics and kid’s toys have been found to have toxic chemicals such as lead in them. Many organizations are doing work on this topic and the Environmental Working Group has some relevant research and guides you can check out: http://www.ewg.org/kid-safe-chemicals-act-blog/2009/10/trick-or-treat-how-about-lead-instead/
I support and respect self-expression, but the sexualization of little girls (which I agree this is) is disgusting. And no matter how old we are, if we want to wear cosmetics they should be safe!!
Parker: Let me be clear. I said that it would be as easy to find non-irritating makeup for a 3 year old as is it for an adult. It isn’t that the skin of a 3 year old is much more delicate. Sensitivities exist in any age group.
Now the issue of “toxic chemicals” is one that as a scientist one must approach realistically. Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is an extremely toxic chemical for the liver, yet we use it commonly for pain/fever. The difference, of course, is dosage. The amount of lead ingested by a child with pica eating lead paint and developing plumbism is vastly different from my kid playing with a toy that might have some lead paint unless she is consuming the entire toy. Sure, I’d rather her not have a toy with lead at all just in case she decides to eat the whole thing, but we must be careful not to let the issue of quantity, possibility of ingestion, degree of absorption and other factors convince us that a makeup set (that I would never buy in the first place for my kid) will put her at high risk for lead toxicity.
Yes, it is simpler to avoid the whole thing, but the scientist in me has got to recognize the whole dose/route of ingestion/likelihood of ingestion factors as well.
I hope that explains my position a little better.
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As a kid, I sometimes played with my mother’s makeup.
As an insecure young girl, I piled on heavy makeup to hide what I felt were “imperfections”. I looked like a clown and people laughed at me.
At 26, I don’t wear makeup anymore. My skin is clear and smooth because I outgrew my adolescent acne. My cheeks glow naturally. I have a cute little beauty spot that is natural…no pencil needed.
My only beauty product is a cocoa butter lip balm, besides soap and water.
I still have pretty low self-esteem, but sometimes I think that I’ve become more confident in the sense that I don’t need makeup to feel feminine anymore.
Do I still love makeup? Yes. But I don’t need it. I’ve been called a “Plain Jane” because I don’t wear makeup or earrings, but I don’t care.
I spend lots of time worrying about my hair, but that’s because I still have issues with racist beauty ideals. I’ve internalized other people’s attitudes about my hair.
I don’t have a daughter…hopefully I will someday. I don’t want her to grow up in a toxic culture or in an environment where physical beauty trumps talent, brains, and character.
One of my sisters (same father, different mother) was very girly when she was younger. She had long blonde curls and always wore these cute little dresses. She wore pale pink nail polish and bows in her hair. Sometimes her mom, a former beauty queen, would put makeup on her.
Now that she’s older, a lot has changed. She has dark hair and doesn’t look as “white” anymore…we’re of mixed race. She wears blue jeans. She hates makeup. I’ve noticed that most people don’t fawn over her much anymore. When she was a conventionally beautiful little girl, everyone would tell her how pretty she was. Now that she is a tomboy starting to develop her own sense of individuality, this doesn’t happen.
BTW…I see LaToya’s point. One can be a feminist without giving up one’s version of femininity, if that includes wearing makeup.
BTW…I don’t believe I would allow my daughter (if and when I have one) to wear makeup until she is significantly older. Younger girls shouldn’t be wearing makeup. But if they do, it should be very subtle and natural-looking.
Some lip gloss is fine, if it is clear or in a soft shade of pink.
I don’t have a problem with little girls wearing nail polish, as long as it is either clear or pale pink. Maybe light blue for a more “funky” look, but nothing too grown-up.
That is acceptable in my eyes, although I do prefer little girls with their own natural beauty.
This conversation reminds me of the debate about revealing clothes for little girls. I look at makeup kind of the same way. Where do we draw the line at what is OK and what isn’t?
@Cinnamondiva re:nail polish. My son (just over 3) loves, loves, loves having his nails painted I happy to let him. [I'm not even sure where he got the idea because when he first asked for painted nails at 2.5, I hadn't even painted my own nails for nearly a year.] He chooses all kinds of colours. I will even admit to subtly encouraging it when I need a few minutes to get something (usually dinner) done because it takes me about 2 minutes to paint his nails but he will then sit still with his hands flat on the table for 15 straight minutes.
But … I wonder if I’m giving cosmetics too much power (thanks for introducing this idea, LaToya) over me because I imagine I won’t be so carefree about my daughter’s (13 mos) future interest in cosmetics.
No racism but throughout the past few years on the lelli kelly adverts the little girls always seem to be white I’ve never seen a little black,asian or mixed race girl in any of their adverts it is just totally not fair I know you all might be thinking that I’m talking a load of rubbish and this has nothing to do with what this topic is about but if you were any of the other races u would be thinking the same and I highly think that its not fair could it be that little white girls are much more prettier or the colours would more show up on their skin idk but the lellie kelly agents cud have at least made an effort to put a girl from a different race in one of their adverts instead of making it look racist.