A family searches for a comfortable church home
[This post is the first in a series on the columnist's search for a church home for her family.]
Written by Love Isn’t Enough columnist Annie Avery
For a long time my partner, who is Jewish, and I were pretty smug about not having conflicts from being an interfaith couple.
Then I got pregnant. We didn’t know the baby’s gender and we had an argument about circumcision. She couldn’t imagine not having a bris if we had a son, and I couldn’t imagine subjecting our child to unnecessary pain. Our compromise: if we had a boy I’d get to decide about circumcision, and she’d get to name the baby.
Fortunately we had a girl.
It was a wake-up call to the fact that we did have issues about being an interfaith couple. Looking back I can see that there were conflicts about religion all along, we just chose not to see them.
When our older daughter was three we tried Unitarian, having heard that a lot of Jewish-Christian couples end up there. We loved that church, but only attended a few times before my partner’s job caused us to leave New York for Chicago. At about the same time we decided to pursue adoption. My partner and I and our older daughter are white and we were likely to be matched with a black or biracial baby, so we began preparing ourselves to be a multiracial family. Aware now of race in a new way, it became another factor in our search for a religious home.
The first church we tried in Chicago (Unitarian) was all white. The next (Congregationalist) had a service that was too long. The next (Unity) asked my partner to take our then-five-month-old baby out of the service because her babbling was interfering with audiotaping the service, plus, they sang “People Who Need People”. The next (Unitarian again, but in a racially diverse neighborhood) was racially mixed but lacked energy. The next (Episcopal, with a reputation for being attended by gay people of color) was vibrant and racially mixed, but had fewer then forty people at the service. On Easter.
As we drove through a west side Chicago neighborhood that Easter we passed churches that, to judge by the crowds, housed large black congregations. I was tempted to try one, but wary of the condemnation black gay and lesbian people have experienced in black churches. Our kids would be embraced for sure. I don’t know how my partner and I would be received.
We went to a liberal synagogue for Family Shabbat: a potluck dinner followed by a family-friendly service. The congregation included a lesbian family, several multiracial families, and other black people. The rabbi welcomed me as warmly as she welcomed my partner, our nine-year-old was drafted for the choir, our four-year-old spent the service on a new friend’s lap, and we felt at home.
But I felt a little envious, so knew I was not ready to give up the search for a church. Besides, as genuinely as our new temple community embraces our four-year-old African American daughter, the road for black Jews is hard (see Rebecca Walker’s book, Black, White, and Jewish). I want to give our kids options.
Next up: a Catholic church in a gay neighborhood, which I’m told is a comfortable place for people of color as well as gay people.
Photo Credit: Weidmaier
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Thorn wrote:
I’m white and an atheist and my partner is black and Christian, but when we started trying to adopt from foster care we thought that we should try to find a church home since so many children in care are used to religious families.
We didn’t find the church of our dreams, but for the last year we’ve been at a smallish but spirited nondenominational local church affiliated with The Fellowship where the worship has Pentecostal influences and the services definitely run long, but we’re in a large community of (mostly) black LGBT parents and their children. This gives my partner a worship service reminiscent of what she grew up with as a Baptist plus the good music she hadn’t found at other churches we tried, and for me there’s the focus on social justice work that I find compelling even though I don’t believe any of the spiritual stuff.
In Chicago, I’ve heard good things about the Pillar of Love Fellowship-affiliated church, which like ours is focused on radical inclusion, where people of color, LGBT folk (”same-gender loving” in the parlance of our church), current or recovering addicts, people with HIV/AIDS are all asked to come as they are and participate. It stretched our church a bit to realize that “come as you are” could mean welcoming an atheist like me, but that stirred up dialog that I think has strengthened the community rather than detracted from it.
I don’t want this to sound like an advertisement for the church that we attend; I have some reservations about it even beyond my lack of belief and I have no idea if your experience would be like ours anyway. However, I will say that I think it’s important for me, as a white person, to be in situations where I’m in the minority. In your situation, it could be equally meaningful for your daughter to worship in a context where she’s part of the larger group and you stick out.
It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I know finding a church home can be a difficult task, especially for complex families. I hope you can find what you’re looking for!
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 10:26 am ¶
Sue VanHattum wrote:
Good luck!
You might want to check out the Church of Religious Science. here’s a map of the Chicago area with a bunch of them marked. I’ve attended one in Oakland, and found the racial diversity impressive.
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 10:53 am ¶
Good Karma wrote:
I would highly recommend St. Thomas the Apostle in Hyde Park. It’s a very progressive Catholic church oriented towards inclusion and social justice. The motto is “God’s people in extraordinary variety” and the makeup of the congregation really lives up to that. It is such an oasis for me and my family.
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 12:37 pm ¶
Momsomniac wrote:
Your local UCC is also worth a look:
http://www.ucc.org/
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 1:15 pm ¶
AnnieAvery wrote:
Thanks for those suggestions!
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 3:33 pm ¶
Anonymous wrote:
I have enjoyed reading this blog for a long time now. As it seems related, I would like to offer a venue I have been developing to rigorously discuss race and religion (specifically Christianity). It is designed to be a safe place to voice frustrations with the church’s sordid history as well as to offer hope, encouragement, and strategies for its role in modern racial reconciliation.
You can find it here:
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/
Here are some foundational posts about the journey so far:
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-it-is-important.html
and
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/2010/04/premise.html
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 8:48 pm ¶
Katelin wrote:
Didn’t mean for that last post to be anonymous. Sorry!
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 8:48 pm ¶
Katelin wrote:
I have enjoyed reading this blog for a long time now. As it seems related, I would like to offer a venue I have been developing to rigorously discuss race and religion (specifically Christianity). It is designed to be a safe place to voice frustrations with the church’s sordid history as well as to offer hope, encouragement, and strategies for its role in modern racial reconciliation.
You can find it here:
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/
Here are some foundational posts about the journey so far:
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-it-is-important.html
and
http://bytheirstrangefruit.blogspot.com/2010/04/premise.html
Posted 26 Jul 2010 at 8:49 pm ¶
turtlebella wrote:
It definitely sounds to me like this is quite a journey that you and your family to find a community that you will all feel comfortable, welcomed and engaged. I want to honor that and to respect your particular criteria for finding the right fit. It does sound like quite a challenge!
However, I’d like to address a bit of what is perhaps unacknowledged prejudice in your reluctance to try out some of the churches that you saw on your drive through the west side. I do not want to dismiss the experiences of Black LGBTQ folks in various Black churches and congregations, because I know these experiences are real. Perhaps you have friends who have told you of their experiences at some of these churches? Otherwise, how can you know for certain? I mean, it does sound like you are only going to churches that you know by reputation (or experience of friends, etc) to be LBGTQ-friendly and which are diverse in their congregation. Can you not ask folks in the community about some of these churches with large Black congregations? But to simply assume that you will not be welcome – because some Black folks and some Black churches are sometimes homophobic? – smacks me of relegating all of these churches to stereotype, painting with an overly broad brushstrokes. Especially when your next church is a Catholic church. Which, while this *specific* parish may be welcoming, respectful, and tolerant of LGBTQ folks, the Catholic Church as a whole is certainly NOT. So– the question remains– why are you willing to make an exception for a Catholic church but not a Black church?
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 9:52 am ¶
Gerri wrote:
For nice point turtlebella.
My question is this why do you hold a prejudice against Black churches? It seems like you are doing a lot of projecting in your blog piece, because of one specific encounter. Might want to try a non-denominational church! Some even have nursery’s and children church so that everyone has a good experience.
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 10:41 am ¶
Catherine/Mama C wrote:
This post was a great help to me–as I am also in the process–but not as actively or thoughtfully as you and your family. I agree with the point that it is good for me (who is white) to “stick out” while my son Sam (Black) is in the majority during the (AME Zion) service we have been attending about once a month. The services are very long, but I give myself permission to leave part way through in an effort to keep the experience accessible for him too. (He is 5). We live in Portland, Maine, and although there are some options, I haven’t been shopping around more, since my son’s biological family are also members of an AME church. In fact my son’s bio-grandfather is an AME minister. I want Sam to be comfortable in a church setting, and to be able to make connections in a church setting too.
Now, what I don’t know is if me and my other son (3 and Bi-racial) will also find ourselves making the kind of connections we need there too. Can we too find a church that is offering something to all of us? Thanks for prompting all of this good thought!
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 11:27 am ¶
Umm wrote:
Having gone to AME churches for years. I am pretty sure there are White members of AME churches who have attended for years as well.
Sidenote: MamaC, look up the history of the AME church and you’ll see why your assumption that White people (and biracial people–that perplexes me that you thought this) are excluded from the AME church is very very mistaken. I know lots of biracial families who are AME. AME is also pro-supporting children getting a college education, and pro-charity work via missionaries in African nations.
Look up the mission of the AME church. Do your research. I cannot fathom the AME church participating in colorism and racism by excluding White people and biracial people.
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 6:26 pm ¶
Umm wrote:
BTW AME Zion isnt the same as AME.
The AME churches I’ve attended did not run long. Others may run longer by choice. But the AME churches I chose to attend for years did not have a long service.
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 6:27 pm ¶
Umm wrote:
Having also known lots of Black jews, I am perplexed by Annie Avery’s assumption that Black jews have it hard (or harder than compared to whom?) and thus she didn’t want her children to be Jewish in religious practice.
Racism is everywhere. But one can certianly choose a temple that has a strong number of Black Jewish members.
I appreciate the article though because I do think that any partner in a relationship who has a different religious belief DOES value the beliefs and practices of that religion and will have to negotiate it when they realize they want their child(ren) to experience the same traditions they did at milestone ages, and sometimes run into conflicts between the two faiths.
Posted 27 Jul 2010 at 6:32 pm ¶
Greenebeene wrote:
For the record, Rebecca Walker’s book was not about how the road for Black people is hard in a Jewish religious setting. It was about a whole lot of other things, including feeling like an outsider in a white, upper-middle class suburban setting, where many happened to be Jews.
It sounds like you found a very nice Jewish religious community for your children. I wonder if your anxieties about your children’s future in this community are based on class and value assumptions that the group has already demonstrated to be untrue.
Posted 28 Jul 2010 at 1:40 pm ¶
AnnieAvery wrote:
Thanks for the comments, it’s give me a lot to think about, especially about black churches and the experience of black Jews. I agree, I need to do more research in these areas, and appreciate all the advice and comments that people offer.
Posted 29 Jul 2010 at 8:08 am ¶
dersk wrote:
Interesting that you mention your partner being Jewish but not your own religion – from the context, I guess you’re sort of a generic Christian? If you haven’t found a particular church you’re happy with and you’re not particularly devout (which I’m perhaps incorrectly assuming) why not skip church and do somwthing socally valuable like volunteering instead? You might get alot f the same positive feelngs from that sort of thing.
@Thorn – Inyour place, I’d feel either very bored or very hypocritical. I’m curious -’does the rest of the congregation know that you’re an atheist?
Posted 29 Jul 2010 at 9:08 am ¶
Catherine/Mama C wrote:
@ Umm–I had the flu while posting that–and can see how my words got confusing. There are many white people at the AME Zion church we go to (Yes, I understand there is a difference between AME/Zion, I have another friend who is an AME minister who educated me.) As for length of the program there it ranges from 2-3 hours depending on the Sunday of the month, and if there is communion or not, according to her, and my experience.
We are all VERY WELCOMED there. I meant that is Portland, Maine, the second whitest state, it is hugely valuable and important for Sam to be comfortable, and for me to find a place where I can STICK OUT, and sit in my discomfort around it. Discomfort that comes from ME not from anyone else. Discomfort at being in the minority period, because I am so not used to it. Discomfort because I have so much work to do. Discomfort with my whiteness.
As for connection–I meant that in terms of what the author of the article was articulating. Everyone in our family is looking for meaningful connection. It is not about Black or White, it is about connecting. We don’t attend with enough regularity for anyone of us to make meaningful connection though. (Because as a single parent, I am ill prepared to keep both boys focused enough uiring the long service. I try to find a sitter for the youngest, and just take Sam.) I just think Sam has connected to something deeply familial in his experience there–as he is clearly moved by the entire sermon, and the experience of being in the majority, and seeing as he puts it; “Black Men higher up then everyone else.” But, at the same time he says he hates going to church because it is too long to sit still…
Thanks for pointing to the confusion in my words. I hope that clarified a bit.
Posted 30 Jul 2010 at 10:01 pm ¶
Jeff Drake wrote:
You should check out your local congregation of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There’s a lot of ridiculous misinformation out there—ignorant people seem to like to accuse us of racism, homophobia, and all sorts of completely untenable beliefs—but if you can ignore the unsubstantiated rumors for a few seconds, you’ll find a culturally rich and doctrinally sound organization. I’ve known lots of interracial families in the Church (two of my wife’s siblings families included), and since *every* Church member is an Israelite (whether by birth or adoption), those that already identify themselves as Jews also seem to be very comfortable there.
Don’t miss an amazing opportunity. You can find a local congregation at http://www.mormon.org .
Posted 01 Aug 2010 at 7:03 am ¶
Thorn wrote:
Dersk, I’m not sure if everyone in the congregation knows I’m an atheist, but everyone in leadership does and a large portion of the membership does too. The only person who had a big problem with it seems to have gotten over that, though I was perfectly willing to stop attending if my presence was going to get in the way of others’ worship.
I don’t see it as hypocritical to watch other people worship and think about my own life and (non-religious) belief systems. I’ve found it rewarding to have some time every Sunday for contemplation. I was at first a little put off by people speaking in tongues and so forth, but I’ve decided that it’s not any stranger than praying, really, for someone like me who doesn’t believe there is a god. So these people are doing what they need to do to have the experience they want to have; I don’t have a problem with that and it doesn’t bother me. I don’t sing or otherwise participate, but I do listen to what’s going on and I’m very active in the service work the church does, though again without participating in any of the religious elements.
Posted 02 Aug 2010 at 11:03 am ¶
cocolamala wrote:
i grew up as a member of the CME church, and i hear you on the long services…that is just part of the experience, though some black baptist churches have more abbreviated services.
Posted 03 Aug 2010 at 9:00 am ¶