written by Love Isn’t Enough columnist Bianca Laureano
A reader recently sent in a query seeking advice on how to work with her young son’s sudden infatuation with saying “I have a penis! Daddy has a penis! Mommy has a penis!” She is also unsure how to correct that last bit, because while she is comfortable talking about male genitalia, she is not comfortable saying “vagina.”
I love stories like these about children learning about their own bodies and the excitement they have as they make these discoveries. If only we could find ways to have that same excitement about obtaining knowledge in various forms remain throughout our lives! My first thought is that this is a situation that many parents find themselves in at some point in time with their children. It is normal for young people to have this infatuation and joy about their body parts.
I think one of the most important, and most difficult, components is finding a medium between beginning a conversation about “private parts” and affirming and sustaining that joy for our bodies as long as possible. One of the first suggestions I would make is to affirm your son’s excitement and greet his exclamation with a happy expression and say “that’s right!” or something similar. I have mentioned before about how youth and children pick up on our tone and diction of words and phrases, so be mindful.
You may also follow up the “That’s right!” comment with “do you know the parts of your face?” or “What do you have on top of your head” or something similar that not only allows the discussion to continue but also help move away from the genitals as a main focus when in public without there being harsh or negative reaction.
With regards to correcting him about the “Mommy has a penis!” statement I’d suggest stating in a neutral tone: “Mommy doesn’t have a penis.” There does not need to be an entire discussion about the vulva, but there may be a follow up question from your son such as “Why not?” or “What does Mommy have?” or your son may simply say “OK.” It’s difficult to say what may happen. Your son may want to approach you and touch your pelvis and see if what you are saying is true. This varies and it really depends on the child and their personality. I’d suggest having a response to those three possibilities just in case.
You may say “we can talk about that when we get home.” Another approach that may be useful to help curb your son’s exclamations is to use code words or pet names. I shared a bit about how much I like the idea of code words for youth and children because it gives a level of trust and language that is approved and supported by the family. Here I shared:
“I like this because if your child doesn’t feel safe or needs to get your attention right away there are words/phrases/sounds/ etc. that they know they can use (my aunt has a whistle to get her boys attention and two decades later it STILL works!). I think it also can give children confidence to ask for what they need. For example if you are at a party at a friends house and your child needs to use the restroom and doesn’t know where it is, the child can find you and say “Mommy/Daddy my [insert pet name here] needs help” and you know what he means.”
For example, when your son says, “I have a penis! Daddy has a penis! Mommy has a penis!” you could say “That’s correct, and what did we say we would call it in public?” or “Yes, what else do we have?” You’ll what to remind your son that these are terms and conversations your family has chosen to have at certain times and places. It’s a process and some may say that this is a stage your son is in and that it will dissolve shortly.
If your child is in daycare or at school I would also suggest that you have these conversations with their caretaker(s) or teachers. Sometimes teachers and caretakers make assumptions about children who use proper terminology and see the use of the words as red flags for abuse/neglect/etc. It is good that they are on alert, but it’s difficult to explain things after the fact. I know that this seems odd and I understand the perspective of “I don’t have to tell them what I teach my child.” At the same time, there are just too many times I know and have heard of where things have blown up because of lack of communication and expectations of what was considered “good” or “moral” parenting. Simply saying to a caretaker or teacher “We use code names in our home for our genitals” or “We use the proper terminology for genitals in our home” is all they may need to hear to know what your values in your own home include.
I’d love to hear what other parents have done in similar situations. What has worked for you and your family? Have you chosen to use pet names? If so, when did you introduce them and what conversation did you have with your child?
This is a topic I feel strongly about.
My daughter has been learning the correct anatomical names from as soon as she had speech. She knows the difference between her vulva, vagina, clitoris, labia, anus, and butt cheeks. She knows that Daddy has a penis and testicles.
I believe that if you approach talking about this part of the anatomy differently than you approach talking about the rest of anatomy you are installing… at the least embarrassment and I don’t want her to feel embarrassed about her genitals. Genitals are awesome. (She does sometimes just refer to the crotch if she just means the whole general area and that I’m good with.)
No one has a problem with a little kid saying, “You have an eye!” I don’t really understand where the problem is with a kid saying, “You have a penis/vulva!” Uhm, yup. That’s true.
I have to admit that the Mommy with that question was me! My son is pretty genital obsessed right now. He is forever asking, “Does the train have a penis? Does the crayon have a penis? Does she have a penis? Does he?” Just today at the playground he saw a pigeon and he said, “That pigeon probably has a penis, too.” I always try to respond positively, b/c I agree with you, Krissy, I don’t want him to be embarrassed to talk about body parts. I said, “You are right–the pigeon MIGHT have a penis, if its a male pigeon. Boy pigeons do have penises!” Shortly after having this talk with Tami, I gained the courage to discuss girl parts, i.e.: No, I do not have a penis. I am a girl/woman so I have a womb/uterus (I use both words) and a vagina. Only boys and men have penises (but I still have a hard time saying ‘vagina’ in public so I’ll say ‘Girls do not have penises, girls have a womb and other parts.’ We say both penis and scrotum, but I’m not entirely sure that he knows what a scrotum is. I’m fairly sure he doesn’t know what a vagina is, but he does notice the absence of a penis when our friends that are girls are being changed. “Mommy, she doesn’t have a penis.”
I don’t really want to use nicknames for body parts, its just my personal preference to use correct words. Nicknames kind of creep me out. I will say I have tried the distraction method when he starts talking about penises in public. He’ll say something (usually super loudly) like, “That girl has a penis!!” And I have responded, “No, she’s a girl and girls don’t have penises. But, she has a nose and eyes and feet! Look at her shoes!” It just seems to be a real topic of interest right now, probably potty training makes it more of a fun thing to discuss. I’m not sure he can tell a woman from a man (he doesn’t seem to pay attention to gender markers) in general and we have not focused on that.
I do feel that I can’t have a “talking about penises is private” discussion with him w/out worrying that he’ll feel like there is something dirty about penises. I do tell him that his body is private and that you cannot touch people’s body’s without permission (he is a hugger). I have told him that his penis belongs to him and its a private part but I don’t think he fully understands the concept of “private” yet. Wanting privacy he gets, “private” not so much. But, its hard for me to tell him that his penis is private with a straight face when I frequently have him use his travel potty on the side of the road, in the grass behind the playground, etc. I’m not sure I want him to start getting all embarrassed yet. He’s pretty free with his nakedness right now and I don’t really want to mess with that, you know?
I started with the concept of using correct names but it didn’t seem to work for our family. I told the boys that they had penises and since ‘s’ are not easy to say at 2 years old it became ‘peanut’. I knew what they were trying to say so I let it go and it sort of stuck.
When my daughter came home and the boys were 4 & 2 1/2 they asked why she had 1 butt from front to back I corrected them. They wanted to know what it was called and since I knew that at that age their only interest was where she peed I only named the labia. It was all they could see so it satisfied their curiosity. Unfortunately, the same thing happened with the nickname. Labia became ‘olibia’ which eventually needed to be corrected when my son had an Olivia in his kindergarten class
I will say that for my boys and their interest in the penis I told them at about 3 when they played with it that because it was private they needed to play with it in private places like the bathroom.
My children, a 4.5 yo boy and a 3 yo girl, use penis and vagina. We use it in public and we’ve never used pet names. I think using these names are appropriate for their ages, yet we haven’t yet gotten into more detailed names like testicles or labia. Right now they understand that boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
They refer to them like any other part of their bodies – they want to put lotion on them after their bath, etc. The other day, my daughter told me her vagina hurt – we discovered that she had a wedgie! But she had no issue telling me it hurt, just as if her arm or her leg hurt. Her brother brought her over to me, to let me know that her vagina hurt, I told him thank you, and we went into the bathroom to investigate. I think it was great, b/c I want her esp. to feel comfortable coming to me and not feeling weird about her “private parts.”
My son, who is very interested in his penis right now, I do tell him that it is private, and that when he wants to touch it, he needs to do it in his bedroom or the bathroom. He doesn’t question that, and when he does, I say because it’s private, somethings are private, and he seems satisfied by that answer. My daughter does have the habit of yelling out whenever we’re in a public bathroom together that mommy has a vagina like her, but I don’t sweat it.
To clarify – just me and my daughter went to investigate her hurt vagina. Her brother stayed outside.
An aside from a biologist: pigeons actually don’t have penises. Birds mate by what’s called the “cloacal kiss,” bringing their cloacae into close contact.
That’s why it’s so hard to sex baby chicks.
I’m all for biological accuracy. =)
@Ruth: Learn something new everyday! I think I won’t explain that to my son until he’s older, though!
@LaToya: Glad to know someone else says things like that in public bathrooms as well–I get “Mommy has NOOOoo penis!” Recently, he has also been talking about wombs (I’m pregnant and I tell him that I have a baby in my womb/uterus) so the other day at the store he saw a man with a large belly and he said, “You have a womb!” to the man…luckily the man did not hear. I corrected him by reminding him that women and girls have wombs.
My chicas have always known the correct anatomical terms for all their body parts but I also encourage self-labeling/naming especially since we talk about body sovereignty alot.
It was real fun when my then 6 year old wanted to call her vulva her pussy and then “bob”.
I would agree with previous posters that we also use the correct anatomical terminology in our household. We think it is important to understand their anatomy and not to be shameful about certain areas. In the day in age of rampant pedophillia and the like, the court systems won’t take a child seriously if they call their privates, “tee-tee” , “toot-toot”, pee-wee etc.. I do agree there is a time and place for certain conversations. I like the idea of making sure they understand that in public, our codeword is this and in the house it is regular talk (not everyone wants to know, that mom’s got a vulva and dad’s got a penis) kid’s gotta love them
Thalia is 22 months old and knows the word for vulva (sounds more like “vu-va” at the moment). It was her fourth word (after mama, dada, and poo). This is probably because we have a song for diaper-changing time that features vulva, bum, pee and poops. But anyway, not long after she learned “vulva” she started pointing/patting her vulva and then pointing at me and saying “Mama?” and then to her dad “Dada?” Just like she does when we say “Where’s your nose?” or any other body part, she loves to point these things out on all her family members, sometimes including her stuffed animals and dolls. Whenever she says the thing about “Dada” with regards to a vulva I (and my husband) just calmly, matter of factly say, “Daddy does not have a vulva. He has a penis.”
Not very long after that she actually *noticed* Daddy’s penis after his shower one day and was clearly intrigued. She also does point to my vulva and announce joyfully “Vulva!” Which she also did in a changing room at a lake beach recently. We have decided, as a family, that for the moment we are not discouraging talk in public about vulvas/vaginas/penises. It drives me personally nuts that our culture is so taboo about it so I try not to laugh or shush Thalia when she joyfully yells “Vu-va!” It’s definitely a challenge sometimes though- after all, as annoying as I find it, I *have* internalised our taboos!
But I do often follow up with asking things like, “Where’s your rodilla [knee in Spanish; we are bilingual/trying to be bilingual]? or something like that.
Thanks for the reminder, Bianca, for talking to Thalia’s daycare providers about the fact that we refer to genitals by their proper terminology. Now if I can only figure out how to say it all in Spanish (our daycare providers are bilingual but actually much more proficient in Spanish and I try to push my Spanish proficiency but of course I have the Spanish of a five-year-old, mostly, and my mother NEVER referred to our private parts with ANY words, Spanish or English or code words!
For the folks who feel uncomfortable talking about the vagina–why not try vulva instead? Most of the time when a small child is talking about female anatomy they aren’t talking about the vagina (the internal bits) anyway, they want a word for the part they can see. Labia/clitoris is pretty specific and probably more so than most people want their toddler to announce in public, but maybe vulva is less awkward?
I find that people in public think it’s pretty hilarious when my toddler says, “Make sure my vulva is clean!” I try to grin with them because I know that these stories will make me laugh for decades to come even if they are slightly awkward in the moment.
Just this last weekend we were at an awesome outdoor music festival. Coming out of a blueroom with my two year old daughter, I passed a nice large group of people just as she exclaimed, “Mama! You have such a big penis!” I have to say, it was a great moment, for everybody.
@Devon: Holy crap, that is hilarious! I will be chuckling to myself about that all day. I’m so glad my child isn’t the only one who loves to discuss ‘private’ parts in public!
Some mommies do have penises, and some daddies have vaginas. Just wanted to make this point. For my children, this will enter into conversations we have about genitals and gender from an early age.
I typically read LIE for interesting posts on “raising a family in a colorstruck world” but since this post doesn’t directly address the blog’s usual topic I don’t feel like I’m derailing to make this comment.
I came to LIE (at the time Anti-Racist Parent) through Racialicious, where folks are usually pretty trans-sensitive/trans-inclusive. I hope that we can be the same here.
@Paul, I have thought of that. One of my good girlfriends from childhood is dating a transgendered man who will not be having surgery. But I’m not sure how to word that so it fits with his two year old mind and I was planning on discussing it when he was old enough to understand that gender is not always so cut and dry. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this issue. How have you worded this to your children in a way that they can understand at a young age? We definitely discuss how there is no way to tell a man from a woman (which is why gender markers elude him right now) because everyone looks unique. But, I’d love to hear more of what you think!
Just curious to know when a child discovers their belly button. My daughter is almost 15 months and she loves looking at belly buttons on my husband, herself, and my button. She calls it a ball. My disguisting mother threatened to call child services because we are teaching her about anatomy. She makes me feel dirty and makes comments about my husband going to the bathroom or changing in front of our child. I believe that a child should learn and they love to learn from their parents. Please help me! I feel like a sicko.
Natalie,
What your daughter is doing sounds completely normal to me. If you read the other comments here, I think you’ll see that children get interested in various parts of the body at different times.
And I imagine this is a matter of personal preference that differs according to what feels right to you, but I have never worried about using the toilet, showering, getting dressed etc where my son might see me.
I can certainly understand why your mother’s comments make you uncomfortable, especially if you only comments on your husband’s behavior. It’s as if she is suggesting that something inappropriate is going on there. And threatening to call child services must feel like a real trespass on boundaries (you are the parents and entitled to make choices about how you raise your daughter) and hurtful, as if she doesn’t trust you to know what’s best.
I think your parenting is fine, but if I were you, I might seek some counseling or other support that will support you in setting boundaries with your mother and figuring out how to handle her undermining of your parenting.
Good luck.
@Natalie: wow. Doesn’t she remember when her child(ren) discovered the bellybutton? I mean, hello, you can’t hide it from them! Who else should teach them about their anatomy but their parents? Honestly, I’d rather my son learn from us than from kids at school or, G-d forbid, a stranger! In my opinion, children need to learn words for their body parts (anatomically correct or otherwise, depending on the family choice) so that they can express themselves about their bodies and so that they can feel ownership and pride about their bodies. Your mother sounds like she has her own issues that she needs to deal with–how terrible that she would say that! You are doing nothing wrong by talking to your child about her body!
I think changing and going to the bathroom in front of a child is a matter of personal preference. But, I will say that I know a lot of parents and all of them shower, go to the bathroom, and change in front of their child(ren). Its often a matter of necessity (can’t just leave them alone), besides its a normal part of daily routine. Everyone does it, why make it a secret? Plus, when a child is potty training, its important that they see that his or her parents use the toilet because that is what you do when you grow up. I’m sorry that your mother made you feel like your very normal parenting was unacceptable. I think she has a problem and she is making it your problem and that is not right. Hopefully she is more supportive in other areas of your parenting?
I’m dealing with the curiosity issue with my 4 year old son. I was a little surprised when we walked in on him exploring and he became embarrassed. He didn’t want to talk about it. My only concern is that there was an external influence that sparked his curiosity. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it with mommy or daddy generates fear in me that someone (old or young) at school has been talking to him about it. Anyone have any suggestions to squelch that concern?
And by the way for our family, boys have “misters” and girls have a “misses” which won’t be come a “mrs” until she gets married!