written by Love Isn’t Enough contributor Liz Dwyer; originally published at Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
Mom blogger. There’s a whole lot of mom bloggers these days. But what is a mom blogger?
Is she a mom that writes tips about the best stroller and how to save money on groceries? Or is she a mom that’s thinking about how she’s the first educator of her children and how she raises her kids to solve the issues of race, class, gender equality and all the other social problems of this world?
I don’t want to read about strollers. I want to read about how do I raise my child with the social and spiritual mindset, skills and knowledge to be a productive member of society?
My boys go to summer camp and on Wednesday they took a field trip to Zuma Beach. I figured the most exciting thing to happen would be a jellyfish sighting. Unfortunately, on the bus ride home, one of the other campers, an older 13 year-old boy, decided to slap my nine year-old , Mr. O, and hurl some racial epithets his way.
I had to figure out how to respond to that, and in the long run, how I deal with that will mean more to my son than what stroller I bought him or what babyfood he ate.
That child that slapped mine and called him racist names learned that from someone else. Someone who’s an adult. Someone who is probably a parent. If that parent chose to raise their child with an attitude of racial unity instead of an attitude of racism, prejudice and being a bully, the interaction wouldn’t have happened.
To all you moms out there – and all you dads too – kudos to those of you who are talking to your kids about the equality of all people. Thank you for thinking about that and talking about that instead of the fleeting material things of this world that ultimately do not shape our children into the adults they need to be.
Thank you for writing about it. It means more than the stroller posts ever could.
Mom blogger. There’s a whole lot of mom bloggers these days. But what is a mom blogger?
Is she a mom that writes tips about the best stroller and how to save money on groceries? Or is she a mom that’s thinking about how she’s the first educator of her children and how she raises her kids to solve the issues of race, class, gender equality and all the other social problems of this world?
I don’t want to read about strollers. I want to read about how do I raise my child with the social and spiritual mindset, skills and knowledge to be a productive member of society?
My boys go to summer camp and on Wednesday they took a field trip to Zuma Beach. I figured the most exciting thing to happen would be a jellyfish sighting. Unfortunately, on the bus ride home, one of the other campers, an older 13 year-old boy, decided to slap my nine year-old , Mr. O, and hurl some racial epithets his way.
I had to figure out how to respond to that, and in the long run, how I deal with that will mean more to my son than what stroller I bought him or what babyfood he ate.
That child that slapped mine and called him racist names learned that from someone else. Someone who’s an adult. Someone who is probably a parent. If that parent chose to raise their child with an attitude of racial unity instead of an attitude of racism, prejudice and being a bully, the interaction wouldn’t have happened.
To all you moms out there – and all you dads too – kudos to those of you who are talking to your kids about the equality of all people. Thank you for thinking about that and talking about that instead of the fleeting material things of this world that ultimately do not shape our children into the adults they need to be.
Thank you for writing about it. It means more than the stroller posts ever could.
About Tami
Tami Winfrey Harris writes about race, feminism, politics and pop culture at the blog What Tami Said. Her work has also appeared online at The Guardian’s Comment is Free, Ms. Magazine blog, Newsweek, Change.org, Huffington Post and Racialicious. She is a graduate of the Iowa State University Greenlee School of Journalism. She is mom to two awesome stepkids and spends her spare time researching her family history and cultivating a righteous 'fro.
My daughter, Tiyamike, is starting 5th grade in a much larger school in a couple weeks. Thanks for reminding me that along with buying notebooks and lunchboxes we need to have to talk about how to deal with prejudice.
And thanks to LoveIsntEnough.com for reposing Los Angelista. I need to subscriber to her blog!
I don’t believe you can place all the blame on this 13 yr olds parents….Some fault has to lie in the tv shows, video games AND music kids are watching and listening too…..
I’m curious if you ever went to this 13 yr olds parents and talk to them about what their kid did to yours….if so, what was the outcome?
[Editor's note: I think the problem the author is pointing out is that this teen's parents do not seem to be having any sort of dialogue with him about racism. Otherwise, it seems likely that he would know better, whether he heard/saw something equally heinous on tv, etc. or not. I find this part of your comment, frankly, derailing. We don't need to have a debate about who is to blame. -Julia]
How painful for you and your son! Reading about it made my eyes tear up (I’m also an emotional pregnant lady, but still). I just don’t know what I would do because I would be so hurt for my son and so angry! What did your son end up wanting to do? Did he want to go back to summer camp or take some time or not go back at all?
PS. bc I don’t know that I can edit my other post. But thank you for writing this. I guess I was defensive bc I don’t think I, myself, want to get blamed if my daughter has a racist comment someday that I, myself, think is totally out of line.
I am constantly thinking about race and how to be healthy about it. I think admitting racism EXISTS is one of the most important things we can do, as parents, and that our children may be victims, and then in turn survivors.
Mostly, what I get from your post that you are a great parent bc your child CAME TO YOU. I hope that with every ounce of my being my daughter will come to me if/when that happens to her.
Thank you again for your post, and I am sorry I seemed so ungrateful in my other post.
[Editor's note: Mer, I am only going to publish the second of your comments. See my comment below for my reasoning.]
Okay, people, no more comments about whether the teen’s parents are or are not responsible for their son’s racist behavior. That is, I think, beside the point. And I’m not going to publish them.
If you feel you need some help to make sure your child doesn’t turn into that teen, by all means, speak up. I think we’d all agree that’s a worthwhile goal.
Otherwise, could we please stay on topic? A child has been hurt. A mother is doing her best to help. Could we please talk about that?
Huh. The exact thing (minus the slap) happened to my 8 year old today. I asked him how he handled it (he was called “white meat” by somewhat older kids in his majority African American day camp). He said he ignored it, which seemed okay since one of the dynamics has been kids trying to rile him up (he can be a bit sensitive to chaos and rule breaking). I am sitting here with my partner trying to decide how much of a big deal to make of it. I know kids try out different language, sometimes in hateful or ignorant ways. I am thinking that perhaps I should ask the camp leader to remind his counselors to police things a bit more.
I gently mentioned it to the camp leader, and added that my son didn’t see the counselors (teenagers) as much of a resource in situations because according to him they use a lot of swear words themselves. There are a bunch of reasons I didn’t make a bigger deal of it (last day of camp for my son, etc). But for this was an example of where all the educating on the part of parents won’t necessarily prevent still immature kids from trying out lots of words on each other. And I hoped (though was not specific in asking for this) that the camp leader will focus on getting his counselors to model better behavior.
@ Jake, I am trying to get a handle on what happened to your son. Did the boys curse at him or call him white meat? Do you see this as being as serious as being slapped and called the n-word? I’m just curious, as I could not tell what all happened from your post. What did the camp leader say?
Again: My kid reported to me that the other kids were making fun of him because he’s white. When I asked what that meant he said they kept saying he was “white meat” and cursing. Not clear if the cursing was AT him or not. I didn’t really ask or expect the camp leader to say anything for the reasons explained in my post above. And he didn’t.
When children are made to feel unwelcome and unsafe because of their race, there has been a failure. Obviously I would have been much more upset if my son had been hit as well. He has reported a lot of shoving etc, but I have no reason to believe it is racially motivated. Which is more serious? Is that the point of this thread? Not for me. I was sharing my son’s (I thought relevant) story. I am hoping Sarah’s very different responses to the two stories aren’t an indication I misread the point of this website.
I’d certainly be interested to hear what others in similar situations did. I guess since this is a cross post we won’t be hearing an update from OP.
Jake,
“When children are made to feel unwelcome and unsafe because of their race, there has been a failure.”
This is true.
I would talk to your son’s teacher to try to get a clear picture of what is going on. “White meat” surely sounds like there is some racial bullying going on. It will also help to know how much of the rough play you mentioned is related. Is this happening to all children or just your child. Getting some clarity will help you know how to address the situation with your child. There is also work the school/teachers need to do to ensure that classrooms are comfortable for all children. Any child that is bullying-particularly if it is combined with violence–needs to be dealt with.
When I was pregnant I thought a lot about how I was going to raise my child into sensitivity and respect for difference…to be aware of her ‘whiteness’ and the unearned privileges that attend to that. Lately I think I’ve fallen out of touch – become lost in other facets of being a mother. As if there are other facets separate to that. Your post calls me back. Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry it took hearing of your son’s experience for me to wake up, again…so saddened that he, and you, had that.
Tami,
Thanks for the advice. Fortunately this hasn’t come up at his school (where he is also in the minority, but where the demographics are much more multidimensional). I wonder now if I should have been more active in my response. But I will certainly be ready next time.
Jake,
Yikes! That’s what happens when you read a comment one day and respond much later.
Even in the camp scenario, I would follow the same steps, though. I think parents have to be diligent in calling out damaging racism wherever they find it. We can never really protect our children from it–it exists in the world. But we can lessen the damage and set a good example.
IMHO, I’d ditch this camp all together if indeed the camp counselors use “a lot of swear words.”
First I want to say these are MY thoughts, not the thoughts of the site. Secondly, I’m sorry for making you feel like I didn’t think your child’s situation was serious: it is. I do think you should stand up for your child and respect his feelings. Helping him to come to a solution that works for him and makes him feel empowered is important. I know I made you feel that I think the two scenarios are very different–I don’t think they are VERY different, but I do, PERSONALLY (this is just my PERSONAL opinion, NOT the opinion of the site) find them to be different. I was just trying to get a handle on what you were saying, because I get the “Well, that happens to white kids, too. Black people are racist towards white people all the time. ” a lot and it gets to me, because I (again, ME, not the site) feel sometimes parallels are drawn where they are not warranted. I feel like getting called the n-word and being slapped is very very serious and I have heard experiences like those dismissed and compared to being called a “cra*k*r” many times. I’m sure that is not what you meant. You said “the exact same thing” happened to your child, and I PERSONALLY, was not sure that I felt it was the “exact” same thing.
Don’t get me wrong: racism should be called out. I plan on teaching my child that NO ONE should be set aside or judged because of their race. It can hurt any child to be made fun of based solely on their race. I can empathize with your child. As a white child who went to a very diverse school, I was bullied and called names based on my whiteness many (MANY) times when I was in school. And pushed and tripped, etc. It was serious, but there were plenty of places where I could go where I was no longer the minority. I didn’t feel unsafe everywhere. I never got that feeling that everyone was going to judge me because of my color. I never felt like the way people thought about me as a white woman would keep me down in more serious ways like getting a job or getting arrested despite not having done anything wrong. I worry that that IS the situation for a young black male and that’s what makes it different. Its not AN experience of being set out because of his color, but its just the FIRST experience and it will likely happen again and again and again. And not just with kids but with adults and institutions that have a real say on his life (like police officers and mortgage brokers and the court system). I don’t mean to derail, but I couldn’t not make that point.
Again, these are my thoughts on the matter. I think as parents we need to work together to combat all forms of racism. My heart aches for your child at being bullied based on something he can’t control (his skin color). I hope that you are able to work through it in a way that is healing to him.
Weighing in as moderator here:
We would like to articulate some core beliefs of this site that we will explore at greater length in future posts (stay tuned!).
-We do not believe that white people can be victims of racism.
-We do believe that white people can be victims of prejudice.
-We believe that both racism and prejudice are harmful. However, we do not believe that a white person’s experience of prejudice is equivalent to a person of color’s experience of racism.
-We do not believe that suggesting that a person of color’s experience may be more difficult than a white person’s experience is playing so-called oppression olympics. White people, after all, are not oppressed.
For all of these reasons, we do not buy the “racism goes both ways” argument, and we will not publish comments that make that argument.
Megan,
I would email you directly but cannot as you did not provide an email address. Please feel free to email me if you would like to discuss. I think you are misreading/misunderstanding.
For the record, Sarah and I are both white, and we both consider ourselves to be allies–that is to say, we try as hard as we can to be allies, though we may not always succeed.
My email is julia.nobodyaskedyou@gmail.com
Liz, I appreciate your approach to what happened to your son. I’m sorry that happened to him, and even sorrier that it won’t likely be an isolated incident. I’m biracial, and experienced ugly words and hateful epithets hurled my way as a kid. It hurts, each and every time. I’m glad that, as a parent, you’re choosing to teach your child about equality, and how to work through and look past these painful situations. I hope other parents follow suit.
Jake,
I want to be clear that my comments above about “racism goes both ways” are not meant to diminish what happened to your son or the concern that you feel about that incident.
I feel for your son–having been in similar situations as a child–and am glad to hear of the steps you took to address the situation. Although it sounds like the director did not take your complaint seriously, which would certainly give me pause about that particular camp. How does your son feel about it now? Do you have the sense that he would feel like he knew what to do if a similar thing happened in the future? I wonder if role play would be useful…
Please do tell us how it goes if you feel comfortable.
Sarah/Julia:
I am familiar with the distinctions often drawn between hate speech as experienced by people of color and by white folk. In retrospect I should have been more careful not to set off alarm bells by using the inaccurate term “exact thing.”
That said, I am disappointed by your heavy handed stomping on commentators on this thread. First you tell folks that they can’t talk about the potential causes of hate speech/actions by teenagers, because it doesn’t fit into what you think the OP point was. Then you disrespect me and my son in your rush to make sure the ideological point is made clear. I don’t find your qualifications days later that “oh right and by the way, sorry about your kid” to be all that sincere.
I would ask that you think about what kind of environment you are fostering on this site. It doesn’t feel all that safe to me. Perhaps you could listen/read with a more open hearts and police a lot less.
Peace out.
Jake
[Note from Tami: Allow me to jump in here. Jake, our moderation policy is the result of years of past experience and the wishes expressed by the LIE community. The fact is, there are very few places to safely discuss race and parenting on the Web. Indeed, this may be the only one. We had reached a point about a year ago where moderators and fellow readers were spending copious amounts of time arguing with people who don't think that racism and race bias exist or who do not believe in the core tenets of this site. That is not what we want this place to be. Many of our readers and their children are marginalized out in the world everyday; they don't need that here. And so, we have become more vigilant in our moderation. We make mistakes sometimes. But all in all, I think our community has been improved. I am sorry that you disagree.
I truly believe that no child should endure racial bullying and I attempted to answer your question honestly and truthfully. I wish you all the best.]
Hi Jake,
If I had it to do over again, I would respond to you much sooner. As it was, I thought you had received good advice from Tami so I stayed quiet. Then, after I expressed our feelings about the “not going both ways” argument, I worried that you would interpret that comment–meant as a broad statement of our beliefs for everyone–as an attack on you, so I wrote a comment to you to attempt to clarify what I felt about your situation.
I am sorry that you feel that you were not heard or respected. My empathy was sincere. I clearly remember being in your son’s position and I wish that I had had a parent who was as concerned and involved.
Wow! I’m stunned! This purports to be an open forum where people can inteligently discuss issues of oppression, racism and parenting, but when all is said and done, the moderators don’t allow any opinions or positions that differ from their own. What a load of bullocks!
Hi Elton,
We do indeed feel that this is a place “where people can intelligently discuss issues of oppression, racism and parenting.” I think you will find just such discussion in the comments following most of our posts.
I agree, however, that I was heavy-handed in my moderation of this thread, and I apologize to you and other LIE readers who felt stepped on or condescended to. I feel like my tone was particularly problematic.
For example, I wish instead of saying “no more comments about whether the teen’s parents are responsible,” I had said: “it saddens me that people are concentrating on who is to blame for the teen’s behavior, and have just skipped right over the fact that a child has experienced something awful, and his mother is doing her best to help him. It worries me that the primary response here isn’t empathy for the child and mother, or outrage on their behalf.” That sort of statement would have been much more conducive to productive dialogue.
I also think I could have delivered our stance on the “racism goes both ways” argument more gracefully. However, I do absolutely stand by the decision to set this limit. As Tami mentioned above, it is critical that LIE remain a place where race and parenting can be safely discussed; to ensure that safety, it is necessary to make common derailing strategies off-limits.
**Please note, my comments about moderation are about **my own comments alone** and not those of my co-editors.
I think the difficulty that new readers, such as myself, face when posting comments on this site is that the core beliefs essentially require you to critically evaluate and/or censor your responses to posts based on the skin color of the participants, whether described in the post or in your response. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, it can be a very revealing, albeit potentially uncomfortable, mental exercise.
However, it does come off very heavy-handed, even disingenuous, when the original post is not really about racism, it’s about bullying, as was Jake’s comment. That’s not to say that race wasn’t involved and we shouldn’t be talking about it! But, if you reread the original post a child is bullied, a mother questions how to deal with it and whether it would have happened at all if the offender had better parents. These are things that happen to parents and children regardless of color. You could easily substitute the word “fat” for “racial epithets” and the situations are nearly indistinguishable. It’s not consistent to drag institutional racism and historic oppression into school-kid bullying, which is a huge problem, but not necessarily racism since all the participants in this case are children. I think it’s inappropriate to assume that a 13-year old was motivated by much more than a desire to hurt someone using whatever words/differences he could assemble. Surely we can agree that parents and environment are more responsible for a child’s actions until a little later in life?
I going to go way out on a limb and say that I think the original author intended to discuss her (adult) response and feelings regarding the incident. Parents feel intense pain when their children are hurt, emotionally crushed, or stripped of dignity. How you react to your pain is a huge part of parenting and is biased by your own experiences, perspective, and beliefs, which are not necessarily helpful to your child. How do you sort through that mix and give your child a consistent, loving, and productive message? Moreover, how to you deliver that message all the time and not just in response to a crisis?
Case in point, my six year old son got off the bus Tuesday crying because a third grader grabbed his arm, said some racial things, and told him to “get his face off the bus”. He was hurt, physically and emotionally. I was hurt and angry. I can’t know the details but it had something to do with my son telling people he was going to see Avatar in 3-D (a little lying by my son to impress people?). The offender is white, he’s black (bi-racial), I’m white.
Like the other parents describing a bullying story here, I’m not arguing that race didn’t play a role because clearly it did. I’m just torn and confused about what to say to my son. I consoled him – he’s OK, might not even think about it anymore. The bus driver knows, the problem has been “solved” by all accounts. BUT, how effective was I as a white parent if I only addressed the racial epithets in passing? How much am I leaning on the status quo, which is terrible in my community, by making the responsible adults aware but not aggressively making my feelings known? For that matter, how much of my response was me releasing anger and how much of it was constructive and what does that teach a 6-year old about dealing with conflict? Worse yet, he kept repeating the “face of the bus” line as the most hurtful and didn’t seem bothered by the racial slurs!!!! Yikes.
If I could participate in a discussion, I’d want to focus on where/if we draw lines in the sand, what are my options for dealing with this – not just in response to this incident, but everyday so that the next time it happens, which it will, he and I are on the same road together.
The post and responses by the moderator and author don’t really address this. The post reads like the ventings of a hurt parent and the discussion seems to embrace a mentality whereby individual experiences with racism are a valid framework for teaching our children. Isn’t that exactly what some of us are struggling with? My experiences with racism do not form a valid framework (as nicely laid out in the core values!). Ya’ll need to spend a little more time framing a productive discussion and a little less time “limiting derailing strategies” if no one was on the rails to begin with.
@Chuck, you brought up a lot of things in your post and I think that I am often, like you, torn and confused about what to say to my son. I think that this, particularly, is a great discussion: how much should we as parents say and how much does our reaction play into how our children feel about incidents of racial bullying? For example, if you had focused on the racial parts of the bullying with your son and those things weren’t what hurt him the most, would that have made him feel like he should be upset and maybe it could have made him even more upset? I feel like I would have done what you did and taken my cues from my child about what hurt them. Maybe it depends on age as to how much I would discuss it with him? I am really not sure and I think I’m still learning every day. I struggle with this a lot as a white parent of a biracial child: if I focus on the racial implications of an incident that is over my son’s head, am I making it harder on him? Like you said, I also feel like I want to deliver a message of unconditional love and acceptance for him and not just in response to crisis. I think doing that is another good discussion point. How can instill self-esteem and pride in our children so that they can, in the future, eventually deal with these incidents without our help?
I agree that a major topic of the post is dealing with bullying, but I would disagree that the original post was more about bullying than racism and bullying intertwined. The OP made the topic of the post “I don’t talk about strollers; I talk about race” so I would argue that the original post was originally about racism. It seems, for her, this incident was not the same as her son being called “fat.” I actually do agree with you that being made fun of for being white can feel pretty similar to being made fun of for weight–but I don’t really agree that being made fun of for being a minority (for being Asian, for being Latin@, for being black, for being LBGT or not fitting into a gender role) is the same. I disagree with you that kids cannot be racist or perpetuate racism. Yes, young children are just parroting but that does beg the question: WHO are they parroting? And if they are parroting their parents and grandparents and the media, etc. then it does really bring institutional racism and historical oppression into the mix. I feel like individual racism against minorities is always tainted by that history (and by the current racism in our institutions) and it doesn’t really matter if the child making the statements knows that. That child isn’t even really the problem, per se, they are just a symptom of a larger problem. And most of the time, I agree that they don’t know any better. But, I think its more about how the child hearing the statements feels afterwards; children that are members of a minority group that is constantly slammed by the world around them might start to BELIEVE the nasty things that they hear, particularly if they hear them over and over. I agree that the kids bullying might just be trying to wound however they can, but if the child is hearing that same message from the media and from the world around him or her, I think it can do lasting damage. So, I think you are right that, even in our hurt in the aftermath, we need to be thinking about how we can build up our kids so that there isn’t any lasting damage.
Plus, how terrible is that that a bully would think of nasty things to say to a child and think that calling out their ethnicity is as insulting as calling them ‘stupid’ or ‘ugly’. Kids have learned that it can be hurtful to make fun of someone’s race. How sad!
Forgot to say, above, that this is just me talking and not LIE! I think maybe I should use my old user name when I’m commenting just on my own thoughts? Who knows. Anyway, Chuck, you gave me some food for thought re: constructively responding and whether anger should be expressed and what my response teaches my children. Sigh. :/ Parenting really is a difficult job…
as a white mom married to a black man with three kids I have to say that I am glad the moderators presence has been made known. There is NO place I can go with other women that understand, and get it. I am sorry I want a place to go where I am not responsible for educating anyone about race. I want to go and vent, and be honest and know that people get it. I educate people all day, every day about race even if is in a moments passing i.e “yes they are my kids, why do you ask” I want a safe place and an understanding place. So keep up the good work