Dear LIE,
I’ve been on-and-off following LIE for awhile now and I have a question. I am a white 19 year old who grew up in a small town in Connecticut where we had maybe one family in the entire school system who wasn’t 100% white. My parents are both white (and are divorced).
My dad is an extremely friendly and accepting person- I’ve never seen him seriously treat anyone different due to race (we moved to North Carolina 4 years ago), most of the ‘racist’ jokes he makes are towards the British or Scandinavia/Iceland. I don’t believe he has any obvious prejudices towards people of color (although he might).
But, like most of white USA, he is unaware of his white privilege. And it’s gotten worse lately, I think because of the Dr. Laura thing. He makes comments about how “If [white people and people of color] are really equal, why can’t white people use [the n-word]?” (yes, he says the word while saying he isn’t allowed to say it) and he believes that “affirmative action” is code for “reverse racism”. He’ll also make jokes about how annoying PC terms are by, when a waitress asks if he wants white toast, he’ll say “The term is Caucasian American” or when the word ‘black’ comes up doing the same thing with African American instead- and I don’t know if this is bad or not, but I still think they’re in poor taste. And, because it’s generally to a waitress, its not like the person can tell him if they have a problem with that. I don’t think he means any harm, but he’s just… “blind” (to use the currently accepted terminology).
My dad and I have never had the relationship where we talk to each other- he’s extremely accepting and if I have a problem I can ask for help, but we don’t really talk to each other that much and I really don’t know how to talk about this because it gets me pretty upset. (probably not as upset as someone who actually suffers from ideas like this, but it makes me so angry to see people who think like this)
Is there anything I can do here?
-False
From co-editor Julia:
Hi False,
Thanks so much for asking such a good and difficult question. This is something I struggle with myself. What I would suggest first is that you get more clear about what you would like the outcome to be. So, for example, do you want him to stop making such comments in your presence? Do you want him to gain a better understanding of his own privilege? Do you want him to understand how you feel when he makes such comments? All of these outcomes suggest different approaches. Although, of course, you cannot control the outcome because you cannot control his response. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that limit going in.
I would also encourage you to think about your fears about the worst-case scenario. It may be helpful to prepare yourself in advance for how you will feel and how you will prepare yourself to respond if he fulfills your worst expectations. Also, keep in mind that this conversation does not have to be the last conversation. You can always return, and sometimes people will surprise you in their capacity to change.
I know I have not actually answered your question, but I hope I’ve provided some helpful thoughts on preparing.
Readers,
What would you advise? Have you had such conversations with family and friends? What was the outcome? Are there any ways of approaching this kind of conversation that might be more likely to result in a better outcome?
Oh hon – I feel for you. I’m the biracial Pinay daughter of a white man and my Pinay momma, and I know how tough it can be to have these kinds of conversations.
I would definitely take Julia’s advice on figuring out exactly what your goals are for bringing it up, because she’s right in that it will affect the strategies you’ll need to use to address it. For example, my dad knows better than to be completely homophobic in front of me, but if he makes a remark anyway, I tend to counter it with something positive; if he says “I just don’t see why they have to be so campy” I shrug and say that I love camp and genderbending and by the way, he was the one who introduced me to Rocky Horror so he has no room to talk. It reminds him that there are opinions other than his in the world and doesn’t require the kind of in-depth Teaching Moment that I think he’d get defensive about.
Granted, we’ve never talked about race issues. It’s – too personal, and I don’t see any good coming of them. Maybe it’ll be easier for you and your dad because you’re both white and have a perceived degree of distance from the issue.
Either way, good luck, and godspeed – I hope things turn out well.
Hi, False,
This is *such* an important topic; I think the most significant anti-racism work in the white community is with our friends, relatives, colleagues and acquaintances who are kind, well-meaning folks yet don’t have a clue about white patterns.
To me it sounds as if your dad is just asking for a hand in understanding this stuff. All those awkward jokes about race show that he’s trying to figure out how to make sense of it. And you, who love and respect him and want the best for him, are the perfect person to offer your hand.
You have a great foundation to build on in your love and respect for him. You see that he is a person of goodwill – “an extremely friendly and accepting person.” This is a great place to start.
You could begin by just casually opening the topic of race, by being truly curious and taking any opportunity to ask him what his early experiences were. “When’s the first time you noticed that people were different races?” “Did you know anybody of a different race growing up?” “What was it like for you during the Civil Rights movement?” “Did anybody in the family talk about race when you were growing up? What did people say/do?” etc, etc. Anything to get him to share his stories.
The most important thing is to LISTEN deeply. This is your dad whom you love and you want to know him better. You’re also looking, like a detective searching for clues, for what happened to him. How did his attitudes and his discomfort about race form? Even if the stories are painful to you, remember that your dad’s patterns – his blindness – is neither his fault, nor is it truly *him.* He was raised in a racist society that systematically taught him those patterns, and if he could see a better way, he’d be doing it. The blindness is probably not willful or intentional; much white bias is unconscious.
If you get really angry and jammed because he says or does something you just hate, find a friend to vent to until you can find good attention for him again.
Gradually over the course of many conversations you can begin to offer other ways of looking at things. You can share your experience and how it’s different from his. Affirming and appealing to his basic goodness (“I know you’re such a kind and friendly person and I know you wouldn’t want to hurt someone else” or however you’d say it), you can let him know, from your heart, how some of the things he says and does make you feel, and why this stuff matters so much to you. It could be very helpful to share how you’re exploring and what you’ve discovered about your own white privilege and what you’re doing about it.
This process goes better when we respect the other person and reach for their core goodness. It doesn’t work so well when we feel self-righteous, on a mission to show people where they’re wrong so we can fix them. A clue to how you’re doing: if he’s talking a lot, you’re doing fine. If he gets defensive, then somehow he’s feeling judged and you may want to back up or try another approach.
Useful framings: “Isn’t it funny how white people …?” “Here’s what I’ve noticed about white people: ______. Why do you think we do that?” “That’s an interesting idea/thing to say/perspective. Where did that come from?” and a little later: “Can I suggest a different way of seeing that?”
Don’t be afraid to use humor, if that’s natural in your interactions with him. As one NCBI (ncbi.org) trainer put it, “Racism can be heavy stuff, but working to free ourselves from it doesn’t have to be.”
As you might imagine, this is a long process, an unfolding conversation and a commitment to someone you really care about. It can be heart-breaking to see how deep the stuff is, but the process can be profoundly liberating. On the way you get to build a deeper relationship.
I once attended a children’s book conference where I met the reknowned African-American illustrator Tom Feelings. I was very involved in antiracism work, somewhat self-righteously, so I complained to him about how difficult it was to try to get white people to change their attitudes around race. His response: “You’ve got to love them to it.”
Good luck with this great endeavor! I’d love to hear how it unfolds.
I am coming at this from a different perspective because I have “a horse in the race” so to speak. My daughters are Chinese and therefore it was imperative that I learn about white privilege and racism for their sake. False’s father has no personal reason to learn about white privilege except to be a more aware person.
However, I will say that simply reading Unpacking White Privilege was the catalyst to looking at things differently. It will always be a learning process but it started me on the right path to being aware.
Maybe False’s can request that their father read it and just ask what he thinks of it. It might open the discussion without making it personal immediately. It will eliminate the awkward and ultimately frustrating “that bothers me” conversations until after a foundation for thinking differently has been laid down.
I feel for you, False. You pretty much described most of my male relatives and, probably me in high school. I think its great that you are thinking about these issues and I also think that Julia and the above readers gave great advice. I especially can relate to what Anne Sibley O’Brien said about maybe opening the topic casually. I’ve done that with my dad and younger brother and found it helpful. I also agree that if you find yourself getting really angry and frustrated you should take a break before you say something you regret. Come back to the topic later and hopefully you gave him something to ponder in the meantime. I have definitely found myself in conversations that could have turned nasty if I continued them and I’m glad that another relative was there to change the subject. Honestly, sometimes race is such a loaded subject that I think its one of those topics that has to be revisited several times over a long period of time to really make any progress. I find that with me I am still learning every day.
I also loved Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack, as a reader mentioned above (not sure if I’m allowed to give a link, but its very easy to find online so I think its okay…):
http://www.nymbp.org/reference/WhitePrivilege.pdf
@Lovepeaceohana: Its so interesting that you say that because I also have an easier time addressing homophopia in my family members than race. Maybe it is because I take issues of race so personally that I tend to get emotional and angry and I have to leave the conversation? Or it might be because my family doesn’t tend to bring up issues of race around me because they know how I feel? I don’t know. But I do find that I have no problem confronting family members about LBGT issues and I have no problem getting into mini arguments about it. I actually have had some really productive and logic conversations with my parents and aunts and uncles about LBGT adoption and marriage. I think the key is me being able to remain calm and that is harder for me with issues of race b/c I get into “defending my child” mode.
Thanks for the question, False. Its a great one that I am always pondering!!
Ideally, “all of the above”. But I suppose the best option would be that he stop saying such things to me.
I think the “worst case scenario” is that things stay as they are and he brushes it off as whatever- but I have extreme conflict avoidance problems so even though I logically know that there’s not a particularly bad outcome, I have a really hard time bringing it up. Which is another issue entirely.
“To me it sounds as if your dad is just asking for a hand in understanding this stuff. All those awkward jokes about race show that he’s trying to figure out how to make sense of it.”
I don’t think so- when he talks about white people not “being allowed” to use the n-word (by using the n-word), he seems serious.
He’s said the same thing about sexism- that if men and women are treated equally, women can’t use menstruation as an “excuse” and talks about how women voted against their own right to vote. (I don’t know the historical accuracy of that) A few times he’s brought up how apparently his school voted on women’s equality (or something) and apparently the women agreed to drop it because of the cramps thing. Which, to me, suggests that enough of them have enough pain that they really can’t ignore, and/or didn’t feel that their voices would be respected by the school if they tried to speak up about these concerns (and I’ve seen quite a few women who had a genuine medical problem that caused literally crippling monthly pains).
But it seems, from the way he talks about it, that he takes it to mean that oppressed people would rather reap the “benefits” of oppression than fight it, so they can’t REALLY be oppressed. Sex equality isn’t the same as race issues- but because he’s also talked about how it’s not fair that a university has to turn down money earmarked for white students but can for students of color, I think it’s not completely different with him.
Sarah- I’d imagine it would be harder with things that are personal. With LGBT issues, for you, if people brush you off and disagree with you you aren’t as directly effected. If someone is racist, your daughter is. I tend to take things way too personally- if someone’s close-minded or bigoted about one thing I imagine they can be about something more personal as well. Probably doesn’t help that most people are completely unaware of things effecting me- so if they’re close-minded about one thing, they’ll probably be close-minded about that.
Wow, Anne! great post. My parents are similar to False’s dad and it can get awkward. They are always complaining that I bring up race all time, but I feel like I am in a good position to help educate them so I want to keep trying. I appreciate your words, Anne, on approaching parents in a way that is more accessible, that can educate without seeming insubordinate/disrespectful.
I don’t know. For starters, in your shoes I would have asked my father whether he brought up the n-word argument because he wanted to use the n word without incurring negative consequences for it. And if so, why? And then I would have said it hurts me to ever have to think he would want to demean people who are black because of feeling he has the right to use a demeaning word like the n word about them.
I usually don’t discuss politics with family members in the interest of avoiding hurt feelings. I once told one of them that expressing similar opinions made him sound like an ignorant redneck and I know he is a kind, well-educated man who shouldn’t want to sound like that. I don’t think it had much of an impact. He’s your dad, you probably aren’t going to change him in any substantial way and I think there’s a power imbalance there in any relationship with a parent. The most I’d say to your dad in this situation is to ask him not to say things like in your presence because you don’t agree/it makes you uncomfortable/might make him look bad to your friends, etc. and you really don’t want any hurt feelings in your relationship with your dad, whom you love and respect. Then leave it at that. Don’t discuss it with him, don’t raise the subject, leave the room if he begins talking about it. He will know you disapprove and will hopefully stop saying things in your presence.
Andrea, me too! (I once told a ex boyfriend that expressing opinions like that made him sound like an ignorant redneck, that is.) To my surprise, it actually worked — not to change his mind or heart, but at least to stop spewing ignorant crap around me. I over-heard him correct his younger brother when he was saying something similar; he told him “Hey, we’re farmers and people already think we are ignorant rednecks. When you say stuff like that you prove their point.” I was pretty shocked. But yeah, it didn’t change his mind, just the stuff he said out loud (and maybe even just around me and my friends). Sigh.
Dear False
I want to commend you for your clear, heartfelt understanding that what he says is wrong. You know when his position is wrong even if you don’t have the argument against it and I want to praise you for that. That purity of heart, that innate sense of justice or injustice is what is most powerful in this conversation. It is from this place that you will build a way to speak up, a way to live your life. The fact that you know of this site and had the courage to speak so honestly about this personal issue speaks to your character. These conversations about race are at best uncomfortable at worse frightening and few have the courage to speak openly as you have. I applaud you.
When I was 19 I had a similar experience, but about homophobia, not racism. Having participated in the Civil Rights movement, my dad’s pretty conscious about race issues (we were at the time an all-white family, but 15 years later our family now has several black members through marriages and adoptions).
But he had very clear ideas about the wrongness of homosexuality that had originally been grounded in religion, and now that he’d given up on his childhood fundamentalism, he’d created new quasi-intellectual reasons not to accept gays and lesbians which clearly revealed his own unrecognized privilege as a heterosexual male (eg “Gay relationships aren’t healthy because it makes one man submissive to another,” –so it’s ok/natural for women to submit, or apparently being the penetratEE instead of the penetratOR makes one somehow inferior; and “I don’t care if some guy dates another guy, I just don’t think they should have to TALK about it,” never mind that heterosexuals can.) I think some of your dad’s one-liners may be coming from a similar place–rationalization of what’s essentially a race bias.
Anyway, one day on a multi-hour drive back to college, I confronted him about it. We got into a huge fight in which he claimed he was absolutely not prejudiced, just worried about them embracing their disorder and upset about them wanting “special privileges.” And this was well before anyone was seriously talking marriage rights–we’re basically talking about the right to not be fired!
The conversation ended with him storming home and me in tears and us not speaking for weeks and never bringing up the subject again for at least five years.
But he also never said things like that anymore. And years later, he’s pro-marriage rights, is welcoming of a gay in-law, and criticizes homophobia he observes around him.
I guess my point is that if you have the conversation it may not go well at all. It may feel awful at the time. I think I’d only recommend it if you’re not living at home anymore, so you aren’t picking at each other about it for the subsequent months.
But it may become the catalyst for him to work for himself through the issues you’ve raised, a process that may take many months or years. You have to be patient, but conclusions are vastly more powerful when we draw them ourselves.
Better he get started now, though, than when you or your sibling someday introduces a new member to the family who isn’t white!
False,
good job reaching out! First and foremost keep working on yourself, and your feelings regarding race. You clearly understand many of the nuances and complexities and are interested in helping others in their own personal growth. So, don’t lose confidence in your feelings and “gut instincts.” Keep educating yourself.
I think that your dad’s love for you might be the key. For instance he is hurting someone he loves speaking like he does-you! How he speaks makes you feel uncomfortable because it goes against everything you believe. Talk to him about how you feel, how it offends you how it makes you sad. At least start from there, once he can put himself in your shoes regarding issues of race he may try to put himself in the shoes of people of color. Good Luck