written by Love Isn’t Enough guest contributor Tonggu Momma; originally published at Our Little Tonginnator]
Last year I completely freaked out the first time I walked into the Tongginator’s kindergarten classroom and saw only two children of color in a class of 20 students. It took my husband – calm, rational Tonggu Daddy – to talk me down from my obsessive “we are ruining the Tongginator’s life” mantra. I mean, we live in the Washington, DC area… it’s not like our area is completely lacking in diversity. And it’s not like it’s too late to make changes for our family if, in fact, we do need to make changes.
The husband urged me to consider the big picture.
So I did. I took a deep breath and looked around me. And what I saw was one kindergarten class that did not match the overall diversity of the Tongginator’s school. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the school isn’t as racially diverse as I would like it, but it also isn’t terrible. The Husband and I also work hard to expose the Tongginator to more racial diversity outside of school, most notably through our Saturday morning Chinese culture classes. Plus, while our county is about 75% Caucasian, we live close to two more diverse counties, one of which is 62% Caucasian, with more than 12% of the population Asian-American, and the other which is only 28% Caucasian.
I decided to wait it out… to take it year by year… before freaking out again.
This year the Tongginator is one of seven children of color in a class of 28 students. And I’m left wondering… as do all parents who adopt transracially… how much diversity is enough? Where is the line? Is this area racially diverse enough? Or do we move in order to ensure more diversity? In one of the neighboring counties, the middle and high schools are some of the worst in the state. And, unfortunately, we seriously cannot afford to purchase a single family home in the other neighboring county.
Besides, neighbors like ours are worth their weight in gold. Not to mention the fact that we live just down the street from a Chinese-American family that is ALSO an adoptive family.
I think fretting about diversity is part and parcel with being a parent that adopted transracially. Last year I felt confident in our decision to stick it out. And this year? I don’t know. My insecurities came to the forefront when we dealt with that whole “Chinese food looks like throw-up” comment. The school handled the situation beautifully, but still… I can’t help but think that such a comment would never have occurred in a more culturally diverse school.
Seven. Out of 28.
How much diversity is enough?
As a white parent who heads a non-profit whose tag-line is “ensuring fairness from the classroom to the boardroom” I struggle with this very question myself. We opted to move to a less diverse neighborhood of the Bay Area (much to my continued consternation) so that we could afford a proper backyard and some warmer weather. I strive every day to come up with ways for my children to experience a more ethnically and racially diverse environment and am working to befriend the few families of color at their pre-school (we have only been there for 3 months). I know it’s a different experience than you, but I have the same thoughts and concerns.
If you can think about the situation in reverse, perhaps you’ll have your answer. Are you okay with a lack of diversity if your child is in the majority?
I’m very committed to making sure my daughter grows up knowing and interacting and being friends with children and adults of color, besides her immediate family (we are multi-ethnic, bi-racial/latin@-white). I tell you this because I want you to know that I’m not dismissing your concerns and your own commitment to making sure your child feels safe and welcomed. And I can totally imagine myself thinking as you have that maybe a more diverse school would be better.
But I’d like to challenge the idea that a more diverse school will *automatically* solve the problem of racism among the children or even among the staff. I’ve just finished reading “The First R: How Children Learn Race and Racism.” It’s pretty compelling research about how even in a diverse preschool, children can re-create, reaffirm the racist and race/ethnic-biases that are pervasive in our society. I don’t know all the details about the incident that you guys have already lived through, but I’m not convinced that a more diverse school community *alone* would have prevented such an incident. The preschool profiled in the book is pretty diverse, the staff is committed to a curriculum of tolerance, embracing diversity, etc. and all kinds of racially-motivated interactions occur among the children and even between teachers & volunteers and children or parents and teachers, etc. I think there is also recent research that shows that exposure to diversity alone does not automatically create an anti-racist ethic among the children (or the adults, for that matter). I can’t remember the exact research or where to find it, maybe some one else can chime in. It’s probably somewhere here on the site. When I have an extra moment, I’ll try to search for it. I don’t really know you but it may be that you aren’t only using the numbers of diversity to make your decision, but…I wanted to throw that out there. Possibly you’ve already read the book and the other research out there about this, and if this is true, I’m sorry to subject you to my long dissertation here!!!
So, even in a more diverse school, we as parents will have to be on top of things, working to address race-based incidents. Personally, I believe that we also have a duty to fight racism in our society overall since that’s the society our children are growing in and into.
This probably doesn’t help answer your question. I think perhaps considering other questions may help. Like how did the school work with you after the Chinese food / vomit incident? What is there diversity curriculum like? How do they address learning about race and racism, currently and historically-speaking? Is your child happy, learning, thriving there? What does *she* want?
My daughter is not school-age but long before she was born we moved to a very diverse area where the neighborhood school is predominately children of color. Whether she attends the neighborhood school (which is a very good school despite the fact that 4 out of 5 children come from families living under the poverty line…challenging the notion that poor kids of color just can’t thrive or even be moderately successful in school that seems so pervasive these days) or another school in the public school system depends on what we think she needs out of a school and where we think she will thrive. Diversity will certainly also play a roll, I’m not interested in her being the only child of color or even one of a few. But the other questions I’ve posed will also be important.
I’ve gone on and on. But I hope some of this will be helpful to you and to all of us who are wrestling with these same questions. I for one am happy to have LIE, a place where I can wrestle with these ideas.
@ turtlebella: I couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for in my search…I know what you mean, I feel like I’ve seen something about how diversity isn’t enough fairly recently on this site or another. But I did find the following, which are pretty interesting….
http://loveisntenough.com/2009/05/06/on-organic-vs-proactive-diversity/
http://loveisntenough.com/2007/06/19/do-white-schools-make-white-kids-racist/
Thanks so much everyone, for sharing your thoughts.
@ Hillary – actually, I don’t think I am okay with that. I was a military brat growing up, attending many diverse schools. I really want there to be a wide variety of races, religions and lifestyles represented in her classroom. Because that is the way the world is, for the most part. And that was one of the greatest gifts I have from my childhood.
@turtlebella – you actually gave me lots of food for thought. The truth is – her kindergarten teacher handled everything beautifully and also worked hard to create an inclusive environment with diversity within the curriculum. It remains to be seen how her first grade teacher will do (week two). I’m not sure about the administration, but only because we haven’t needed to go to them for anything, since everyone has been so proactive. Very good points, for sure. I think it’s still a wait-and-see situation. Did we have one very wonderful teacher? Or is this the way all of the faculty and staff are?
i too am often revisiting this issue. as a multi racial and trans-racially adoptive family, i want my children to grow up really knowing, socializing with, and caring about children from diverse families. for school, i look for at least 30-40% (we live in a major city)… but that is definitely considered a high threshold and often unattainable. i just try to think forward (not too long now, my oldest is 11) to dating and the social world of teenagers and not being locked into or locked out of one race or another.
i also went to a viewing of “the prep school negro” earlier this year and started a conversation based on a statistic i head that night… that the critical mass number for diversity is 15%. the professor who shared it, said that “The work that has been most helpful to me is Rosabeth Moss Kanter’s _Men and Women of the Corporation_. She generalized her scholarship to include racial
diversity, as well, and has a book and a film called “The Tale of O” — on difference in the work place. But this is where I was first introduced to the 15% critical mass idea.”
but on that same night, a senior from the most racially diverse quaker high school in the city shared that she felt like the number of african american students was way too low… and the number of AA students at the school was exactly 15%.
so while the research might hint at 15%, my guess is that for a child of color, it’s likely higher. one of the things my friend with a daughter born in ethiopia has done, since she lives in a suburban area of a major city, is enroll her daughter in a class (dance, in this case), further in the city where almost all of the students are african-american. this way, her daughter experiences what it’s like to be the majority.
Thanks, Sarah. Those are interesting. Here’s another one I found from earlier this year…
http://loveisntenough.com/2010/01/25/is-a-diverse-environment-enough-to-innoculate-children-against-racism/
Idont know…I myself struggle with the notion that diversity alone will expose a child to different cultures.
To what degree do children bring their own culture to school if they are one of a few within a cluster of children of color?
Tongga Momma, what if your child’s self esteem depended on going to school with children who shared your child’s race?
What if your child felt out of place around children of his/her race because of lack of exposure despite being at a diverse school?
Who went to schools in the States where there was Black history month versus Black American’s contributions to American history was an active part of the cirriculuum throughout the year? Or schools that discussed racism in the context of history to now, versus only history (giving impression that racism is a thing of the past)?
I went to both types of schools and to this day I feel I was nurtured and taught with materials that reflected that Black people were a part of America (I’m Black) than in predominately White schools, and even schools that were racially diverse but not neccessarily diverse in cirriculuum.
I think we need more than just faces in the classroom who are of different races. Unless of course our child is friends with children in those classes and active participants in those children’s lives at home (as friends or family friends), or in places of worship where child worships with children he/she knows from school, et cetera, I find diversity risks being superficial.
“I see diversity at school/in my neighborhood” versus “I know people personally who are from diverse racial backgrounds, I am a part of their lives and they are a part of mine intimately.”
I dont see how diversity by skin color alone means that a child is being culturally enriched in school. A school has to reflect the children attending it, if its a diverse school (just as it does a non-diverse school)
I don’t see how a child can’t help but notice he or she is still outnumbered even in a diverse school, and still is the “other” in that school when the diversity is simply a handful of POCs of different racial/ethinic backgrounds.
This is why I totally understand why American parents who are of Chinese ancestry would put their child in Chinese school, or Americans of Jewish background putting their child in Hebrew school or getting their child involved in things that are culturally Jewish, despite going to regular schools where they may not be many children who are Chinese American or Jewish American.
I think that despite diversity, a school that is pre-dominately ANYTHING is what will set the cultural tone of that school.
I also think that young children of color are so vulnerable to concepts in the world that teach them that their value is less than that of White children, that I do think that there are cases where the focus shouldn’t be on diversity but the core values and cultural ideas being taught in that school.
Is the child of color being taught that people who look like him/her contributed so much to our country’s history and country’s present?
I am assuming it has to feel disorientating for some children of color who are in schools that are diverse but not really diverse becuase they’re still the “only” in their racial background. . . because it was for me.
I think a better barometer of diversity in a school is ask, “How much does the assumption that culture, climate, history is White influence the academic and social environment of the school? How much does the school nurture who a child is and the children’s involvement in the ciriculuum as people who come from different racial, ethnic and religious backgrounds?”
I know this is kindergarten discussed in your thread.
Children begin to self-segregate by race in junior high school, because that is when they begin to find where they are comfortable culturally, and that is when they begin to grapple with racial differences that may or may not also be cultural differences. (such as tastes in music, clothes etcetera) And also because they notice how their peers of different races act out their own racial and cultural beliefs with them and around them.
Thank you for triggering some thoughts in me about my own experiences and how they differ and how they are the same as what your child’s new school seems to be.
“What if your child felt out of place around children of his/her race because of lack of exposure despite being at a diverse school?”
@Tim. What a GREAT question. I am going to stop at the word race though. (I hope that is alright). I was adopted at by caucasian parents who over the years also adopted 2 black children and a child from Korea. We as children were exposed to ALL sorts of ethnic and racial diversity….despite living in Northern Utah in the 80′s which was about as NON diverse as you could get. My lovely parents worked their tails off to find opportunities, racially diverse families, mentors of color. So I experienced a GREAT and very diverse childhood. With lots of friendly and meaningful interactions…that have resulted in lifelong friendships!!
That being said, the most uncomfortable interactions for me were with individuals who are the same race as me. I am an Crow Indian. The other Indians from the time that I was in grade school all the way up through college were SO frightfully mean and judgemental. If I experienced any racism in my life BEFORE the age of 22, it was from other Indians! You might think that they would be friendly, because of the mere fact that there were like 3 of us in the entire elementary school, maybe 4 of us in jr. high….and maybe I was the only one in high school….I will have to check my year book…..and then moving onto college. My parents really pushed me to get involved with the Native American council on campus. wow…..I was not prepared for the name calling, trash talking and being shunned by the entire group. sheesh! I simply was not Indian enough for these people, despite the fact that I have “the papers” to prove my “indian-ness”!
Now that I am a grown up, I want a racially and culturally diverse world for my boys. It helps that my family is so diverse, and that somehow we have landed at, what seems to be…one of the more diverse schools in the district.
I also want that racially and culturally diverse experience to be a good and positive one. It isn’t going to do them any good if they are in a class of kids of color if those kids are going to be mean to them!! The boys have sort of drifted towards the other kids of color, and they have all, thus far appeared to be well mannered children, who mostly come from mixed race marriages….just like us!
just my two cents….
I think Tim hits the nail on the head. A great book is NurtureShock, which synthesizes the data that shows a diverse environment is not an antiracist environment, that only explicit conversations with children about race actually instill anti racist and protective coping mechanisms against racism. I agree that the best place for your child is a place that rejects white hegemony, that celebrates all people all the time, not just at certain times of the year, that swiftly and explicitly deals with racism and racist acts between children in an honest way that affirms every child’s humanity while being historically honest and also true to present conditions. I think those of us who have the luxury of moving to find these places should, and if we can move, then if we have the education and social or cultural capital to agitate for changes where we are, then we should.
Mary Colby,
I’ve experienced a similiar thing as a Black girl. I attribute it to the historical side effects of racism. When there are only a few POC of specific backgrounds, the competition and sizing up can be intense because POCs struggle with feeling inadequate when they are a few in a sea on people who are not POCs.
Yet at a predominately Black school that dynamic wasn’t there for me. Maybe because since everyone was Black and majority of teachers were, the competition was social… Such as who was socially accepted and who was socially awkward for non-racial reasons.
At a predominately White school, this sizing up by the few Black students on campus felt likeself hatred projected my way because I wasnt the one feeling threatened or uneasy suddenly being one of a few in a sea of White (as it was old hat to me, but brand new for the few Black students who found themselves one of a few for the first time).
It stinks when your own people do not embrace you because of their own racial self hatred or insecurity.
Hi, Mary…
I wanted to respond to your post because it really hits home.
I always find it interesting to hear the perspectives of other POC. Lately I’ve discovered that in some Native American communities this is an issue.
As a biracial woman with white skin, I’ve struggled to find my place in the world. I’ve been shunned by other minorities, especially Black people. This isn’t to say that ALL of my experiences with other Black people have been unpleasant. Some people have been wonderful to me. But for the most part, it has been very difficult to simply be accepted for who I am. I’m Caribbean American but I still feel a disconnect with my cultural identity at times.
I can relate to what you’re saying. It IS very hurtful and damaging to be rejected by people who look like you, or even if they don’t, have at least shared similar experiences with racial discrimination.
Now that I’m older, I believe that it comes down to ignorance and misunderstanding. Your classmates most likely assumed that because you were raised by Caucasian parents, you would be privileged and “whitewashed” with little knowledge of Native American culture. Based on this erroneous assumption, they mistreated you.
They viewed you with resentment based on their perception of a difference in social class. I’m sure that most of them came from homes that were less than ideal. By your personal account, you had a very loving family and a happy childhood. Some of them weren’t as lucky, I’m sure. They took it out on you.
I came from a broken home, being raised by a single mother who was constantly stressed out. I had an abusive stepfather who made my life miserable. My biological father was absent. He would only call or show up when he felt like it. People believed that my life was perfect simply because I was light-skinned with long hair, so they went out of their way to intimidate me. Your classmates probably figured that life had been kind to you because you were adopted by a white family, so they decided to reject you.
And in addition to all that, I had to deal with extreme rejection and racism from people around me…everyone from kids at school to my teachers. There was a dark-skinned Jamaican Indian teacher who told my mother that I thought I was better than everyone else. She had no basis in reality for making this statement, but I believe she had an issue with the fact that I was this “black” student with lighter skin than hers, and I was relatively well-behaved compared to the other kids. She was nice to the two White students and the rest of the Black students in her class, but there was something very personal about the way she interacted with me…and it hurt deeply. Sometimes she had to take me home with her after school since my mother worked late. Because I preferred to bring my own snacks instead of eating her food, she told her kids that I was “stuck-up” and that I thought I was better than them. Her daughter started being very hostile towards me. WTF?
Like you, I have been scarred by my experiences. I want my children to be in an environment where they will feel safe and happy. I want them to foster healthy relationships and friendships with others. I don’t want them to have the painful experiences that I’ve had. I have nothing against diversity in classrooms or schools or anywhere else…I simply want it to be a safe space.
No child should ever have to be in a toxic environment. Sometimes other children or people of color can be offenders, too. I want my future children to be in a place where differences are accepted and no one is shunned based on things beyond their control.
As a parent, I want my child to be steel strong in himself that he doesn’t fear or have anxiety around Black people. It is a given that he is exposed to people of different racial backgrounds, because that’s the worlds we have lived and traveled daily.
And for me personally, it’s easy for me to spot other Black folks who were ostracized in predominately White schools by the few Blavk students on campus or who did the ostracizing.
I pick up on it by the person’s response to me before they learn what schools I attended, how I speak, what my exposure is to Whites and Blacks.
It’s instant, is their response cold, guarded , warm, hostile if a dear friend of theirs introduces me, their friend, to them.
It’s sad this happens but very real. It can be shocking to Black children and young adults to have their experience of Black people to be through that.
A friend of mine who is Black was introduced to a
Black woman by a White friend she has known
for over 15 years. She said the woman scrunched up her face with disgust when she saw her then proceeded to try to engage with her son (who is biracial) by talking about how they have the same type of hair. The child was 5 and not interested in her attempts to compare herself to him and was aware of how she reacted to his mama.
Long story short, my friend said “Black people don’t like me”. I said “No just the ones who hate Black people. Some Black folks resent another Black adult stealing their thunder as one of a few Black people that are there socially (or academically or in a workplace).”
Wow, Thomas…
that really blows my mind! It sounds like the other woman was being rude to your friend because she has issues with herself.
Is your friend successful or very attractive? That could explain it, too.
No wonder the little boy had no desire to talk with her. Children can be very perceptive. He noticed her attitude toward his mother and most kids are pretty loyal to their parents, especially when they are very young.
Besides, I find it weird that she would try to engage the kid by making comments about hair texture. WTF?
I’ve encountered a lot of rude, hostile people in my life but that is unacceptable. That indicates a certain mentality. The fact that she shunned your friend in the presence of a White person and attempted to compare herself with your friend’s biracial son based on hair texture, strikes me as somebody with serious self-esteem issues.
Unlike your friend, I don’t believe that ALL Black people dislike me. Some of the people whom I’ve loved dearly have been Black, including one of my grandmothers. But I would be lying if I said that most of the Black folks I’ve encountered have welcomed me with open arms. The hostility IS based on my color and preconceived notions about my attitude, personality, etc.
Anyway, I try not to take it personally anymore. The other day I responded to a poster on LIE who said that her daughter, a high school student, tried to join the Black Student Union. She was met with hostility by the other girls despite being Black herself. Yet, this same young lady was welcomed by the other school clubs which were all very diverse.
When I was a student in high school, kids of other races didn’t mix or hang out beyond superficial friendships. It was an unwritten rule. You also didn’t see that many interracial relationships. And guess what? I’m talking about as recent as the year 2002 in Florida!
This whole discussion reminds me of the book “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?”
This: “I’m left wondering… as do all parents who adopt transracially… how much diversity is enough?” isn’t true. Not all parents who adopt transracially even give diversity a fleeting consideration so please don’t make it seem as though this big and varied group is more thoughtful and aware than it is.
Alexis, I am aware that some adoptive parents do not consider diversity at all. I’m also of the opinion, at least in the state where I live and the circles in which I move, that the majority of adoptive parents DO thoughtfully consider diversity when raising the children they adopt transracially. Now… that’s not to say that everyone makes the same choices… but I do believe that most adoptive parents consider it, worry about it, and some even change the way they do things solely because of diversity.
Sometimes they don’t. But – really – that can be a tough call to make in some cases. Diversity is only one of many factors in most major life decisions. And children are complex individuals – some need more diversity than others.
In terms of life on-line, I try always to remember that most adoptive parents who blog do so while their children are still young. A parent’s answer to this question when their child is age three will probably be vastly different as compared with when their child is 6 or 11. Parenting evolves. It has to, because our children evolve. Their worlds grow larger and we, as parents, cannot protect them as much. Nor can we control their environments as much. I know that I had very different views and beliefs when the Tongginator was two as opposed to now, when she is six.
You are right… I should not have said “all.” But I personally believe it is “most.” Adoptive parents – and everyone, really – are much more open about sharing their private fears and insecurities when they feel safe from judgment.
Just a quick mod note here on this:
“Adoptive parents – and everyone, really – are much more open about sharing their private fears and insecurities when they feel safe from judgment.”
All opinions and emotions–as long as they are expressed respectfully–are welcome here. Anger and disappointment at adoptive parents who adopt transracially without considering all the implications of that is generally rooted in legitimate experience, and I want this to be a place where it is safe to express those emotions, even though they may be hard to hear.
Oh,I very much agree with that, Julia. I really strive to listen to and learn from the voices of adult adoptees and first parents, as well as others who may agree or disagree with adoption.
I simply meant that many adoptive parents may appear to gloss over tough adoption issues, but – when among what they perceive to be a “safe” crowd – will usually open up to express fears and concerns. And by safe crowd, I mean people they personally know and trust.
I don’t think any parent is free from worry and concern… the vast majority of us face doubts at some time or another about how we might possibly screw up our children. But most parents aren’t typically going to share those doubts and worries with all and sundry.
Blogs and forums are very public. Most tend to gloss over their concerns because it leads to vulnerable feelings. In terms of transracial adoption and diversity… just because someone doesn’t talk about it… and just because someone may not change their behavior as a result of it… does not mean that they don’t at times worry about it.
That’s what I was trying to say, anyways.
Thanks for clarifying, Tonggu Momma. Tone is so hard to “hear” on the internet, and I “misheard.” I see what you mean, now…
Good to see you on here again Toggu Mama
It’s been a while, and your post really resonated with me because we put our oldest child into a public school with 90% of the class being of Af/Lat/As heritage. Then, the great irony is that I drop her off at school and continue to my work where there is MAYBE 1 student of color in the classroom. Sigh. But, great to read your thoughts on here!