Open Thread

11 Responses to Open Thread

1. calimommi says:

   September 2, 2010 at 11:38 am

   My black daughter (with waist length curly hair & cocoa skin) is a freshman in a hugely prodominate white ~ with a handful of black, asian & hipanic~ high school. Yesterday was “club day”. She signed up for a couple of clubs and was greeted with smiles…until she went to the Black Student Union table – where one girl asked if she was sure if she was black, another asked what she was mixed with and none of the girls returned her smile and a few wouldn’t even say hello. The advisor did walk over and invite her to meetings.
   My daughter was confused and I explained to her that possibly their limited experiences only allow for one kind of black look. Then she said that the white girls in school have actually asked her the same questions with just friendly curiosity. AARGH…I’m not sure if it is fortunate or unfortunate – but that was also my experience in high school and that of several of my dear friends from college. I don’t know why some people are threatened by “different” , why some are excited by those who do not fit into preconceived molds and others reject.
   I’m actually more upset by it than my daughter…
2. Cinnamondiva says:

   September 3, 2010 at 11:20 am

   Hi, calimommy…

   I’m sorry about your daughter’s experience. High school can be tough, especially when you’re a kid trying to fit in.

   I can relate, because I’m biracial and I remember my high school years very well. It was an unbelievably difficult time. Sometimes I wonder how I survived.

   I still deal with questions about my racial identity because I don’t fit into a neat little box. Racial identity is fluid, not fixed. It can be likened to gender identity in that sense.

   Your daughter sounds absolutely gorgeous! Cocoa skin…that sounds beautiful.

   There could be different reasons why those girls were hostile and unfriendly. One reason could be that she looks “different”. As you stated, differences are not always well received, especially if the people you’re dealing with have hangups about race and color.

   She is very pretty and girls of ANY race often feel insecure when a beautiful girl walks into the room. That could be part of the problem. She has long hair and this can breed resentment in some of the black girls with insecurities about the textures/lengths of their own hair. There is something very profound about this type of interaction.

   The fact that they didn’t smile and some even refused to say hello indicates that there is indeed an issue, combined with the fact that they pointedly asked questions about her race.

   I can see why you would be upset. Experiences like this can leave a person feeling hurt, bewildered, and angry.

   But it is important to remind your daughter that the way those girls acted wasn’t really about her…it was about them. It all comes down to ignorance.

   Hopefully they will learn to accept differences and accept that Blackness is not necessarily about phenotype…it is a state of mind.
3. sue regan says:

   September 3, 2010 at 12:10 pm

   So, there was my beautiful 1st grader in her new twinkle toe sneakers, smiling with her one gigantic front tooth, sharing her day with me. “Mama you will never believe what John in my class said today.” I am thinking, because I know John, that it was something inappropriate about butts. I kind of roll my eyes smile and say “what honey.” My daughter says with her beautiful brown eyes tearing up, “he said he hates black people.” I could hear the sound of the record scratching as my world stopped. In a millisecond I processed the comment, cried inside, swore inside, and composed myself to ask in a steady voice, “what happened.” She told me all the details surrounding his comment, including her response. Her wonderful, beautiful, courageous response that went a little something like this. “If you don’t like black people then you won’t have any friends.” He responded by telling her she was white not black. Her response was “I am brown.” His response was, “well you should be white.” She walked away, told the teacher and mama and daddy took it from there.
   So, it’s the end of the first week of school and here we are. She is still wearing her twinkle toes, she is still smiling her toothless smile, but her world in an instant has become a little bit meaner, rougher, not so kind. Her bubble has been popped in one instant. Thankfully she is strong, and resilient, proud and aware of her culture; and as we drove off to school today, as I do every morning I asked what song everyone wanted to hear. In unison all three kids in their great loud voices said “we want I’m Black and I’m Proud.”
4. agibean says:

   September 3, 2010 at 1:24 pm

   Oh yes, my own biracial daughter has encountered this many times, only she’s just 10. I call it the “You’re too black! You’re too white!” sydrome…

   Depending on background and what kids have learned at home, some see mixed kids either as exotic, or as some kind of freak.

   I’ll say though, that my daughter, who it sounds like, looks a lot like yours, has been pretty well accepted by her black peers.

   But there are often times when she feels like she’s got a foot in two worlds yet fits in neither. She’s getting more comfortable with her “status” as she gets older though.

   How annoying for your DD!
5. cathy says:

   September 3, 2010 at 1:47 pm

   calimommi–i’m sorry that happened to your daughter. i hope she finds multiple places where she feels accepted and included, no matter what.

   next week at our school it’s picture day. my kids are in elementary school, so they still line them up and give each child a comb. my kids, with their black kinky afros and braids just look at the comb with a “huh?” expression on their faces. clearly, they can’t use the comb, nor do they want the comb. but they take it anyway because they’re polite. so weird.
6. Mollie says:

   September 4, 2010 at 6:53 am

   My son was brought home in handcuffs. He was out after curfew. The officer said he was lucky not to be tasered because he got scared and ran. I’m thankful my son is home in bed. Another sleepless night for this mother of a Black teen.
7. Cinnamondiva says:

   September 4, 2010 at 1:46 pm

   Wow, Mollie…how terrible!

   Is it safe to assume that you live in Florida? We have that law about teens and curfew.

   I remember a story about this young Black girl who was handcuffed and tasered because she was out after curfew.

   There was another story about a Black woman who was pulled over by the cops, presumably for speeding, but it turned ugly when she called her mother to tell her what happened. Her mother, aunt, and cousin showed up. The officers became violent and brutalized the women, arrested them, and took them to jail. One of the women was menstruating and they refused to give her any feminine hygiene products.

   I grew up being somewhat fearful of law enforcement. Most police officers are simply trying to do their job, but some are definitely on a power trip.

   How old is your son?
8. calimommi says:

   September 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm

   ((hugs)) to cinnamondiva (I had my daughter read your response) & agibean & cathy for the words of encouragement. I appreciate your perspectives. I think part of the frustration comes from my daughter having to prove that she’s black – both her parents are black! ~ a Cherokee great grandmother has some strong hair genes as my mom & myself also have variations of it. I suppose this is a differnt slant than someone who is bi racial. Regardless – I am disappointed at the lack of understanding of what black is.
   Cathy – I hear you about picture day! I had to write notes on their ( I have 2 daughters) order forms “Do not touch her hair” )
9. Mollie says:

   September 7, 2010 at 12:08 am

   Cinnamondiva, We live in CA. My eldest son is 15 yo. I don’t know what to write tonight. I can’t find words…
10. Lexie says:

    September 7, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    calimom- I am 22 and I went through the same thing your daughter is going through in highschool. I was never truly accepted by the African American students at school and was deemed “too white” due to the clothes I wore or the music I listened to. So there was no surprise when the majority of my friends were white. Feel free to email me or pass my email along to your daughter because I know all too well what it feels like to be outcasted.
11. calimommi says:

    September 14, 2010 at 11:15 am

    ((HUGS)) Lexie!!! That was so very kind of you. Thank you.