written by Love Isn’t Enough co-editor Tami Winfrey Harris; originally published at Change.org Race in America
[Editor's note: I recently wrote this post for Change.org's Race in America site. While the focus is on adults--black women specifically--I think there is a dialog to be had about how messages about what makes a woman marriageable impact black girls and boys, as well as other children. How do assumptions about who girls will partner with impact lesbian youth or youth who are open to interracial relationships? I think there is a lot to dig into here from an anti-racist and progressive parenting POV. ]
As I’ve previously blogged here, the media has a not-so-subtle obsession with the love lives of single black women. Recently, CNN.com added more fuel to the fire, pondering, “Does the church keep black women single?”
We’ve already learned from the mainstream media that black women are too educated, too successful and too independent to be marriageable. Now, it seems, we can add “too religious” to our list of supposed sins.
According to the 2000 census, unmarried rates among African Americans are double that of whites. In trying to explain this trend, you might consider the legacy of slavery, and how it impacted black families. You might look for a correlation between high rates of poverty and lack of personal and domestic stability.
Or — as the CNN seems to prefer — you might simply obsess over what black women need to change about themselves to better snag a man, instead.
CNN.com’s article was inspired by a post by San Francisco Examiner advice columnist and blogger Deborrah Cooper, who claims that “predominantly black protestant churches, such as African Methodists, Pentecostal, and certain denominations of Evangelical and Baptist churches are the main reason black women are single.” Cooper is quoted as saying, “Black women are interpreting the scriptures too literally. They want a man to which they are ‘equally yoked’ — a man that goes to church five times a week and every Sunday just like they do.”
Both Cooper’s declarations and CNN’s willingness to give them credence are highly disturbing.
Why do we obsess over what black women are (allegedly) doing wrong in their relationships? And why — as Cooper is doing here — do we demand that they should be the exception?
When looking for a life partner, it makes sense to pursue a person whose beliefs, values and interests are compatible with yours. Marriages between two people who share key values are inherently stronger. Everyone has a right to find a partner who shares their convictions, right? Except, apparently, black women. Read more…
“Everyone has a right to find a partner who shares their convictions, right? Except, apparently, black women. ” and gays and lesbians too.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post. I think it’s interesting that in the CNN article, Cooper is identified as “not strictly religious,” which I think makes her critique much less credible. Who is she to go suggesting that devout religious women should skip church and instead go to bars to meet men? Has it not occurred to her that church might be a higher priority than meeting a man (and that there’s nothing wrong with that?) I think it’s difficult to understand religion from the outside, and she clearly doesn’t understand the significance of faith in some people’s lives. And what exactly would be the point of meeting/marrying men who are incompatible because they don’t share the same values? Bad marriages don’t benefit anyone (except perhaps a statistic on percentages of married people) and can hurt a lot of people. If Cooper and/or CNN are truly concerned (which, admittedly, I suspect they’re not) about the rates of marriage among black people in the US, there are plenty of systemic factors that could be explored. Blaming women for being religious is not the answer, and the solutions she offers are not solutions.
In a broader context though, I think this article reflects US society as a whole, which puts a lot more relationship and family pressure on women than men. Just look at the magazines–if women aren’t married, they should do something to change so they’re more marriageable. If their husbands/boyfriends aren’t happy, the woman should do something to fix that. If they’re married and don’t have children yet, why not? If the kids aren’t perfect, what is the mother doing wrong? And if in addition to all of those things, if the house isn’t clean and the woman doesn’t have a happy, fulfilling, well-paying job, well then something is certainly wrong…
I’m not saying all of those issues don’t impact women of color differently than white women–because I do think there’s a lot more pressure on women of color in all of these areas. But I think it’s interesting to situate this one article in a culture that’s quick to blame individual women for every relationship or family issue that are frequently systemic in nature.
That’s a good question: WHY do we obsess about what black women are or are not doing wrong in their relationships? I’d love to know the answer to that, because this whole meme seems really voyeuristic to me. It seems that a whole lot of people are “concerned” (aka: love to watch other stories where other people are “worse off” than them)…and that most of those people are not black women.
I want to raise my daughter, first and foremost, to be confident and proud to be who she is and believe what she believes. How does this whole line of thinking foster confidence and self-love in women? This teaches our daughters that they need to change the most basic things that they orient their lives around to ‘catch’ a man that does not have these same beliefs. Why? Why not just teach our daughters to seek out like minded people…and if one of them becomes a loving partner than that is great. If not, hopefully they will meet lots of loving friends and family members to share their lives and interests. I don’t understand how this works: men are not as inclined towards religion—soooo…don’t be religious? If we’re looking at being or not being religious as a “solution” to the “problem” (and I’m not), why not simply suggest that more men go to church? I’ll tell you why: because that wouldn’t be putting enough of the onus on women and we ALL KNOW (hurumph) that its women that really have to do the “catching” because it is they that really want to be married. Right.
So, I’m not religious and, I’ll be honest here, I’d be a little disappointed if my daughter grew up to be ultra religious. HOWEVER if that is her choice she should absolutely seek out someone (man or woman) that shares her deepest convictions. Otherwise, you are just asking for trouble and resentment. I was raised by two religious parents, as was my husband, and it was really important to us that we NOT go there–that was a shared conviction and it was important that one of us was not simply going along to get along. I feel like asking someone to forgo or push aside even temporarily their reason for living (because that is what God is to someone who is very faith-oriented) is going pretty far beyond the pale. That is taking settling to a whole new level and I really can’t even believe it would be suggested with any kind of seriousness. Is being partnered so important that you should risk losing something so important to you? NO. I want my daughter to hold out until she finds the RIGHT person, not just any old warm body.
I would also ask, what are we teaching our sons about marriage?
Maybe being a religious woman is not such a bad thing after all – going to church helps maintain one’s values, sense of dignity and self-respect. Why settle for marrying any man for the sake of being married? Many women choose marriage over loneliness just to fall into a new trap of misery. Women who regularly go to church are not as lonely, they belong to their community and can endure better their single life till the right candidate comes along.