written by Love Isn’t Enough guest contributor Renee; originally published at Womanist Musings
Living in a small town means that quite often I am the only POC in a room full of white people. There is always an undercurrent in these situations, which causes me to be hyper-aware of my race. It does not matter whether or not the white people involved say or do anything racist; race is very much a part of the atmosphere. There is always the unspoken question of why I am there, because Whiteness jealously guards its space.
When Destruction was little, I took him to a breakfast with Santa. When we walked into the room, it was filled with white people. Though no one spoke to us except for a local politician, it was clear that we had invaded a space. I found myself thankful to have my brown child sitting next to me.
As person who faces multiple “isms,” I am well aware of the need for a safe space: A space in which the marginalized can speak to each other openly and honestly; however, the idea that Whiteness needs such a space is ridiculous, when the world is designed to assure its comfort. An all-white space is not about safety, it is about excluding others. It is about maintaining white supremacy.
I sometimes wonder when white people gather in groups without a single person of colour, if they are aware of the dynamics in the room? I wonder how often they drop their guard and stop the so-called “politically correct” speech? I question how long it takes before they realize that even in a gathering of friends, such a grouping is a reflection of privilege? You see, if you have all white friends it says something about who you are as a person. No matter how post- racial we claim to be, most largely still live very segregated lives.
There is always some excuse why this segregation continues to exist. All-white neighborhoods abound and then every February Whiteness waxes on about how great Martin Luther King was. They’re not racist, but are quick to call blacks they hardly know friends, because the reality that their real social circle includes no POC is just something many don’t want to admit. To be a friend to a POC means work. It means actively challenging your privileges and learning when to keep quiet. Whiteness is not used to working and pretty much believes that POC are desperate to be around it, as if the glamor and supposed beauty of Whiteness will rub off on us with repeated exposure.
These things have become obvious to me over time and yet each time I bring this up someone is ready to make excuses. OOOh the mean, angry black woman is always picking on Whiteness and it simply cannot win. Damned, I tell you, damned. I don’t want to be anyone’s token black friend but I am tired walking into a room to find that I am the only person of colour. I am tired of the pregnant pauses, the failure to engage or those that outright move to get away from me as though I don’t recognize their discomfort for exactly what it is. White spaces don’t create solidarity they only undermine the tiny degree of community that is in existence.
Thank you for this post. I’m not black, but I’m certainly mixed and Different and have been included to be a token Different person among a group of white people. In fact, one of my white friends’ jobs was to recruit POC to a choir he was in, and he invited me, saying, “Hey, we need more non-white people. Do you want to join?”
He had no idea how much that hurt. Even after I told him, you could tell I was banging my head against the wall of Privilege.
this, so much this.
on a related note, I took my kiddos to the park yesterday – was very happy to see several other mamas of colour, and noted that there were a handful of white ladies sitting around in a tight little circle with their babies while the rest of us were running about after our kids and talking to each other. It seemed very odd. Were they self-segregating, I wondered? Gave me a giggle.
“I sometimes wonder when white people gather in groups without a single person of colour, if they are aware of the dynamics in the room? I wonder how often they drop their guard and stop the so-called “politically correct” speech?”
The first time this happened to me (a white girl), I was completely stunned. It was a social gathering of people that i didn’t know very well but I wanted to make a good first impression on them (I had my reasons). Someone dropped a comment into conversation so casually and I was so stunned at the assumption that I would be in agreement that I couldn’t respond. Now I know better, and on the (fortunately rare) occasions when it’s happened again I’ve been able to make my mouth work and speak up.
It was difficult to read this post, because I recognize that this one experience is one out of many. I can sympathize and identify with the pain and anger felt by Renee, even though I am white. Living in New York City, I do encounter a diverse array of people. Sometimes, I am the only white person in a room. I do notice this, because it so easy too and question if people look at me differently considering that. While this is not an everyday occurrence by any means for me, I wanted to just say that it is a firm belief that everybody is entitled to the same treatment.
I recognize that POC have to go through daily microagressions showcased by the media and neighbors and that white people are afforded privileges. However, to say that “White spaces don’t create solidarity they only undermine the tiny degree of community that is in existence,” comes out of place of anger, that should granted, but is in no way constructive. I have been ruminating in how to encourage people to not hold bias and prejudices based on social constructions, but there seems to be close to no solution. Race and its injustices are so embedded in our way of American thinking that I don’t know what can be done. I contend that we still live very segregated lives, but I don’t think that there is an implicit collective thought to encourage white supremacy. It feels terrible to know that Renee and her child felt excluded when simply going out for dinner… I just hope that we all power through the negativity that we hear. Thankfully places like this are allowing many people to engage in this discussion. Talking about race is essential; it’s a bold and courageous stride, but making changes happens gradually. I think we’ve come a long way as a society, keeping in mind that it was only 46 years since the civil rights act. We definitely have a far way to go. There is a lot of fear and anger to muddle through, but it is not an impossible task.
I wonder is there a way to prevent or to resolve any feelings that harbor discrimination. What can we all do to foster a better community?
Thank you for this.
Your post reminded me of an incident that happened during the 2008 Presidential Election. I’m in Toronto, and a black friend and I decided to watch the coverage at a party hosted by Americans Abroad. I was stunned because while the club was ram-packed with about 2000 people, there were maybe ten black people there.
When we entered the club, we were met with stares and the occasional angry glare – and from my guess, the majority of people were left-leaning. There was this one white family that had a 6 foot cut out of Obama, and they were letting people pose with it and take pictures. However, when my friend approached them, the wife pulled the cut-out away and refused her, saying that the image was getting damaged and that she was afraid my friend would cause it to topple over. However, she continued to let white folks pose with it.
Outside of a lovely black couple who had just relocated from Texas, no one wanted to chat with us….until it was clear that Obama won. All of a sudden, white people came out of nowhere and wanted to shake our hands and say “congratulations.” WTF?
I am used to the silence that seems to happen when I walk into an elevator in my office building. As a trans-racial adoptee I have also witnessed some of the things that you mention in your post happen at family gatherings. I’m tired, and do not want to live the rest of my life feeling like a “fly in the Buttermilk,” but I am also trying to have these conversations with white friends and colleagues, too.
I am considered white. When I walk into a room full of white people I am uncomfortable. I have no feeling of belonging. I have friends of other backgrounds. I was born and raised in south louisianna. I know all about segragation, bullying, hatred, racisim etc. Reading this post made me realize that people are just uncomfortable unless they are around their own kind. But why? I can sit next to someone totally different in all facial features skin color even speech and carry a converstation with them. I can sit next to a white person and never speak a word to them. You know why? Because they make me uncomfortable. Do you ever wonder maybe they are uncomfortable because they dont know how to approach you. but everybody loves to play victim. Answer this, Did you try to talk to any of them? Are you uncomfortable and letting the color of your skin get in the way. You know what Im letting get in my way nothing because I know all about white people. they dont intreset me.
You know, as a POC I’ve wondered why there is even an attempt to (frequently) integrate white spaces…there isn’t anything wrong with a diverse or predominately POC space. For me personally the cost is too high for myself and my child, as there is peace to be found in spaces that get who we are. I think that going into white spaces should only be visits not residences, moments and not the majority of our life.
Thanks for sharing. I often wonder what it feels like to be the “only one” in a room. I tried an experiment of wearing an “I am white” badge one day (it kind of was the result of a twitter exchange) to see what it might feel like to by constantly reminded of my race all day (I am white, so in a white majority culture there is usually nothing to remind me.) http://interculturaltalk.org/2010/08/02/the-race-test-i-am-white/ It felt really uncomfortable, and hyper reminded me of my privilege in that I could just take my button off.
Eddie Murphy did a funny piece on how he imagined white people acted when there were no POC around–serving champagne on the buses, giving free money at the bank.
No point, except please know there are people consciously trying to understand unconscious bias, privilege, and raise culturally conscious children.
“I sometimes wonder when white people gather in groups without a single person of colour, if they are aware of the dynamics in the room? I wonder how often they drop their guard and stop the so-called “politically correct” speech? I question how long it takes before they realize that even in a gathering of friends, such a grouping is a reflection of privilege?”
As a member of the group, my experience is that for most white people, race awareness only enters the room when a person of color comes in. That can be physically, in person, as in your experience, or as a discussion topic, such as President Obama.
In general, being raised white in America means having intense consciousness of everybody else’s race but almost none of your own. So when white people are gathered in all-white gatherings, race is rarely even mentioned. (There may be regional variations to this, and there are of course groups of overt white supremacists for whom race is *the* topic.)
Like most majority identities, because it’s the norm, Whiteness is virtually invisible to those who live in it. Rather, race is an attribute that other, non-white people have. In a sense, in many white people’s minds race doesn’t *exist* unless and until the fog of comfort is disturbed by someone who isn’t white. (It’s one of the reasons why POC are always being accused of “playing the race card.”)
This complete lack of awareness is what causes the reactions, detailed in your post and in some of the comments, to be so awkward and inflict so much hurt. Because white Americans live in a white-dominated world, when a person of color walks in the room they feel forced to deal with something that they have almost no practice addressing. They’re often nervous, if not downright scared and guilty (OMG, I might say or do something racist!), so they’re working way too hard to get it right. Instead of reaching out, they’re retreating to defense mode: rigid, self-conscious, politically “correct,” – none of which is any help in making an authentic human connection. These are all patterns I’ve watched play out in my own interactions.
To me, the most essential work in the white community is to wake ourselves up, realize how deeply race bias and assumption of privilege is imbedded in our brains, and start making conscious personal choices about what and who we want to be instead of letting our unconscious social conditioning run the show. Once we recognize that living consistently in all-white rooms *is* a reflection of privilege, what are we going to do about it?
I am white, but have been in a similar situation, where I was the only white person in the room and felt totally excluded.I was with my ex boyfriend who was white, but who had many relatives who were POC, because his white father was married to a black woman and they were a very close knit family. I didn’t expect to be treated as I was, because my non-white friends have always treated me like an equal. We were at a bar in a black neighborhood to meet my exes cousin(through marriage). We were surrounded by police as soon as we pulled up to the bar, because apparently there was a “crack den” on the same block.Simply because we were white, we were discriminated against. The cops spoke to us separately, to make sure that we had the same “story.” They asked us why we were in “this” neighborhood. We told them we were picking up my exes cousin to go and play with us in our band. The cops had to let us go, because they could tell that we were telling the truth.They actually seemed disappointed as they were hoping to bust us for soliciting drugs(the cops were white). Then,when we went inside the bar to wait for his cousin, we were met with such undisguised coldness and contempt, that it was palpable. As whites, we were clearly not welcome in this neighborhood. I had always thought that it was just whites who were racist, but I sadly learned that it goes both ways. I felt very hurt and for a brief time, felt empathy for what it must be like to be a POC. I was also met with a similar dislike when I was dating a black man. His friend took me aside and told me that black women didn’t like sharing”their “men with white women. I was deeply hurt by this. The way I see it, is that if a giant meteor hit our planet, we would ALL be screwed. We all originated from Africa, according to science, so we are all related and we all bleed red.What are your thoughts on this?Have a wonderful weekend,Carolyn