written by Love Isn’t Enough guest contributor Liz Dwyer; originally posted at Los Angelista’s Guide to the Pursuit of Happiness
It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, which means I rocked it like this…
However, despite my admittedly hardcore Irish pride, my mind these days is on blackness. Specifically, how much I appreciate that black people have come so far despite racist pin-pricks, shank-stabbings and butcher knives in the back. I believe being black is both a gift and a sacred responsibility. Yet, it’s undeniable that not everyone in our world feels the same–and sometimes, they’re not shy about showing it.
I’ve spent the past two days thinking about an incident that happened Tuesday night at my local park. I’d planned to take 10-year-old Mr. O to get a haircut, but by the time I left work (late), and picked up him and his 7-year-old little brother, Mr. T, I realized we wouldn’t get to the barber on time. BUT, thanks to the time change, it’s light outside till well past 7 p.m., so I came up with a fun alternative: heading to our neighborhood park.
The boys were thrilled to swing and jump off the playground equipment–everything was all good, till Mr. T came running over to me, his brows drawn together in a worried scowl.
“That little boy over there in the blue shirt,” he said as he pointed to a kid who was probably 5 or 6-years-old, “is saying bad words and telling me to shut up.”
These days it’s par for the course to hear young children swearing like they’re on an episode of The Jersey Shore, so I told T to just ignore the kid and play on the other side of the playground.
Five minutes later he was back and shaking with outrage. “That kid won’t leave me alone. He told me to shut my trap AND he called me the n-word.”
It’s sad that at 7, my son has already been called the n-word as many times as he has. But every time it happens, my blood just boils. It makes me want to open up a can of whoop ass on his behalf. But since T was looking at me like, “Hey, mature adult? Go fix it!” I reassured him that there’s nothing wrong with him. “Well, clearly that little boy has ISSUES! I’ll let his mom or dad know,” and then set off to track down the boy’s parent.
“Young man, is your mom or dad here?” I asked. The boy replied by pointing to two women standing a bit away from the playground. I wasn’t sure which one was the mom, but I prepped myself for confrontation by installing the most friendly, placid look on my face that I could muster. As I drew nearer, I took in the drawn-on-with-black-eyeliner, pencil-thin eyebrows, the neck tattoos and the dark lipstick with much lighter lip liner. Great. Just great.
“Excuse me ladies,” I began, “Is one of you the parent of that little boy in the blue shirt over there?” I kept my tone neutral, like I was about to say, aww, he just lost his LEGO action figure. One of them stared me down and muttered, “Yeah, that’s my son.”
“OK, well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but he just told my son to shut his trap and then called him the n-word.”
With the bomb dropped, I expected maybe some defensiveness in her response–after all, what parent is going to be psyched about hearing their child called another kid the n-word? However, what I didn’t anticipate was the narrowing of her eyes, the aggressive change in her posture and her response. “Well, maybe your son IS one.”
The words were said slowly, deliberately, and with a hint of a challenge. She might as well have replied, “Yeah, you black bitch. What are you and your little n-word son gonna do about it?”
It instantly took me to that level of anger where you say to yourself, damn the consequences. I’m gonna beat this heffa’s ass. Except…I took in the tattoos, how her friend’s hands had moved to her pockets, how their posture was completely one of planning to jump ME! And then I remembered, hey, I’m a grown woman and I don’t get into fights, especially not with my kids 50 feet away. So, without saying anything else to her, I turned and walked away.
Mr. T asked me what she’d said and I lied to him. “Oh, she was so upset. She’s gonna take away his Nintendo DS for a month.” I just couldn’t tell him that there would be no consequences for this child’s racism.
I told the boys it was time to go home, and overheard T triumphantly telling his brother, “And mom went over there and told on him and made sure his mom punished him!”
And that’s when I began to feel like a failure. Like I should’ve made sure that mom punished her son. Or, if not, at least I should’ve told her, no, my son isn’t a n-word. But, I was afraid.
Once home, I headed to the bathroom, completely depressed. I shut the door and sat in there, tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t want my sons to see me cry, didn’t want to hear them asking, “Mommy, what’s wrong?”
I felt like, wow, I should’ve done more, said more. Yes, I know that nothing I could’ve said to her would have made a difference. Nothing would have made her have an epiphany and realize, “You’re so right. Your son isn’t a n-word. That was totally wrong to say he is one.”
As I sat in that bathroom, it also hit me, wow, my kid is only 7. How much more of this ish is coming our way? How many more years of kids calling him the n-word? How many more years of both subtle and overt racism will we just have to turn the other cheek on and walk away from? There will probably never be a year in his childhood or youth when he won’t be affected by racism. I don’t know how I will not go crazy. How have generations of black moms and dads not simply gone nuts knowing what’s coming for their kids?
I am raising two black males in Los Angeles in the 21st century. No, they aren’t getting treated like Emmett Till, but that doesn’t make the things that happen to them–the things that are said to them–any better. I’m sick of it, sick of people being racist and then when you bring it to their attention, they blame YOU for it and act like YOU are the problem.
I wonder…how many more times must my child be called the n-word? How many more times will I have to hear him say, as he had in some instances, “I kinda got the feeling that they were being mean to me because I’m black.” And, what can I do–what can we all do–about it?
UGH. I’m sorry you and your kids had to deal with this (and that it’s not the first time). I think the safety of you and your kids come first, though, and when that… caregiver (’cause she’s obviously failing at parenting and doesn’t deserve the title) responded hostilely and threateningly, I really think you did the right thing.
I wish there’d been another parent or two with you or near you so the caregiver got the message that other parents also find her (and hers) behavior offensive. But then there’s the risk of deliberate cluelessness/obliviousness that I’ve seen with a lot of parents that would trivialize your quite-valid response.
I don’t know what I’d have done if this happened to me and mine. I’m no fighter, but I tend to talk too much and not be able to keep it in. Having been talked about “behind-my-back-right-in-front-of-me” often enough, I’ve sometimes tried a little verbal public shaming of my own, with varying effect. It worked, somewhat, at a restaurant when some politically conservative white adults started on some racist and anti-immigrant Beck-level paranoia crap at the next booth, loud enough for me to hear but not addressed to me. I commented on the wrongness of what they were saying in detail to my spouse, in front of my daughter; I don’t know if they heard me for sure, but they did change the subject and left soon after. Petty, but at least a little satisfying.
OF course, I’ve tried it when some kids were harassing ducks at a park, and the parent’s response was to tell the kids to move on (where they threw more rocks at DIFFERENT ducks… yay?)
The thing that pisses me off about what happened to your child is the parent co-signing on it. I remind myself that white supremacists are real. They’re not fairytales like Santa Claus and the Easter bunny…that there are full grown adults with children who both meant what they said when they called your child that word.
He is 7 years old. An adult who hates a child should simply leave the child alone, and teach their children to do the same. This mother wouldn’t like it if her child was severely injured or killed because he called someone that word and that someone wasn’t any more civilized that he is in their response.
It is a harsh world where there are gangs in Los Angeles (I lived there for years) who promote white supremacist beliefs and clash with other gangs of color due to this. The same thing happens in schools…there are parents who worry about more than their child being called the N word….they worry about their child being jumped by a gang in high school after hearing them hurl that word at them.
That word still to this day is a warning of upcoming violence or potential upcoming violence. It is why I refuse to use it. I resent the casual use of that word because to this day it still is hurled at Black people and other people of color to warn them that their physical safety is about to be at risk. It is still hurled between people of color to warn the other that their physical safety is at risk. Ain’t no love in that word.
I’m glad you got out of the situation unscathed. If I have to walk away from a potentially dangerous situation, I never turn my back when I walk away. I keep my eyes on the person until I’m out of there.
I agree with Alex, I’m glad you managed that dangerous situation so well.
(Danger aside,) I’m terrible with come-backs and I know I’d be fuming and stewing for days. Okay, actually forever. But my revenge fantasy for you in this situation is that you got a picture of her with your cellphone, put it on a flyer with the quotes, and plastered that flyer all over the neighbourhood. Cause she ought to be publicly shamed for that ish. [Although even my revenge fantasy isn't very satisfying because I'd worry that it would backfire and she become some kind of local hero or she'd come looking for you or it'd enflame some kind of local war against BP.]
My big problem is that my mouth often works faster than my brain. Now not that I would have gone into attack mode, but I could see something caustic like, “Well that explains a lot,” coming out before turning to walk away (and I would walk away.)
Yet part of me worries that my husband (white) would lose every bit of sense and self preservation that he was born with and would go right into that red zone like he did that time that some man in Home Depot made the mistake of calling me a b-tch, not realizing that he was my husband, were he confronted with the same scenario. And that just terrifies me.
The sad thing is that her son will probably be killed because of his mom’s attitude. He’ll call the wrong person the wrong word and that’ll be it. Then she’ll be on the 6 o clock news crying about “My baby, my baby.”
She was probably in the park waiting for her drug dealer to get there anyway.
I agree with everyone here that you did the RIGHT thing. You preserved your and your child’s physical safety. That wretch of a human being was not only going to be violent with you, she had HELP. In other words, you were outnumbered. You would have gotten beaten up in front of your child and the little Klansman-in-training. The cops probably would have been called and then there’d be the very real possibility that YOU would have been the one hauled off to jail. Those chicks could have pulled out some White Women’s Tears (I’m assuming this refuse was White), made up some bs story about how the “big, evil, Black woman” menaced their child and attacked them, that they were only defending their innocent, delicate selves from the marauding Negress. Unless you had witnesses, preferably White ones, who were willing to back you up, it would have been your word against theirs.
Yeah, I know you felt like crap having to lie to your child. But let’s face it, if we want our kids to have ANY self-esteem and healthy self-image, we cannot be brutally honest with them at all times. Are we really going to tell them that art project they’ve presented to us is hideous as hell? Are we really going to tell them they suck BADLY at something even if it’s the truth?
If I were you, I’d try and befriend the other parents who frequent that park and tell them about your encounter. You may not be the only one who’s witness those folks’ virulent racism. You all could form playgroups so you can be sure your kids are playing with other mentally healthy ones. Yeah, you’d have to exclude the mini-Nazi, but that is a very real, and natural consequence to that sort of behavior. If you’re going to engage in that, then that’s one of the things you’ll just have to suck up.
Oh and to Alex, I really hesitate to label the reactions of victims of racism and racist abuse as being no better than the initiators. I grew up learning that if you want to go around talking ish about folks and calling them names, you’ve accepted the very real possibility of the negative consequences of those actions. One of those is maybe catching a shot in the mouth. Wanna go around calling folks racist slurs? Well, I hope you know how to take a punch or 50. That doesn’t mean the other person is just as huge a philistine and social failture as you are. It’s just cause and effect.
Thanks for posting, Liz Dwyer. It’s very brave of you to post the challenges you faced against an imposing social climate, expose your own frailty and make a broad social commentary. For what it’s worth, I’m a white male and you’ve inspired me to have a more amplified ear and take action to support parents who face awkward social experiences. Not having a child, it’s easy to ignore the playground conversations I walk past. No longer. Thanks again.
You know, this is one of the reasons I don’t take my kids to parks by myself. It’s really funny, actually – me and my black mom friends are known to take over parks, like the group of us. We live in an overwhelmingly white area and we travel in numbers. It’s like a “don’t-start-nothing-won’t-be-nothing” type of situation.
I agree that you did the smart thing by walking away. I think black folk have been walking away for precisely the reasons you mention – individual bigots will most likely not be swayed, and any verbal or physical reaction is more for you to release your anger and frustration than to change hearts and minds. On the other hand, this really pissed me off, and I would have wanted to express to her how pissed I was! In my fantasy world where bystanders and cellphone videos don’t exist, I’d like to believe that I would have been so incensed that I would have asked her to repeat herself, just to make sure I heard correctly, gotten in my car, and drove my kids home. Then I would call for some back up of my most militant homies – white and black women who can’t stand racists – gone back to that park and we would have kicked her and her friend’s a$$, in front of her kid. And then we would run. Yeah, if I was certain not to get caught…. I’d be all over her. It would be the most satisfying fight of my life, I think. And if her kid got in the way – he’d get a deserving slap or two too. Not condoning violence, but some people only learn the hard way…
This is one of those articles that you read, you get the play by play in your head and you feel the need to throw up because it is not a movie, this REALLY happened to you and your son!
First, thank you for sharing this.
Second, despite all our fantasies about what we would have liked to do in the situation, and no matter how justified and/or satisfying…HELL YEAH you did the right thing!
Third, you also handled it superbly with your son. I think he’s still at the point where he needs to believe there are consequences for poor behaviour (Not that I need to be giving any advice since I don’t have kids of my own)
Fourth, you and your kids are a hundred times the people that it (yes you read right ‘it’) and her spawn can ever dream to be
I think regardless of the darkness around us, we have to walk in the light because we know that what they say about us, is not who we are; and let our actions tell the truth for us.
I wish I had been in the park too. I wish I could have come over and stood next to you. I don’t know that it would have made a damn difference, but that is what I wish. You are doing something with this piece. You are doing something with every act you take, and every word you write. You are asking people to become awake. You are changing the world.
Thank you for sharing this very personal account. As a child, I remember quite clearly being called the “N” word. We lived in a small town in Long Island, New York. It wasn’t particularly diverse, but it wasn’t a homogeneous enclave either. Yet and still, there were numerous times, as a young child, I was called the “N” word by both children and adults. I grew up in the late 70′s early 80′s.
Anyway, I can’t say that it really struck me to the core or changed the way I viewed myself (self-esteem wise).
What it did do is clarify the notion that there is an “us” and a “them” and I became sensitive to situations/places (at a mall, beach, amusement park) where I might be perceived negatively b/c of my race.
If I were going to the beach with my diverse group of teenage friends, I would prepare myself mentally for what we could “potential” face. Not taunts per say, but stares coupled with laughter etc.
Now as an adult, I have been called the “N” word twice that I can remember. Once while working in my yard and a group of White teens + one adult drove by and just randomly yelled out obscenities and once while walking in Mexico – once again, by teens.
I think in general, I’ve come to “expect,” if not assume, that I wont be received well in new situations where I am a minority. That’s really sad for me to say openly, but I’ve come to be OK with that. It seems so normal to feel this way, based on my experiences. What I find NOT OK is when the negative race-based feelings go beyond just staring and into outright injustice (racial profiling, discrimination in the workplace etc.).
That’s when it obviously matters more. But the rest of the foolishness, I’ve learned to just ignore. As far as we’ve come as a nation, I still have that sense that “it is what it is…” and as ugly as it may seem, its also somewhat the norm. I don’t feel defeated by this, but simply prepared. Feeling prepared w/o being consumed by it is 1/2 the battle to me. I hope this makes sense.
I agree with those who say that you handled the situation correctly, but I know you will replay this episode forever in your mind wishing you had knocked that woman’s teeth down her throat. Sometimes being the better person and being right just doesn’t give one the satisfaction that it should. I have been a black man for over sixty years and I expect to have to deal with racists and the consequences of racism for what is the rest of my life and I am an optimistic person. All you and I and other right thinking, decent people can do is to keep on keeping on; raise our children to have good and strong hearts; and to keep our side of the street clean. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do hope that this boy’s mother says this same thing to the wrong person.
Wow, 7yrs old. I was 12 yrs old when I was first called the N word. I will prepare my boys pro-actively to let them know the orgin of the word and how it was/is used to debase a fellow human being. For me now that I am grown, I have come to realize that the kids/adults that use the N word as a psychological tool for mental destruction, have been taught how to use this word-and it clearly shows a mark of insecurity/brokeness in the perpetrator. And I pity them. As those who have come before me, the best revenge is “living well” and I plan to teach my boys that same principle. {{HUGS}} to you mom-it still hurts nonetheless, I’m sure your 7yr old is back to his old self after such an infraction-let’s be resilient as our kids…sometimes they truly are the best teachers.
I’m sorry you and your son had to experience this. With that said I agree with everyone else who have stated that you did the right thing in first trying to confront this boy’s mother and then walking away when things looked like they could get out hand. I believe it was really brave of you to have gone up to her seeing as she looked like a stereotypical skinhead…I think I would have been too afraid to even approach someone looking like that.
I also think that your experience shows that despite what some people want to believe virulent in-your-face racists are still lurking around society even in the 21st Century. I think because I’ve been hearing so many more stories about encounters with nice but clueless “colorblind” parents denying their child’s racism, your story took me a little bit by surprise (like damn skinheads still do exist). But thank you for giving the rest of us that wake-up call that racism in all its forms still infects this society and denial of that fact will only make things worse.
I think you did absolutely the right thing. You in no way failed your child you went over and advised that mother of what her child did . It was that mother that failed her child in the fact that she didnt teach her child that it is not ok to be rude and hurtful to others, and that God created each of us as we are, and that he loves us all the same . You did show your son how to stand up for himself and that its ok to confront something that is not right . You also showed your son that when there is closed minded individuals involved and ignorant sad people involved that sometimes its best to walk away and not lower yourself to the level of them . Goood job mom you sound like an awesome person and mother .
This is such a horrible situation to be in. I know as an adult it is never obvious what the right course of action should be. But I do think that to turn around and use possibly racially (and definitely sexually) charged descriptors for that parent such as hoodrat is not the right way to react. What if your son came across this article and realized, it’s not okay for someone to call me the n-word but its okay for me to call a woman a hoodrat because my mom did it.
Thank you for sharing. I’m in tears. I hope that continuing to visit this site will help “fortify” me if (when…) I face similar situations as my little boy grows. Know that we’re all standing with you and your sons.
Really Maz? You think calling someone a hoodrat is anywhere close to calling someone a nigger? The term has classist undertones, sure, but it’s the type of name-calling that comes no where near the historical and contemporary weight of the use of “nigger,” which knows no bounds whatsoever. That word was hurled at a child, and protected by an adult. The least that adult deserves is to be called a hoodrat. Especially in lieu of the a$$ kicking the chick deserved.
So difficult to be the adult and act to keep yourself and your children safe, in a situation like that. Damn.
Mod note:
In retrospect, we should have addressed the term “hoodrat” from the outset. Perhaps we should have asked the author to choose another term, or perhaps we should have noted clearly that LIE does not support classist language any more than we support racist, homophobic, or ableist language. And I agree with Maz, that it does not seem particularly useful to respond to one kind of oppressive language with another. I also agree with LaToya that the n-word carries a whole lot more historical and emotional weight. But, still, “hoodrat” is a word that carries classist meanings, and we don’t need that here.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the mother in question deserves to be called many things, but I think the English language is rich enough that we can find other terms of derision.
Finally, I’d like to point out, contrary to what Maz has written above, that the author, Liz, does not say that she used the word “hoodrat” in any conversation with her kids. According to her story, what she said to them was “Oh, she was so upset. She’s gonna take away his Nintendo DS for a month.” So, let’s be clear that although Liz may have used this word to herself in her head and in this piece, she did not model the use of the word for her kids.
You handled this so well. I only hope to be able to be as gracious as you should this situation ever happen to me and Little Babes. I generally have a “come out swinging” attitude that sometimes serves me well and sometimes…um, not so much.
Linguistics and the origin of words has always fascinated me. I would never use the word “ghetto” and I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “hoodrat” but never equated the two in the classist way. Language, it’s a tricky bitch sometimes.
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Liz, I’m sorry.
I remember your previous article about your older son experiencing racism on the bus. I’m so sorry that your children have to deal with this.
You have always stood out as a classy person because of the way you handle conflict. Like some of the other posters, I don’t believe I would have been able to control myself. She would definitely have been missing some teeth, know what I mean?
As a biracial person who looks mostly white but still has some “ethnic” features, I’ve experienced my fair share of the “N” word, even here in Miami where it is supposedly diverse and accepting of everyone. Sure, whatever.
I agree with Alex…it is a vile, hateful term that needs to die. The last time somebody called me that, it took every ounce of self-control to keep me from snapping her neck. I’m not a violent person but I would have had no problem hurting her. I was literally seeing red. I had to count to ten and breathe deeply. This happened back in 2006.
Please believe that word won’t stop being used anytime soon. People who use it are fully aware of the implications.
And Witchsistah makes a very good point as usual…if you had done something about it, you would have been punished, not her. Some people will bait you into confrontation with their racism and then play the victim when you call them on it. Be careful. I had an incident with the property manager at my apartment that was blatantly racist and because I stood up for myself, the property manager filed a police report on me falsely claiming that I “threatened” him. My husband is white, like the property manager, and did not defend me. He sided with the property manager. I’m still pissed about that.
And it’s true, you were outnumbered. I wouldn’t put it past them to jump you if things became physical. Sometimes all you can do is walk away in certain situations. They could have had a knife or gun somewhere. She is raising a little white supremacist. How pitiful.
Maz…I’m with gradmommy on this one. Calling somebody a “hoodrat” might not be very nice, but Liz didn’t actually call the woman that to her face. Furthermore, I can think of the names that I would have called her if she’d insulted my kids that way. It would be much worse than “hoodrat”, I will assure you. Maybe the “B” word, followed by “white trash”. All thoughts of sisterhood and feminism and politically correct language would have flown out the window then. But I know that this is not being a positive role model, so I would try hard to restrain myself.
As far as I know, “hoodrat” is generally a term applied to low-income Black women between 13-35 years old who live in the projects and carry themselves in a certain way. I have the feeling that the woman in question is of lower socioeconomic status but she is not Black. And Liz is not so much critiquing the woman’s social status as she is observing blatant racism, a lack of class, and zero accountability for her child’s actions toward Liz’s own son.
Just my observation, for what it’s worth.
And when I refer to “class”…anyone can have it. One doesn’t have to be wealthy. It is simply about respecting others and conducting oneself appropriately, which the woman in this situation failed to do.
Liz…once more, I just want to say I’m sorry. I don’t actually have kids yet, but I know I will have a tough job preparing them for what’s out there. The world can be cruel.
I feel you on the frustration of having to walk away from the ignorance when what you really want to do is confront it directly. I’ve been there. I don’t want to speak for anybody else, but I’m sure I’m not the only one.
You’re right…nothing you could have said to her would have made any difference. People like that are completely unapologetic and unashamed of their bigotry. She is obviously a proud racist and she is raising her little boy to be the same. I’ve known plenty of people like this in my life. They are poison and they pass it on to their children.
When you mentioned the tattoos on her neck and the stance she took, it crossed my mind that she might have been to prison. Some people are evil and sick and twisted…combined with racism, it can be dangerous. I know it took all your willpower and self-restraint to not react and I know you wanted to let her know how you really felt.
But you know what? As much as it hurts inside, I’m glad you didn’t. You never know what could have happened.
Hi All – Just wanted to say thank you for all your thoughtful comments. This happened a month ago and I think about it frequently since we go to our neighborhood park several times each week. My son still has no idea what this other woman’s response really was, and I’m OK with that. This isn’t the first time he’s been called the n-word and I know it won’t be the last. But what really matters is that he knew I would defend him and stand up for him. I did that for him, and I hope that ultimately, that ability to protect him is something I hope I can preserve as a parent.
Also, as far as the term hoodrat, I apologize. What I wrote is what I honestly thought in the moment. I will not at all be offended if LIE chooses to take down this piece.
With Liz’s permission, we have removed the term “hoodrat” from her post. My co-editors and I agree that the term is both classist and, often, racially-coded, and inappropriate for this site. We encourage everyone to continue discussing Liz’s piece, but we will approve no more comments on the use of this word.
Thank you for sharing your story. I felt your pain when you said you went into the bathroom and cried. There has been a lot of research done lately on how worries about racism causes depression, anxiety and mental stress in women of color. Our children are so dear to us and all we want to do is protect them. I do agree with a lot of the posts that said you did the right thing. Unless I have blocked it out, I don’t remember a time that I have been called a nigger by a person of a different race, but for some reason I can’t help but think that I would have the same feeling as if I were being called a B-tch. I don’t consider myself a nigger. I believe it is a derogatory term that racist people use when they want to hit us where it hurts. Why is it that some of us blacks allow this word to have so much power. We pass this deep painful reaction onto our children. Take away the power of the word by instilling into our children that it means nothing. We can instill pride into our children today without passing on all the pain that comes with being called a nigger. I tell my kids you are not a nigger this is a word used by sick minded people. If we don’t react to it in such a harsh and shameful manner we deminish the power of the word. It’s hard but I have tried to teach my kids to let it roll off like water. Hatred and racism in today’s society is alive and well. Let’s do our best to pass on the baton of strength, pride and self respect, much more than we can say for the other mom at the park. My children are older and I teach them to walk tall, look a person in the eye and demand the respect that your forefathers died for. We live in a predominately white neighborhood and going to the pools and malls still today it’s easy to feel a little out of place, but I quickly shake it off enjoy the freedom that is rightfully ours.
you have to be there to raise your kids, you did the right thing in walking away. i’m angry and sad reading it, and fearful. but glad you were smart enough to walk away, back to your family of love. love. what she just doesnt have, now or before, and that is sad in it’s own way too, if I didn’t wish she would just die for being so hateful.
I am so sorry that both you and your sons experienced this when it should have just been an afternoon of having fun at the park! I have begun limiting where I go with my daughter because of the responses that we often receive from racist neanderthals. As a transracial adoptive mom, I have been called a whore and worse. BUT, to me, it is far, far, far worse when names are directed at my sweet baby girl. At just a year old she has already been called the “n” word when we were having lunch out. I was horrified but also, did not have it out with this monster. He was a large, very frightening, white male, and I was there with my daughter. So, I coldly told him to leave us alone or I would call the police and pulled out my cell phone. The men at the table near us saw I was upset and suggested that he leave and then escorted me to my car with my daughter. I have been beating myself up ever since this happened for not ripping this guy a new one. But as my husband pointed out, sometimes it is about personal safety and the safety of one’s child. As a result of this, I have been far more careful about the areas where we go and when in question do not go alone to parks or places where such incidents are more likely to happen….What upsets me the most is the fact that so many people are oblivious that this is STILL going on in this country! I am not American, I didn’t grow up here, but racism, in my opinion, the big shame that this country carries to this day.
Anonymous,
I think you’re right to note the concern about safety. But I think another important concern is thinking about what sort of response you want to model for your daughter. Because she does not share your white privilege, there may be responses that are okay for you but may not be so safe for her. This is something I think about a lot.
Julia,
I agree completely, and in situations where I do not feel fear for safety I do speak up- that is why I was beating myself up- I don’t want my daughter ever thinking that this is okay and I want her to know that mommy does not tolerate racist people.