written by Love Isn’t Enough co-editor Tami; originally published at What Tami Said
Damn.
@kellyhogaboom sends me the best links.
When I wrote about some random woman at my high school graduation shaming me for the size of my thighs, a lot of women chimed in with similar stories–criticism of youthful appearance by adults who should have known better, who should have been nurturing and not warping.
That stuff stays with you, I think, especially for women, because society tries to make “pretty” our currency. I know I can remember everything about the moment our neighbor, Mrs. Kaminsky, pronounced that my younger sister would be “the pretty one” and I “the smart one.”
(One day I’ll tell you all about how, all in one summer, I got glasses and had all my once-long hair break off due to a too-strong relaxer. I had to have my hair cut off into a tiny afro. I realize now that my mother could have taken me around the corner anywhere to have that done. Instead, she took me to a fancy salon in Chicago’s Water Tower and made me feel grown up and special. It was the day Elvis Presley died. I remember, because they announced it on the radio as our car sped back to Indiana on the Skyway. Anyway, the “pretty” police do not love a big-boned girl with glasses and an afro. No ma’am, they don’t. Being the not-pretty-but-smart-one was quite mild compared to other things I heard from grown ass adults.)
This video reminds me again of how we build physical insecurities in young girls and then chastise them when they are women for being insecure about their looks. It’s sick.
And this isn’t just a mother’s problem. Studies have shown that fathers play a significant role in shaping their daughters’ image of themselves. This is not just a parent’s problem, besides. I do think that women will have to take a lead role in ending this cycle of criticism and insecurity, because we know the damage it does more than anyone.
How are you working to make the girls and young women in your life confident in their skin?
And what is sad is if you compliment a woman to say she is beautiful and she doesn’t believe she doesn’t believe you because all her life she’s been told that her sister was the pretty one — as if there’s only ONE person who can be pretty and that women cannot claim both–beautiful and smart.
http://dcmoviegirl.blogspot.com/2010/02/hollywood-shuffle-on-black-women-and.html
Creating girls who don’t believe in their own attractiveness – however that’s defined – also is damaging to their future relationships. If a partner says ‘you’re pretty, beautiful, sexy, lovely’ etc etc, and she believes she is none of those things, it essentially means to her she has a partner who is a liar.
Or, if she doesn’t believe they are lying, it means she has a partner who is delusional.
Either way, how can trust exist there?
Every human being is pretty. Inside and/or out. Wow what a show.
Belinda – I’d take it one step farther. When a woman is ONLY defined by their appearance, or rather only receives compliments on their appearance, especially from a partner, there can be a lack of depth of feeling or commitment, on both sides, or insecurity about the same. Weight gain or loss, changes in form or ability level, aging, etc. are a natural part of a long term relationship. But if that relationship has been dominated by appearance, and if (in a het relationship) there is a gender disparity in what is expected of the woman, the foundations can be undermined. Of course, rarely are you going to see the long-term relationship founded solely on appearance… but many relationships are challenged when one partner (esp. a woman) no longer fits the societal ideal of acceptability, or the person no longer can or wants to conform to those societal expectations.
Lyonside: “many relationships are challenged when one partner (esp. a woman) no longer fits the societal ideal of acceptability, or the person no longer can or wants to conform to those societal expectations.”
I find what you said so fascinating, because I’ve frequently noticed that many women don’t fit societal expectations on beauty anyway–meaning they may not be skinny, may not be White, may not fit ableist and ageist standards of beauty–and are seen as beautiful by their partners and accept themselves as such and are happy in their relationships.
I observe many relationships where the woman doesn’t fit the “standard” of beauty but feels beautiful and is loved and accepted by her partner as such. Those relationships defy the meme that relationships fail when looks change.
If the change in fitting into society’s standards has to do with aging, well men age too. I can’t imagine a relationship where only one person ages. If the change in fitting into society’s standards has to do with weight, there are so many couples who both have experienced changes in their weight over time.
I’ve been more inclined to think that relationships are challenged when one or both people in it *reject themselves after their looks change*.
In society it has become too easy to say that a relationship failed because someone gained weight, instead of saying a relationship failed because one person in the relationship hates her body and withdrew her body from the relationship and didn’t want to address it with her partner who missed sex, resentment was built up and the relationship crumbled.
(What’s up with the high percentage of sexless marriages? Certainly the marriage didn’t begin that way)
Not everyone who doesn’t fit society’s standard of beauty actually views themeslves as not beautiful or acceptable in a relationship.
I think society does something deeper than setting and upholding standards of beauty (that many people do not meet without plastic surgery), it also infects society with the message that people who don’t fit the typical standard of beauty do not deserve to have a wonderful sex life, or to love and accept their bodies and be confident in it.
And that people who do those things whose bodies are “different” from the standard do not exist.
To this day the common response to a man caught having an affair is to look at the other woman and analyze her looks then be surprised she isn’t always “beautiful”. Its not about looks but how she makes him feel and her willingness to share her sexual self with a married man who is willing to accept it.
Too many women (and men) disengage from relationships or sabotage their likelihood of being in one. The reasons could very well be internal not external, and I’m not excluding the cases where a relationship is based soley on looks.
I do think that relationships begin because both people like what they see. And I do think that with maturity we get more thoughtful in what we want out of a relationship other than liking what we see.
Alex: I’m not saying that relationships MUST fail. But it is an added stressor. And women are under more of a microscope re: physical appearance than men, and women of color are under a harsher standard than white women. So there it is.
Hell, I definitely don’t look the same as when I got married, and neither does my spouse. But I feel more pressure, internal and external, to “get back into shape” (as if I ever was), and I’m not along among my married/partnered friends. And I definitely don’t fit the “standard” (whatever that is). Never did.
I mean, if I complain about the changes in my appearance, the spouse doesn’t say I’m completely the same and he doesn’t care – that would be a bald-faced lie. Instead, he says that he understands, that he needs to work on it too, and that he loves me. And that’s good enough for me. But I’m not going to be a Pollyanna and pretend that it’s NEVER an element that a relationship has to deal with.
You seem to do a lot of “blaming the woman” (again, assuming heteronormativity), saying it’s internal… well, that doesn’t happen in a vacuum. The negative messages are coming from the outside, society at large, family pressure, cutting comments and slights, and silence from a partner can be as loud as a spoken put-down.
Lyonside – definitely agree with your comments, especially ‘blaming the woman’ (in het relationships). I think often women also blame themselves for their lack of confidence in their appearance rather than the social influences which cause the problem in the first place. And then all that energy is wasted on internal conflict rather than directed outward at trying to change things!
I think it also can negatively affect some het men in relationships: I mean how long can you go on telling someone who you believe is beautiful how attractive they are, only to have it (seem like) it’s been thrown back in your face when they don’t believe you? Especially as in general men are not subject as much to these social pressures and perhaps can’t understand that it is a wider social issue, not a case of one particular woman not being able to take a compliment or trust him with her body.
WOW! This really spoke to me- I was the small, skinny, cute, smart kid- never said to be “pretty.” My sister was the pretty one. Being described as small and skinny wouldn’t seem like a bad thing but when it became the only thing people described me as then I felt I had to live up to being skinny to get approval- yep, did the whole anorexia thing- at my lowest was 63 lbs! I am doing well now- 12 years out of recovery BUT it still sticks- my husband cannot ever comment on my weight- and I have difficulty hearing the word “pretty” to describe me. Since I also have SLE my insecurities are compounded and I do NOT want to pass this onto my daugher. She is adopted and built VERY differently from me. I am petite, white woman and my daughter is African American and on the high end of growth charts- people comment ALL the time about it- usually, comparing her growth to my size (um, she is adopted!) and EVERY time I speak up and state how proud I am of her and how I feel blessed that my daughter is a beautiful, healthy girl. When on earth will adults realize that it is NEVER okay to comment on a child’s physical size?????
I appreciate your pointing this out Lyonside. The blaming the woman thing, I’m willing to own up to. I blame ourselves for being so hard on ourselves and each other. I’ve heard harsher criticism of women from other women, than I have from men.
I find that many men I know lust after Halle Berry AND lust after their significant other and their non-Halle Berry bodies. I know alot of men who lust after women who do not fit the beauty standard.
(I cannot comment on lesbian relationships as I’m not a lesbian–so I’m okay with my heteronormative comments for now…as I cannot pretend that beauty standards are the same effects on lesbian couples versus heterosexual due to this whole “being pretty to attract men” thing)
Because I rate my attractiveness on my feeling attractive and the compliments I get from men who like what they see, even if its not Halle Berry. I have never felt pressure to fit into beauty norms by society. (I admit I like the male attention! Again, I am okay with this because I find nothing wrong with it and I know that will change as I get older. I am enjoying new-found singledom post-divorce. I feel alive but that’s another story)
I think the media makes up its fairy tales about what is attractive. In real life this doesn’t play out realistically. For instance, in real life, a woman of a certain body type is often assumed be assumed to be a “whore” by other women (and other men!) because of the media’s fairytale about women of her body type. The same media creates fairytales that a woman of a certain body type is not worthy of sexiness or that she is overly sexed. Assumptions about skin color plays into attitudes about who a woman is. It’s very damaging because women actually judge each other based off what the media has taught us to to do to each other and ourselves.
I remember the responses to MoNique. It was as if people did not know what to do with her. How dare she find herself and her fat sexy and then it was later how dare she celebrate being fat and then lose weight.
I think women are harsher with each other than the media can ever be. I have had to weed out female friends because of this, because if they were going to judge me all the time on my looks, and think its okay for them to do, I was done with the friendship. My friends accept me for me, or they’re not my friend.
But back to what you pointed out–I do hold women responsible for what we accept or do not accept as true about ourselves and our bodies. The world can tell us stuff, but we still have a choice in what we accept as true. Are we really not attractive because we gained weight?
Or is it because we gained weight, we’re not feeling comfortable in our bodies and that impacts how we feel about it? Or we gained weight and are not feeling comfortable knowing we don’t fit the beauty standard for thinness? I live in a city where the thick and big girls are considered attractive. If you gain some weight, people say you look healthy.
I’ve grown up with generations of women who were overweight who were always on a diet. And their husbands, boyfriends, partners liked their bodies at every size they ever were. Those were men who deliberated chose to date women who had meat on their bones. So it was common to see the women talk about being on a diet and their significant other to shake their head because they saw nothing wrong with their bodies.
That was what I observed about beauty standards versus the media’s fairytales about beauty. Many women are harsh on themselves.
A great post on LJ about colorism:
http://nykinora.livejournal.com/9284.html?view=16452#t16452
Thanks for the link, Witchsistah–there’s an interesting discussion going on over there!
I love this whole conversation because it speaks to me on a very personal level.
I don’t see myself as a “pretty girl” at all, but some people do. I’m biracial, with very light skin and long hair and delicate features. I’m petite.
However, I’ve rarely received positive comments on my physical appearance. I grew up being told that I was ugly, worthless and inferior by mostly everyone around me. Needless to say, my self-esteem is still low at nearly 30 years old. I’m still on my journey of building confidence and trying to believe in myself.
It doesn’t help that people tend to act like I’m at fault because I look the way I do, which creates even more crippling insecurities. Sometimes I cry when I remember all of the terrible experiences I’ve had, the feeling of never being accepted or loved for who I am. I know I’m beautiful on the inside but we live in an extremely shallow world.
My cousin has always been obese, but she went on a diet last year and has lost nearly 100 lbs. People have always considered her gorgeous, even at a size 18. She was always the one who received all the love and attention. She is loud and extroverted, unlike me…but no one has ever told her that she is ugly. I grew up hearing that on a daily basis. Some might say that it is because she is confident, but it is easier to be confident if life has always been smooth sailing for you. Her life hasn’t been perfect, but it’s been far less difficult than mine.
Not only did I fade into the background because everyone overlooked and ignored me, but I also grew up without my father. My father left my mother when I was two years old. He considered the other woman prettier than my mother…that was the reason he left. He didn’t care about me. I had to live with a stepfather who took all his hatred out on me. No one ever told me I was pretty as a little girl. No one ever made me feel special or beautiful or worthy.
And because of that, I cannot see anything beautiful or worthwhile in myself. My mother loves me but she still puts immense pressure on me to be thin and straighten my hair.
My own husband isn’t always understanding of the situation either. He is a wonderful person but he just doesn’t get it. I’ve tried to explain what it is like for me as a mixed-race woman, feeling like I will never be accepted for who I am, feeling like I will never measure up in this world. I’ve seen how he looks at some women, especially blondes, and it hurts. I know he loves me and cares deeply about me but he is not really attracted to me in a physical sense.
I’m sorry about this emotional, long-winded post but it brought tears to my eyes. I’m not a “pretty girl” either…I’m just a work in progress.
[Note from Tami: Cinnamondiva, thank you for sharing your personal story. While we're discussing how beauty standards impact girls and women, we need to also be mindful of sizeism. You said:
The implication is that your cousin's size is remarkable and that being fat prohibits a woman from being gorgeous. I'm not sure exactly what your cousin's dress size has to do with the rest of the story. I just want to make sure that as we discuss this powerful video, we don't unwittingly commit some of the same sins were's fighting.]
Well, Tami, I’m sorry if my comment offended you. I was not implying that at all. It’s a bit disappointing that you took it that way. She IS beautiful…I mentioned her size because I’m trying to share my own battles with self-esteem and body image. She is more confident than I am. I mentioned her being a size 18 as a way of stating that a woman doesn’t need to fit certain standards in order to be confident. It isn’t an attempt to belittle anyone. I have my own insecurities about my body, so why would I be insulting to others?
If I can be honest, it seems that you’re reaching by accusing me of sizeism. I try to be sensitive to everyone, including other posters here at LIE. I don’t recall saying that being fat prohibits anyone from being beautiful. If it seems that I somehow implied that in my comment, then I apologize…but that wasn’t my intent. Just wanted to clear that up.
BTW, just to clarify even more…I also mentioned her size to show that people of all shapes and sizes can be viewed as beautiful. In American culture, a size 18 is generally not the ideal. But in my Caribbean culture, a woman of my cousin’s size is just as attractive as a size 8. Maybe the way I worded it was a bit awkward. I realize that it sounds funny to say she is considered gorgeous “even” at a size 18, but there was no ill will behind it. I mentioned my cousin because as children and young adults, unfair comparisons were often made between us. We weren’t treated as equals. It was based on looks. She might have been bigger physically, but she was considered prettier and better than me in every way. If we are discussing how favoritism plays a part in how female children are treated (like Alex says in her first comment), then this is what happened to me. It is painful to grow up hearing that your sister/cousin/friend is beautiful and you are not.
@Cinammondiva,
Thank you for clarifying. I’m glad that’s not what you meant.
My fellow editors and I read the comment and were concerned about the wording. I am not accusing you of being sizeist, but pointing out that saying someone is attractive “even though” is often a way of giving a backhanded compliment. That was not your intent, but without the context you just provided, it is easy for that comment to be misunderstood.
I added a note to clarify the blog’s position, as we often do with other issues. I’m glad that you added your thoughts as well.