written by LIE contributor Renee; originally published at Womanist Musings
I came across an article in Madame Noire that neatly dovetailed around a conversation I recently had with a friend. The article concerns parents who have decided to allow their teenagers to have sex in their home. The response was mixed, with some in complete agreement, and others saying that they planned to teach their children abstinence.
I have had a lot of time to think about this over the years and each time I publicly discuss my approach to sex education, the naysayer hail fire and brimstone crowd inevitably attack my supposedly over liberal ways. Since he first started asking questions at the age of three, I have been very open with my oldest child about sex. I have always answered his questions in simple basic language, so that he could understand what I was saying, but I was always honest and forthright. My goal from the very beginning was to establish trust and an open dialog. I never want there to be a time when he feels that there is a question that he cannot ask me.
The unhusband and I decided that on his 12th birthday, we will start to leave condoms in the bathroom for him to use or not use at his pleasure. We have both made it clear that we would prefer him to wait until he is emotionally ready to engage in sex, but we are well aware that our wishes and his decisions may not coincide. I was driven to this decision when an article appeared in our local paper about twelve years olds having lipstick parties, at one of our local schools. I realized that the pressure to have sex has greatly increased since I was kid.
Today, our conversations about sex have moved beyond the simple mechanics, to conversations about consent, sexuality, masturbation and STD’s. It is important to me that he understands the concept of enthusiastic consent before he becomes sexually active. An absence of no does not mean yes, and this is why we have talked about not pressuring a partner into having sex and to respect boundaries. Just as we have taught him that he has autonomy over his body, it is important that he understands the same concept of autonomy applies to others. We started this project by simply asking him if we could hug or kiss him and accepting his answer as final. We have never forced him to show affection to others, and from this he learned what it is to respect the personal space of another.
We have told him that masturbation is a perfectly valid outlet for sexual feelings until he is ready to have sex. He never has to worry that I will walk into his room, because I have always knocked before entering and I don’t enter his room even to clean it without his express permission. We have talked about the fact that sex is more than penile vaginal penetration and why this is a heterosexist approach to sex and sexuality. We have talked about why it is important to know yourself completely, and that sex is about sharing an intimacy.
When he turns 16, we will grant him the right to have sex in our home. It is my hope that he will wait until he is older to take this option, but at the very least, I know he will not be sneaking around and that he will have protection readily available. Sex is a natural part of life, and I refuse to pretend that he is not a sexual being, because he is my son and we have been taught to teach our children abstinence. I would rather live in the real world, than to have him become an early father, or to have an std to live with and quite possibly die from. It is our belief that parents who take the abstinence approach to sex education, leave their children unprepared to make responsible informed decisions. There is a far cry from providing a safe environment and education, to encouraging irresponsible behaviour. The most important thing that we can do is to talk openly and honestly to children about sex from the moment they start asking questions without making any assumptions about their sexuality. At this time, our child has not revealed whether he is gay, straight, poly or bi, but whatever his sexuality turns out to be, it is my job as his parent to ensure to the best of my ability, that he is prepared to make the right decisions for him.
Although 12 years old seems so so young to have sex the first time, I agree about providing condomns and protecting our children from STD’s and teen pregnancy. Having said that, when I mention such to my colleagues who have teenagers, they are appalled and I have one who has a 15 year old dating a 19 year old and she is adamant that her daughter not take birth control pills cause too young, she refused to have her vaccinated for the papillovirus (free in Italy where I live), and as for providing condoms in her book it’s encouraging sex.
I know when my son will come of age (he’s almost 9 and just experienced his first crush), I will be the one doing the talking and buying the condoms etc etc cause my son is more comfortable talking with me than with his dad (it may change in the years to come, but now that’s how it is). I have a cousin who is HIV+ that he got having unsafe sex…he’s doing well on antivirals, but during his moments of “I don’t care what happens to me” it did.
I don’t know about when is the appropriate age to have sex in our home, but some Italian parents are coming around to your way of thought, better in my home than who knows where (here in Italy cars in deserted parking lots or woods are “a la mode”).
Thank you for this post. I am the mother of a small boy but I hope to be brave enough to approach a discussion of sexuality with such candor. I know that it can be a very uncomfortable talk but so very important. I am fully supportive of giving my son access to birth control and talking about sex whenever he wants to but for some reason the idea of granting him permission to have sex in my home seems, well…weird? I would much rather he use a safe space but it just seems so beyond the imagination. I hope to get there some day though.
Hmmm… “When he turns 16, we will grant him the right to have sex in our home. It is my hope that he will wait until he is older to take this option…”
I love your blog. And I usually agree with what you write. As an ally then, I just want to call you on what could be seen as an adultist point of view, one that I and many other parents are also guilty of.
Adultism says that our kids are ours–our property– and we literally have the power of life and death over them. (Just look at the Casey Anthony trial verdict. Parents acquitted a fellow parent of murdering her daughter, the ultimate weapon in the arsenal of parental authority… Or consider how many parents tell their kids, “I brought you into this world and I will take you out if you ever do that again” or “As long as you live under my roof, you will do as I say..” ) So when I hear about “granting” rights and taking away privileges as the authority figure, I hear adultist power being exercised. (I tried the same approach as a parent, believe me.)
We adults maintain power and privilege over children and youth in many ways. Letting go as my sons grew older and moved into greater autonomy by making their own decisions was one of the hardest things I had to learn when they became adolescents. They were sexually active long before they were 16–and before I was ready for it as a dad. As a teen myself, I was sexually active long before my father had the condom talk with me at 15.
Our kids own their bodies and are already making decisions about how to find pleasure and who to share themselves with in a variety of ways. They will NOT wait for our permission. They probably won’t come to us for advice or condoms. They probably won’t tell us that they are sexually active, and they most likely won’t discuss what they are getting into with us beforehand. “Mom, I’m thinking of getting busy this weekend after I take girlfriend/boyfriend to the movies. What are your thoughts?”
As a parent, I still struggle to check myself as an adult with power and privilege that youth do not have. Sharing power is never easy for people in the dominant group. I wish I could have figured out how to do it better before my sons rebelled and ran away from home and got into highly risky behaviors. It sounds like your approach to sex education is awesome and inspiring. Incorporate anti-adultism, and you might be able to provide the rest of us with a road map for how to stay connected to our sons and daughters as their allies, not as their overseers and protectors.
John Raible says: Oops– I need to clear up an adultist comment I just made in the above comment. By saying “Our kids” I am perpetuating the parental and adultist view that kids equal parent property. My bad, and I apologize.
I should have just said “Kids own their bodies..” and not “Our kids own their bodies.” Sounds very different, doesn’t it?
Children are always sexual beings, you cannot permit someone to become something they are already.Granting your son the right to have sex in your home guarantees he will have sex elsewhere before he is 16.While I applaud and support your stance it needs a tad more realism.Raising girls is different too, better to keep them safe at home having sex than elsewhere somewhere unsafe.
Renee – just a word of caution. The age of consent varies from state to state, but in most states it is 16. If your son or his partner is under the age of consent and the other is over, the person over could end up with a criminal record labeling him/her for life as a sex offender. Make sure that you know the rules and that your son knows the rules in the state where you live.
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