Written by dopegirlfresh; Originally published at Feministe
Trigger warning: sexual harassment, groping, erasure of victims/ survivors.
I have two beautiful children in my life, whom I enthusiastically co-parent. I am not partnered with either parent of these children. Instead, I am called their Auntie, because calling me Miss [name redacted] is way too formal. It’s a nuanced relationship — I am an authority figure, sponsor of fun time, shoulder to cry on, homework helper, and food exploration specialist. I’m what Patricia Hill Collins would call an “other-mother.” The eldest of the two, Brianna (not her real name, I won’t be using real names here), is thirteen. Her baby brother, Patrick, is three. Because Brianna is so much older than her brother, she often lives a drastically different life than he does. She goes to and from school by herself, has a course of study at her magnet school in NYC, and is beginning to explore the world around her in ways that Patrick cannot/ doesn’t. Because of her age, I’m always pondering how Brianna processes media and various experiences that she has. She’s a black girl in a huge city where it’s easy to become invisible, for a million different reasons. I worry. I ponder.
A few weeks ago when I went to visit Brianna and Patrick at home, Brianna told me that she’d just come back from one of those send-the-poor-brown-kids-to-the-mountains-for-a-week camp program things. I asked her if it was fun, if she missed her brother, mother, or stepfather. She said that she missed her brother, but was glad to get away, and then she exclaimed. “Auntie, I got really tan! And I swam and played in the sun. I had a good time for the most part . . . But they called the cops on me yesterday on the way home.” I shit you not, my head almost exploded. I asked Brianna to repeat herself and explain the circumstances to me.
Brianna said that there was this kid about nine or ten years old at camp, Michael, who had been bugging her all week. She said that it began with hits and pinches, pokes and staring. The usual bullshit that I think most kids are exposed to. But, she said that his behavior escalated. That Michael began saying things about her growing breasts and her ass — and that when she spoke to her group leader (an adult), she simply told Brianna to “Tell him to stop it.” No action was taken by this adult. Brianna said that she felt bad that nobody stepped in — but the excuse of her group leader was that Brianna is “older and bigger” than this other child. So, he chilled for a bit once he knew that there was an adult watching him. On the last day of camp, as the kids piled onto a bus to come back into the city, the harassment resumed. This time, Michael decided that he was going to touch the parts he’d been commenting on. Brianna warned him, shoved him away and told this same adult — who was supervising this bus trip — what happened. The woman told Michael to leave her alone, and did nothing else. Brianna told this woman, “I’m gonna beat him up if he touches my chest again.”
He did it again; she socked him square in the face. The group leader rushed to this boy’s aid and called the police, citing Brianna’s age and size as reasons why she should not have hit Michael. The adult had the bus driver pull over, and she called the fucking cops. On a thirteen-year-old who acted in her own defense. Thankfully, the police never came. But: this woman did not follow camp procedure (no incident report, she did not contact Brianna’s mother or the other child’s primary caregiver). She called the fucking police. Who, thankfully, never came.
I was livid. I began to think of all the ways Brianna’s needs for safety and protection had been invalidated by someone to whom her care was entrusted. I thought about all of the possible points of contention. Here we had a white adult and a large group of children of color in a setting that is more or less based on the assumption that these are Kids Who’ve Never Been Anywhere or Seen Anything Worthwhile. The fact that this woman did not address the core issue — the continual, escalating aggression of this little boy — is not lost on me, nor is the fact that she left Brianna to handle it herself. Reading the urban child of color as “tough” is typical, even when a person of color is the one doing the reading. It’s the same kind of thinking that causes folks to treat the reports of missing and/ or assaulted women of color differently than they do white women’s reports.* And the rush to involve police with two children of color — do I even need to go into that? Black folks and police have not ever been the best of friends. Why do that to either of them, but especially to Brianna who was defending herself from unwanted advances? What did this teach her? She said that she understood the actions of the adult in this situation as less than ideal. She said she didn’t expect support, but that she was shocked that this woman called the police.
To realize that Brianna had already internalized the idea that she was not worthy of protection (even by her own means) was absolutely heartbreaking for me. Already? She already knows nobody will give enough of a fuck? I felt betrayed. I felt all of the rage from my own experiences with street harassment and groping. I identify all forms of unwanted touching, especially in what I call the bathing suit areas, as sexual assault. And sometimes I forget that not everyone does. But, whether you think of these actions in a particular way or not, I have to ask: WHAT THE FUCK? Why make the child responsible when they’ve come to the clear realization that adult intervention is needed? Isn’t that your job as a fucking camp counselor or group leader or whatever title you’ve got?
I’m still processing this. Brianna and I did have a talk where I affirmed her choices to stand up, and I did not question or cast doubt on her narrative. I believe her. She deserves (a) to be believed, (b) to be affirmed in her feelings, thoughts and actions, and (c) to have the assistance she requested when she requested it. I made sure she knew that, and I offered my empathy for her having been mistreated so. She thanked me, though I had nothing to do with any of it.
I’m proud of her. Proud as hell. It doesn’t remove the sting, though. I hate that I feel so helpless, that I literally cannot jump in and fix it. But, that’s part of parenting and loving. I’ve got to roll with it.
______________________
* See the story of Romona Moore and the victims of Cleveland, OH serial killer and rapist Anthony Sowell for an idea of what I’m talking about.
Stories like this make me want to BE a camp counselor (and I just might when I get a FT teraching job and the kids are older). I’ve experienced similar incidents at school and summer programs – would it have killed the counselor to do as I’ve seen some adults do and plunk right down next to the offender and have a few quiet words in his ear that put the fear of God into him without broadcasting the whole incident (and maybe spawning copycats)?
Sometimes I think that the smart, vocal girls, especially of color, never get believed because they don’t fit the “quiet meek victim” stereotype, that if you are vocal enough to ask for help, then you should be able to diffuse the situation with a peer. But as an only child (and Brianna is an oldest-child, right? – it’s a similar dynamic) I was FAR more adept at talking to adults than kids my age, especially boys and bullies.
My reflex action was to cry, very very easily. In retrospect I think this was a subconscious way for me to say “Look, that really did hurt, I’m serious, please believe me” because in the schools I was in, that worked on adults who at least would isolate me until I calmed down (not solve the problem, mind, but give me a break from harassment). But it didn’t work all the time, and there are a lot of kids, esp. POCs, who get the message from both adults and peers to not cry, stay strong, toughen up. That encourages victim-blaming – damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
13 yo girl does everything right when facing sexual harassment and groping – including physically defending herself
Adult FEMALE camp “leader” – How the hell did this woman get this job? Were there any consequences for her failure to follow camp procedure?????? Any person with even just the most basic moral compass would know the boy was the sexual aggressor.
I can not conceive of being in that kind of situation and not helping Brianna.
Brianna is awesome.
UGH. And caveat lector. Some of the c0mments at Feministe remind me of why I stopped visiting Feministe. Safe space is precious, and I hate having to go 1000 rounds of Sexism 101, Racism 101, Classism 101, and Intersectionality 101 just to show support.
Ugh! I’m seeing red over here.
You mention that the counselor’s “handling” of the situation taught Brianna that she’s not worthy of or entitled to protection; but you didn’t mention that it also taught that little boy that his continued sexual harrassment/assualt of a young black girl didn’t merit adult intervention. Both are just absolutely unacceptable lessons for these kids to be taught.
Can you write a letter to the camp director?
Brianna, I am so proud of you too. I did the same exact thing when I was 14 and a White male classmate said something vulgar about my breasts and Black girls and put his hands on my breasts on the bus during a class trip. I punched him in the face to send the message that I was not going to be compliant while he groped me.
I too would be pissed at the adult(s) who called the cops on my child, didn’t support her and didn’t follow protocol and notify parents. I’d be at the camp to discuss their sexual assault and bullying policy and their training of camp counselors.
Irate, helpless in the situation…that’s me. We work hard to feel worthy and teach our children the same. This counselor’s behavior undermines what we try to teach. Fie on her! Hopefully both the young woman and the little boy get better lessons the next time. But I wonder…in this world…
What has that young boy just learned? There must be further action that can be taken.
Yes, go to feministe & read comments with extreme caution, if you care about race & class & intersectionality.
This story made me so angry I couldn’t write for several days. And in the end, I don’t actually have anything to add to the conversation, as it has already been said. So many bad messages were sent, to both Brianna and the boy, to all the other children, even to the adult (she seemed particularly engaged in re-affirming her own prejudices & beliefs).
I do hope that something can/was be done, to hold the camp accountable. Somewhere along the way they failed. FAILED. They should know that and figure out how to prevent such occurances. Because if it’s happened once, you know it’s happened before and will happen again.
That is inexcusable and has the roots of a lawsuit. It is ironic because I was just thinking about the “send our brown and white kids to summer camp dilemma” myself this very morning before I checked in here. Lyonside is right as I don’t think I could send my children to one without being there as counselor myself. Also why was this a mixed boys and girls over night camp? Don’t camp coordinators know by now that it it much safer for girls to be without boys at this age? I’m relived that she was not physically assaulted.
If anyone has a chance or has yet to read the great scholastic book from the 1970s, “Josie On Her Own” by Gunilla Brodde Norris. I highly recommend it and it is only about .50 cents for a decent used copy . It is about a young inner city Black girl who goes to an all white summer camp after her mother saves for ages to pay for it. She then becomes the target of a really mean rich white girl. It sounds cliché but the book is very powerful in how it shows the potential emotional and even physical dangers for children of color when they go away to camp. Brianna, I am so proud of you as well!
Correction: Brianna WAS physically assaulted. My fears are that she could have been at the mercy of corrupt adults who’d have physically hurt her further. Just inexplicable.
This is heart-breaking. That camp counselor just taught TWO kids some VERY messed up things! And I suspect she, at the very least, failed to follow camp policy. That boy assaulted Brianna – and since she was told “she was bigger”, wasn’t she being TOLD to PHYSICALLY make him stop?
I was similarly (and routinely) assaulted at age 10 by another child – and learned the same things. Only I had NO IDEA that punching the kid in the face was an option, so GOOD FOR HER for that. I was almost 30 years old before I learned that the only response to some things is to FIGHT back, even if that means a literal fight.
I am not Black. I was poor. I am continually shocked by how either of these things seems to equate to “well, that’s what you’re here for/why should I care?” to folks who are supposed to have our backs. I am hoping that you and Brianna’s other co-parents have the resources to take action and be taken seriously. I wish you well with that.
Assault- sexual especially, but not solely- is NEVER okay.
This adult clearly needs to understand what her actions taught ALL of those children- because every last one of them was watching. She taught that entire bus that a girl defending herself against sexual assault is wrong, and it will be punished.
The talk you had with her, though, will help her from internalizing these messages, and, when- sadly, it’s not so much an “if” in this day and age- she encounters a similar situation, she will not feel guilt or shame about punching another attacker in the face, nor question herself nearly as much as if other adults in her life had not accepted her story as the truth.
Hi, everyone! Thanks for reading and commenting. first, let me say that B’s mother is dealing with all of the back and forth eith the camp staff. Because I am not legally responsible for her, I’m giving moral support. As soon as I know more about the camp’s response, I’ll hopefully have some good news to share. Again, thanks!
I agree with everyone here. Wow, just…wow.
BTW…I apologize if this is derailing, but I wanted to know if you guys heard about the white teenagers who brutally murdered the Black man in Mississippi? They drove around looking for a Black person to kill and they ran him over with a truck. This story is hot news and it completely shakes me to my core. It reminds me so much of James Byrd being murdered in 1999. And Brandon McClelland.
We are most certainly not “post-racial”, no matter what anyone says. Back on topic…I, too, am proud of Brianna for defending herself.
I have heard that news, and had the same associations you did, and shakenness… So, yes, it is derailing but it’s an important topic. If no more conversation happens about it here today, maybe you could raise it again on the Thursday open thread tomorrow? We should definitely talk about it.
“This adult clearly needs to understand what her actions taught ALL of those children- because every last one of them was watching. She taught that entire bus that a girl defending herself against sexual assault is wrong, and it will be punished.”
NoApologies – You are so right.
Yes I actually remember every news story of such incidents. Sickening. It is why I wish that more states allowed men and women permits to carry a handgun or a knife on their person legally. Maybe he would have had a chance of survival if he had a gun on his person that night. Sidenote: I learned in self defense class that the moment someone violates your personal space by putting their hands on you, you have every right to attack with full force to stop them. And once they are stopped, run!
The incident with the 13 year old, sadly, also happens with grown men stalking, harassing and assaulting girl children on the street.
Essence recently posted an article about this and women were sharing their stories of similar verbal and physical assaults at the hands of men, when they were girls.
http://www.essence.com/2011/08/11/real-talk-were-you-sexually-harassed-at-a-young-age/
This makes me wonder…if a 9 or 10 year old already holds such low regard for girls/women then we obviously have a serious problem with sexual education not being taught at a younger age or not being taught at all. If this child’s parents aren’t going to teach him that a woman’s body belongs to her alone then who the hell is going to teach him that? And what is going to happen in the future when that boy is older and wants to touch a woman who says, “Stop!”?
Brianna, such a strong girl! And too young to already learn that life is unfair and has such harsh lessons.
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Melanie,
I don’t know…see the sex education classes I had as a child did not talk about how to interact with each other in healthy ways. The focus was on where babies came from and maybe STDs education (I was a child in the 1980s).
I think that all children should be taught about boundaries, sexual harassment, sexual assault beyond the “if someone touches you on your genitals, tell your parents/teacher” stuff that is taught in some schools.
Raising awareness makes children more empowered to not only speak up but support each other if something like this happens and hold each other accountable for misbehavior that crosses boundaries of the body.
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