Sometimes the people you think you know end up surprising you…and not always in a good way. Even with long-time friendships, there can be facets people reveal that can both stun and sadden you.
To be clear, I understand completely that one needs to accept his/her friends as they are, good, bad or in between. Yet it can still be jarring to suddenly learn about attitudes that you didn’t know existed. Attitudes that, despite all attempts at neutrality, leave a bitter taste in your mouth.
I’ve been friends for years with a married couple. They’ve been wonderful and supportive friends despite our ideological awk, Fox News! differences. They also happen to be a couple affected by infertility and as I went through the latter part of my infertility journey, they were both, individually and together, people with whom I could share my fears and pain.
Their infertility journey has lasted the 10 years of their marriage. Though some ART was tried, there was a discomfort with the process. There was talk of moving to adoption, but the husband has had cold feet. Seriously cold feet.
His is a “you never know what you’re gonna get” fear about adoption that he readily admits is irrational. If I’ve talked to him about it once, I’ve talked a thousand times. He knows it’s nutty, but just can’t seem to get over himself. His wife, however, wanted to move forward with adoption. His reluctance proved to be a stopper. So they’ve achieved a type of détente, living child-free, traveling many times a year, and enjoying life.
Of course that didn’t stop me from feeling empathy with his wife. But for his admittedly irrational fear, she could be enjoying the parenthood she wanted. It isn’t my place to meddle in someone’s marriage, but I did always feel bad that this issue seemed to be one he couldn’t move through, even for her. And that man loves her so much, he’d drink her dirty bathwater. I’ve seen that love that borders on adoration in his eyes. It is beautiful.
Recently we had a business dinner that allowed me to catch up with the wife for the first time a long time. She asked about my kidlet and I lamented described my recent challenges with my spitfire of a daughter. Somehow I segued to the controversy I had inadvertently started on Facebook when I asked for advice/strategies for continuing to teach my then 3 3/4-year-old Zara to read. She shook her head with disbelief when I told her that some “friends” felt that it was traumatizing to a child to encourage early reading.
As I finished recounting the whole saga, she turned to me and said, “Zara is so smart!”
“Yep, she is,” I agreed, thinking of how her intellect is both blessing and curse for us as her parents. That child is smart enough to employ manipulation tactics that would make a teenager proud.
“You are so lucky,” she stated.
“Lucky and challenged,” I agreed, reaching for my martini.
“What would you have done if she wasn’t smart?” she asked lightly.
Thinking that she was joking, I quipped, “encourage her artistic side and keep her off the pole.” (I wasn’t sure she’d get the Chris Rock reference but I thought it was worth a shot…)
“But see, you guys are so lucky. You and AdoringHusband are both very smart. What would you have done if you had adopted a kid who turned out not to be smart?”
I realized then that she was absolutely serious. What kind of question is this? Have I traveled so far into Parentland that this reasonable question from a non-parent is raising my parent-hackles? Or is it that this is one of those incipient train wreck questions that shouldn’t have been asked in the first place? Like when people upon learning that my child joined our family through adoption would ask, “how much did she cost?” But this was no ridiculous stranger or near-stranger. This was someone who had been around since the loss of my pregnancy, the grieving, the steps toward adoption, and the glory that is my kid. Why is she asking me such a question? I thought to myself.
I opted to play it straight (naturally) and give the honest answer.
“If our child didn’t have intellectual strengths, we would encourage the talents and gifts that she did have. That’s what any parent would do.”
“But it would have been so bad if you two smart people didn’t have a smart child,” she said sadly.
By now the hairs on my neck were rising to attention, though the vodka did impair the erector pili musculature a bit. She sounded as if the greatest tragedy in the world would be for smart parents to not have smart offspring. Give me a freaking break! Then I got a hold of myself again. She is entitled to her feelings and thoughts. I don’t have to agree with her, but I need to respect her right to feel as she does.
“But even if she were our biological child, there is no guarantee that she would have been an intellectual like we are. There is no genetic guarantee that the offspring will possess the features, temperament, or intellect of the parents.”
“But at least if she were your biological child, you know that the fault of her not being smart was with your genes and not somebody else’s genes.”
What fucking difference would it make? I exploded inside my head. Would it be easier to assuage myself that Johnny didn’t get into Yale because of my genetic screwup versus the intellectual deficits of his biological parents?! What the hell are we talking about here? Genes, traits, biology…shit! Is Eugenics next? I was not liking where this was heading.
“The fact of the matter is,” I began carefully, “your child is your child, period, be they biological or adopted. Full stop. End of story. Your role as a parent is to love, nurture and support them as they grow into adulthood. Whatever features, talents, or traits they possess, your job as their parents is to help them successfully play to their strengths and bolster their weaknesses. Fault doesn’t even enter into my consciousness because it doesn’t freaking matter. She is my daughter. Even if she had the IQ of a pet rock, she would be my daughter and I would love her unconditionally no differently than I do now.”
I felt my voice rising a bit, so I paused for another sip of what was an excellent martini.
“I hear what you’re saying,” she began, “but with adoption you just never know. It’s kinda scary.”
“Girlfriend, you might want to think about that a little more. Parenting is scary whether the kid shot out from between your legs or was brought to you by Martians. Parenting is one of the most scary things a person can ever do. Sure if you had birthed the kid and s/he turned out ‘wrong,’” I said making air quotes with my fingers, “you could just blame it on some recessive genes or whatever floats your boat if that makes you feel less responsible somehow. But real parents don’t look for fault or external places to lay blame. Real parents focus on the kid and doing everything humanly and inhumanly possible to raise that munchkin into a happy, self-sufficient, productive adult because that is the real endgame.
“If you think adoption is scary, don’t adopt. Just don’t. But I can tell you quite clearly that it isn’t adoption that’s scary. It’s being a parent responsible for raising a child to the best of his/her abilities and aptitudes. That is really fucking scary.”
By now, I realized that having crossed well into the land of profanity I had a good pissedoffishness going on. I took a moment and opted to check my cell phone rather than continue my little rant. Her husband had started talking to her on her other side, about the wine, the food, or something else less emotionally charged. I smiled as I saw the beauteous face of my daughter on my cell phone screen, knowing that by the time I got home, she will have pushed all of AdoringHusband’s buttons and then some, as is her wont.
I looked over at my friends chatting mildly with each other and the pissivity drained right out of me. Instead, I suddenly felt sad…very, very sad. I felt so sad that two good people could have such limitations on who they could love. Though their love for each other is unwavering.
Yeah, I am lucky, I thought, sneaking a peak at my kidlet again on the iPhone screen. My heart is open for love in its many forms, and I am so much the better for it.
My husband and I went to a party with friends last night and hanging out with other couples always reaffirms that I’m with the right person for me. Some of the things they say and the way they interact with each other makes no sense to me.
Maybe this woman had this opinion all along or maybe her husband said it long enough that she finally accepted it but that couple is on their page and you and your husband are on your page.
I think there are many people who go into parenthood with the idea that their offspring are going to be little “Mini-me” replicas of themselves. They don’t realize that because of the random rolling of the genetic dice their kids just might take after some other relative way back in the gene pool.
My mother basically wanted a girly-girl she could dress up to her heart’s content. Instead she got a tomboy. About ten years ago she told me that she always felt she hadn’t gotten the daughter she’d wanted. Fortunately, I was well into my fifties when I was told this and could handle this revelation. My grandson is ten and may have Asperger’s or be somewhere on the autism spectrum, but his parents love him fiercely, as do we, his grandparents. What I’m trying to say here, somewhat clumsily, is that there are no guarantees with children, no matter where they came from. Our duty is just to love them.
You sound like a terrific mom. Best of luck to you.
One of the biggest fears my husband and I had prior to the adoption/not-adoption discussion was that we would raise a child who was not smart. This probably still is my husband’s biggest concern because he is incredibly bright (not being braggy but it’s the truth) and he never felt that he related to his family or parents (who are smart but not the way my nerd husband is) and I know that he is scared that when our son grows up they won’t relate to one another in that regard. I can completely understand this being a huge concern for someone prior to them actually having a breathing, living child that they are raising. However, did the friend need to phrase it quite like that? Probably not, but I’ve discovered that often, when discussing parenting, people don’t have tact or subtlety or they don’t understand how their words can impact others. And I’ve also discovered that when it comes to having a conversation about parenting, I am much more sensitive than I use to be or even thought I would be.
Also, just because you have a breathing, living child let’s not assume that “unconditional love” comes readily or at all. Sometimes it is hard work. Even for parents who are raising their biological children. Yes, it would be nice to say that we all love our children SO MUCH that we would ignore shortcomings and only focus on their strengths, but that isn’t the case and we shouldn’t use language that perpetuates the idea that it is not okay to discuss it when we don’t love our children unconditionally right away, or ever.
I’m torn between thinking that people should be adequately informed about any potential issues with any adoptive child, or that they should realize that adoption is like having a biological child in that you get what you get and nothing changes that. I am leaning towards the first option just because it would be grossly unfair to a child to be placed with a family unequipped to deal with their unique needs.
Sounds like the woman has a severe case of cognitive dissonance going on… I hope that someday this couple is able to get over their fears. Not so that they can adopt a child, because I don’t think that they would be ready for that without quite a bit of work (and even then), but because ignoring with their internal conflicts and fears is going to eventually lead to a whole lot of regret that even their unwavering love might not be able to withstand.
Before I was a parent, I wanted to my children to be smart. After I was a parent, I wanted them to be happy.
As the mom of a child who “turned out wrong”, I hope she never has kids. If you aren’t willing to take the bad along with the good, you have no business in procreating or adopting.
Beautifully put, Momsomniac
AMEN. I’ve been amazed at how many non-adoptive parents have given me the, “You don’t know what you’re going to get,” song and dance, as if having a biological child is any kind of guarantee that my biological child would be born with my husband’s brains and my thick head of hair (and not my family’s history of mental illness, and his family’s heart disease). When I was pregnant with my middle son, I didn’t know if he’d be born with all his fingers and toes and working heart, or be born with hydrocephaly or any number of crippling genetic conditions. When he was born two months early, I didn’t know how that would effect his development and growth.
When I adopted my two other children, I actually knew a heck of a lot more about them before I became their mom than I did about the son who grew inside me. So there.
And three cheers for Momsomniac.
I may sound jaded, but it speaks to the common stereotype that adoptees are flawed human beings, the rejects of their bio-family and that they are commodities that must meet the expectations of the parents who adopt them. That’s the elephant in the room that makes us all uncomfortable to discuss.
I am an adoptive parent — just to be clear on who I am — such stereotypes are friendship-ending ones, along with the idea that children are born stupid (versus children being born intelligent beings who need to have their minds engaged, stimulated, nurtured along with their health, all which factors into the external expressions of intelligence that we value in our society…a child who communicates well, understands concepts, is a deep thinker often is raised by parents who nurture this in the child, who make sure they eat nutritious food which impacts brain development, who express affection, who keep them safe, who make sure they get enough sleep so child can learn, grow, thrive).
It took my becoming a parent to notice how some parents to view children as a reflection of who they are, how they raised them and/or as a reflection of where the child came from, and the stereotypes associated with the missing genetic family of adoptee children.
To think an adoptee child could be fundamentally “stupid” when joining a family speaks to a belief that the child came from stupid people and an ignorance of cultural assumptions and definitions of what intelligence is and how it manifests in children. All children are intelligent but the underlying assumption is that intelligence is genetic, that a child can be born from “good genes” , which again, commodifies children, and sounds sorta like what eugenics is based upon–the idea that certain people are born inferior in intelligence to others and thus are fundamentally inferior, not good enough, et cetera.
I have always believed that parenting should involve compassion. How would children feel being raised by parents who were so sure that their child came to their household not intelligent enough?
Friendship-ending for sure because it involves a belief in the inferiority of adoptee children, and a belief that the child’s biological family is inferior in intelligence to their own family.
Its sorta like finding out a friend has racist beliefs and no longer feeling the kinship.
I wonder if this is about adoption so much as it’s about being childless. When you don’t have children, you don’t understand some things about what it’s like having children. It’s one of those things that you don’t know what you don’t know. Before I had may children I worried about all kinds of stuff and a lot of it was shallow — what if she’s not smart, what if he’s ugly, what if I just don’t like him or her? These are things people worry about who don’t have children. When you have children, however you get them, this stuff just becomes so beside the point. The people you love, including your kids, are the special people you love and you see wonderful things in them because you love them and they are wonderful. When you don’t have children, you can’t understand this fully. And it doesn’t matter how many times you babysit your sister’s kids, or your neighbor’s kids. When they’re YOUR kids it changes the relationship profoundly.
“If I’ve talked to him about it once, I’ve talked a thousand times. He knows it’s nutty, but just can’t seem to get over himself”
And I’m glad he has not because both of these people should most likely never become parents. That sounds harsh but once the “good genes” crap comes out I’m happy when the users of said Eugenic based social Darwinism have neither adopted nor breeded.
In all fairness though and since you care about these folks, she may be 100% jealous , angry , hurt and left out of what you have. Yet she needs serious self reflection more than a baby if she believes such nonsense. Her husband at least knows who and what he is. Hopefully they will evolve.
it’s all down to one thing…so many people are so ignorant about adoption and adoption issues that we a-parents seem to be the ones who feel like they need to instruct and/or help others understand…at least I try…but then I see the blank look and realize, they don’t care…they just want to know if my boy is a good boy.
Like some other commenters said, I just want what’s best for my kid, I want him to grow up happy healthy and a good human being…don’t care if he is top of the class or bottom of the class, as long as he is happy. That couple should not have children, what would they do if their child be it biological or adopted have “issues”??
Thanks for your comment, Melanie. Being one of those scary-smart oddballs who never meshed well with her smart family, I understand the concern. Yet I think when we sign on to be parents, we must commit to loving, supporting, and nurturing our children no matter their strengths or weaknesses. And yes, it would be very sad if my daughter and I end up relating to each other with the incomprehension that happened between me and my mother, but adoption or not, that would still be a risk. Yet my friends felt that it if their biologic child was not smart, that would be OK because at least the fault would be theirs. That’s the part that bugs me most.
Also, as far as I said, I don’t think I ever indicated or implied that unconditional love always comes easily, but I do think it is something every kid is entitled to. I didn’t get it from my mother, father, or stepfather, but as an innocent child I was entitled to this unconditional love. I think all children are. Whether they get it, however, is something completely different.
it would be grossly unfair to a child to be placed with a family unequipped to deal with their unique needs
But what happens if biological parents are unequipped to deal with their child’s unique needs?
I want my kid to be happy and smart and successful!
Totally agree, Christine!
While I totally understand your position, Alex, to me it isn’t the same as as if I found out that they were actually Klan members. Remember, we have agreed to disagree about many issues based on our politics (FoxNews), so I do respect the right for them to hold their opinion even if I do not agree with the opinion itself. Moreover they have not allowed whatever biases they may hold to affect how they treat and interact with my daughter. So again, while this discovery does not make me happy, I can continue my relationship with them.
Thanks for your feedback!
Ann, while you are correct for the vast majority of parents, it doesn’t hold true for all parents. There are too many therapist’s couches filled with those who suffered for not being “something” enough for their parents. My hope would be that were they to become parents through adoption, they would, in fact, find that love is love. However that is still a gamble since there is a possibility that they will not “love” their adopted child the same way or through the same lens they would use for a biological child. And that gamble would be troubling for me based on what they have expressed.