Dear Love Isn’t Enough.
As the new school year approaches my husband and I are again finding that we need to address race issues within the school system. My stepkids are teenagers in high school and more of these issues are occurring. Sadly, it seems that most of the racial comments are coming from teachers rather than other classmates. I am not sure if this is worse or better than if the comments were coming from classmates.
First, my husband and I are both white. We have full custody of my stepkids who are biracial Hispanic. We also have two young daughters who we adopted from China. I grew up in a diverse area and witnessed much racism. I was taught that many people treat each other differently based on their skin color and that this is wrong and that I should say something in those situations. My husband grew up in a predominately white area and did not really see much racism other than on TV.
In the past couple of years my stepdaughter has come home with accounts from school largely involving inappropriate comments or actions from teachers. Some of which I really felt required intervention by my husband (For instance, contacting the school and asking for a meeting).
Examples:
While in class, a student makes a joke about the kids at school who are mentally challenged. Instead of correcting this child, the teacher laughs at the joke. (Actually administrators were informed of this and the teacher was made to apologize to the class).
While in class, the teacher refers to an Asian student by the name of a different Asian student who is not in that class. When the Asian student corrects the teacher the teacher responds, “Oh, you must be the other one.”
While talking with a teacher about general family stuff, another student mentions she has a younger sibling who was adopted internationally. Stepdaughter mentions her family’s ethnic make-up. The teacher comments to her, “You live in a regular United Nations.”
Another situation: my stepdaughter told a coach that she was not going to make practice because she had two tests to prepare for. The coach responded that there were other girls on the team who were coming to practice and that they are in the top 10 percent of their class. Then she added, “I doubt you fall into that category.”
This was one comment I felt my husband should have called about. My question to this statement is why does this person doubt my stepdaughter can be in the top 10 percent of her class? Because she’s Hispanic?
None of these single incidents happened in close proximity to each other—this is over the past two years, but it definitely seems to be a tone.
Recently, my stepson was cut from a high school soccer tryout. He is an incoming freshman and the school only has JV and Varsity—so while it is disappointing, he is an incoming freshman. Then stepdaughter mentioned that only four kids were cut from the team and that three of the four are Hispanic.
My husband is seriously up in arms. This was another situation where I asked if there were other minority kids being effected and at first ‘Dear Hubby’ dismissed me—until his daughter mentioned most of the kids who were cut are Hispanic. My husband told me he didn’t listen to me because he simply did not believe it would/could happen.
***Sigh***
My husband said he is calling the principal to talk about all this and the tone of the school. This is not about my stepson getting on the team. I doubt he would accept it after being cut even if offered. I also doubt he will want his dad talking to someone at the school.
We know our kids need to grow up and learn how to deal with this kind of crap. As parents we have to walk a line between letting them handle situations on their own in their own way and knowing when we need to step in and take action.
What do you suggest in this situation? If he meets with the principal, what are some points, questions, requests he should make?
I think the entire staff needs training on race relations.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Anonymous
Anonymous,
I have certainly endured my share of micro-and macro-aggressions as an African American woman–both as a child and as an adult. Few members of marginalized groups are so naive as to believe that we have reached anything close to equality. Still, it makes me sad to know that children of color, and their parents, are still dealing with this stuff.
A few things come to mind as I read your story:
- Please encourage your husband to educate himself about race, racism and privilege. It is a privilege to be able to believe that racial bias no longer exists. It may be normal that, given your husband’s upbringing, he is less sensitive to incidences of racial prejudice–especially as it plays out today: sometimes subtle and confusing. But as children of color, your kids can ill afford a dad–even a loving one–that “simply does not believe [incidents of bias] could/would happen.”
- If both parents are smart about race, you can provide all of your children with a solid foundation to confront prejudice. And I think that is a key step here. Some of the instances you mention could be outright racism, some could be benign and several appear to be microaggressions: “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color.”
Microaggressions, in particular, are part of life for members of marginalized groups, including people of color, girls and women, etc. Unfortunately, there is no way to eliminate these from your children’s lives. You won’t be able to address every case of microaggression that they face. And so, it is important for you and your husband to understand race, to talk to your children about race and to strengthen them to deal with obstacles.
- Educators should understand race (and gender, and sexuality, etc.), be aware of their own privileges and biases, and trained in sensitivity. How literate are the educators in your school/district about race? In your meeting with the principal, I would find out and would definitely push, along with other parents, for regular diversity education.
- As a parent, you are smart to be concerned about these things. Good job! Keep working to educate yourself, your husband and your children’s teachers. And find ways to support your children and build pride in their race and cultures so that they can deal with the racism that they will surely, sadly, confront as they grow older.
Readers, what do you say?
There is an an organization called SEED, Seeking Educational Equity and Diversity that was founded by Peggy McIntosh. We are fortunate at my children’s school that they run the program for parents and teachers. It was originally targeted at teachers. I’m not sure what is involved in starting it, or what kind of training is required, but it may be worth looking into before you speak to the administration at your school. It sounds like it would benefit all involved.
Bravo, Tami…I couldn’t agree more!
I feel bad for the parents. These incidents seem to be the type of subtle racism that can be difficult to confront. And people can be so defensive when you call them on it.
Yes, microaggressions have always been a big part of my life as well. Just as one example of what I experienced with a teacher in high school…she told me that my hair texture was “strange”. At another time, she told me that I shouldn’t even bother to think about attending college. I am of mixed race and this kind of stuff happens to me all the time.
My husband (who happens to be white) has been teaching for 16 years at a mostly white private school, one of the most expensive in our state. He has only had a few students of color in his class over the years. I’ve had long talks with him about issues affecting underprivileged minority kids, especially since I grew up as one myself. So I’m trying to work with him on some of the unconscious privileges/biases that he has. Because he does have them…it is, after all, part of what whiteness means in this country. It is a mentality that needs to be dismantled one step at a time.
And Tami, this was pure poetry: “it is a privilege to be able to believe that racial bias no longer exists”. Yes! That is the truth. If I could hug you for that statement, I would.
My mother is a minority, like me. But because she is originally from another country, she has opted to deal with racism in a way that is both curious and disturbing to me. She tends to deny that it exists for the most part, except when she is really moved to anger or sadness (like when Trayvon Martin was killed or when she overheard her boss making insensitive comments about how the world would be better if Africans were still enslaved). I believe she denies it because this is her way of avoiding the hurt that comes with discrimination. Sometimes it is odd when I see a person of color denying that racism exists, because that has always seemed like a “white privilege” mentality to me. But there was one incident when she was truly upset because a saleslady accused me of shoplifting and she insisted that we never shop at that store again.
Anyway, my point is that Tami is right, Anonymous…the kids need you to be in their corner. They need to be able to talk to you both when things like this happen. It is critical to prepare them for what is out there. The reality is that as people of color, they will be living in a society where they will be judged on race and physical appearance, not the content of their character. There is a lot of ignorance in this world. The best way to fight back is by giving them the tools and knowledge to handle certain situations. Think of your family as a team and this is one issue the team must work through together.
Tami pretty much said it all. I hope y’all will find a way to work with the school on this and continue to instill positive reinforcement in your children…it will make a world of difference. Best of luck to you!
My little brother (Mexican/EBC/White) and my little cousin (Vietnamese/EBC/White) are just starting to vocalize these things. They’re fifteen, and sophomores in high school. They live in a traditional Southern town, and it’s been really bad lately. For instance:
The teacher was talking about the earthquake in Japan, and stopped to ask my cousin (who is half-Vietnamese), “Did any of your relatives get hurt?”
My brother and cousin were in Walmart with my uncle, who is Vietnamese. A Walmart employee came up to them and asked if they needed help finding something, then quickly asked, “Do you speak English?”
I think it’s difficult for my brother and cousin and the rest of my family to deal with these things in an educational way, because we are generally very sarcastic people. So, for example, in the above situation when my uncle was asked if he spoke English, he started rambling away in French to the Walmart employee, shocking and confusing her. (He was born and raised in France)
It’s definitely landed both my brother and cousin in trouble a time or two…
@ Chaya…I feel you on that! Happens to me all the time. What I hear very often is how “articulate/educated/well-spoken” I am, as if that is somehow shocking. It’s kind of like a backhanded compliment. Because being a minority means that I HAVE to be dumb and act like a stereotype, right?
Or like the ignorant people who ask “what are you?” and “your English is sooo perfect…where are you from?”
I actually don’t blame your brother and cousin for reacting the way they do. I try to be nice, but it gets real tiresome when one has to constantly educate folks. Sometimes we just want to get through the day without having to explain or justify being different. Personally, it makes me feel like people see my race/color before they see “me”.
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your cousin and your brother. Like half my family is from Jamaica but I don’t fit the stereotypical image of what people think a Jamaican person (or a mixed-race person) should be or look like.
BTW, my 4th grade teacher is the one who first described me as “articulate” to my mother. This word can be complicated when a white person applies it to a POC, because it seems complimentary on the surface, but it also plays into notions of the POC being “a credit to their race” (to borrow an old saying). Like you’re not typical of the stereotypes I have in my mind about people like you, but oh, you’re so smart/pretty/unlike all those other brown folks.
It makes me a bit stabby.
Hi, I read often but this is my first post and what excellent comments to join. I do not want to diminish what these parents and children are dealing with but in two decades since my mother was told by Mr. A Loftis of Shasta County school district , “you need a bone through your nose with that hair” teachers en masse have had to radically scale back their racism and prejudices or end up in deep trouble. Shasta County has a sickness of racism and is an extreme example. A black classmate of mom’s was one of three children who took their own lives within one week in the county during the mid 80s and a Gay couple were lynched by skinheads in the late 90s. I think we’d see more all out aggression today and less micro-aggression were it not for the hard work of anti-racists and the townhall of the web. I know on this blog we respect teachers but I also like that we can still respect them and mention those who go far beyond fail into some kind of sickness. Nothing was done to Mr. Loftis (not her teacher by the way, just a nasty person). It was simply viewed as an “over reaction on her part and a bad choice of words on his part” and she was even pulled out of the hallway at lunch time and into a classroom by another teacher (again not her own) named Mr. Wilhelmi and of course the school principal, who tried to convince her she’d “started trouble by over reacting”. His own words. There had been micro aggressions too, many but I fear that now that incidents as unlawful as what mom went through finally equal criminal charges, micro aggression will be the new sickness on the part of racists and ignorant teachers. Both forms being very harmful. Keep speaking out everyone, keep teaching.
Apologies, as I am a bit confused as to how a comment such as “You live in a regular United Nations” might be deemed offensive. I think it recognises multiculturalism, and different nationalities trying to live and talk under the same roof.
I understand my sensitivities might be different due to my race – so would love some help in understanding. Thank you!