Well, we are, but we aren’t.
Anyone who has seen Tiny Smalls and I together, or her with her dad, they’d know that we are really affectionate. She’s all about the hugs and the sugar (that’s kiss for those of you who don’t know) and is usually climbing all over us, touting her snaggle-toothed grin. But when it comes to other folks outside our immediate circle, no ma’am.
I have never and will never force my child to hug or shake hands or even chuck deuces to someone she may not be comfortable interacting with. Nope, not gonna do it. When we force our kids to do this, we peel away their agency and begin to impress into their brains that they must show adults affection — even when their gut is throwing up stop signs.
I’ll never forget a time when I was around 5, hanging with my gramps and we ran into a relative that I didn’t particularly care for. She went to hug and kiss me and I said “No.” Instead of forcing me to show faux-affection, my grandfather let her know, politely, that no love would would be shown that day and we went about our business. No harm, no foul. That was one of the first instances when I realized that I was a person and that my feelings and thoughts were important. Yay!
Children are much better judges of character than adults, since they have yet to be socialized to become sheeps in the flock. They trust themselves and their intrinsic knowingness, as they should. How many adults do you know who are re-learning to trust themselves? Mmm hmm!
This is not about being rude, aloof or trifling; it’s about giving Tiny Smalls the tools she needs to make her way in the world as best as she possibly can. How many of our children have been harmed by adults they’ve been mandated to trust? According to the American Psychological Association, 90% of children are abused by someone they know and trust. I’m not saying that abuse is 100% preventable, but how many of us give our children the opportunity to give their opinions either verbal or non-verbal about the adults we bring into their lives? How many of us take them seriously when they say they don’t like cousin Boo Boo?
I clearly recall a time when Tiny Smalls was a baby and we were at a local diner placing our order. Several folks peeked into her stroller and she gave them the gummy grin, but when this one woman tried to get closer, she gave her the mini-stink eye and began to pout. At that point, I told the woman that she needed to back up, as my child is feeling some type of way. She did because, well, she didn’t have much of a choice. There have also been times when strangers on the street have said hello and she’s given everything from a curt “no, thank you” to speeding up and walking faster. She knows what she knows and I trust her knowing.
And that’s what it comes down to, trust. We have to trust that our children have insight into their own lives and needs, paying attention to their cues while doing what we feel is best for them.
Oh my gosh, you’re reading my mind. I really needed this boost.
My babe and I attended a wedding a week ago, and I can’t tell you how many relatives just expected her to leap into their arms and kiss their faces when she’s seen them once before in her entire 15 months of life!
I felt torn between us being perceived as rude, and protecting her bodily integrity from those, no matter how loving and well-meaning, who would trample it to get a kiss. It’s hard to tell a relative to back-off. Harder, I would venture, than telling a stranger, but I have to keep reminding myself that being “rude” in the moment is nothing compared to teaching my daughter that adults have a right to her body.
I love this post but when you write, “According to the American Psychological Association, 90% of children are abused by someone they know and trust,” you mean that, of the children who are found to have been abused, ninety percent of them are abused by someone they know and trust? And it would help to know regarding this citation if it refers to children in the US or where? We need to be clear about these statistics because they are so powerful. And yes to giving kids the right to not be hugged, kissed, tousled, high-fived and pummeled by our well-intentioned friends family and random others.
Damn, Aiesha, you’ve been on fire with these posts lately!
And I love the catchy title…cool word play.
My thoughts on this are all over the place. I was raised by a strict Jamaican mother who was all about enforcing certain standards of behavior…it would have been frowned upon if I had told somebody (no matter how politely) that they needed to keep their distance. I’m painfully shy, so I’m considered to be aloof as it is. My mother expected me to be open and trusting with everyone but this was problematic, especially as I grew older.
I’m not comfortable with being touched unless I know the person very well and I love/trust them. I was sexually abused repeatedly as a young girl and I also had experiences with racist people petting my hair without my consent. So yeah, I’m not cool with being touched by most people unless we’ve established a friendship or relationship.
I believe that children have the right to bodily autonomy. I never really had this as a kid, so I intend to let my future children know that they don’t have to accept being touched if they don’t want to. Some people might see this as rude but I don’t care…empowerment starts at home.
It sounds like Tiny Smalls is on her way to being a strong, confident little miss!
Do you (everyone) expect your children to greet others verbally? When? When not? I think a lot of the same principles apply. Kids can just get a bad vibe from someone and rightly not want to say hello/goodbye/make eye-contact. On the other hand, I’ve seen White kids not greet POC when the situation definitely called for a greeting and that is not something I want to tolerate from my white-looking kids. I don’t generally expect my kids to greet strangers but not to greet a host or guest is rude, y’know? Or maybe it’s rude for a 12 y.o. but not a 2 y.o.? 4 y.o? Maybe this is just something they learn by example?
I’m thinking about the same things as Karen L. Like Aiesha, I would never compel my child (now 4 years old) to have physical contact with anybody. But I do feel very uncomfortable when she refuses to greet somebody (not a stranger) verbally, which often happens. I’m not sure if race enters into it for her–she seems to be an equal-opportunity non-greeter–but as a white parent (my daughter is Asian) I feel bad when she refuses to greet a person of color. Like Karen L, I’m wondering what is the right age to make an issue of this with my daughter. So far, I have tried the old, “How would you feel if you said hello to someone and they wouldn’t say hello back?” which has not been effective…
Well, I don’t have kids…please forgive me if my thoughts have no place in this discussion. But I think both Karen L. and Miriam have raised good questions.
I believe that children should be encouraged to be polite, showing basic respect and courtesy to others. There is never an excuse to be disrespectful. However, there is a difference between a verbal greeting (“hello, Mrs. Johnson”) and an adult who expects physical contact when the child isn’t comfortable with that.
Sometimes children can be painfully shy too…that can explain the reluctance to be friendly with people, even those they’re familiar with. It is rude to not acknowledge somebody but there might be other reasons behind that and it is worth talking to kids about, trying to help them work through it. Shyness is often mistaken for rudeness or arrogance. Also, depending on the child’s age, they might still be in the process of learning appropriate behaviors/responses in certain situations.
As to whether a white or very light mixed-race child is rude to not greet a POC, I wouldn’t be quick to assume that there is bias involved. Maybe that is the case, but one can’t assume. Since your daughter is Asian, Miriam, then she is also a person of color. It sounds like she just might be very shy around people in general…it doesn’t sound like she has an issue with prejudice toward any particular group, because you said that she seems to be an “equal-opportunity non-greeter”. Making it about race would be a bit confusing at this age, especially when that might not be the case.
I’m sure it makes you uncomfortable, especially as her mother, because people tend to think that kids pick up certain behaviors/attitudes from their parents. But don’t worry about it too much. She might outgrow it with time. And you can also talk with her gently, try to find out what the reason could be. Manners are important but it is also important to remember that kids are still developing their own personalities and they have moods, etc.
But like I said…huge difference between acknowledging verbal greetings vs. being expected to hug/kiss or let adults play with their hair. The verbal greeting part seems to be more about shyness or social anxiety, while the physical part is more about the comfort level and trust that a child has with certain adults.
That’s just my perspective, though…hope I didn’t offend anyone.
@Aiesha: I totally agree and it has been SO HARD to do, especially with my daughter. She is much more picky about who she wants to hug, be held by, etc. My son would somewhat go to anyone, but my daughter needs to feel comfortable in the situation and with the person first. I feel it is so important to enforce the idea “your body, your choice” regarding touch and whatnot and that needs to carry over to relatives and to us as parents. I’ve had people in my husband’s family (even close relatives) PULL my daughter from my arms as she screams and it made me so upset. I’m still learning how to stand up for her and for myself. I think that the idea that my children should be polite and also racial identity does play a part in this, as some have stated above. There are people in my husband’s family (they are West African) who have stated outright that they think she is afraid of black people or that she’s afraid of their hair (yes, this happened). I know this is not the case, because she is fine with some people and not with others and it is usually dependent on the SITUATION (is she tired, hungry, is she in familiar surroundings, etc.) and the way that the person is trying to engage with her (allowing her to make the choice or being forceful or loud). I also feel bad because in my husband’s culture a child ‘belongs’ to the whole family equally so everyone should be able to care for them. Unfortunately, we do not live close enough to make both of our children feel comfortable with everyone. Its a tough issue, but I think you are right that the bottom line is that children have the right to dictate who touches them and who does not.
This is a huge issue for us. My daughter is painfully shy- won’t greet even people she has known her whole life until she is good and ready (if ever). NEVER MIND PHYSICAL AFFECTION. But in the Latin@ community physical affection is expected and normal, even with strangers. And so – as we are Latinas – this presents a problem! And so I feel so conflicted- I am never going to force my daughter to kiss someone just because that’s culturally expected. For all the reasons that Aiesha mentions. But I still feel guilty, like I’m rejecting (or allowing my daughter to reject) my/our Latina-ness. ah, the guilt. In the long run, though, it’s more important that my daughter be confident in her bodily autonomy, in deciding who she wants to be affectionate with.
@Patti, the AMA’s stats are definitely US-centric. This isn’t a global conversation in the sense that I am speaking as a Black mother in the US. And you are correct, it should say “90% of abused children.” Thanks for guiding me to clarity.
Thanks for the comments, as for the issue of politeness, this isn’t about being polite. Tiny smalls is very polite in the sense that strangers remark often on her politeness and have done so ever since she was itty bitty. It’s also not about being rude either. It’s really about her level of comfort and agency. Seems like we, as parents, are often “afraid” of what other people will say about us and our child rearing if they aren’t polite enough — whatever that means. Now, while Tiny Smalls may not always respond in away that others would want, she is always respectful and I’d rather have a respectful child than one who is “polite.” In my experience, politeness tends to lead to “going along to get along” and getting involved in situations that you might not otherwise get involved in because you don’t want to appear rude. But that’s just me.
I hear you, Aiesha. I guess I used “polite” and “respectful” interchangeably. But I was basically agreeing with you. That’s why I used my own upbringing as an example. Sorry if I was unclear or worded my statement poorly.
@turtlebella…I’m from South Florida, where there is an overwhelmingly Latino/Hispanic population. It is very common to see Latinas kiss one another on the cheek in greeting. It doesn’t sound like your daughter is rejecting her Latin culture or identity. She just isn’t comfortable with being touched or being openly demonstrative with people. I guess it comes down to bodily autonomy, like y’all said. And individual comfort is important, too. I think sometimes cultural norms and expectations can become intertwined with an individual’s own personal agency, and it can make things complicated.
@ Montclair Mommy…I see why some Black people would feel that way, especially if they have encountered a non-black child who expressed fear of dark skin or tightly coiled hair. But I also wonder if some of your husband’s relatives might be projecting negative emotions onto what seems to be innocent behavior on your daughter’s part. As I said to Miriam above, it sounds like they are attributing her actions to rudeness or even racism when this isn’t the case. Kids do notice physical differences, but unless a child has been taught that differences are wrong or bad, I’m inclined to think that they won’t generally act with prejudice. I find it a bit disturbing that they would assume that she fears Black people, when there is no basis for that. It sounds like cultural differences are at play here, as well as the notion that it is OK to handle children’s bodies without their consent. It is only a race issue if adults choose to make it one. Some kids just don’t like being touched.
I guess things can be somewhat murky when the whole cultural dimension comes into play. People violate the boundaries of others all the time while giving very little thought to it. It comes down to cultural expectations for some people (“my culture views this as normal/acceptable”) and at worst, ignorance for others (not caring about how the touching or even unwanted comments make a person feel).
This might not be a very good example and slightly off-topic, but it’s kind of like how in my Caribbean culture people will often see nothing wrong with telling another person they’ve gained weight…often unsolicited and very rude. But I’m not sure they mean to be hurtful. It’s just that there is a lack of boundaries. The person making the comment generally lacks awareness that another person’s body is not something to be talked about like public property. And I guess it’s the same with kids. Many adults seem to believe that children are not entitled to say when something makes them uncomfortable, because they’re not old enough to be independent.
Sorry if my thoughts seem to be incoherent.
@Cinnamondiva: Yes, I think it might be some projecting. The interesting thing is that my daughter LOVES her grandparents so much, but sometimes the situations in which she sees them (holidays, parties, after traveling long distances and missing a nap) are overwhelming to her. When it can be on her own terms, she wants to be affectionate and be held. When she is feeling overwhelmed, she wants the familiar (mommy). And that is her right. I really don’t want to offend my husband’s family, so I try to gently ease her into contact with people when she is resistant, but I have to always remember that her feelings are number one. Other people’s feelings should come second. This is DEFINITELY not the case, culturally. In DH’s culture, the desires of the adults and people that are older than you come first always and that lesson is taught fairly young. If great grandma asks you to come there and sit on her lap, that is what you do. Period. If she asks you to go get her something, you do it. I think I was brought up with a somewhat opposite approach–kids’ desires are catered to for the most part, so I think working that out in our families has been/will continue to be a journey.
I would expect my daughter to go get what great-grandma asked for. I would expect her to do that for just about any adult, actually; I do think that adults outrank kids, in general. That’s different, in my mind, from forcing a child to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to.
I want to honor her boundaries and teach her that she has control over who touches her body and how, but at the same time I do want her to learn that she is not the center of the universe. She has plenty of autonomy and control over her time, but when we are with family I expect her to interact politely and do what she’s asked.
As the mother of Aiesha and the grandmother of Tiny Smalls, I do take responsibility as to how I wanted my daughter raised and now my granddaughter. As an investigator for 15 years in Child Abuse and Sexual Assaults, my way of thinking have become very jaded. I trusted no one with my child except my parents and her father. Relatives were screened and threaten before hand. In my fifteen years of interviewing a child concerning abuse in any form, the child was always aware of the perpetrator. From relative, to family friend , or someone in authority. When ask why he/she did not inform the parents, the combination of answers was always the same. Fear that they would not be liked by the perpetrator, their parents/caretakers knew the perpetrators so they thought it was alright/justified, fear of death or bodily harm to self and family members, and the biggie, fear that their parents/caretaker would go to jail. In interviewing family members once the perpetrator is known; family and caretaker response usually was, I heard he/she had an issue but not with my child so I trusted him/her. I told my child if anyone ever messes with them let me know and I will kill them. I told my child that he/she is the teacher or person in charge and listen and do what you are told. I believe that we are to teach our children to be respectful and polite but also instill in them that adults are not infallible. Give your child permission to say “no” and then explain to the adult as to why your child has responded in that way. Never make your child feel uncomfortable about his/her gut feelings about anyone. Listen to your children; react as positive as you can; even within the negativity. Love them and show them love. If you don’t know how ask someone that does. Trust me, I made mistakes as a parent; but I protected my child, maybe a little be too much, from the evilness that lurks within the human. As a child, I ask my father could I spend the night with a classmate, my father’s response, don’t you have a bed!! I know now what he was saying. Peace and love to all. Aiesha, I am so proud of you.
Late to the party here, but I think a lot of well-meaning-white-liberals view children of color, especially those with white parents as is the case with my child, as pets, or people who exist for their entertainment/amusement. We frequently experience white people wanting to touch/hug/feed/patronize our child when we aren’t seeing them do the same with the white children. Our child was in foster care and has the typical poor boundaries and indiscriminate attachment, and needs to be taught that only her parents do caregiving tasks with her, and she checks in with her parents before any hugging, touching, or moving out of her parents’ proximity. You’d think people would realize that attachment stuff is likely an issue with an pretty-obviously adopted child, but so many people (strangers and acquaintances) just can’t respect this, and will get offended or even contradict us when we say that our child may not hug them, go with them, take food from them, have them examine her injury, etc. So many people just can’t let it go and act like we owe them an explanation, and like our daughter’s history is their business when we’ve said, no, she can’t just start touching some stranger’s necklace on the bus or whatever, and they’ll start talking about how, oh, sure she can, she’s just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen or similarly patronizing BS. I’ve actually said to people that I’m her parent, and I’ve given her a direction, so how do you think it’s appropriate to contradict a child’s parent and tell her she should listen to a stranger rather than the person responsible for her?