By Guest Contributor Renee; originally published at Womanist Musings
As much as I love my children, I was absolutely giddy to see them get on the school bus last week. The unhusband and I were singing and dancing, as the children pouted and whined. For as much as they complained about our joy, they were actually ready to leave 45 minutes early, which tells me that they were ready to get back on routine. We went outside to wait for the bus on our porch and it was raining causing Destruction to quip, “You see that, even God is crying for us today.” I have to admit that this cracked me up.
I spent that first day reveling in the silence and hanging out with the unhusband. When the school bus pulled up at the end of the day, the dog barked loudly and ran in circles, but I was excited to hear about their first day. The moment Destruction walked in the house, he told me he had yet another incident involving the word “nigger” and my heart just sank. They shouldn’t have to deal with this ever, but the first day of school?
My kids have had problems with the [this kid] before and so this time he got smart. Instead of directly calling either of them “nigger,” he decided to very loudly sing, or rather rap, a song that had the word in it, of course emphasizing the word every time. This, I assume, was his way of thwarting the rules, having already been spoken to about why it’s not appropriate to call my sons “niggers”.
Once again, I got on the phone with the school and the bus company and I had to fight to be heard. We supposedly agree that this word is hurtful and racist, but apparently, in this context, it is supposedly not as serious. Clearly a kid who has a history of using this word as a weapon should not be given the benefit of the doubt. Clearly his intent was to harm my children but convincing others of that was a problem. Throughout the conversation, the bus company struggled to get me off the phone and I steadfastly refused to just let this go. In the end, through my complaints, I managed to get the [child] suspended from the bus for two days. As sad as that is, this is actually a massive achievement because this is the first time I have managed to get some kind of consequence for the racial insults my children have had to live with.
Discussing this with a friend, she claimed that at least part of the blame belongs to black rap and hip hop artists who continue to write lyrics, which not include the word but variations like “niggas”. In many ways this argument suggests that it is appropriate to blame the marginalized for their own marginalization. I will never ever use the word or any of its manifestations casually because I believe that all slurs amount to verbal violence. That is my personal feeling; however, I think it’s a form of arrogance to suggest that others who share my marginalization must negotiate our shared oppression the same way. ”Nigger” has the power to wound all black people, but since we do not exist with a hive mind, we must allow people the right to negotiate their experiences as they see fit.
The truth of the matter is that white people were calling blacks “nigger” long before the first rap or hip hop song was even an idea, let alone created. They don’t need encouragement or our permission to keep this word active because they are capable of keeping it part of our social lexicon without any help. We have made it clear repeatedly that there is never a time in which it is acceptable for white people to use this word. No matter the person’s intent. Because of the history of the word, it cannot be divorced from racism, bondage and violence when it is said by a white person. Even if one black person may be comfortable with their white friends or acquaintances using the word, it does not remove their privilege or give them to right to say this word in public spaces where it may offend or trigger other blacks.
White people cannot say “nigger”, “nigaz”, “niggas” on a bus, train, plane, boat or any other public gathering space. In short, just don’t say it or whine about how it’s okay for blacks and not for you. Rap music or hip hop are not now or ever will be to blame for white people using this slur. That’s just a clever little excuse people lean upon when they feel their right to be offensive is being impinged upon. ”Black people made me use a racist slur” is never, ever going to be acceptable justification. The thing is, this [kid] knew he couldn’t call my children this word and so he did his best to circumvent the ruling by rapping the slur. My children are not fools and knew exactly what he was doing and why. It’s no secret that this word is taboo no matter who uses it but particularly so for white people.
His excuse didn’t work this time, largely because, as a parent, I was absolutely determined to hold him accountable for his choices, but I am quite sure that he has already begun searching for a new way to use racist language around my children. The truth of the matter is that though most white people will be wary of using the word “nigger” in mixed company, many are quite comfortable using coded language to get their racist beliefs across. This kid just hasn’t learned how to do so yet, but is well on his way. Coded language is just as harmful as a slur because the intent is to wound or diminish; people just don’t get as much flak for it. We all know what these coded phrases mean, they are just seldom identified as racist.
Each year that I send my kids to school, I hope that we can go through a year without having one racist incident. This year, we didn’t even make it through the first day. It never gets any easier to deal with their pain or to fight with the school and school bus administration, but I do it because I have to. I was recently asked if I am teaching my kids to hate white people, because of the anger that I have regarding whiteness and racism. What this person didn’t realise is that I don’t have to teach my kids this lesson because white people teach them all on their own. My job instead is to keep their self esteem high, while teaching them to differentiate between whiteness and white people. The truth is, if racist white people were really so worried about being hated by blacks, they would stop being racist, but that would mean giving up privilege and that is not about to happen anytime soon.
Oh Renee, I hear you. Here in Italy it is still common for “older” people to call blacks Negro, Negretto or Moretto – I continue to chastise them telling them that it is now considered racist and they should just use black or brown or people of colour.
Keep teaching your children well and keep up their self-esteem as you are doing. As I tell my son, we all bleed red blood, we all cry salty tears, our exterior may be different but our basic body functions are very much the same.
Sometimes ignorance and people’s acceptance of it is overwhelming. What would make ANYone feel that this behavior was proper? Especially considering past behavior. Okay, I won’t rant, but if the people in leadership positions have difficulty in recognizing and guiding children, what is our hope?
I can only say, as a white person, that there are those of us who support your struggle and come down heavily on your side.
This post hits a nerve with me because I’ve experienced racial slurs since childhood…I’ve been called a “n*gger”, a “chink” (by whites) and a “cracker” (by blacks). My white husband has asked me why it is OK for Black people to use the N-word, but unacceptable for white people. He feels that it is a double standard.
I’ve explained it to him in the same way that Renee did above…that this word is tied with the history of hate and oppression. It runs deep and it is painful. “N*gger” is an ugly term, no matter how some people might try to tidy it up and put a positive spin on it. Mind you, I don’t condone its usage by POC either. I don’t agree that a Black person is reclaiming ownership by using this word. I would be happy if it were completely eliminated from language altogether. But it doesn’t have as much impact or venom when it comes from a Black person, IMO. It is much more hurtful and gives me a more visceral reaction when a white person or non-black POC says it.
I would like to say that the non-black people who use this word don’t understand how hurtful it is…but I’m not sure that is true. I believe that in most cases they are fully aware that it can be used to hurt and oppress Black (and mixed race) people. So essentially, it can be a powerful tool in a white person’s arsenal. That is what makes the difference, I told my husband. White privilege is all tied up in that six-letter word.
And what Renee said is very true, that some white people won’t come out and say “nigger” in mixed company, but there will be some coded language. Some people will use terms like “ghetto” to get their racist beliefs across. We all know that describing something as “ghetto” in America is code for poor, Black, and urban…but racist whites use it as a disdainful adjective for anything they deem inferior.
The first time the N-word was hurled at me, I was 12 years old. The boy who said it was a classmate that I thought was my friend. We would eat lunch together and talk and laugh. I was stunned when he told me very casually one day that I had “nigger hair”. I didn’t know how to respond. My mother had never prepared me for the kind of racism I would experience. I would continue to have many more racist incidents as I got older, but I will share more at another time.
I’ve also had the weird experience of being a VERY light-skinned woman of mixed race and hearing non-black people around me saying very racist things about Black people. It has made me wonder if these people can be trusted. Clearly they are a bit too comfortable with me because my skin is fair and my features are closer to a white person’s, because I doubt that they would say this stuff in front of an unambiguously Black person. The few times I’ve attempted to tell somebody that it isn’t OK to talk that way, I would be told: “Oh, but you’re not really one of them. You don’t look black so why are you defending them?” It pisses me off.
Renee said: “I was recently asked if I am teaching my kids to hate white people, because of the anger that I have regarding whiteness and racism”. This comment is poignant for me because I don’t hate white people. I don’t hate anyone at all. But like Renee, I hate the privilege that often comes with whiteness. I hate the fact that whiteness can be used to destroy the lives of POC. I hate the fact that whiteness can hurt a person’s self-esteem. I hate the fact that it continues to taint the psyches of people today with its insidious messages about beauty and intelligence and character.
I agree with Renee…it is critical to make sure that children of color, especially Black and mixed-race children, receive acknowledgement of their worth in a society that wants to tear them down.
What I’m going to need is for so-called liberal or “progressive” Whites to step the hell up and do some active work to change this stuff. Y’all need to be doing MORE actual anti-racist work and less feckless commiseration with people of color. It’s not just the racists that teach our kids to hate White people. It’s also the inactive, ineffectual White folks who seem to be more concerned about LOOKING good in front of PoC than BEING good whether we’re there to witness it or not.
How many times have I been hectored that “not all White people are like that” or “the majority of Whites don’t have anything against people of color/ are not racist?” Well, if that’s the case then why does racism still occur overwhelmingly in this society if so many Whites are against it? Contrary to popular White opinion, PoC aren’t stupid. We know if Whites said was actually true, society would function a lot differently. For starters, that kid would have been afraid to use that word in public for fear of White opprobrium. And even if he did, those in charge would have come down on him like a ton of bricks. No need for a mother of a Black child to try to convince unwilling folks that kid was wrong.
I realize this is delayed, but I’m just now finding this site.
Here’s my story:
I’m the white adoptive mother of a black son – he came into our home as a foster child at 5 months. His adoption was not finalized until he was 3 years old. I also fostered several other children, among them a 16 year old black female. She freely used the N-word. I asked her to please not use the word in front of my son who was just learning to speak. She did not seem to understand what the problem was . . . why I would not want a toddler to walk around dropping the N-word. In response, I showed her the clips of Oprah and Jay-Z discussing the word, its roots, and their decision to agree to disagree on its use. I think this at least helped her to understand that this is a real issue with real history, that language has power. At any rate, if you haven’t seen the interview, it’s worth looking up for that portion.
Another late reaction: the bus company is full of shit. They know what is going on; they just don’t want to have to deal with the extra work of disciplining this hateful kid. It’s like “dog whistle” statements–everyone knows what they mean, but there’s “plausible” deniability.
Since this kid got in trouble last year for the same behavior, you have to assume that his parents don’t take it seriously or he would knock it off. As a small child I first heard the n-word from black kids at school. When I innocently repeated it at home my mother was horrified and explained that it was a racist insult. From her reaction, I could tell that it was really bad, and I never used it again. End of story.
Although there are still enough shameless bigots around to create these traumatic racist experiences for children of color, within living memory most white people, even the racists, have mostly decided that it’s not acceptable to express racism in front of people of color. This has resulted in white people beginning to police other white people for blatantly expressing racism in the media, and to a lesser extent, in the workplace and public places. Nowadays it’s a recognized family/work/social issue for white people to figure out how best to confront racism in different settings–it’s in advice columns on a regular basis. So, I’m hopeful for the future.
Tangentially, I think the cultural baggage of the n-word is just too heavy to allow it ever to be reclaimed as positive (except used ironically under very limited circumstances), especially since it is still used in self-hating ways in the black community. I think if I had a black child I would simply define it as a rude/curse word at least until about age 10. I don’t think a younger kid can necessarily tell the difference between reclaiming and insulting uses. Also, unlike the subtleties of social rules in the wider world, if you make a rule against using a certain word at school or on the bus, it has to apply to all the kids.
I’m thinking of how sometimes the n-word is used by black people to insult other black people for being trashy/low-class/ghetto or in some way acting like white stereotypes of blacks. It’s a way to separate themselves from the “bad” black people, without challenging the racist stereotype, like the inverse of “I don’t mean you–you’re not like those other black people”. Then there are times when it’s just a simple insult to another black person. I think these types of use cannot be good for a black child to hear.
First off, I’m going to need non-Blacks to quit giving us their opinion of how, if, when, whether we, meaning Black folks–especially African American Blacks, should or should not use the “n-word.” That is NOT the debate for YOU to be having with us or amongst yourselves. You do not get a say in that. I realize that opinion WITHIN the Black community varies greatly regarding that word as it does to just about any and everything having to deal with us as we are NOT monolithic. I’m not out to stifle that. Just saying that is OUR business not yours so kindly stay the hell out of it.
Yet again, I need less hand-wringing over the 499293899393892039572035th incident of racism in this country and more ACTION of preventing the 499293899393892039572036th one and the one after that and the one after that. And definitely no more fig-leafing behind your concern trolling over whether or not a Black person that you know of ever said that word. Or again, is this more about folks LOOKING good than DOING good?